Aleana's Journey

Most of the time it is a big block that stops me from writing. Not this time, it is just a lack of desire to let the creative juices to flow onto paper. Its not over not by a long shot. I just need to breathe from the chaos and confusion of my book “The Choice” I have never been so confused on if I am going the write way with a story. I spend time telling my children stories all the time. But this story I just so confused if I have the right path. I think it is very good but I want better than good I want great if not amazing to read.

My last post hinted at something exciting is coming and that it is. I am not going to let that cat of the bag so to speak.  So hang in there it is coming. I Promise….

There is something exciting taking place and soon I will be allowed to tell everyone. Though for right now…..

Something Magical this way comes….

Well, yes….

I just finished a wonderful day of doing something else I never thought I would do. I spent a few hours enjoying talking to Doctors about what it is like being Trans. This was done to help them be more in touch with understanding the issues that surround the Transcommunity. I was so impressed by these young and upcoming doctors. They asked questions that most would be to scared to ask. Oh if I could do it more often I would be so happy.

I am still part of the Human Library of Launceston who this year just hit there 10 year mark. If I could stress something in my little blog is for you to take the time and join the Human Library in your town. If you don’t have one, start one. The only way out of Ignorance is through Education.

I have met a ton of hate this past few months. What is so sad is that most of these people who like to express their hate waste their breath on me. I brush it off like dust on my shoulders. I had a Doctor who did not like that I was Trans and my children are with me. Do something very shocking and reprehensible. My youngest Daughter who has been dealing with demons after being sexually assaulted a number of years ago. She was suicidal and I started to get her assistance. But this doctor even with evidence in the form of a written letter from a Therapist called Child Services. Who then called me accusing me of not taking care of my child. I had to defend myself and show proof I was doing everything I could for my child.

Talk about being treated like I was a bad parent without evidence. The MAN on the phone kept telling me that this was a serious issue and that I needed to take it seriously. It was all I could do from having a come to Jesus meeting with this man. I had to remain calm and present the evidence and contact details of her Therapist. Oh it can be so hard sometimes. I so wanted to grab the man and tell him what it is like when your child tells you they feel like ending it all. Not to mention that my Ex and I are in a shared care agreement. Both of us should be doing all we can for our child. But to this man that shit did not matter it was my fault even though I had already done what needed to be done.
There is so much unseen trauma that surrounds the Sexual Assault of a child. Not only in the child but in the parents. While I might not care for my Ex and her actions these days. I know the pain we both suffered in seeing our child hurt to this extreme. Her battles have taken a toll on us in many ways as we struggle to be there for our child. I see some many of the adults who were once children who suffered at the hands of demented priests (pedophiles). Who have scars so very deep that it has ruined some of their lives. Some have even ended their lives due to the actions. Now these monsters are only slapped on the wrist but that is only my anger showing.
It hurt so much to have this man treated me like shit. All because a doctor did not like me. I really had to look at what took place before the call and who we involved in our lives. This doctor was the only new person who knew very little about our family. I saw her a few days ago while seeing my personal doctor and that doctor could/would not even look me in my face. What makes me so upset is that there is no way to prove it was her. Because child services don’t give out that information to protect the reporter. In someways that is good but as in this case that doctor needed to be retrained.

What many don’t understand is that I tried several times as a child to end it. My parents were all to blind to see something was really wrong. In fact they did not even notice that just a little love and listening without judging could have helped. It took years to address my problems without help from my parents.
My soul ripped apart when I heard my own daughters words. I knew that I had to do what my parents never did. I listened, listened and listened again to everything she needed to say. I got her help where I could not help. I have picked up my child held her comforted her while tears of pain rolled down both our faces. I have watched her sleep, hid knives, power cords were shortened, cleaning products were hidden, medicines were hidden and even slept with my eyes wide open. I would do it all over again if need be. What has this event done for my daughter and I, it brought us closer together. I told her about my past and the feelings that we shared. I told her together we can overcome the pain. We talk ever night about how things are going for her. I listen and listen again. I let her tell me about the monsters in her life. Then I tell her the tips to beating the monsters.
Where are we at now, there is always a bright light at the end of every tunnel. We just need to make sure it is not the train. But for my Daughter it is the sun light of being loved and cared for.

I have also dealt with the anger from my Ex for things that make no sense. I really felt sorry for my attorney/friend. He had the full anger of my frustrations dealing with her.

I don’t know why she wastes so much energy of hating me. She knew what happened to my mother and how she poisoned her body with so much hate. I would hate to see her end up like my mother years down the road never really knowing what happiness is. I have learned to document everything. All the rants and nutty things that go on. I make sure I even keep my receipts from shopping. Just in case she tries to say I am not feeding them. She is always trying to find problems where there are none. She even goes so far as telling my daughter tell your counselor about that (that being almost anything that she wants to make into a mountain). That’s great make our daughter look like she has got more problems than what she does. She keeps trying to convince the children to live only with her. Well anyone with two eyes cans see that is never going to work as long and she keeps acting like this. At about 10 kids start seeing the truth in adults. They tell me everything even when I don’t want to know. Like how her boy has said he uses their mum’s boobs as pillows. What a piece of (BEEP) telling a kid that, it is kinda creepy…

Then finding a new school for my son who is going into High school. Wow what a event this has been. Working my ass off doing that. I am so proud of him. He has been working so hard on getting his grades up. He has also played a big part in choosing the school that was best for him. I trusted him as we went through the process of the choice. He interviewed all the schools writing down the Pro’s and Cons to each only asked questions that would help him choose. In the end I think he made the right choice for his future. Gosh it feels like he was just a baby a few years ago. Now I have a young man in my home.

It seems like that every job I go for and that I am more than qualified for. When they meet me, I must have a huge “personality” that scares them into not wanting me on their team. I am sure you can read in between the lines on that one. Because it is against the law to discriminate based on Gender and Sexuality.

But they would never do that, would they….

 

So yeah, my writing has taken a bit of a back seat. I would say I am sorry but I am not sorry. So much going on that has put a big cork in the creative side of my writing. Trust me the ideas are flowing but not onto paper.

Hello my readers…….

I know I said I would be posting more but life sometimes throws a monkey wrench here and there. Sometimes the bounce back can take time. Well I am back at it again.

I am still sitting at 70,000(ish) words in the the book called The Choice. But after a bit of Grounding (if you are not sure what that is, take the time and read about it) I have started to rewrite a few chapters. I have also added in something I am going to ask the reader to do while reading the book. It took me forever to write a Foreword. I have the story always in my head and I want it be special. So we will see if I can make it happen.

More updates as I can do it, you know life is fun sometimes. Remember be kind to one another, there is to much hate these days.

This week has been a roller coaster of learning. I have been working very hard on the edit of my current book. I know I had a goal to have it out by xx time and that fell through. Such the plans of mice and men / women. It is a lot of effort for me to read what I have written as my ability to read in itself is difficult. Then that compounds with the ability to comprehend the written word. As a Dyslexic my skills in learning the standard way can be difficult at times. So here I have me working on editing my own work while trying to tell a story at the same time then you toss that into the blender of my comprehension. Wow, it is so very draining.

Then while working the current edit of my book. I was alerted to a question by someone who was close to me. They felt comfortable enough to allow me not only address their question but to write about it. I am not going to give a “Trigger Warning”. Here is the reason why. I think we need to have these conversations to allow growth as a species.

The question was “Am I wrong in thinking that there are only two sexes (male and female)”. We sat down and started to enjoy a cuppa. To talk over this question, here is how I addressed it.

“No you are not right or wrong. What you have been lead to believe is that the binary of male and female is correct. This does not mean you are right or wrong. You can only follow the education that you have been given in certain subjects. Now when we look at the facts of biology we can see a huge spectrum of sexual identifying characteristics. The Helix of your genetic make up says that you are XY or XX. But then we have to toss in the issue of Genetic fuck up’s which for the most part we as a society don’t like to acknowledge. Those being people who are Intersexed (BTW you are not a fuck up) they sit in the middle of the two sexes. Now I am sorry but I don’t want to bore you with tons of medical junk so I am kind of paraphrasing a bit. That gives us three sexes once you see that logic suggests that it can swing both ways from the middle point. Much like a see saw. But we need to keep in mind that there are so few of those in the middle and for the most part we have XX & XY.”

My friend sat back and started to look at the small information I gave her. I have always been an easy person to talk to about things. We just sat there for a while and enjoyed some small talk. Thought it was easy to see that I have sparked a thought or two in her head. After our lunch she spoke up again and asked the following “Well if the above is true how does it apply to you. I am a bit confused about you being Transgender.”

I had a feeling this was where it was going, you know those “Feelings”…. So I answered he question with the following.

“Thank you, for feeling comfortable enough to ask me. Well it is very simple I was born on the male biological spectrum of XY. There is nothing I can change about that. But all my life, my thoughts did not feel comfortable in that role. I can do it, but all I am is an actor. Even though the science says I am an XY person. Now that is all physical it has nothing to do with what lies between our ears. Even though right now science is finding out through MRI’s and CAT scans that those who identify as being Transgender have a different brain structure. Meaning that I was born XY, my brain is showing signs that do not match the overwhelming majority of XY persons.”

We sat back and enjoyed another cuppa. I could see another question forming and she began to wiggle in her seat feeling a bit uncomfortable to ask. So I told her “Go for it, ask me”. She took a hard swallow and asked “Since you know you were born XY, why did you not just continue to ignore the feelings of XX”

This is a question I have gone through my head so many times. I even told myself while playing the role of XY that I could keep doing it. So I looked at her and answered her question “You see it all the time actors and actresses who become known for that role of the Bad guy or the Hero. If you were to ask them why keep doing it some might say it is a paycheck. But deep down inside they want to play a different role. It is killing them to keep doing the same thing over and over. Trying to force myself to continue to adhere to the lifestyle of XY and have this nagging feeling that something is not right causes a huge amount of pain. I wanted to be free to just be myself and see where life takes me. I struggled so much doing the “fake it until you make it”. I tried it all the pray away, the therapist who says do this or do that, the self hate, and even the macho man life style. But it never worked, I could not stand what I saw and felt like.”

Next thing I knew my friend looked me strait in the eye and said “What did it feel like? having these feelings”

So, I am a bit cheeky at times and can be a bit forward on some subjects. Yeah I know a bit of a shocker , eh? “Well you know those full body lace jump suit things you buy to get your partner “going” (yes I used my fingers in the air). Well think of having to wear that and feel okay with wearing that. Now I want you to grab some men’s work pants, a heavy work shirt, pair of steel toed boots and last but not least a pair of gloves. Now in your mind you need to think you are a Chef but you have to wear those same clothes everyday.”

With a loving look she replied to me “I am not sure I understand”.

So I took a very deep breath and tried to explain what I was talking about. “You see you have your birthday suit, you can’t change that. It is always your skin you know how it feels. But then you have that lace next to it and it makes you feel sexy and different. Now you have on the work clothes but they don’t fit right by any shape or form. In your mind after a few minutes you start to resent them. Now you are a chef and you have to cook while wearing these things and it doesn’t make it easy. Now let look at what I said. You know how you feel while naked and with the lace on and it makes you feel beautiful. But with the work clothes on you are trying to be something that you are not and it is covering the beauty that you enjoy. Even worse is the feeling while working nothing is going right try chopping an onion with gloves on. This is only some of the way people like me feel when we fight against ourselves. Then it makes you sick that you can’t feel comfortable in the work clothes in the first place. Then there is the hidden shame of the feeling of wanting the beauty that is not supposed to be yours. This can easily be flipped for those who are F2M Transgender. The sad part is that it never stops, it is always there.”

Now this friend I love her to bits, she is really wonderful. Asked me “What about your relationship with God?” now I know just how many of you out there thought “oh no, not that question” well my friend is Catholic and she is a strong follower. But not narrow minded to the point that she is unwilling to be friends with me.

So I replied….

“I don’t think about it anymore. Look I have been told so many times that I needed to pray it away. In fact it was pounded into my head right up to 4 years ago. I did a lot of praying, every time they asked if I could help at church I would do it. But it never seemed to stop the feelings or the self hate. Self hate is really destructive it leads to depression and suicidal thoughts. At some point you have to say enough is enough. If it is broken you fix it. But to keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result is just stupid. So I had to look at my connection with God. Who was God to me and which God was correct. Once I made the choice to fully transition I started to see the ugly side of believers. I was not searching for it but I could see it. It started slow but then as I looked more and more it was everywhere. Was this really the God I wanted to be with? If I was judged by the people that I kept some of them would put me into a lot of trouble. So much hate and unwillingness to understand something different. I would see signs and hear people say “Oh my, that person (me) is a homosexual”. “Sodomy is against the lord and is a sin.” I looked at my friend and let out a huge sigh. “Look it is not that simple Sodomy requires the bum hole. I am getting a vag and like others who have them they get used. They are not Sodomized. But you see it is for this very reason that I cannot be linked to people filled with so much hate. I know the books I have read them looking for a solution. So in the end I came to a point where I could feel okay with my beliefs and God. I give everyone the same right to believe just don’t try to force me to think the same way. ”

We sat there as friends and finished our cups a few tears were shed and she started to ask more questions and began to understand what my life was like beyond what I wrote in my book (which she read). Like a true friend she looked at me with one final question and asked “Are you okay, do you feel complete and at peace”.

I looked and gave her a hug. I said “For once in my life, I am…”

We talked about a few more things kids and life. After about an hour and to much food. We parted with hugs and promises to do it again soon. But there is something more to this story…

While we were having our lunch a table near us was listening and spent just as much time doing so as we did. I saw my friend off and one of the women walked up to me. She gently placed her hand on my shoulder to get my attention. “Thank you, I am so sorry but we listened in on your conversation and you were able to answer so many questions we had. We hear about people like you and no one is ever able to place a human side to it. In fact my sister and I did not even know.” I looked at this wonderful person and said “I wish I never knew as well” she replied to me “Is it okay if I give you a hug”. After the hug I was properly introduced to both her and her sister. We talked a bit and I gave me business card for the book (you have to promote). I may never seen them again, but in that hug there was understanding”
That is what I am trying to do. You don’t have to like me or why I am the way I am. But at least become educated on why I am the way I am. After all I still have the same colour of blood as you.

BTW: My friend called and we have out next lunch setup.

“If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so.” – Thomas Jefferson

This is one of the founders of the US. Read it understand it before continuing…..

Now I want to address those who are of the LGBT+ communities and in the US. In 2016 warning flags began to show with the so-called president Trump. Warnings were sounded time and time again. We should have known what was coming with his choice of Mike Pence as his VP. In the first days of his role as president down came the white house page about LGBT+. The erosion continued from there, the attacks on Transgender & LGBT+ rights, combined with the Attacks on Women have sent up new warning flags. In these last two weeks we have seen another attack on the basic human rights for those who are Transgender and in prison or Jail.

So now what you are asking what am I going to tell you. Well I am not asking you to start a war. I am asking to try something different. In the past the US gave protection to people and communities who were in danger through visa’s. There are some countries who offer safe and caring communities. If you are talented and a good person this idea will make it easier to happen. What I am asking you to do is do your research and apply for a protection visa. Yes this is a BIG ask not only for you but for the world. This is creating a huge light on the unjust laws and actions of the US towards its own. I am not asking you to give up on America, you will always be an American, it is in your blood. You might even get denied this request but the more we do it the more people start to question what is going on and it is a voice in the dark. If enough people do it, it will be the first time in American history that people are fleeing its borders.
Yes, this is a dark move. But now is the time and day you need to ask yourself are you safe. Right now this questions answer is a resounding NO! So it is you duty to resist to disobey as one of the founding fathers once said. Doing something that is against the law will place you in more danger, PLEASE don’t do anything that will risk you going to jail.

You might be saying Ally you’re not in the US. It is okay to say what you are saying in a safe country. You are 100% right, I am in a safe place. I walk down the street safe. I have a community that are not LGBT+ who care for me as a human being. I also have a community that are LGBT+ who are strong and care for others. There is nothing greater than being in a safe place where can live and thrive. Can you say that about the US? If you think it will get better let me put a light on that thinking. This is the second year of overwhelming attacks on the LGBT+ communities that combined with the attacks on Women’s Rights. What do you think the next 31(ish) months are going to produce? I promise you the writing is on the wall.

Now lets take a look at the worse case scenario. Right now Trump is under investigation it has been going on for a very long time. Lets say it comes back and he is in very big trouble. He is Teflon and it will not stick even if he is forced to leave the White House. So what then well you have someone worse than Bump-a-Trump. You have Pent-up-Pence a man who is openly anti LGBT and wants women’s rights reduced to what they were in the 50’s if not back to the 1800’s. Sure right now you are reading this and thinking that I might be a little off my nutter. But here is the facts Pence here recently spoke at a University that to this day is openly anti-LGBT. He has supported bills in his home state that attack the LGBT+ communities and he supports Conversion Therapy. A Therapy that has been deemed Pseudoscience by leading organizations throughout the world. Including the AMA ! you know the guys who are backed by medical professionals and scientists. Who do you think will be worse a mad man or a man with a belief structure that religion is not separate from government.
Really quickly think about what my last line was there. Religion that is not Separate from Government. In the US they strike fear into everyone that Islam is a bad thing because it is part of Governments. Is that not the same thing but a different way of believing in the same god while trying to lead a government.

So what if you can’t get out….? Well vote, vote and vote. Look last election you had the opportunity to vote in a person who would have won, but you chose to run with Hillary. Let’s be honest with ourselves she stood no chance. People did not like her and then she stacked the primary for herself to win. People saw this and it changed votes away from her. They may have even thought that they had no where to go, so they did not even vote. 2020 is coming up quick but not fast enough. If you can get out do it! If you can’t then be vocal!

I stopped watching US news this year because it was getting so bad that it scared me. I started listening to other news sources and reading what some of my friends in the US have been saying. I am not trying to fear monger, what I am trying to do is save lives before it gets worse. Hate me for what I am saying, I am okay with that. Tell me I don’t know what I am talking about and that I am just a “Libtard”. That is okay too, but remember this History is a cruel mistress. If you don’t learn from it you are doomed to repeat it. It always starts slow and then in the end you are left wondering how it happened. I never thought I would see the Nazi flag flying proud in the streets of America. My Grandfather and others fought hard to avoid that. But yet here is a president who does not shun it, in fact he supported it. I never thought I would see christian channels in the US tout him and saying he is sent by GOD, but yet they do. I never thought I would see the LDS church support a monster like Trump. But they did and still do. I never thought that the the US would escalate a war between two groups and the world would do nothing about it. Yet look at what his choice to move the US embassy has done. I even had a friend who is a believer in Christ says this is modern-day revelation being fulfilled. Yet all I can see is a monster who does not care for the value of human life and no longer cares.

Well I think I have made my point. I am worried for each and everyone of you. We have seen these monsters before in the past Hitler, Stalin, Nero, Mao and the list goes on and on. They were not sent by God then and this one is not sent by god now. So please be smart and get out if you can. If not speak out and vote. But most of all keep you heads low and out of the gun sights. Do not commit crimes you will not be protected. Avoid places that you have a “feeling” are not safe. I don’;t know what else to say other than I have listened to Pastor Martin Niemöller who wrote the famous lines of,

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

I am a Socialist, I am a Unionist, I am LGBT+, I am a Human, and I have spoken out.

Writing has become a passion for me, something I never thought I would ever be doing. So many stories to write but at the same time some start off with an amazing gust of wind but die as times marches onward.  That is more than okay, I have learned to let go when it is not working.
I was writing my dads story about his life. I ran into a huge problem. The dichotomy of how I was raised and what my family has become is as different as night and day. I have spent so much time and exhausting myself to the brink of collapse writing his story. I was so excited to know all about my father that I did not take the time and look at the cost of finding out the truth. Sometimes we need to learn not to ask the tough questions. Because the answers might not be what we were hoping for. My last post was about the truth of those answers and the impact they have.
Knowing what I know about what I have written I did not want the following to just sit on a shelf. As I know that her story and the truth need to be set free. I don’t promise this part of my fathers story is happy. Nor can I say one that is filled with peace. But from the emotions that it stirred and the impact it had as I wrote it lead me to feel it is what she would have said had she been given the chance.
So without further explanation This is my Grandmothers story. Thank you to my Aunts for all the stories. This is also for my father if he reads my blog. This is the best and fairest truth about her. RIP Grandma

I am Comalee Taylor I was born in 1913 to Papa Taylor and my mother in Oklahoma. I guess I am very fortunate woman who at times has had some bad luck, mainly with men. But that has never affected the reality that I have always worked hard. If I had to describe myself I would say I am a lovely Brown haired woman standing about 5’6 to 5’7 and slender built. People have said I am as kind hearted as I am Beautiful. I really don’t see that in myself when I look in the mirror, I am just me. You see I am partly Native American from my mother’s side. My father was an Oklahoman and not a very nice man. I suffered a lot at his hands for reasons I don’t know. After a particularly bad spell with my father. I am really not sure why or how it happened. When I was youngish I was given or shall I say rescued by Grover Robins a man who lived in my home town of Central Home, Oklahoma. All because my father just wanted to get rid of me for whatever reason.
Years went on and I grew up around the Robins family. I felt so loved and cared for by Dad and Mom Robins. Later, I did not mean it to happen nor did Fred, Grover’s son but we fell in love shortly after the loss of his First wife. We were married in 1931, oh the changes that were about to come into my life in such a short period of time I could not have foreseen. Though I always had to deal with a picture of his wife that he lost in childbirth on the mantlepiece. Though it was also said that I am one hell of a good cook. I used to make these pies and set them on the windowsill to cool. The other reason was to make sure Fred knew I was a good cook and where home was. Though there was this one time that some of my pies were stolen. So I called Grover who was the Sherriff in our town to report it. Low and behold it was Fred’s younger sisters who caught shall we say “Sticky” handed with the empty pie tin….Those were the days.

In the 1930’s things were very different for women, even more so for woman like me. We were expected to have children and raise them by ourselves. A lot of the time our husbands were not very helpful or at least Fred wasn’t. In 1932 before our first year anniversary our first child was born. This was one of the happiest times in my life. There she was my little girl Barbara. I did not know that I was going to become a baby making machine. You see Barbara was the first of five children. In 1934 along came Robert our first son. Oh I was so happy at that time in my life. It seemed like I had everything, wonderful children and a loving husband. Then in 1937 along came little Billy. Something was very different about this child. He was a bit sickly at times, there were even a few times I was scared for him. Before I knew it in 1938 Christine was born now I have 2 Boys and 2 Girls. At first I did not really understand that with every child the belt gets tighter and there is even less to spend. I don’t really think my husband understood that as well.

Little did I know it but the world was about to erupt in fire. World War 2 started and it changed so many lives. I think it was also the starting point to the end of Fred loving for me. Fred started working at Kelly Air Force Base building B17’s for the war effort. That was so far away from the children and I, over one day bus ride. I will not mix words things were not great at home. Fred’s dad and mom helped out a lot at this time. In 1942 at the height of World War 2, Fred on a visit home I fell pregnant with “My” last child. I did not know that the dream of loving this man was also about to come crashing down around my feet. I did not know that at the same time Fred was courting another woman in San Antonio, Texas.  Six months later when he came home for another visit and fate played a cruel joke on me. Fred informed me that he had fallen in love with another woman and that he wanted a divorce. I was six months pregnant with his child, I was so angry. I told him that under no circumstances was this child going to be born out of wedlock. That I would not grant him a divorce until then. I was hoping that it would snap him back into reality. But after his news he left to go back to San Antonio to be with this woman. There I was left with 4 children with one on the way, a broken heart and home. I think it would have lost it if it would not have been for Fred’s mom and dad. They certainly were my rock of salvation.

Three months later in 1943 my little girl Shirley was born. She was so beautiful in a very dark time in my life. I did not know that in 3 more months my world would change forever. Fred came home and dealt me another heartbreak. But I was not going down without a fight. I loved Fred so very much how could he do this to our family. I was going to have everything perfect the day he came home. I got up early made sure the house was perfectly clean, all the children were bathed and in clean clothes, I even took a bath in the morning making sure I was fresh. I put on my best dress a touch of Makeup and a dab of the perfume he bought me years before. I was ready, the house was ready, and I even went so far as to put a homemade pie in the oven. He was so very selfish. But when Fred returned home he walked inside ignoring me and everything I did. Basically tossed me out of the house with the Christine and Shirley at only 3 months of age. I turned to the only person’s I ever knew I could trust, Fred’s mom and dad. Grover once again rescued me, he was so very Angry with his son but even he could not change his sons mind. So as a result Grover being the towns Sheriff at one time used his skills in persuasion to tell Fred how it was going to be. That every month I was to be paid $100 dollars to help take care of the children. **Writers note $100 equals $1,690.97 in 2015**

Grover Robins being a fine and upstanding man surprised me that day treating me like his daughter. Drove me and the two girls away as I watched 3 of my children staring at us as we drove off. My heart was completely torn asunder. Grover then drove me a fair distance away as I requested. I could not stand to be near children I would not be allowed to see. I don’t think my heart ever healed from what Fred did. Grover was such a perfect Gentleman the next thing he did was to build the girls and I a home that he paid for. There were many conversations on that drive. Grover told me that he would make sure the other three children would come and visit. Though I am not sure if he really knew what Fred was going to do in the future. I even think that this choice of Fred’s damaged him in his parent’s eyes. I was never really alone, mom and dad robins always kept an eye on me and the children.

In 1944 Grover kept his word to me, I was able to see my three oldest children for a short time. Though little did I know that Fred was about to give me back my oldest Daughter as well. It seems she did not fit in well with her step mother. So Fred in another shocking choice sent his own flesh and blood away. But for me I was very grateful to have Barbara back in my arms safe and sound. I think the only reason he kept Barbara was that he needed her to take care of the boys. It might have been a lot to ask a new mom to take over a family. But I was not that shocked that he gave up on Barbara as well. I was hoping this would also happen with the boys. In the end the Boys had to go back to Fred. Once again another heartbreak thanks to Fred. But all this time I could not stop loving him. In 1945 once again the boys came for a visit, the highs and lows of seeing them come and go. Once again Fred was going to step on my heart all over again. Because that was the last time I would see my boys until they were almost men.

I don’t know what lessons were being taught to my boys by Fred. But somewhere something went horribly wrong. My oldest son Robert ended up getting himself into a real big bit of trouble with the law at an early age. It happened so many times that he landed himself in prison. Poor Grover I don’t think even he could have foreseen this happening. If he would have only sent my son to me, I wonder if I could have prevented the problems. Even in the end Fred gave up on him as well. Robert came to live with me until he found that my rules were a bit too hard for him and he left. His departure was not on good terms. But I never stopped loving him. I did not get to see Robert for many years. But by then it was too late, opps I am jumping ahead in my story. Mom and Dad Robins kept me well informed about what was going on with the boys once Fred stop sending them. But having that much distance between a parent and a child comes at a huge cost. I really did not know my sons and that once again was another broken heart. But I was still in love with this man, maybe it was the dream I was in love with, I really don’t know. In the end the damage was done to a point that it could not be fully repaired.

The 50’s and s60’s were not very good to me. I worked many jobs to keep my children feed and clothed even though some would get married during this time. But I felt like such a failure at one point my youngest needed to go live with another woman because I could make ends meet. I cried over this choice so much and I am so angry at Fred. If he would have only been faithful none of this would have happened. Looking back now I was very lucky that my little girl was placed with a good woman with a kind heart that understood. I tried several times to find a new person to share my life with. Each one falling short to what I thought was the perfect man, Fred when we were first married. Sadly each one of them could not live up to what I though he should’ve been. The last one took me for all I was worth and left me with nothing.

Oh I am so sorry I forgot a very important part of my story. In 1953 or 54ish I got to see my little boy Billy who was now a man. Again I had nothing to go off on who he was or what his life was like. Oh I was so upset, though I was a good and strong Texas woman I was not going to let it show. We reconnected just a bit but in the end it was not enough the damage was done. So much time was lost in fact a lifetime was lost. Though I will never forget his wonderful laughter and his eyes. Shortly after that he joined the Air Force then married with kids of his own. I only pray that he did a better job than his dad. Oh there I go again forgetting something important. I did get to meet two of his children Jody Lynn and Wendy Sue. I really don’t know why, what or how but he was never really all that close. I heard once that he had a third child but I never got see em’. I am proud of my little boy, I always have been.

1982 I fell ill so much so that it wiped my me out and stole what little time I had left. When in 1983 I was in the hospital because I could no longer care for myself. Low and behold one day in walked my long lost son Robert. Who I had not seen since his was a young man and left my home. Who was this man? What had my child become? I was so ill that I could no longer speak, oh how my heart broke that day but in a good way. Sometimes words do not need to be said to be understood. As I laid there in that bed holding my son in my arms the pain of years and errors made seemed to drift away with the tears that flowed from the two of us. When death came knocking I was surrounded by those who loved me. But I longed for my little boy Billy. I took one last breath and then I was gone into the peace of time forever. Still in love with Fred…….

*Well dad I hope you enjoyed this part of you story. I hope others can enjoy it as well.