Aleana's Journey

This week has been a roller coaster of learning. I have been working very hard on the edit of my current book. I know I had a goal to have it out by xx time and that fell through. Such the plans of mice and men / women. It is a lot of effort for me to read what I have written as my ability to read in itself is difficult. Then that compounds with the ability to comprehend the written word. As a Dyslexic my skills in learning the standard way can be difficult at times. So here I have me working on editing my own work while trying to tell a story at the same time then you toss that into the blender of my comprehension. Wow, it is so very draining.

Then while working the current edit of my book. I was alerted to a question by someone who was close to me. They felt comfortable enough to allow me not only address their question but to write about it. I am not going to give a “Trigger Warning”. Here is the reason why. I think we need to have these conversations to allow growth as a species.

The question was “Am I wrong in thinking that there are only two sexes (male and female)”. We sat down and started to enjoy a cuppa. To talk over this question, here is how I addressed it.

“No you are not right or wrong. What you have been lead to believe is that the binary of male and female is correct. This does not mean you are right or wrong. You can only follow the education that you have been given in certain subjects. Now when we look at the facts of biology we can see a huge spectrum of sexual identifying characteristics. The Helix of your genetic make up says that you are XY or XX. But then we have to toss in the issue of Genetic fuck up’s which for the most part we as a society don’t like to acknowledge. Those being people who are Intersexed (BTW you are not a fuck up) they sit in the middle of the two sexes. Now I am sorry but I don’t want to bore you with tons of medical junk so I am kind of paraphrasing a bit. That gives us three sexes once you see that logic suggests that it can swing both ways from the middle point. Much like a see saw. But we need to keep in mind that there are so few of those in the middle and for the most part we have XX & XY.”

My friend sat back and started to look at the small information I gave her. I have always been an easy person to talk to about things. We just sat there for a while and enjoyed some small talk. Thought it was easy to see that I have sparked a thought or two in her head. After our lunch she spoke up again and asked the following “Well if the above is true how does it apply to you. I am a bit confused about you being Transgender.”

I had a feeling this was where it was going, you know those “Feelings”…. So I answered he question with the following.

“Thank you, for feeling comfortable enough to ask me. Well it is very simple I was born on the male biological spectrum of XY. There is nothing I can change about that. But all my life, my thoughts did not feel comfortable in that role. I can do it, but all I am is an actor. Even though the science says I am an XY person. Now that is all physical it has nothing to do with what lies between our ears. Even though right now science is finding out through MRI’s and CAT scans that those who identify as being Transgender have a different brain structure. Meaning that I was born XY, my brain is showing signs that do not match the overwhelming majority of XY persons.”

We sat back and enjoyed another cuppa. I could see another question forming and she began to wiggle in her seat feeling a bit uncomfortable to ask. So I told her “Go for it, ask me”. She took a hard swallow and asked “Since you know you were born XY, why did you not just continue to ignore the feelings of XX”

This is a question I have gone through my head so many times. I even told myself while playing the role of XY that I could keep doing it. So I looked at her and answered her question “You see it all the time actors and actresses who become known for that role of the Bad guy or the Hero. If you were to ask them why keep doing it some might say it is a paycheck. But deep down inside they want to play a different role. It is killing them to keep doing the same thing over and over. Trying to force myself to continue to adhere to the lifestyle of XY and have this nagging feeling that something is not right causes a huge amount of pain. I wanted to be free to just be myself and see where life takes me. I struggled so much doing the “fake it until you make it”. I tried it all the pray away, the therapist who says do this or do that, the self hate, and even the macho man life style. But it never worked, I could not stand what I saw and felt like.”

Next thing I knew my friend looked me strait in the eye and said “What did it feel like? having these feelings”

So, I am a bit cheeky at times and can be a bit forward on some subjects. Yeah I know a bit of a shocker , eh? “Well you know those full body lace jump suit things you buy to get your partner “going” (yes I used my fingers in the air). Well think of having to wear that and feel okay with wearing that. Now I want you to grab some men’s work pants, a heavy work shirt, pair of steel toed boots and last but not least a pair of gloves. Now in your mind you need to think you are a Chef but you have to wear those same clothes everyday.”

With a loving look she replied to me “I am not sure I understand”.

So I took a very deep breath and tried to explain what I was talking about. “You see you have your birthday suit, you can’t change that. It is always your skin you know how it feels. But then you have that lace next to it and it makes you feel sexy and different. Now you have on the work clothes but they don’t fit right by any shape or form. In your mind after a few minutes you start to resent them. Now you are a chef and you have to cook while wearing these things and it doesn’t make it easy. Now let look at what I said. You know how you feel while naked and with the lace on and it makes you feel beautiful. But with the work clothes on you are trying to be something that you are not and it is covering the beauty that you enjoy. Even worse is the feeling while working nothing is going right try chopping an onion with gloves on. This is only some of the way people like me feel when we fight against ourselves. Then it makes you sick that you can’t feel comfortable in the work clothes in the first place. Then there is the hidden shame of the feeling of wanting the beauty that is not supposed to be yours. This can easily be flipped for those who are F2M Transgender. The sad part is that it never stops, it is always there.”

Now this friend I love her to bits, she is really wonderful. Asked me “What about your relationship with God?” now I know just how many of you out there thought “oh no, not that question” well my friend is Catholic and she is a strong follower. But not narrow minded to the point that she is unwilling to be friends with me.

So I replied….

“I don’t think about it anymore. Look I have been told so many times that I needed to pray it away. In fact it was pounded into my head right up to 4 years ago. I did a lot of praying, every time they asked if I could help at church I would do it. But it never seemed to stop the feelings or the self hate. Self hate is really destructive it leads to depression and suicidal thoughts. At some point you have to say enough is enough. If it is broken you fix it. But to keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result is just stupid. So I had to look at my connection with God. Who was God to me and which God was correct. Once I made the choice to fully transition I started to see the ugly side of believers. I was not searching for it but I could see it. It started slow but then as I looked more and more it was everywhere. Was this really the God I wanted to be with? If I was judged by the people that I kept some of them would put me into a lot of trouble. So much hate and unwillingness to understand something different. I would see signs and hear people say “Oh my, that person (me) is a homosexual”. “Sodomy is against the lord and is a sin.” I looked at my friend and let out a huge sigh. “Look it is not that simple Sodomy requires the bum hole. I am getting a vag and like others who have them they get used. They are not Sodomized. But you see it is for this very reason that I cannot be linked to people filled with so much hate. I know the books I have read them looking for a solution. So in the end I came to a point where I could feel okay with my beliefs and God. I give everyone the same right to believe just don’t try to force me to think the same way. ”

We sat there as friends and finished our cups a few tears were shed and she started to ask more questions and began to understand what my life was like beyond what I wrote in my book (which she read). Like a true friend she looked at me with one final question and asked “Are you okay, do you feel complete and at peace”.

I looked and gave her a hug. I said “For once in my life, I am…”

We talked about a few more things kids and life. After about an hour and to much food. We parted with hugs and promises to do it again soon. But there is something more to this story…

While we were having our lunch a table near us was listening and spent just as much time doing so as we did. I saw my friend off and one of the women walked up to me. She gently placed her hand on my shoulder to get my attention. “Thank you, I am so sorry but we listened in on your conversation and you were able to answer so many questions we had. We hear about people like you and no one is ever able to place a human side to it. In fact my sister and I did not even know.” I looked at this wonderful person and said “I wish I never knew as well” she replied to me “Is it okay if I give you a hug”. After the hug I was properly introduced to both her and her sister. We talked a bit and I gave me business card for the book (you have to promote). I may never seen them again, but in that hug there was understanding”
That is what I am trying to do. You don’t have to like me or why I am the way I am. But at least become educated on why I am the way I am. After all I still have the same colour of blood as you.

BTW: My friend called and we have out next lunch setup.

“If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so.” – Thomas Jefferson

This is one of the founders of the US. Read it understand it before continuing…..

Now I want to address those who are of the LGBT+ communities and in the US. In 2016 warning flags began to show with the so-called president Trump. Warnings were sounded time and time again. We should have known what was coming with his choice of Mike Pence as his VP. In the first days of his role as president down came the white house page about LGBT+. The erosion continued from there, the attacks on Transgender & LGBT+ rights, combined with the Attacks on Women have sent up new warning flags. In these last two weeks we have seen another attack on the basic human rights for those who are Transgender and in prison or Jail.

So now what you are asking what am I going to tell you. Well I am not asking you to start a war. I am asking to try something different. In the past the US gave protection to people and communities who were in danger through visa’s. There are some countries who offer safe and caring communities. If you are talented and a good person this idea will make it easier to happen. What I am asking you to do is do your research and apply for a protection visa. Yes this is a BIG ask not only for you but for the world. This is creating a huge light on the unjust laws and actions of the US towards its own. I am not asking you to give up on America, you will always be an American, it is in your blood. You might even get denied this request but the more we do it the more people start to question what is going on and it is a voice in the dark. If enough people do it, it will be the first time in American history that people are fleeing its borders.
Yes, this is a dark move. But now is the time and day you need to ask yourself are you safe. Right now this questions answer is a resounding NO! So it is you duty to resist to disobey as one of the founding fathers once said. Doing something that is against the law will place you in more danger, PLEASE don’t do anything that will risk you going to jail.

You might be saying Ally you’re not in the US. It is okay to say what you are saying in a safe country. You are 100% right, I am in a safe place. I walk down the street safe. I have a community that are not LGBT+ who care for me as a human being. I also have a community that are LGBT+ who are strong and care for others. There is nothing greater than being in a safe place where can live and thrive. Can you say that about the US? If you think it will get better let me put a light on that thinking. This is the second year of overwhelming attacks on the LGBT+ communities that combined with the attacks on Women’s Rights. What do you think the next 31(ish) months are going to produce? I promise you the writing is on the wall.

Now lets take a look at the worse case scenario. Right now Trump is under investigation it has been going on for a very long time. Lets say it comes back and he is in very big trouble. He is Teflon and it will not stick even if he is forced to leave the White House. So what then well you have someone worse than Bump-a-Trump. You have Pent-up-Pence a man who is openly anti LGBT and wants women’s rights reduced to what they were in the 50’s if not back to the 1800’s. Sure right now you are reading this and thinking that I might be a little off my nutter. But here is the facts Pence here recently spoke at a University that to this day is openly anti-LGBT. He has supported bills in his home state that attack the LGBT+ communities and he supports Conversion Therapy. A Therapy that has been deemed Pseudoscience by leading organizations throughout the world. Including the AMA ! you know the guys who are backed by medical professionals and scientists. Who do you think will be worse a mad man or a man with a belief structure that religion is not separate from government.
Really quickly think about what my last line was there. Religion that is not Separate from Government. In the US they strike fear into everyone that Islam is a bad thing because it is part of Governments. Is that not the same thing but a different way of believing in the same god while trying to lead a government.

So what if you can’t get out….? Well vote, vote and vote. Look last election you had the opportunity to vote in a person who would have won, but you chose to run with Hillary. Let’s be honest with ourselves she stood no chance. People did not like her and then she stacked the primary for herself to win. People saw this and it changed votes away from her. They may have even thought that they had no where to go, so they did not even vote. 2020 is coming up quick but not fast enough. If you can get out do it! If you can’t then be vocal!

I stopped watching US news this year because it was getting so bad that it scared me. I started listening to other news sources and reading what some of my friends in the US have been saying. I am not trying to fear monger, what I am trying to do is save lives before it gets worse. Hate me for what I am saying, I am okay with that. Tell me I don’t know what I am talking about and that I am just a “Libtard”. That is okay too, but remember this History is a cruel mistress. If you don’t learn from it you are doomed to repeat it. It always starts slow and then in the end you are left wondering how it happened. I never thought I would see the Nazi flag flying proud in the streets of America. My Grandfather and others fought hard to avoid that. But yet here is a president who does not shun it, in fact he supported it. I never thought I would see christian channels in the US tout him and saying he is sent by GOD, but yet they do. I never thought I would see the LDS church support a monster like Trump. But they did and still do. I never thought that the the US would escalate a war between two groups and the world would do nothing about it. Yet look at what his choice to move the US embassy has done. I even had a friend who is a believer in Christ says this is modern-day revelation being fulfilled. Yet all I can see is a monster who does not care for the value of human life and no longer cares.

Well I think I have made my point. I am worried for each and everyone of you. We have seen these monsters before in the past Hitler, Stalin, Nero, Mao and the list goes on and on. They were not sent by God then and this one is not sent by god now. So please be smart and get out if you can. If not speak out and vote. But most of all keep you heads low and out of the gun sights. Do not commit crimes you will not be protected. Avoid places that you have a “feeling” are not safe. I don’;t know what else to say other than I have listened to Pastor Martin Niemöller who wrote the famous lines of,

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

I am a Socialist, I am a Unionist, I am LGBT+, I am a Human, and I have spoken out.

Writing has become a passion for me, something I never thought I would ever be doing. So many stories to write but at the same time some start off with an amazing gust of wind but die as times marches onward.  That is more than okay, I have learned to let go when it is not working.
I was writing my dads story about his life. I ran into a huge problem. The dichotomy of how I was raised and what my family has become is as different as night and day. I have spent so much time and exhausting myself to the brink of collapse writing his story. I was so excited to know all about my father that I did not take the time and look at the cost of finding out the truth. Sometimes we need to learn not to ask the tough questions. Because the answers might be what we were hoping for. my last post was about the truth of those answers and the impact they have.
Knowing what I know about what I have written I did not want the following to just sit on a shelf. As I know that her story and the truth need to be set free. I don’t promise this part of my fathers story is happy. Nor can I say one that is filled with peace. But from the emotions that it stirred and the impact it had as I wrote it lead me to feel it is what she would have said had she been given the chance.
So without further explanation This is my Grandmothers story. Thank you to my Aunts for all the stories. This is also for my father if he reads my blog. This is the best and fairest truth about her. RIP Grandma

I am Comalee Taylor I was born in 1913 to Papa Taylor and my mother in Oklahoma. I guess I am very fortunate woman who at times has had some bad luck, mainly with men. But that has never affected the reality that I have always worked hard. If I had to describe myself I would say I am a lovely Brown haired woman standing about 5’6 to 5’7 and slender built. People have said I am as kind hearted as I am Beautiful. I really don’t see that in myself when I look in the mirror, I am just me. You see I am partly Native American from my mother’s side. My father was an Oklahoman and not a very nice man. I suffered a lot at his hands for reasons I don’t know. After a particularly bad spell with my father. I am really not sure why or how it happened. When I was youngish I was given or shall I say rescued by Grover Robins a man who lived in my home town of Central Home, Oklahoma. All because my father just wanted to get rid of me for whatever reason.
Years went on and I grew up around the Robins family. I felt so loved and cared for by Dad and Mom Robins. Later, I did not mean it to happen nor did Fred, Grover’s son but we fell in love shortly after the loss of his First wife. We were married in 1931, oh the changes that were about to come into my life in such a short period of time I could not have foreseen. Though I always had to deal with a picture of his wife that he lost in childbirth on the mantlepiece. Though it was also said that I am one hell of a good cook. I used to make these pies and set them on the windowsill to cool. The other reason was to make sure Fred knew I was a good cook and where home was. Though there was this one time that some of my pies were stolen. So I called Grover who was the Sherriff in our town to report it. Low and behold it was Fred’s younger sisters who caught shall we say “Sticky” handed with the empty pie tin….Those were the days.

In the 1930’s things were very different for women, even more so for woman like me. We were expected to have children and raise them by ourselves. A lot of the time our husbands were not very helpful or at least Fred wasn’t. In 1932 before our first year anniversary our first child was born. This was one of the happiest times in my life. There she was my little girl Barbara. I did not know that I was going to become a baby making machine. You see Barbara was the first of five children. In 1934 along came Robert our first son. Oh I was so happy at that time in my life. It seemed like I had everything, wonderful children and a loving husband. Then in 1937 along came little Billy. Something was very different about this child. He was a bit sickly at times, there were even a few times I was scared for him. Before I knew it in 1938 Christine was born now I have 2 Boys and 2 Girls. At first I did not really understand that with every child the belt gets tighter and there is even less to spend. I don’t really think my husband understood that as well.

Little did I know it but the world was about to erupt in fire. World War 2 started and it changed so many lives. I think it was also the starting point to the end of Fred loving for me. Fred started working at Kelly Air Force Base building B17’s for the war effort. That was so far away from the children and I, over one day bus ride. I will not mix words things were not great at home. Fred’s dad and mom helped out a lot at this time. In 1942 at the height of World War 2, Fred on a visit home I fell pregnant with “My” last child. I did not know that the dream of loving this man was also about to come crashing down around my feet. I did not know that at the same time Fred was courting another woman in San Antonio, Texas.  Six months later when he came home for another visit and fate played a cruel joke on me. Fred informed me that he had fallen in love with another woman and that he wanted a divorce. I was six months pregnant with his child, I was so angry. I told him that under no circumstances was this child going to be born out of wedlock. That I would not grant him a divorce until then. I was hoping that it would snap him back into reality. But after his news he left to go back to San Antonio to be with this woman. There I was left with 4 children with one on the way, a broken heart and home. I think it would have lost it if it would not have been for Fred’s mom and dad. They certainly were my rock of salvation.

Three months later in 1943 my little girl Shirley was born. She was so beautiful in a very dark time in my life. I did not know that in 3 more months my world would change forever. Fred came home and dealt me another heartbreak. But I was not going down without a fight. I loved Fred so very much how could he do this to our family. I was going to have everything perfect the day he came home. I got up early made sure the house was perfectly clean, all the children were bathed and in clean clothes, I even took a bath in the morning making sure I was fresh. I put on my best dress a touch of Makeup and a dab of the perfume he bought me years before. I was ready, the house was ready, and I even went so far as to put a homemade pie in the oven. He was so very selfish. But when Fred returned home he walked inside ignoring me and everything I did. Basically tossed me out of the house with the Christine and Shirley at only 3 months of age. I turned to the only person’s I ever knew I could trust, Fred’s mom and dad. Grover once again rescued me, he was so very Angry with his son but even he could not change his sons mind. So as a result Grover being the towns Sheriff at one time used his skills in persuasion to tell Fred how it was going to be. That every month I was to be paid $100 dollars to help take care of the children. **Writers note $100 equals $1,690.97 in 2015**

Grover Robins being a fine and upstanding man surprised me that day treating me like his daughter. Drove me and the two girls away as I watched 3 of my children staring at us as we drove off. My heart was completely torn asunder. Grover then drove me a fair distance away as I requested. I could not stand to be near children I would not be allowed to see. I don’t think my heart ever healed from what Fred did. Grover was such a perfect Gentleman the next thing he did was to build the girls and I a home that he paid for. There were many conversations on that drive. Grover told me that he would make sure the other three children would come and visit. Though I am not sure if he really knew what Fred was going to do in the future. I even think that this choice of Fred’s damaged him in his parent’s eyes. I was never really alone, mom and dad robins always kept an eye on me and the children.

In 1944 Grover kept his word to me, I was able to see my three oldest children for a short time. Though little did I know that Fred was about to give me back my oldest Daughter as well. It seems she did not fit in well with her step mother. So Fred in another shocking choice sent his own flesh and blood away. But for me I was very grateful to have Barbara back in my arms safe and sound. I think the only reason he kept Barbara was that he needed her to take care of the boys. It might have been a lot to ask a new mom to take over a family. But I was not that shocked that he gave up on Barbara as well. I was hoping this would also happen with the boys. In the end the Boys had to go back to Fred. Once again another heartbreak thanks to Fred. But all this time I could not stop loving him. In 1945 once again the boys came for a visit, the highs and lows of seeing them come and go. Once again Fred was going to step on my heart all over again. Because that was the last time I would see my boys until they were almost men.

I don’t know what lessons were being taught to my boys by Fred. But somewhere something went horribly wrong. My oldest son Robert ended up getting himself into a real big bit of trouble with the law at an early age. It happened so many times that he landed himself in prison. Poor Grover I don’t think even he could have foreseen this happening. If he would have only sent my son to me, I wonder if I could have prevented the problems. Even in the end Fred gave up on him as well. Robert came to live with me until he found that my rules were a bit too hard for him and he left. His departure was not on good terms. But I never stopped loving him. I did not get to see Robert for many years. But by then it was too late, opps I am jumping ahead in my story. Mom and Dad Robins kept me well informed about what was going on with the boys once Fred stop sending them. But having that much distance between a parent and a child comes at a huge cost. I really did not know my sons and that once again was another broken heart. But I was still in love with this man, maybe it was the dream I was in love with, I really don’t know. In the end the damage was done to a point that it could not be fully repaired.

The 50’s and s60’s were not very good to me. I worked many jobs to keep my children feed and clothed even though some would get married during this time. But I felt like such a failure at one point my youngest needed to go life with another woman because I could make ends meet. I cried over this choice so much and I am so angry at Fred. If he would have only been faithful none of this would have happened. Looking back now I was very lucky that my little girl was placed with a good woman with a kind heart that understood. I tried several times to find a new person to share my life with. Each one falling short to what I thought was the perfect man, Fred when we were first married. Sadly each one of them could not live up to what I though he should’ve been. The last one took me for all I was worth and left me with nothing.

Oh I am so sorry I forgot a very important part of my story. In 1953 or 54ish I got to see my little boy Billy who was now a man. Again I had nothing to go off on who he was or what his life was like. Oh I was so upset, though I was a good and strong Texas woman I was not going to let it show. We reconnected just a bit but in the end it was not enough the damage was done. So much time was lost in fact a lifetime was lost. Though I will never forget his wonderful laughter and his eyes. Shortly after that he joined the Air Force then married with kids of his own. I only pray that he did a better job than his dad. Oh there I go again forgetting something important. I did get to meet two of his children Jody Lynn and Wendy Sue. I really don’t know why, what or how but he was never really all that close. I heard once that he had a third child but I never got see em’. I am proud of my little boy, I always have been.

1982 I fell ill so much so that it wiped my me out and stole what little time I had left. When in 1983 I was in the hospital because I could no longer care for myself. Low and behold one day in walked my long lost son Robert. Who I had not seen since his was a young man and left my home. Who was this man? What had my child become? I was so ill that I could no longer speak, oh how my heart broke that day but in a good way. Sometimes words do not need to be said to be understood. As I laid there in that bed holding my son in my arms the pain of years and errors made seemed to drift away with the tears that flowed from the two of us. When death came knocking I was surrounded by those who loved me. But I longed for my little boy Billy. I took one last breath and then I was gone into the peace of time forever. Still in love with Fred…….

*Well dad I hope you enjoyed this part of you story. I hope others can enjoy it as well.

 

A few months ago I talked with a few friends about how I was feeling. There were some new issues that had started to express themselves. I also expressed it outwardly in a few posts on my Facebook page. I needed to come to terms with one of the realities of being Transgender. I was starting to feel more and more alone, not lonely but alone. I am a parent and most of the time I am doing it alone. If a fire happens I am the one the kids look to, if they need care and love they ruin to me as well. That is a wonderful feeling but it does not fill certain voids. For a second I even looked at my six and did a check to see if I was jealous of my ex who found a replacement for my pretty much asap. But then that’s not me, I really didn’t care what she was doing with her life. I just wanted her to leave mine alone. I am going to make sure I was not going to jump into another relationship and possibly end up with another person like her. But then that was not the issue as well.
The whole set of issues were starting to drag me down. In fact it was taking me away from what I loved and that is my children and my writing. My emotions were wrapped up in these issues of feeling alone. I was writing my fathers book at the time and I had to shelve it as he had stopped talking to me altogether. I started thinking what did I do this time and there it was “What did I do this time”. I left a relationship of hate and abuse because someone used to have me questioning that same line all the time. I felt so alone, like I could do nothing right to please that person. Things went from bad to worse and the children and I left. But here I was again feeling those same emotions to the very same issues. I had not done anything wrong and I should not have been feeling the way I was. One of my post on FB had me questioning am I disowned? The answer came back to me I think you are. So I questioned why? I then came to the answer that was looking at me right in the face. They don’t talk to me unless I make the call. This was one of the issues in my previous marriages. Unless I did the foot work, I got jack shit and jack left town.

Being the person I am I needed proof and I needed to double check. So that was what I did. I looked at my journal and to my surprise my parents in the last three years have not contacted me. I even checked the important dates, you know Christmas and Birthdays. There it was nothing. But the emotions that followed the next day was empty. So, I went back and I checked my Birthday in 2014. There it was again people forgot or did not care. I checked my emails no one, so I checked my old FB. There was good friends and other FB users but no one close. Not even the EX.
In 2015 when we left I was seen as the bad person, by my family and some close friends (not friends anymore). Mind you none of them took the time to ask what was going on from my point. When we left and started over. It was my close friends who stuck around. There are a total of Ten, that’s it. Ten of the best people in the world. But once again not my Family. When I did call, I even had to send my back account details to prove I was not the bad person. I thought to myself if a friend treated you that way you would have cut them off in a heart beat. But there I was trying to make someone happy that did not care about me. It was like watching a flashback.

I stepped back and watched, watched and watched some more. What I saw was anything but what I would call love. I am a very hands on parent, I take the time and listen to my children and their needs. We have sit down dinners with no music or TV. Why do I do that so I can focus on their needs. I even take the time and contact my oldest daughter from my Ex. I try to keep in touch with her life. I make an effort I don’t require them to. Now looking at what is going on with my family and the issues of feeling like I am disowned. While in the sense that I am a grown adult it does not matter all that much. Plus I live a half a world away(my choice). So why are these feelings causing such stress. Well it is simple we all want to feel connected to someone. But I looked once again in my Journal and found growing up I was alone from the age of 9 onward until I hit 18. Then I started to look for friends. I made some poor choices….(shhhh not going to talk about those, read the book). But once again I am back at that feeling of being alone. I have wonderful friends but it is not the same as wanting that connection.
I got a letter from my dad this week. It was only 3 sentences long but the context of what was written was easy to understand. Even the words between the lines were crystal clear. He called me “someone”. It was not a misspelling it was clear and I got the point even louder.

So where does this leave me? Well….No where different than I was when I was younger. I spend my time in other pursuits like writing and my children. I have resigned myself to the understanding that I came into this world alone, I grew up alone and now once again I am alone. But now I have my children and close friends, so I am not lonely. I can do alone…..I am not someone!

I once said not every pitch goes the way we want. A few months ago I was on a path that was leading me to a deadline that I made to have a book ready for print in the middle of 2018. The batter stepped up the the plate and here came the pitch as wild as it could have been. Then the hit was right out into left field. The fielder was in a dead run he knew he could pull off a miracle catch if he could just keep his feet under him. Then just like that, just like his thought he tripped. Going head over heels, in a moment of quick thinking he tucked and turned it into a roll and quickly got back up in time to extend his arm and make the greatest catch in his life.

This is exactly what has happened in these last few months. My beautiful Daughter was the pitcher. Life was the batter and she threw a wild one. Life being hard in her young life hit that wild ball and gave her Suicidal Thoughts. That ball flew off into left field leaving her feeling lost and hopeless. But like every great outfielder who has saved a game I was running to catch that ball. I tripped and tucked my head and turned it into a roll I extended my arm and Caught that wicked ball before it hit the ground and ended the game. Our teams rallied behind our pitcher. She had just finished a long and hard game with only this one stumble which turned out not to be her fault the ball was warped.

We are now back at practice all the team is there right behind her. Trusting her to continue to trust us as we battle every demon that might come our way together…

I once thought that Sexual Assault was just something that could easily be overcome. That was until it touched our families life. I don’t know any other word for the feelings that surge through my veins except Anger. The Anger that resides to the actions that changed my daughter. The Anger that a young man got away with it. The Anger that I am working with my Daughter without the other parents help. The Anger that resides in the fact that the young man will do it again because no one taught him it was wrong. The Anger that I cannot snap my fingers and make it all better.

She asked my why I was not back to writing. I did not have the heart to tell her that the reason was because I was upset that she was struggling with a Demon that I knew from a long time ago as well. I guess I am lucky in a way that I understand what it is like to be a child with those thoughts. Unlike my parents I am working hard to open the lines of communication with her. We talk every night she is home about the feelings and how we can push those thoughts to just being a thought. We can find reasons and people to talk with who listen and care for us. I am so blessed to be on a team with my Daughter. I am so blessed to be there for her when a wild ball happens. I love the feeling the hugs I get when she knows that I am here to back her up always.

The team and I got her some help with those wild pitches and in time she will master them as well. I am once again back to writing, feeling a bit better about all that is going on. I love that little Pitcher of mine…..

Well bugga!

Last week really was a bad one. Sorry to say but all books have been put on hold so I can sort out some real life issues. One Book Leaves might be getting a whole rewrite. Not happy about that. But such is the case when you come to feel a book about your father is deeply flawed. Every now and then I take time to do what is called checking ones six. What this is, is to look behind you. When I took the time to check my six. I found that the people who should be behind me were gone and they were replaced by great friends. The book called leaves was designed to celebrate my fathers life and show other what can be accomplished with Honor and Courage walk hand in hand.
I grew up thinking that there were two great men in my life that showed some of the best traits a person can have. I am sad to sad by all that has been seen last week, I am mistaken. I placed someone on a pedestal who has fallen and I don’t think he will ever be able to return to it let alone stand. Now I am not saying that there is not a book here. Because there is an amazing story to be told. But a story that is far more tragic than hopeful.
There is a deep sadness in this …….

The next book called The Choice is on hold for a completely different reason. I created a main character named after someone who is dear to my heart. I chose to place a problem that is at the core of this book around the choice that this character needed to make. But over the course of several months I have found that in real life this person has done something that even he does not realize the full impact of his actions. One of the impacts is that I have a personal rule “Never accept someone saying something about you if it is wrong”. I live and teach my children that and a few others like “Say what you mean and mean what you say”.  When you chose to forgo these basic principles you chose to ignore right and wrong as a result. This person who was who character was patterned after. Made a choice and that choice was to walk down a dark path. Causing him to come into conflict with my own personal set of morals. These very same morals help me everyday. They even help me raise three wonderful children as well as one wonderful adult.
I cannot ask readers to look at this character and think wow that is a good person when they are clearly not. I am deeply saddened by this persons choices.

I am still writing but trying to figure out solutions to both of these problems….. Stay tuned

Last night while I was ill I had this idea to see if I could find my first ex-wife. Oh no shocker, I have been married more that 2 times. So while I was looking for her I found her mother’s obituary. We were very young and dumb kids who should never had tried to play house. In the end that is exactly what we did, for a short time. I really did feel for my ex and her loss of her mother. It is really hard to deal with the losses we experience when it is family or close friends.
I started to noticed that when I dug deeper, she really had taken charge of her life and changed. I was so very happy for her in these changes. I even found myself forgiving the issues of the past and forgiving her. It was a wonderful moment in time when you are able to release the past. I looked at myself and thought gee Ally you have come a long way to be able to forgive.
I looked at her photo and felt something different. I thought to myself for a short time. What I came to was, hoping that she was as happy as her photo suggested. I found out that she had remarried and was working in a stable job. I even think she has a couple of children. Like I said I really do hope that her life has improved. I felt at peace…..
So where is this wisdom I suggest. Well simple, while time does not heal all wounds it does allow us to change. To a point where we are at peace with the scars that remain. This also does not mean you need to be friends with those that hurt you. For that in itself is foolish. But forgiveness while hard is an ability to heal ourselves.

I know that I say this while I have not yet been able to forgive my own flesh-n-blood. But I think in time I might be able to. Though at this moment in time, I am not ready as the wounds are so very real and painful. I hope that someday I will be able to look at them and say, I hope the best for them as well. I want to be able to walk the path of peace when I can forgive them. I think in time it to will come as the same with my ex, just a flash in time. A look at a photo and a happy thought might cross my mind. But only time will tell I guess…..