Hey in case you did not already know as I find new links and information I try to put it up when I find it. So if you are thinking I am not posting I might be doing that or I might even be doing my Homework……Might.
Tonight I was at a good friends Birthday party. When someone found a “Trigger” I did not know I had and it messed with my head a bit. The trigger was very simple. But first let me explain the word usage of “Trigger”. The word “Trigger” is used in such a way to say this is going to change my emotional state and not always for the best.
So this person without him knowing asked a question, which to him he did not know nor did I that it was going to cause an mood shift in me. Parties don’t always give you the space to defrag the issues that comes with a “Trigger”. So instead of being rude I pressed forward having a good time until I start to feel a little bit off. So I talked to my friend and said “Hey”. As I got home I started to unpack the emotional response in a self care environment, i went to bed….lol.
When I woke back up I was able to look at his question in a different light. The question was “How was your Childhood?”. Asking a person that simple question was very hard to answer because I could not be rude and say “Hey read my book lets avoid this question”. So being fair to him I tried to say “Hey it was not great”. But repression of the truth sometimes can be a bad thing. But even shortening the issues can also be just as Bad.
Now for the context 1 year ago my mother passed away. Now before anyone says “So sorry to hear that” you might not like my comment that comes back. I let her go out of my life a long time ago. I sat in my bed defraging why my mood had gone shitty. I sat there and thought about my children and how I love them in a way that I did not get from my own mother. I am very attentive to their needs and wants. I work hard at helping them understand that I love and care for them on a daily basis. We play and goof off together as well. We looked at my childhood and all the learning I am still doing trying to figure out “Why”.
I wanted my children to understand that good things can come from bad things. They know of my mum and how my home life was so much different to their lives and that I am here for them. We are not perfect family by any means we are a divorced family who struggles with fighting a “Interesting” battle from the other party saying “Your dad” is, never, made me, and even the did nothing. So we have struggles that are not fun. As the oldest has had to learn that if something like that is said he can ask friends of the family for the truth and look at the evidence (something one of my sisters should learn to do). Then once he gets to a point of having enough information he can make a choice. Then we sit down and work on some self care and work it out in our minds. We learn to hope to see things change but also understand somethings will never change and to find the good things and leave the bad things alone. BTW Divorced parents telling lies about your ex partner will only end up with you looking very stupid. Plus it is not right to do that to a child you claim to love.
So where does this take us on the issue of a “Trigger” well it is very simple if you know where the landmine is don’t step on it. learn that while things were Bad behind closed doors we can find some happiness in those dark times. I still say that there is no excuse for abuse! But would I have ever learned that my self care is music. Yeah I play guitar and I suck at it but it is something I enjoy. I will never be in a band as a guitarist but if those years would not have allowed me to enjoy so many different forms of music, my life would be so dull right now.
So the moral is that it was not his fault that I was “Triggered” it was not my fault as well. It just is…….I am learning to workout those “Triggers” once I find them so that I can put a flag on the land mine and not step on it in the future.
For the past couple of weeks I have been having issues that might be linked to a liver issue. Because I have been having itches from the top of my head to my feet, I mean bad! Even waking me up in the middle of the night. So today I had a meeting with my Doctor about my issues and we looked at different ways of supplying the Estrogen. So now the Sub-dermal patches are out as we are trying to see if I am having a reaction to the adhesive that is used. Since I have always used the same place she was able to look at the skin reaction i was having to them.
Oestradiol Valerate is the new delivery system I am using. In conversations I was informed that they are finding out that over time people using the Patches are having reactions and the patches are also not working as they should with prolonged use. Well this was new news to me. I did a lot of reseach before choosing to go with the patches as I saw they were the best delivery system. So now back to basics with “The Pill” yup that is what this is the new pills are “The Pill” hope I don’t fall pregnant as a reverse joke.
But I will have to keep you up to date on how things are going I will be going in for a review soon. Once again if you are self medicating STOP! Get a doctor and be open with them!
I have added 3 books so far. I have been very busy doing research and going to school. Sorry the page has suffered for it. I will try to add more as I get time.
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This subject started off from a new friend walking the same path as I.
I have been taking the time and looking at personalities of Men and Transwomen. This is not done in a blind study or anything fancy it is just my observations. I am going to try to break it apart in a few simple areas. But I am going to be using myself and maybe a couple of others (no names).
I think it is important that we take a long look at age vs. transition. The reason for this is that the more a Trans person has to act the role the more personality traits become ingrained into their lives. For example (using myself) at the time of writing this I am 47. When it comes to cars I love the sound of a V8 tuned up and roaring to life. This is something I fell in love with working on a few motors over the years. If I would have been able to transition much earlier in life I would not have fallen in love with that sound because I would have spent more time and years doing thing more associated with women. But the funny thing is I hate the feel of grease (but love the musical).
We all have issues with anger and don’t waste my time trying to say you don’t. Anger comes in so many different forms. Though like my dad I have a level that hits and roofs will be taken off when I reach it. Mind you I save it for times when righteous anger is needed. This is a manly trait very few women have I ever known to reach the level of self explosion. I think if I would have Transitioned earlier in life this might not have been an issues as most women are taught to be a meeker and milder group. Though say this I would like to point out that I do have a few Spanish women in our family and even I know you don’t cross a Spanish momma, lol.
This hit me very hard a few months ago when a very special person who I know in a few different circles said “Wow Ally, you are so different now. You used to be so angry” I walked away and thought very hard on what she said. I think that storing all those emotions is a very manly trait as I was never able to release in case of showing the weakness that was so very clear to me. As I started my Transition I began to see that even to this day I still bottle it all up until I have to let it out. Where the norm should be talk it over with my girl friends and spills it out for better health, but it is not something I have ever done (I am learning).
I have never had a problem with empathy, which most men unless taught miss those clues or are not able to connect.
This is one I think with age comes the issues of unlearning “Bad habits”. For example sitting correctly to avoid the “Man gap” Sitting with your legs wide apart. This is something we teach our daughters not to do because it is not “Lady Like”. Ways of eating and the amount that are eaten. Drinking anything…..I hate straws I always have but lipstick lasts longer with them.
You see even though to most of us in Transition may be trying to live life as close to the ways we think we should. We forgotten the fact that we are all different that media has also played a huge part in what we think and feel is the correct way to act and respond. Now just because I have pointed out a few issues out of the hundreds. Does not mean that being Trans is a phase or a choice. What I am trying to point out is that the more you act like something the more you can become like it even though at the base of it all you still are not that something. Accept who you are even if it means like me you are a V8 girl who loves doing my nails. In this life there is no real right or wrong in the sense of being a man, woman or even a Transperson. The only wrong is trying to be something you are not. To that I remind you “to thine own self be true – Polonius (Hamlet)”
I am Trans and I am okay with that!
As a Divorced parent i think i am more than qualified to bring this point up. STOP being assholes in front of your kids. It does not matter why the or how the Divorce took place. Yeah you might be very hurt, you might even still be in love with the other parent. You need to use some emotional intelligence and realize your outward anger is hurting your children. It can be so very hard at times to keep your mouth shut.
It will come as no surprise that I don’t really care for my Ex. I do however wish the best for her in front of the children and I never say anything negative about her. Even when the kids come home and say “Mum says…..”. Yeah it is very upsetting that she is not able to use emotional intelligence. But in the end when my kids think of me they know I am not going to bad mouth their mum. Then they also know I am a good person who does not do that to other people. It becomes a good example, positive learning.
Actions and words used with Emotional Intelligence change environments beyond any negative comments will ever do. This creates a more harmonic home life for them. Kids are already in enough stress due to two adults thinking of themselves and Divorcing. Then Lets toss in school and friends and all the fun stress that comes with understanding those. Next if you toss in juvenile actions of some divorced parents. The child might have a harder time just being a kid.
So what am i asking? It is very simple walk away take a time out for yourself. Eat some chocolate due some stairs do something other than being an asshole in front of your children. There is a possibility that they will grow up mean and horrible person. They might even think far worse things that both of my parents never wanted me…… You make the choice, i can’t make it for you. I am just seeing the impact of how being kind to the other parent is working for me. We have time for the fun things in life, like unconditional love (every kid deserves this).
Well not a lot of crap has been going on to judge what is going on in my emotional development. In fact things are very stable over all and I am very pleased. A few commercials have played a bit of havoc. Then I went to a Mental Health First Aid class and that was very hard at times. Mainly due to some of the subject material.
I am still having itchy issues without taking hay fever meds. I am over all very pleased with my breast development. Still have a bit of hair on my body that is driving my razor to levels of hate.
Surprised at the level of dry skin I have now. Where before the hormones it was a bit oily. Even my hair used to be very oily now it is normal.
My hair has been getting longer and longer. It is very nice to enjoy a full head of hair. Though I am learning to deal with the days when long hair is a bit of a curse. Then there are the times when you over heat due to the hair that covers your neck.
Oh my I had to change the style of bra’s I am using I have gone to a sports bra as I am in that middle area of needing to up size but the sport bra has a few new issues. Like when my nipples might rub on the fabric. Oh my that is not a friendly feeling all the time. Then there are the times when you need to change the sensation and you can’t do it due to being in public. So you find a public restroom and solve the problem.