Aleana's Journey

I have been watching a wonderful show called You can’t ask that <(Link). A week or so ago an episode was aired about Intersexed. I hear all the time people saying that there are only two genders. It really is a narrow point of view. A view that is mainly driven by those who are Religious or Personal dislike. Personal dislike I can really understand (I don’t agree with) at least these people do not refuse that science has proven there are more (well, some might). I am always confused by people who are willing to trust science in so many ways is right but not when it comes to Gender. We are seeing now that science and vaccines save lives (get your kids vaxed, don’t be a monster).

As I watched the episode about Intersexed (no I am not that I know of, really not worried about it). But there was a part about being alone growing up that hit me very hard. It is so sad and lonely that when you are so different that even those who are different in school think you are different. Think about what I just wrote, think about those who are the Nerds, Geeks, Disabled, Emo’s and this list goes on and on. Now they look at those who were and are LGBTIQA….+ and say we are “Different”. Now think what it is like to want to blend in but you can’t. This continues as an adult it never goes away, changes yes but never ends.

Even to this day I get looks and hear whispers. People so scared to just talk to me and get to know me. I am not the only one, those who are the Transgender and Intersexed get this all the time. It is not about sex or who we love. It is about just Being. Yeah we look different, we talk different, and we act different. But we still bleed red, we want only the best for our children (if we have some), we want to be loved, we still want to be a part of this world, and we still want to play an active role. But people need to learn that the world cannot keep picking and choosing what science to believe in. That a 3000-year-old book knows more than what our eyes tell us. Religions books do not tell us about computers, phones, cars, vaccines, planes, gravity, air, and so much more. But science did and does all the time. Now I am not saying you don’t have a right to you beliefs but it is time to grow up. Time to stop picking and choosing what science to believe in.

People are people, we all have a right to who we are. Yeah being different is wonderful, I am blessed. Now take the time and watch the videos on that link I gave you to a good show. Each video is not very long. It is time to learn and grow.

Are you 18 or older? Do you live in a place where you can vote? Then you need to do it! No excuses…

In the last ten years we have seen a huge slide downward in the world. God is not to blame but we are. By action of inaction we vote in Monsters without really thinking of what might happen if…

In the US you have a man who respects only people who think like he does and no one else. Even then he he treats those like used toilet paper. In Australia we have the Liberal party and a few speed bumps who sit in office. With a current leader no one voted for and is a hypocrite to a point it should shock anyone, but it doesn’t.

So in these two years we can make a change. VOTE, vote for what is right, vote for good people to lead us, and vote for those whom you can trust. If that means not voting for the lesser of two evils then DO IT! But VOTE!

Don’t let them win, VOTE!
please…

If you think that America is the land of the free look at all the people in that Jails and Prisons. Look at what they are doing to Manning. Today the US has once again shown that it has the biggest hard on for Julian Assange. He was arrested in London, I would love to now see a large media dump by Wikileaks. If you don’t think he knew this day would come you are a bit out of touch. It was only a matter of time before the US might forced the world to do what it wanted. I hear so many people say that China is a bad country. With horrible rules and acts of violence towards its own people. Yet they ignore what the US does on a daily basis. At some point you have to turn on you brain and do some fucking reading outside of the US and Rupert Media circus. The freedom that you think you have is only a veil that hides a monster that makes it look like a tissue.

Free
Julian Assange & Manning

A while ago I tried to look at creating a social enterprise that could help create change and understanding of others. But while my idea was very sound and logical in its approach. Finding the funding was not such an easy task.

I tell my children to fail and fail often. Fail so big that others see your failures. When you look at those failures, you will see a long list of Successes. You will also learn how not to do something. While my idea was ambitious it was also impracticable from a funding stand point. So instead of wasting all the efforts and building blocks that I have created for this idea. As I look back I see success and I see opportunities. I few weeks ago behind the scenes I started to change my approach to this failure. I am always being asked how are my projects going? As well as when is my next book going to be released. This placed a lot of pressure on me and at times I also viewed/created deadlines that were not needed. Beating myself up when I could not reach these deadlines.

In a way to adjust my approach to my talent I have re-purposed the www.human-roadshow.org site. As a way not to waste what I had designed and to also help me answer the question that is always being asked. I have now adjusted the site to be my publishing portal as I am a self publisher. This will have links to where you can purchase my books as well as another attempt to create a deadline for myself with a little less pressure. If you have some spare time hop over and take a look to keep up-to-date.

A few weeks ago I tried to have a discussion with Martine Delany about some legislation that her lobby group was pushing. I am not going to rehash that topic you can read the post on this site. But I have been thinking that some of these Agenda’s for the last of a better term don’t speak for me. Some in my eyes hurt the community that I am a part of. As a direct result they are hurting me and others that I care for. I have a friend to has a young child who is also Trans. I would hate to see any violence enter her life or the life of her beautiful family.

After my interaction with Martine, I have reflected on some feelings that I have had for some time. That removing my support for Tasmanian lobby called Transforming Tasmania does more hard than good. I am also a professional who is no longer willing to support their approach to change. As a member of the Human Library I have seen first hand that the gentle approach creates a more understanding change. I have seen it in the eyes of those to whom I talk with. I have also seen that living my life out in the open and remaining the kind person that I am affects others in the same way. I am a visible face at my children’s school and their Jiu-Jitsu lessons. I have always been a little scared of meeting new people. Not that I want to be I just am, it is that fear of the unknown. But I have been blessed with meeting so many wonderful people and opportunity to get to know them on a level of humanity and respect. This was done by being a good person and not by screaming that change must happen.

As it is said you will get more flies with Honey that Vinegar. Very true words of wisdom and I am going to keep doing what I am. To create real change and understanding about being Trans. But I am not going to be associated with Transforming Tasmania.

One of the hardest things about growing up Trans was the fact that I could not look at my own body. When I did it was not with the eye that said I was good looking, hansom, or even normal. I never saw that in the mirror. What I saw was an image of someone looking back at me but it was not right it just did not add up. In fact, I did not even have the words for what I was feeling inside as I did not have the vocabulary much less the support to understand.

It was a feeling of disconnection with what I saw. That disconnection grew to hate in time. Then apathy even an unwillingness to look in the mirror. As puberty started and progressed it became unbearable. I started to think that if I had just been born as a normal woman, my life would have felt connected to my body. I recall times where I would sit in my room and pray that I would wake up in the correct body. It was not an easy part in my life. There was also a lot of trauma that resulted in those feelings and having no one to talk with about it. Half of it was I was scared to death of more anger from my mother. I read a quote that say the child does not stop loving the abusive parent, they stop loving themselves. I would take it one step further that even the abused person with try and try to fix the broken to find approval of said abuser. It does not matter the age of the victim. We all want to be loved by a person we feel close to. Sadly when that abuse is there it is only one sided affection. That will still result in the same abuse that has always been.

Freedom comes at a cost and we must ask ourselves are we willing to pay that cost. Sometimes that cost is to high such is the case of a person that over looks the abuse. That cost could be anything that they link to the abuser. It does not even have to be factual. But someday that cost will have to be paid. I have had to pay that cost twice and I will never pay it again.

I know I said it was about growing up as Trans. But to be honest it is not always growing up as a child. Sometimes we have to grow up as an adult.

This Sunday was one that I hate to relive but it never seemed to stop. I started as one of those days when you wake up at 1 am and cannot fall back asleep. By the time 9 pm rolled around I was done with the day.

I lost a friend whom I should have been closer to but our lives did not walk the same road. But I respected him for all the trials and for his approach to life. He passed away… Why am I upset about his passing? We met at a place of higher learning. When I first met him he was such a kind and gentle person with such a soft and forgiving approach to life. He treated me with such open kindness and with a gentle approach I really felt cared for by him. It was still very early in my medical Transition at this point. I was a bit rough around the edges and he did not care. I was a human and I deserved respect. He did not judge me because I looked the way I did. I learned a lot from his kindness. He will be missed….

This week the reality of a close friend who is moving away. Was made clear with the sale of her home. She gave my family so much love and compassion throughout the years. Never once asking for anything in return. Her husband was one of my greatest friends and when he passed it blew away my composure around death and loss. In some ways it felt like a rip in my heart that could never be repaired.
Now I am losing the other side of that friendship to distance. Some friendships are forged in fire while some are forged in love. I would never like to think what life would have been like without this family in our lives. They gave so much to all of us in our family.

This week I hurt a friendship by making a mistake that I knew I was making but did not stop myself from making it. Before you think it was really bad, to me it was not. I offered a dinner party and needed to learn about this persons allergies. When I was with my Ex we used to have parties with friends or new people we wanted to get to know. I have always enjoyed these and it was something special that we did. I have done it a few times since. Inviting a few people who would have never met in any other way. I went full ahead steam on and was only thinking about getting it right in other words a bit to fast. I did not think I was taking this person out of their comfort zone. That my actions were also not comforting. Though reflecting on my errors I know what I did, but how did I let it happen? Sometimes we need to remember that even when a person is alone we tend to make mistakes that we would have never make any other time. That old wisdom of hold on loosely but don’t let go should have been in the forefront of my mind. But in reflection it was not, in fact what I did was so out of character for me. I was not even sure why I was walking the path I did. Maybe a lesson from the universe I think.
My error with this person was a wake up call to myself. I came to the understanding more about myself and being alone than I have ever before. I also learned about the need for the human connection in life. No matter how you might accept being alone, part of us does not want that. It drives us to the mistakes we sometimes make with others for that human connection. But isn’t that part of being human, we live, we make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. So like it was said let it go, if it comes back meant to be, if not, learn and understand that you were blessed to cross paths with that person even if it was only for a short time.

So where to from here Monday… A new day, a new week, and the first step forward. I will mourn the losses and look forward to the future.