Aleana's Journey

Here are are coming to the close of 2018. I am not 100% sure that I will be able to make another post this year as I am beyond busy. So I am going to take this few minutes to tell you in this holiday season. Be kind, Be forgiving, Be honest, Be loving, Be good to others, Pray for those who have less than you, Be active in working to help those who are not as blessed as you and in the end do these to yourself as well.

So I wish you all the best and thank you for your readership. Thank you to all those who keep buying my book and hanging out for the next one. I really did not think it would take this long to finish them. Have a wonderful holiday season ……..

Love ~Ally

What a strange and personal question to ask me. But hey I would rather you send me an email asking me like you did than pester some young kid. So lets get this going, by the way it is going to be a long answer.

Birth Defect?

Well it could be a possibility, but to be 100% there is not evidence to suggest that being Transgender is a Birth Defect. Though I have seen some people in the Trans community saying that the “problem” of having the wrong “parts” is a Birth Defect. But this does not really hold much sway in the professional circles. Plus the use of the word Defect means that it is Defective. I have children and I know that they are mine. So my equipment did work. Plus we see news reports of Transmen having babies.

Mother used Drugs or was given Drugs.

Well while my mum was not the greatest in the world. I do know that my mum had a normal gestational period without any issues that might cause concerns. Plus we have seen time and time again that babies born addicted. having links to social based issues and health based issues, not Gender based issues. Though I could be wrong….

Gender Dysphoria is a western world problem.

Well this is not 100% true, but true to some part. In the South Pacific island there are some that have a 3rd gender. There are also Tribes in the First nations of the America’s who also do not hold to the 2 gender stereotypes. Then we need to review the issues of the Norse who also had a non-standard “Gender” group. Time and time again history has been twisted by Christianity and the over zealous nature of those who in charge of it at different time periods. So without really digging into the histories to much it might be safer to say that without knowing where the white washing took place is to not point vague fingers.

Took drugs.

Well, you should really have a think about that one. In simple Baby boomers should been a less anal, lol. While I have smoked a few joints in the past I doubt that would have done it to me. Why because I knew the feelings of something was odd, before I found drugs. I was six years old when things started to not add up.

Mental Health Issue

Well in a way yes it is much like Dyslexia is. Both are issues of the brain where something is not lining up. Both have treatment plans to reduce the issues linked to the disorder. As for me I am doing HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which have calmed a lot of my issues but not all of them. We also need to see that it is a physical based issue and not a mental health one. Unless the environment that a Transperson is part of is creating one.

The three following links are resources that you can read up on that will help you start to understand the Brain structures and being Transgender. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/05/180524112351.htm https://www.medicaldaily.com/transgender-peoples-brain-structures-are-different-cisgender-folks-study-423107
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4987404/

I believe if my memory servers me correctly that the last study was a blind study done on several cadavers. That included Trans and Cis individuals.

Next we need to address the confusion of Body Dysmorphia & Gender Dysphoria and the dichotomy that exists. I am including a couple of links that will help you better under the differences.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/8-things-you-should-know-about-body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/expert-q-and-a

Also we as a society as a whole need to stop picking and choosing the science which we believe in. BTW science does not care if you believe in it. A fact is a fact, the earth is round, gravity works, vaccines save lives, and the science behind Gender is solid. The only reasons people argue otherwise is personal dislike or religious.

Conclusion

I hope this answers a few ideas on why I am Transgender. Don’t worry even I am still trying to understand everything about being Transgender. I have spent several hours and looking at countless resources. Just to understand the question of Why am I Transgender. Hope this answers your question.

Sometimes it is sad when you are forced to drop a anvil to make a point. But the answers sometimes are what you expect and it reaffirms what you thought all along. So what do you do now? Sometimes nothing, sometimes there is nothing you can do. It is hard when it is a friend, lover, or family. But those feelings are the truth of your concerns or emotions. When you cross that bridge it can be okay to look back as you strike the match that burns it down. Leave the footings if that person tries to make a new bridge. There is nothing wrong in the good foundations only the choices that were made later. No one says that you have to allow that bridge to reach your side of the chasm that once was a crack. Sometimes we have to accept that some gaps cannot be crossed. 

Learn to say goodbye and learn to mourn the loss. But do not learn to be consumed by that loss no matter who they were. You are you and only you can chose to make something better of who you are. So learn to be kind to you while being critical of your flaws. It will not be to painful to fix those flaws. But in the end you will be your own masterpiece. Be the you that little child once wanted to be, be your own captain. In the end just be the masterpiece you that only you can be. 

Have a hammer and chisel of a day.
~Ally 

Divorce is not a Tragedy. A Tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage,
teaching your children the wrong things about love [sic]. -Jennifer Weiner

I looked at that and thought holy cow. It is so close to being right it is scary. The things I keep coming back to is a few facts. Most of them don’t have anything to do with the other person. But I won’t pull any punches. In the end there was no love at all it was more or less gone. What it was, was co-dependency for both of us. We were not teaching great values to our children.  We were not teaching them how to love another person. What was being taught hatred and animosity. The teachers were the parents. Which in the end both of us should hang our heads. 

But since we left so many things have become clear. Some of that being is the real facts of the difference in parenting styles. While both of us are not perfect by any means there is a stark difference in the styles. I am a more hands on and encouraging styled parent. I really have to be on my death bed to not be at my children’s school. Even when it is the other parents week. I make sure that the kids know that I love them and I am there for them. When it comes to the other parent, i don’t care anymore. It is not that I hate the other person as that is something I could never do. We had some great years, there was a lot of fun mixed in with a touch of deep sadness. Losing a child can really mess a family up. That added in with a bunch of other things. We left, packed up late at night and made the choice to leave. There were tears and sadness as we drove away. But that is something all will feel when a choice is made like divorce.

The loss of the marriage is sad and we both played our part. But since that night when we left life has changed for us. Remember the only thing constant is change, so expect it and you won’t be surprised by it. I look at all three of my youngest children and how happy they are when they are at my home. I even have rules that when they are at my home it is us, the other parent does not need to be talked about. I do this for a number of reasons. I am happy now, I am teaching my children the real meaning of love, caring, charity, friendship and the importance of a good education. Being honest that would have never happened in the other house if we would have stayed. Bring the other parent into our home here could open old wounds. No one needs that. Even when they get calls by the other parent I don’t listen. I don’t want it or need that person in my life.

No one is ever saying that you have to be friends with your ex. But if you have that thought “Would I be better off without you?” or “I wish you would die” asking that question is the answer you are looking for. Maybe it is time to review what is going on in your relationship. I remember driving down the road chasing the Ambulance as my ex partner was bleeding out in it. I thought dear god please don’t let her die. About a year later I was driving home from town and I thought to myself “I wish you would have died”. I pulled the car over and cried. I was shocked at that thought running through my mind. I had never thought like that before. I was ashamed of myself. But I did not know how to fix what had become for truly broken nor did I know if I wanted it to be fixed. So I started just trying to survive. But like that quote says there was the Tragedy. I gave up…. it was not for a few years later that we made the choice to leave. 

So, I guess what I am saying is if you are at that point, change can be scary. But so is that monster that creates your thoughts of “I wish you would die”. Life gets better, SO much better when that burden is off your shoulders. Yeah there will be lonely times and that sucks. But don’t go running after a new partner for just a Root. Find out who you are as each relationship will change you. If you can’t be honest with yourself afterwards you might repeat what you were just in. 

Well there are some deep thoughts for the day, lol.

Let me ask you a simple question. If you are not part of the LGBT+ communities and have chosen to read my site or have been suggested to read it. Maybe you just stumble upon it. I have seen over the last few years the issue that some many people and leaders having issues with Transgender. 

So here is my simple question …

Why? Why do you have such a problem with those who are Transgender? 3000+ years ago a book became popular and faiths of all sorts and sizes have risen and fallen in the regards to this book. Believers of this book tend to pick and choose why they feel was the overall sense of purpose for it. While ignoring the spirit of the book. Since the creation of this book. We have seen science proven a few amazing things about being on this planet. Lets start with a very simple one it is not FLAT, nor does the universe revolve around it. That when you toss something up it does come back down at a certain speed. Then later we saw the rule that every action has an equal or opposite reaction. Then we started to see that wonderful things called Immunization & Antibiotics. Which has proven to work and that as well was given to us by science. But did you know that 3000+ year old book was written by science as well.

Now in recent years we have seen science working hard to answer the questions about sexual attraction and gender identity. But those who are supporters if the Books that talk about a God. Rebel in accepting that the science that has been proven several times over that being Gay is normal. Being Transgender is a physical based issue in the brain as it matches those of the Gender that the person identifies as. 

SO, Why? When do you have plans to jump off the side of the world? Or of you have an infection not go see the doctor? Would you stop driving? Would you stop using powered devices? Powered tools? Telephones? Electric power? Or here is a crazy thought placing a bag on your head and going out in the wilderness to find food? You would also have to give up reading and writing… You wouldn’t do any of those would you because that would be crazy and could kill you. 

SO, Why? Why do we pick and choose what science to believe in when it has become fact? Those books you are reading about your gods never tell you to abandon science (well most of them). But the books you are reading you are picking and choosing the parts that you believe in. Do you think that your God meant for you to do that? Yes I understand that there are certain belief structures that claim their leader talks to God. Yet that God they claim to be talking to says something different to another person who claims to be talking to him. Yet both of you claim that your book and structures are the one and only true one. But did you ever think that your God might not be happy with you because of your hate for one of his creations?

Do you see what I just did there. If everything is normal to be born like this than your God meant it to be this way. So, science and beliefs can walk hand and hand when you don’t pick and choose what you are believing in. Because science does not care what is fact is fact. If you try to walk off the earth you won’t find it and God would tell you to stop wasting your time. All I am asking is that you stop and think before wasting your time in hating someone who is LGBT+ and it has no impact on your life. Because hate has no place in Science or in a belief structure that says “love thy neighbour [sic]”. So, why?

Have a good day…

Oh the bane of writing with Word. But you make do with what you have. I was working on a couple of my books and one of them that I put in over 20,000 words and saved it to a jump drive and I did not copy that on to my hard drive and secure cloud. Then the power went out, I thought as I got up that’s okay I had autosave going and I have just told it to manual save as well. But something happened and when the power was back on the document was gone. I have looked and looked for it. GONE

Oh I was very upset as most of what I write is on the fly. But this time I was able to make notes that I was putting on Word. So I am just looking at maybe 5,000 lost words as well as 11 hours.

I also have been so busy working on a book that I have at the Copyright stage so I can talk about it.

This is a book that I and a few others have been pouring a bucket load of hours into. Last week I did over 100 hours and I had a battle with Word over using it to create one 2 page part of it. That took over 44 hours and 4 revisions. Blight is a work of love and role playing games. To which I have enjoyed for close to 30 years. Sounds crazy to be writing a game but why not I have an idea and a crap load of notes. It all started with another friend trying to build his and he ran out of steam. He offered all his notes and a materials, so I said yes! Now I am knee deep in hard work and effort to finish this project.

I am hoping to have this ready to look at crowd funding soon as once we have the main book done I feel that would show those willing to invest in it that it is worth their money. I would say that the bulk of the rule system is about 75% done. A bit more expanding some of the features of the project and away we go to stage 2. We are currently testing the system with two different groups. The feedback has been amazing. I have also gain a few really good testers who love to break the system and are invested in seeing it become a success.

The book “The Choice” is with the test readers……still, Argh lol

The book “Leaves” is under going a third rewrite……As some of the context needs a bit of a rethink.

The book “Cooking to Connect” is stalled due to other projects

The book “What the doctors did not tell me” is still in concept stage. In other words I have the title and the idea, lol.

Well that is the latest update as exciting as it is.

Yesterday a friend lost his battle…….

So, in memory of my friend I want to talk about what my depression looks like.

I was six years old when things start not to feel right about looking at my body. It did not add up, I shrugged it off at times. I was about 10 when those feelings started to really cause problems. I started to hate what I saw in the mirror in, fact it did not get better until I started taking hormones. But that is a different issue. I was 12 the first time I told someone about what was going on and it did not go well. As a result I recoiled and started a path of being anti-social and that about 6 to 7 years later resulted me in starting to take drugs and drink. I really did not know or understand why I kept feeling so much chaos in my life.

I never thought I would ever meet a person who would take advantage of a persons depression. But I did and I suffered a bit at the hands of that person. But once again not knowing what was really going on with my own issues. My Dysphoria was going crazy about the time of the birth of my son Gabriel. So I was seeing a friend who suggested that I talk to a doctor about all that was going on. So i did and for about 3 years I was on anti-depressants. I was okay with that they calmed some of my hatred from my body. But like I said I had this person in my life that started to play mind games. At one point telling me that the Anti-depressants weren’t working and I needed to stop. I trusted this person so I stopped taking them. But then all the problems with my Gender Dysphoria came rushing back in but this time 10x worse than what they were with the pills. I also started to withdraw from friends and family as well. But then this person took another step and started telling me that the person I was seeing was not doing a good job and I needed to stop seeing her. Red flags should have shot up but I was so messed up as I was just a huge pile of emotions and no one to talk it out with. So I thought I could confide in this person who was telling me everything else was bad. That information was also being used against me.

It was at this point in my life that the crying for hours on end returned. The last time I felt that bad about myself was when I was about 14. At the height of the abuse by my mother. It was also at that very same time when my dad was away that my mother was taking me to see the Bishop and I had to have regular appointments (but I am not really ready to talk about that issue). Needless to say back then I was in hell and now I was going through it as an adult. I was also in a job that I liked. Even though there were a lot of workplace problem 90% of the staff were amazing and I still count them as great people and love to see them from time to time. But I was told that I needed to make more money and that I was not good enough. The stresses at work were not helping as well. Which I sank even lower. If it would not have been for a close friend things could have been much worse. We left…..

But my depression is not one where I cry without end anymore, since I cut that person out of my life. That really is one of the worst feelings in the world when you can’t stop crying and you don’t even know why you are crying in the first place. But I still have some of those feelings that pop up from time to time. But now I have ways of dealing with those issues and I got those skills from the person I used to talk to in the first place. Sometimes the pain of getting rid of those who are causing problems in your life is better than the pain of keeping them. There are the times where I still need to just close the doors and climb back in bed and get more sleep. Those are the hard times that really mess with me. Where I stop talking and I sleep it off. In about 8 hours I come right and I then go do something with a friend and have a chat over a cuppa. Then I center myself and come back to solid ground. Does not happen often anymore that is a wonderful feeling. But you need to get the tools and learn how to listen to your body.

Last year I started talking openly about my depression with others and even my children. I started to let everyone know what it was like and sometimes I just need a hug and a cuppa to keep going. I get by with a little help from my friends and my kids are wonderful as well. When my youngest Daughter slipped into a mental health issue of her own. We got the right help and we are able to talk it out and we have this wonderful bond. She comes to me as a person who she loves and trusts. But she also talks about her issues very candidly. The tools are out there and active use of them combined with talking it out. The more I think if we understand depression and how people deal with it the more we can save lives.

I have lost three friends in 10 years who have taken their lives from depression. Two of them I never knew had issues because they did not talk openly. So here I am talking openly making sure people know it is okay to talk about it. Yeah Hormones have been a huge help in my depression battles. While this might not be a solution for everyone the first starting point is talking it out. I will miss my friend…. don’t make me miss you as well.