Aleana's Journey

Oh the bane of writing with Word. But you make do with what you have. I was working on a couple of my books and one of them that I put in over 20,000 words and saved it to a jump drive and I did not copy that on to my hard drive and secure cloud. Then the power went out, I thought as I got up that’s okay I had autosave going and I have just told it to manual save as well. But something happened and when the power was back on the document was gone. I have looked and looked for it. GONE

Oh I was very upset as most of what I write is on the fly. But this time I was able to make notes that I was putting on Word. So I am just looking at maybe 5,000 lost words as well as 11 hours.

I also have been so busy working on a book that I have at the Copyright stage so I can talk about it.

This is a book that I and a few others have been pouring a bucket load of hours into. Last week I did over 100 hours and I had a battle with Word over using it to create one 2 page part of it. That took over 44 hours and 4 revisions. Blight is a work of love and role playing games. To which I have enjoyed for close to 30 years. Sounds crazy to be writing a game but why not I have an idea and a crap load of notes. It all started with another friend trying to build his and he ran out of steam. He offered all his notes and a materials, so I said yes! Now I am knee deep in hard work and effort to finish this project.

I am hoping to have this ready to look at crowd funding soon as once we have the main book done I feel that would show those willing to invest in it that it is worth their money. I would say that the bulk of the rule system is about 75% done. A bit more expanding some of the features of the project and away we go to stage 2. We are currently testing the system with two different groups. The feedback has been amazing. I have also gain a few really good testers who love to break the system and are invested in seeing it become a success.

The book “The Choice” is with the test readers……still, Argh lol

The book “Leaves” is under going a third rewrite……As some of the context needs a bit of a rethink.

The book “Cooking to Connect” is stalled due to other projects

The book “What the doctors did not tell me” is still in concept stage. In other words I have the title and the idea, lol.

Well that is the latest update as exciting as it is.

Yesterday a friend lost his battle…….

So, in memory of my friend I want to talk about what my depression looks like.

I was six years old when things start not to feel right about looking at my body. It did not add up, I shrugged it off at times. I was about 10 when those feelings started to really cause problems. I started to hate what I saw in the mirror in, fact it did not get better until I started taking hormones. But that is a different issue. I was 12 the first time I told someone about what was going on and it did not go well. As a result I recoiled and started a path of being anti-social and that about 6 to 7 years later resulted me in starting to take drugs and drink. I really did not know or understand why I kept feeling so much chaos in my life.

I never thought I would ever meet a person who would take advantage of a persons depression. But I did and I suffered a bit at the hands of that person. But once again not knowing what was really going on with my own issues. My Dysphoria was going crazy about the time of the birth of my son Gabriel. So I was seeing a friend who suggested that I talk to a doctor about all that was going on. So i did and for about 3 years I was on anti-depressants. I was okay with that they calmed some of my hatred from my body. But like I said I had this person in my life that started to play mind games. At one point telling me that the Anti-depressants weren’t working and I needed to stop. I trusted this person so I stopped taking them. But then all the problems with my Gender Dysphoria came rushing back in but this time 10x worse than what they were with the pills. I also started to withdraw from friends and family as well. But then this person took another step and started telling me that the person I was seeing was not doing a good job and I needed to stop seeing her. Red flags should have shot up but I was so messed up as I was just a huge pile of emotions and no one to talk it out with. So I thought I could confide in this person who was telling me everything else was bad. That information was also being used against me.

It was at this point in my life that the crying for hours on end returned. The last time I felt that bad about myself was when I was about 14. At the height of the abuse by my mother. It was also at that very same time when my dad was away that my mother was taking me to see the Bishop and I had to have regular appointments (but I am not really ready to talk about that issue). Needless to say back then I was in hell and now I was going through it as an adult. I was also in a job that I liked. Even though there were a lot of workplace problem 90% of the staff were amazing and I still count them as great people and love to see them from time to time. But I was told that I needed to make more money and that I was not good enough. The stresses at work were not helping as well. Which I sank even lower. If it would not have been for a close friend things could have been much worse. We left…..

But my depression is not one where I cry without end anymore, since I cut that person out of my life. That really is one of the worst feelings in the world when you can’t stop crying and you don’t even know why you are crying in the first place. But I still have some of those feelings that pop up from time to time. But now I have ways of dealing with those issues and I got those skills from the person I used to talk to in the first place. Sometimes the pain of getting rid of those who are causing problems in your life is better than the pain of keeping them. There are the times where I still need to just close the doors and climb back in bed and get more sleep. Those are the hard times that really mess with me. Where I stop talking and I sleep it off. In about 8 hours I come right and I then go do something with a friend and have a chat over a cuppa. Then I center myself and come back to solid ground. Does not happen often anymore that is a wonderful feeling. But you need to get the tools and learn how to listen to your body.

Last year I started talking openly about my depression with others and even my children. I started to let everyone know what it was like and sometimes I just need a hug and a cuppa to keep going. I get by with a little help from my friends and my kids are wonderful as well. When my youngest Daughter slipped into a mental health issue of her own. We got the right help and we are able to talk it out and we have this wonderful bond. She comes to me as a person who she loves and trusts. But she also talks about her issues very candidly. The tools are out there and active use of them combined with talking it out. The more I think if we understand depression and how people deal with it the more we can save lives.

I have lost three friends in 10 years who have taken their lives from depression. Two of them I never knew had issues because they did not talk openly. So here I am talking openly making sure people know it is okay to talk about it. Yeah Hormones have been a huge help in my depression battles. While this might not be a solution for everyone the first starting point is talking it out. I will miss my friend…. don’t make me miss you as well.

Well I am right on schedule to releasing book 2. But this time it is not as simple as telling a story. This time it is about creating an epic adventure that everyone can join in. I am going to be releasing a Role Playing game. A week ago I tested my Game with some wonderful people. We are currently in Pre-Publish version of the Game at 1.2 we expect to have the second test of the game 6th of November followed by the 2.0 version.

Well i really do need to get back to working on the project but I thought I would just give everyone an update. If you are in the US. GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND VOTE! The time to stop the Monsters that have been elected is at hand before it becomes to late to act.

I also want to say a heart felt sadness to the lives once again lost by the senseless violence at another shooting. The Jewish community are no different than a school full of children or any other place. Stop thinking that a gun is worth more than a life. Stop making excuses for not acting. The blood of those who have died because nothing was done is on your hands, America….

Oh Myyyyyy…..

I would not have ever thought I would get back into self defense. I thought I was done with that stage of my life. I should have known better when one of my best friends asked to enrol my children in Jiu-Jujitsu. Here we are two years later and many changes have taken place. Gabriel one of my sons is a Yellow belt in the sport and has moved towards a more aggressive side of BJJ. My lovely daughter is about to exit a younger class in exchange for going to an all women’s club that opened in our town. Hezekiah is still going strong in his club.

Well if you have been reading my blog you have read that I joined a all women’s club on their invitation. Well someone smack me I am thinking of joining a full club as the all women’s club does not do grading and I want to know more (okay another habit). But I plan on staying at the all women’s club as well. BJJ is so different when I sat on the sidelines it did not really click with me. Now that I have been on the mat and have had a few Rolls. I can see the respect that everyone has for each other or at least the ladies do. Yeah I am Trans and they don’t care. So now I am planning out how I am going to do this on my limited budget as I need to get Gabriel a new Gi first and into his new school uniform.

But I am also very nervous about being around new people in close proximity to my space bubble. It is a very strange feeling being openly scared of men. That sense where I used to respond with equal aggression is now gone. I even find my sense of trust at night has changed as well. I guess by joining a BJJ club I want to regain some of that sense of security that I am needing. A few weeks ago I had an event that scared the living shit out of me. I was just going to Grocery store and a guy was drunk and giving me some issues. I stood my ground but when I got home I crumbled and it was so very scary. I miss having that sense of understanding that I am safe. Now I am not safe and I am concerned when I am alone. Though no more going to the store late at night…..

Though good news a book will be released by end of year…..

Hey you out their all alone wondering why i’ll never call let me tell you.

I hate people reading this. But sometimes people need to learn to stand up for what is right. So by an example I will write this to you as an open letter. A long time ago I would have done anything for you. I would have given marrow for someone who is now gone. I even offered.
You broke my heart and my trust and now you say to my children that you were fearful that you would not hear from them until they were adults. Did you know that all you ever had to do was to say sorry to me. I would have forgiven you but not forgotten. Now you not only went behind my back and talked to my children without my blessing. You continue to stand with those who you should not stand with. Never once seeking forgiveness from me.
If it would have been my choice you would have never heard from them ever. But I have taught my children that there are always three sides to every story. Your’s, Mine and somewhere in the middle is the Truth. I have taught them if you have questions ask, dig and investigate. Then make a choice on what you believe, but be flexible because you might be wrong. I am Steel with you.
If stealing something that can never be replaced was not enough. If calling something yours that is mine, is not enough. If outing me was not enough. If calling me names was not enough. If ignoring blood was not enough. You talked to my children without talking to me, First.
I know you read, because my tracking software tells me. Let me make this perfectly clear to you. You tweaked one of my children so bad that I don’t even know my Grandchildren, let alone her. You tweaked her so bad that she hates me without even knowing me. You are not welcome to talk to these three children. You can’t be trusted, you know that hurts me to say that than the willingness to forgive you. So let me make this perfectly clear to you.
You think your family, your not even worth the salt in my urine. Stay away from my children, we don’t associate with people like you…..

Wow, okay I am hooked, as I looked at the young man telling us we has 10 minutes warning for the Northern Women’s BJJ class. The only thing that ran through my mind was really this sucks its over for another week. What a major bummer…..

While it was only three of us. I had wished there were more who took the time and learned these protections. I wanted the time to turn back and do it all over again. As I drove home thinking to myself what have I missed out on for so many years. In three lessons I am hooked. I really am looking forward to lesson four. Even if it is painful afterwards…Worth every tear of knee pain. It will get better as I learn ways to avoid those positions where the knees are taking the stress to cause the pain.

Well I have been hinting for a while that something wonderful was on its way. That it is, this week we started to promote our new business. What does this mean?