Aleana's Journey

Hello….

Lets start this post by saying the following. I believe being trans is a journey of discovery. I was asked a question in my email. About if I thought it was real and right that children receive treatment for being transgender. So here is my reply……

Thank you for your question. While I sense that you are asking it is because you are struggling with the answer you have. Then thought it would be best to ask someone. So once again thank you for asking me. Many people think that the Transcommunity wakes up one day and says hey I am Trans.

Well in a way we do I will speak from my life and point of view. I was six years old when it all started. My generation was not as switched on as the children are now days. I was in the bathroom and very upset that my penis was bothering me. I did not tell anyone because I did not really know how to express the feelings. I was also very angry that my sisters got to look so pretty and I was dull. Once again my dads was a mans man. As the years went on this confusion got worse it stayed until I started treatment.

But somewhere along the life’s journey I had children. One was born challenged mentally more than the others. Then I made a huge mistake and lost touch with that child. Life moved on and so did I. I got remarried and had another few children. One was born with Club foot. She could have grown up and lived a okay life. But kids can be as cruel as the real world. So, my ex and I took the advice of doctors and got her help. Which she needed to have. But that was fixed, It took years. Now that child has turned out to also have Dyslexia. So, now I work hard on helping my child understand how to work with Dyslexia.

Do you see where I am going with this. I was born challenged as well. I am not angry about being different but life could have been better if my parents would have listened and cared. But times were different than they are now and so was the medical profession. I watch children now who have the same challenges that I started to see when I was 6. But now these children have the power to talk about what is going on.  The medical profession has also grown on many different areas not just Trans-Health issues. But somewhere they started to see that the quality of life could be lifted if the right help was given. There is a few shining examples of this quality of life. But the one I know most of all is Jazz Jennings. The journey that not only she went through but what her parents went through is very well documented. I am more than sure they had their concerns as well for the future of this little person. But like my daughter, my ex and I took steps to give her a better life. Yeah there were questions, a lot of them. There were also some tears and anger as well. But never at our child more as to why we did not really understand how this could have happened. But we got over it and focused on our child and still do. When this same child fought suicidal thoughts we did not give up. We fought those demons together with her.

You see times change and so does our collective understanding that we are not all alike. So when it comes to healthcare for children who are Transgender we need to take a step back and think what is best for the child’s quality of life. Remember that 41% of people who are Transgender have succeeded or attempted suicide. I am a survivor of many attempts. But if we can save 1 life through medical help is that life worth it? As a survivor, yeah I think it is. As a parent who has a child who fought the demon as well. I can say without a shadow of a doubt every life is worth trying to save. So if a pill stops the pain, confusion and then saves a life. Why not do it? That child does not care about God nor how many people might hate them for being different. What they care about is stopping the chaos.

I hope my answer helps you understand why medical help is needed. I lived with the chaos for 40 years. If you ask one of my closest friends who knew what I was going through. She would tell you that at times it was very bad. Then she would tell you how I have changed and the difference HRT has made in my life. She would also say that my quality of life has also been better on HRT. Is it my solution, yes. Is it everyone’s solution I don’t know but that is for them and a doctor to look at. I wish you all the best…

Ally

Most of the time it is a big block that stops me from writing. Not this time, it is just a lack of desire to let the creative juices to flow onto paper. Its not over not by a long shot. I just need to breathe from the chaos and confusion of my book “The Choice” I have never been so confused on if I am going the write way with a story. I spend time telling my children stories all the time. But this story I just so confused if I have the right path. I think it is very good but I want better than good I want great if not amazing to read.

My last post hinted at something exciting is coming and that it is. I am not going to let that cat of the bag so to speak.  So hang in there it is coming. I Promise….

There is something exciting taking place and soon I will be allowed to tell everyone. Though for right now…..

Something Magical this way comes….

Well, yes….

I just finished a wonderful day of doing something else I never thought I would do. I spent a few hours enjoying talking to Doctors about what it is like being Trans. This was done to help them be more in touch with understanding the issues that surround the Transcommunity. I was so impressed by these young and upcoming doctors. They asked questions that most would be to scared to ask. Oh if I could do it more often I would be so happy.

I am still part of the Human Library of Launceston who this year just hit there 10 year mark. If I could stress something in my little blog is for you to take the time and join the Human Library in your town. If you don’t have one, start one. The only way out of Ignorance is through Education.

I have met a ton of hate this past few months. What is so sad is that most of these people who like to express their hate waste their breath on me. I brush it off like dust on my shoulders. I had a Doctor who did not like that I was Trans and my children are with me. Do something very shocking and reprehensible. My youngest Daughter who has been dealing with demons after being sexually assaulted a number of years ago. She was suicidal and I started to get her assistance. But this doctor even with evidence in the form of a written letter from a Therapist called Child Services. Who then called me accusing me of not taking care of my child. I had to defend myself and show proof I was doing everything I could for my child.

Talk about being treated like I was a bad parent without evidence. The MAN on the phone kept telling me that this was a serious issue and that I needed to take it seriously. It was all I could do from having a come to Jesus meeting with this man. I had to remain calm and present the evidence and contact details of her Therapist. Oh it can be so hard sometimes. I so wanted to grab the man and tell him what it is like when your child tells you they feel like ending it all. Not to mention that my Ex and I are in a shared care agreement. Both of us should be doing all we can for our child. But to this man that shit did not matter it was my fault even though I had already done what needed to be done.
There is so much unseen trauma that surrounds the Sexual Assault of a child. Not only in the child but in the parents. While I might not care for my Ex and her actions these days. I know the pain we both suffered in seeing our child hurt to this extreme. Her battles have taken a toll on us in many ways as we struggle to be there for our child. I see some many of the adults who were once children who suffered at the hands of demented priests (pedophiles). Who have scars so very deep that it has ruined some of their lives. Some have even ended their lives due to the actions. Now these monsters are only slapped on the wrist but that is only my anger showing.
It hurt so much to have this man treated me like shit. All because a doctor did not like me. I really had to look at what took place before the call and who we involved in our lives. This doctor was the only new person who knew very little about our family. I saw her a few days ago while seeing my personal doctor and that doctor could/would not even look me in my face. What makes me so upset is that there is no way to prove it was her. Because child services don’t give out that information to protect the reporter. In someways that is good but as in this case that doctor needed to be retrained.

What many don’t understand is that I tried several times as a child to end it. My parents were all to blind to see something was really wrong. In fact they did not even notice that just a little love and listening without judging could have helped. It took years to address my problems without help from my parents.
My soul ripped apart when I heard my own daughters words. I knew that I had to do what my parents never did. I listened, listened and listened again to everything she needed to say. I got her help where I could not help. I have picked up my child held her comforted her while tears of pain rolled down both our faces. I have watched her sleep, hid knives, power cords were shortened, cleaning products were hidden, medicines were hidden and even slept with my eyes wide open. I would do it all over again if need be. What has this event done for my daughter and I, it brought us closer together. I told her about my past and the feelings that we shared. I told her together we can overcome the pain. We talk ever night about how things are going for her. I listen and listen again. I let her tell me about the monsters in her life. Then I tell her the tips to beating the monsters.
Where are we at now, there is always a bright light at the end of every tunnel. We just need to make sure it is not the train. But for my Daughter it is the sun light of being loved and cared for.

I have also dealt with the anger from my Ex for things that make no sense. I really felt sorry for my attorney/friend. He had the full anger of my frustrations dealing with her.

I don’t know why she wastes so much energy of hating me. She knew what happened to my mother and how she poisoned her body with so much hate. I would hate to see her end up like my mother years down the road never really knowing what happiness is. I have learned to document everything. All the rants and nutty things that go on. I make sure I even keep my receipts from shopping. Just in case she tries to say I am not feeding them. She is always trying to find problems where there are none. She even goes so far as telling my daughter tell your counselor about that (that being almost anything that she wants to make into a mountain). That’s great make our daughter look like she has got more problems than what she does. She keeps trying to convince the children to live only with her. Well anyone with two eyes cans see that is never going to work as long and she keeps acting like this. At about 10 kids start seeing the truth in adults. They tell me everything even when I don’t want to know. Like how her boy has said he uses their mum’s boobs as pillows. What a piece of (BEEP) telling a kid that, it is kinda creepy…

Then finding a new school for my son who is going into High school. Wow what a event this has been. Working my ass off doing that. I am so proud of him. He has been working so hard on getting his grades up. He has also played a big part in choosing the school that was best for him. I trusted him as we went through the process of the choice. He interviewed all the schools writing down the Pro’s and Cons to each only asked questions that would help him choose. In the end I think he made the right choice for his future. Gosh it feels like he was just a baby a few years ago. Now I have a young man in my home.

It seems like that every job I go for and that I am more than qualified for. When they meet me, I must have a huge “personality” that scares them into not wanting me on their team. I am sure you can read in between the lines on that one. Because it is against the law to discriminate based on Gender and Sexuality.

But they would never do that, would they….

 

So yeah, my writing has taken a bit of a back seat. I would say I am sorry but I am not sorry. So much going on that has put a big cork in the creative side of my writing. Trust me the ideas are flowing but not onto paper.

Hello my readers…….

I know I said I would be posting more but life sometimes throws a monkey wrench here and there. Sometimes the bounce back can take time. Well I am back at it again.

I am still sitting at 70,000(ish) words in the the book called The Choice. But after a bit of Grounding (if you are not sure what that is, take the time and read about it) I have started to rewrite a few chapters. I have also added in something I am going to ask the reader to do while reading the book. It took me forever to write a Foreword. I have the story always in my head and I want it be special. So we will see if I can make it happen.

More updates as I can do it, you know life is fun sometimes. Remember be kind to one another, there is to much hate these days.

This week has been a roller coaster of learning. I have been working very hard on the edit of my current book. I know I had a goal to have it out by xx time and that fell through. Such the plans of mice and men / women. It is a lot of effort for me to read what I have written as my ability to read in itself is difficult. Then that compounds with the ability to comprehend the written word. As a Dyslexic my skills in learning the standard way can be difficult at times. So here I have me working on editing my own work while trying to tell a story at the same time then you toss that into the blender of my comprehension. Wow, it is so very draining.

Then while working the current edit of my book. I was alerted to a question by someone who was close to me. They felt comfortable enough to allow me not only address their question but to write about it. I am not going to give a “Trigger Warning”. Here is the reason why. I think we need to have these conversations to allow growth as a species.

The question was “Am I wrong in thinking that there are only two sexes (male and female)”. We sat down and started to enjoy a cuppa. To talk over this question, here is how I addressed it.

“No you are not right or wrong. What you have been lead to believe is that the binary of male and female is correct. This does not mean you are right or wrong. You can only follow the education that you have been given in certain subjects. Now when we look at the facts of biology we can see a huge spectrum of sexual identifying characteristics. The Helix of your genetic make up says that you are XY or XX. But then we have to toss in the issue of Genetic fuck up’s which for the most part we as a society don’t like to acknowledge. Those being people who are Intersexed (BTW you are not a fuck up) they sit in the middle of the two sexes. Now I am sorry but I don’t want to bore you with tons of medical junk so I am kind of paraphrasing a bit. That gives us three sexes once you see that logic suggests that it can swing both ways from the middle point. Much like a see saw. But we need to keep in mind that there are so few of those in the middle and for the most part we have XX & XY.”

My friend sat back and started to look at the small information I gave her. I have always been an easy person to talk to about things. We just sat there for a while and enjoyed some small talk. Thought it was easy to see that I have sparked a thought or two in her head. After our lunch she spoke up again and asked the following “Well if the above is true how does it apply to you. I am a bit confused about you being Transgender.”

I had a feeling this was where it was going, you know those “Feelings”…. So I answered he question with the following.

“Thank you, for feeling comfortable enough to ask me. Well it is very simple I was born on the male biological spectrum of XY. There is nothing I can change about that. But all my life, my thoughts did not feel comfortable in that role. I can do it, but all I am is an actor. Even though the science says I am an XY person. Now that is all physical it has nothing to do with what lies between our ears. Even though right now science is finding out through MRI’s and CAT scans that those who identify as being Transgender have a different brain structure. Meaning that I was born XY, my brain is showing signs that do not match the overwhelming majority of XY persons.”

We sat back and enjoyed another cuppa. I could see another question forming and she began to wiggle in her seat feeling a bit uncomfortable to ask. So I told her “Go for it, ask me”. She took a hard swallow and asked “Since you know you were born XY, why did you not just continue to ignore the feelings of XX”

This is a question I have gone through my head so many times. I even told myself while playing the role of XY that I could keep doing it. So I looked at her and answered her question “You see it all the time actors and actresses who become known for that role of the Bad guy or the Hero. If you were to ask them why keep doing it some might say it is a paycheck. But deep down inside they want to play a different role. It is killing them to keep doing the same thing over and over. Trying to force myself to continue to adhere to the lifestyle of XY and have this nagging feeling that something is not right causes a huge amount of pain. I wanted to be free to just be myself and see where life takes me. I struggled so much doing the “fake it until you make it”. I tried it all the pray away, the therapist who says do this or do that, the self hate, and even the macho man life style. But it never worked, I could not stand what I saw and felt like.”

Next thing I knew my friend looked me strait in the eye and said “What did it feel like? having these feelings”

So, I am a bit cheeky at times and can be a bit forward on some subjects. Yeah I know a bit of a shocker , eh? “Well you know those full body lace jump suit things you buy to get your partner “going” (yes I used my fingers in the air). Well think of having to wear that and feel okay with wearing that. Now I want you to grab some men’s work pants, a heavy work shirt, pair of steel toed boots and last but not least a pair of gloves. Now in your mind you need to think you are a Chef but you have to wear those same clothes everyday.”

With a loving look she replied to me “I am not sure I understand”.

So I took a very deep breath and tried to explain what I was talking about. “You see you have your birthday suit, you can’t change that. It is always your skin you know how it feels. But then you have that lace next to it and it makes you feel sexy and different. Now you have on the work clothes but they don’t fit right by any shape or form. In your mind after a few minutes you start to resent them. Now you are a chef and you have to cook while wearing these things and it doesn’t make it easy. Now let look at what I said. You know how you feel while naked and with the lace on and it makes you feel beautiful. But with the work clothes on you are trying to be something that you are not and it is covering the beauty that you enjoy. Even worse is the feeling while working nothing is going right try chopping an onion with gloves on. This is only some of the way people like me feel when we fight against ourselves. Then it makes you sick that you can’t feel comfortable in the work clothes in the first place. Then there is the hidden shame of the feeling of wanting the beauty that is not supposed to be yours. This can easily be flipped for those who are F2M Transgender. The sad part is that it never stops, it is always there.”

Now this friend I love her to bits, she is really wonderful. Asked me “What about your relationship with God?” now I know just how many of you out there thought “oh no, not that question” well my friend is Catholic and she is a strong follower. But not narrow minded to the point that she is unwilling to be friends with me.

So I replied….

“I don’t think about it anymore. Look I have been told so many times that I needed to pray it away. In fact it was pounded into my head right up to 4 years ago. I did a lot of praying, every time they asked if I could help at church I would do it. But it never seemed to stop the feelings or the self hate. Self hate is really destructive it leads to depression and suicidal thoughts. At some point you have to say enough is enough. If it is broken you fix it. But to keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result is just stupid. So I had to look at my connection with God. Who was God to me and which God was correct. Once I made the choice to fully transition I started to see the ugly side of believers. I was not searching for it but I could see it. It started slow but then as I looked more and more it was everywhere. Was this really the God I wanted to be with? If I was judged by the people that I kept some of them would put me into a lot of trouble. So much hate and unwillingness to understand something different. I would see signs and hear people say “Oh my, that person (me) is a homosexual”. “Sodomy is against the lord and is a sin.” I looked at my friend and let out a huge sigh. “Look it is not that simple Sodomy requires the bum hole. I am getting a vag and like others who have them they get used. They are not Sodomized. But you see it is for this very reason that I cannot be linked to people filled with so much hate. I know the books I have read them looking for a solution. So in the end I came to a point where I could feel okay with my beliefs and God. I give everyone the same right to believe just don’t try to force me to think the same way. ”

We sat there as friends and finished our cups a few tears were shed and she started to ask more questions and began to understand what my life was like beyond what I wrote in my book (which she read). Like a true friend she looked at me with one final question and asked “Are you okay, do you feel complete and at peace”.

I looked and gave her a hug. I said “For once in my life, I am…”

We talked about a few more things kids and life. After about an hour and to much food. We parted with hugs and promises to do it again soon. But there is something more to this story…

While we were having our lunch a table near us was listening and spent just as much time doing so as we did. I saw my friend off and one of the women walked up to me. She gently placed her hand on my shoulder to get my attention. “Thank you, I am so sorry but we listened in on your conversation and you were able to answer so many questions we had. We hear about people like you and no one is ever able to place a human side to it. In fact my sister and I did not even know.” I looked at this wonderful person and said “I wish I never knew as well” she replied to me “Is it okay if I give you a hug”. After the hug I was properly introduced to both her and her sister. We talked a bit and I gave me business card for the book (you have to promote). I may never seen them again, but in that hug there was understanding”
That is what I am trying to do. You don’t have to like me or why I am the way I am. But at least become educated on why I am the way I am. After all I still have the same colour of blood as you.

BTW: My friend called and we have out next lunch setup.

“If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so.” – Thomas Jefferson

This is one of the founders of the US. Read it understand it before continuing…..

Now I want to address those who are of the LGBT+ communities and in the US. In 2016 warning flags began to show with the so-called president Trump. Warnings were sounded time and time again. We should have known what was coming with his choice of Mike Pence as his VP. In the first days of his role as president down came the white house page about LGBT+. The erosion continued from there, the attacks on Transgender & LGBT+ rights, combined with the Attacks on Women have sent up new warning flags. In these last two weeks we have seen another attack on the basic human rights for those who are Transgender and in prison or Jail.

So now what you are asking what am I going to tell you. Well I am not asking you to start a war. I am asking to try something different. In the past the US gave protection to people and communities who were in danger through visa’s. There are some countries who offer safe and caring communities. If you are talented and a good person this idea will make it easier to happen. What I am asking you to do is do your research and apply for a protection visa. Yes this is a BIG ask not only for you but for the world. This is creating a huge light on the unjust laws and actions of the US towards its own. I am not asking you to give up on America, you will always be an American, it is in your blood. You might even get denied this request but the more we do it the more people start to question what is going on and it is a voice in the dark. If enough people do it, it will be the first time in American history that people are fleeing its borders.
Yes, this is a dark move. But now is the time and day you need to ask yourself are you safe. Right now this questions answer is a resounding NO! So it is you duty to resist to disobey as one of the founding fathers once said. Doing something that is against the law will place you in more danger, PLEASE don’t do anything that will risk you going to jail.

You might be saying Ally you’re not in the US. It is okay to say what you are saying in a safe country. You are 100% right, I am in a safe place. I walk down the street safe. I have a community that are not LGBT+ who care for me as a human being. I also have a community that are LGBT+ who are strong and care for others. There is nothing greater than being in a safe place where can live and thrive. Can you say that about the US? If you think it will get better let me put a light on that thinking. This is the second year of overwhelming attacks on the LGBT+ communities that combined with the attacks on Women’s Rights. What do you think the next 31(ish) months are going to produce? I promise you the writing is on the wall.

Now lets take a look at the worse case scenario. Right now Trump is under investigation it has been going on for a very long time. Lets say it comes back and he is in very big trouble. He is Teflon and it will not stick even if he is forced to leave the White House. So what then well you have someone worse than Bump-a-Trump. You have Pent-up-Pence a man who is openly anti LGBT and wants women’s rights reduced to what they were in the 50’s if not back to the 1800’s. Sure right now you are reading this and thinking that I might be a little off my nutter. But here is the facts Pence here recently spoke at a University that to this day is openly anti-LGBT. He has supported bills in his home state that attack the LGBT+ communities and he supports Conversion Therapy. A Therapy that has been deemed Pseudoscience by leading organizations throughout the world. Including the AMA ! you know the guys who are backed by medical professionals and scientists. Who do you think will be worse a mad man or a man with a belief structure that religion is not separate from government.
Really quickly think about what my last line was there. Religion that is not Separate from Government. In the US they strike fear into everyone that Islam is a bad thing because it is part of Governments. Is that not the same thing but a different way of believing in the same god while trying to lead a government.

So what if you can’t get out….? Well vote, vote and vote. Look last election you had the opportunity to vote in a person who would have won, but you chose to run with Hillary. Let’s be honest with ourselves she stood no chance. People did not like her and then she stacked the primary for herself to win. People saw this and it changed votes away from her. They may have even thought that they had no where to go, so they did not even vote. 2020 is coming up quick but not fast enough. If you can get out do it! If you can’t then be vocal!

I stopped watching US news this year because it was getting so bad that it scared me. I started listening to other news sources and reading what some of my friends in the US have been saying. I am not trying to fear monger, what I am trying to do is save lives before it gets worse. Hate me for what I am saying, I am okay with that. Tell me I don’t know what I am talking about and that I am just a “Libtard”. That is okay too, but remember this History is a cruel mistress. If you don’t learn from it you are doomed to repeat it. It always starts slow and then in the end you are left wondering how it happened. I never thought I would see the Nazi flag flying proud in the streets of America. My Grandfather and others fought hard to avoid that. But yet here is a president who does not shun it, in fact he supported it. I never thought I would see christian channels in the US tout him and saying he is sent by GOD, but yet they do. I never thought I would see the LDS church support a monster like Trump. But they did and still do. I never thought that the the US would escalate a war between two groups and the world would do nothing about it. Yet look at what his choice to move the US embassy has done. I even had a friend who is a believer in Christ says this is modern-day revelation being fulfilled. Yet all I can see is a monster who does not care for the value of human life and no longer cares.

Well I think I have made my point. I am worried for each and everyone of you. We have seen these monsters before in the past Hitler, Stalin, Nero, Mao and the list goes on and on. They were not sent by God then and this one is not sent by god now. So please be smart and get out if you can. If not speak out and vote. But most of all keep you heads low and out of the gun sights. Do not commit crimes you will not be protected. Avoid places that you have a “feeling” are not safe. I don’;t know what else to say other than I have listened to Pastor Martin Niemöller who wrote the famous lines of,

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

I am a Socialist, I am a Unionist, I am LGBT+, I am a Human, and I have spoken out.