This week has been a roller coaster of learning. I have been working very hard on the edit of my current book. I know I had a goal to have it out by xx time and that fell through. Such the plans of mice and men / women. It is a lot of effort for me to read what I have written as my ability to read in itself is difficult. Then that compounds with the ability to comprehend the written word. As a Dyslexic my skills in learning the standard way can be difficult at times. So here I have me working on editing my own work while trying to tell a story at the same time then you toss that into the blender of my comprehension. Wow, it is so very draining.
Then while working the current edit of my book. I was alerted to a question by someone who was close to me. They felt comfortable enough to allow me not only address their question but to write about it. I am not going to give a “Trigger Warning”. Here is the reason why. I think we need to have these conversations to allow growth as a species.
The question was “Am I wrong in thinking that there are only two sexes (male and female)”. We sat down and started to enjoy a cuppa. To talk over this question, here is how I addressed it.
“No you are not right or wrong. What you have been lead to believe is that the binary of male and female is correct. This does not mean you are right or wrong. You can only follow the education that you have been given in certain subjects. Now when we look at the facts of biology we can see a huge spectrum of sexual identifying characteristics. The Helix of your genetic make up says that you are XY or XX. But then we have to toss in the issue of Genetic fuck up’s which for the most part we as a society don’t like to acknowledge. Those being people who are Intersexed (BTW you are not a fuck up) they sit in the middle of the two sexes. Now I am sorry but I don’t want to bore you with tons of medical junk so I am kind of paraphrasing a bit. That gives us three sexes once you see that logic suggests that it can swing both ways from the middle point. Much like a see saw. But we need to keep in mind that there are so few of those in the middle and for the most part we have XX & XY.”
My friend sat back and started to look at the small information I gave her. I have always been an easy person to talk to about things. We just sat there for a while and enjoyed some small talk. Thought it was easy to see that I have sparked a thought or two in her head. After our lunch she spoke up again and asked the following “Well if the above is true how does it apply to you. I am a bit confused about you being Transgender.”
I had a feeling this was where it was going, you know those “Feelings”…. So I answered he question with the following.
“Thank you, for feeling comfortable enough to ask me. Well it is very simple I was born on the male biological spectrum of XY. There is nothing I can change about that. But all my life, my thoughts did not feel comfortable in that role. I can do it, but all I am is an actor. Even though the science says I am an XY person. Now that is all physical it has nothing to do with what lies between our ears. Even though right now science is finding out through MRI’s and CAT scans that those who identify as being Transgender have a different brain structure. Meaning that I was born XY, my brain is showing signs that do not match the overwhelming majority of XY persons.”
We sat back and enjoyed another cuppa. I could see another question forming and she began to wiggle in her seat feeling a bit uncomfortable to ask. So I told her “Go for it, ask me”. She took a hard swallow and asked “Since you know you were born XY, why did you not just continue to ignore the feelings of XX”
This is a question I have gone through my head so many times. I even told myself while playing the role of XY that I could keep doing it. So I looked at her and answered her question “You see it all the time actors and actresses who become known for that role of the Bad guy or the Hero. If you were to ask them why keep doing it some might say it is a paycheck. But deep down inside they want to play a different role. It is killing them to keep doing the same thing over and over. Trying to force myself to continue to adhere to the lifestyle of XY and have this nagging feeling that something is not right causes a huge amount of pain. I wanted to be free to just be myself and see where life takes me. I struggled so much doing the “fake it until you make it”. I tried it all the pray away, the therapist who says do this or do that, the self hate, and even the macho man life style. But it never worked, I could not stand what I saw and felt like.”
Next thing I knew my friend looked me strait in the eye and said “What did it feel like? having these feelings”
So, I am a bit cheeky at times and can be a bit forward on some subjects. Yeah I know a bit of a shocker , eh? “Well you know those full body lace jump suit things you buy to get your partner “going” (yes I used my fingers in the air). Well think of having to wear that and feel okay with wearing that. Now I want you to grab some men’s work pants, a heavy work shirt, pair of steel toed boots and last but not least a pair of gloves. Now in your mind you need to think you are a Chef but you have to wear those same clothes everyday.”
With a loving look she replied to me “I am not sure I understand”.
So I took a very deep breath and tried to explain what I was talking about. “You see you have your birthday suit, you can’t change that. It is always your skin you know how it feels. But then you have that lace next to it and it makes you feel sexy and different. Now you have on the work clothes but they don’t fit right by any shape or form. In your mind after a few minutes you start to resent them. Now you are a chef and you have to cook while wearing these things and it doesn’t make it easy. Now let look at what I said. You know how you feel while naked and with the lace on and it makes you feel beautiful. But with the work clothes on you are trying to be something that you are not and it is covering the beauty that you enjoy. Even worse is the feeling while working nothing is going right try chopping an onion with gloves on. This is only some of the way people like me feel when we fight against ourselves. Then it makes you sick that you can’t feel comfortable in the work clothes in the first place. Then there is the hidden shame of the feeling of wanting the beauty that is not supposed to be yours. This can easily be flipped for those who are F2M Transgender. The sad part is that it never stops, it is always there.”
Now this friend I love her to bits, she is really wonderful. Asked me “What about your relationship with God?” now I know just how many of you out there thought “oh no, not that question” well my friend is Catholic and she is a strong follower. But not narrow minded to the point that she is unwilling to be friends with me.
So I replied….
“I don’t think about it anymore. Look I have been told so many times that I needed to pray it away. In fact it was pounded into my head right up to 4 years ago. I did a lot of praying, every time they asked if I could help at church I would do it. But it never seemed to stop the feelings or the self hate. Self hate is really destructive it leads to depression and suicidal thoughts. At some point you have to say enough is enough. If it is broken you fix it. But to keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result is just stupid. So I had to look at my connection with God. Who was God to me and which God was correct. Once I made the choice to fully transition I started to see the ugly side of believers. I was not searching for it but I could see it. It started slow but then as I looked more and more it was everywhere. Was this really the God I wanted to be with? If I was judged by the people that I kept some of them would put me into a lot of trouble. So much hate and unwillingness to understand something different. I would see signs and hear people say “Oh my, that person (me) is a homosexual”. “Sodomy is against the lord and is a sin.” I looked at my friend and let out a huge sigh. “Look it is not that simple Sodomy requires the bum hole. I am getting a vag and like others who have them they get used. They are not Sodomized. But you see it is for this very reason that I cannot be linked to people filled with so much hate. I know the books I have read them looking for a solution. So in the end I came to a point where I could feel okay with my beliefs and God. I give everyone the same right to believe just don’t try to force me to think the same way. ”
We sat there as friends and finished our cups a few tears were shed and she started to ask more questions and began to understand what my life was like beyond what I wrote in my book (which she read). Like a true friend she looked at me with one final question and asked “Are you okay, do you feel complete and at peace”.
I looked and gave her a hug. I said “For once in my life, I am…”
We talked about a few more things kids and life. After about an hour and to much food. We parted with hugs and promises to do it again soon. But there is something more to this story…
While we were having our lunch a table near us was listening and spent just as much time doing so as we did. I saw my friend off and one of the women walked up to me. She gently placed her hand on my shoulder to get my attention. “Thank you, I am so sorry but we listened in on your conversation and you were able to answer so many questions we had. We hear about people like you and no one is ever able to place a human side to it. In fact my sister and I did not even know.” I looked at this wonderful person and said “I wish I never knew as well” she replied to me “Is it okay if I give you a hug”. After the hug I was properly introduced to both her and her sister. We talked a bit and I gave me business card for the book (you have to promote). I may never seen them again, but in that hug there was understanding”
That is what I am trying to do. You don’t have to like me or why I am the way I am. But at least become educated on why I am the way I am. After all I still have the same colour of blood as you.
BTW: My friend called and we have out next lunch setup.