I was sitting (more like laying in my bed) here today having a bit of “down time”. I was feeling a bit empty the main reason being that I felt alone. I saw this very attractive person today. I felt so alone that when I came home it just hurt. I started to think was I to hard on people in my life. I call this checking my six. As I started to review I had this idea to look at dating sights. Then once more it hit me I am Trans. So why even try….

I made an open letter a while back to a certain couple of people and one of them took the time to write me. I have been thinking about how I should address that person. Because in that response I was told I was forgiven. Though I never asked for it or even thought I needed it. I thought to myself am I being too hard on this person? I really have been looking at my response from so many angles it is a bit mind numbing. I try to take my time when things are very important. I felt that what I needed to say I have tried several times to say but it is just not reaching the level of the desired outcome. But then I also know that you can lead the horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Yeah I know writing about what took place might not have been the kindest thing to have done. But I was pissed that what took place was done so with no remorse and it hurt deeply. I have said like I am now the family member no one really wants. But that is okay (not really) I have four children here in Australia who love me. Though everyone else has left me. I found it even more disparaging that instead of talking out why I feel the way I do. They would rather talk to a person who has more issues with being dishonest than Bump-a-Trump (well, no one is really worse than him). But I relax and think fools and their money are quickly separated.

I have seen and read stories about families falling apart after a person like me says Surprise! There is always a common theme that is littered in them. That is Personal dislike or Religious beliefs. Personal dislike can sometimes be overcome with time and education. But there are the few who are so set that they are unwilling to change. Then we have those who are using the excuse of Religious beliefs to hide their bigotry. The reason I use the word Bigotry is due to the issue that they actively push their disdain for that person. We have all seen the videos of kids being kicked out of home for being LGBT. There was one where the young man was beaten savagely.

I have been out of the US for about 16+ years. In that time I have never seen a video or read a story like that here in Australia. Not to say that it does not happen but I have not seen it (please don’t flood me with examples). While I have read and seen so many of the same things happen over and over again in the US. I really can’t see an excuse for the actions of families attacking another member for being LGBT. I am still confused about how it happened in my family. My father served so many years in the US AirForce and we were always taught to respect others. What I did not think that it was conditional to anything but those of the LGBT+ communities. It was really difficult to see that change in my family and deeply saddening. I am very thankful that my four children here in Australia are wonderful and kind people.

But I do worry about them having interactions with those other family members. I view it more to the idea of one bad apple can spoil the bunch. It is like that you would not allow your children to hang out with those who are bad influences. Just in case some of it rubbed off on your child. I really don’t want my children growing up to be like that. I would rather my children to remain kind and considerate to others feelings. None of my children identify as LGBT+ and that is beautiful because they don’t care that some of my friends are. Recently a friend of mine had a baby. Her and her partner as so happy. Niamh saw a photo of the family and made a comment that they sure looked happy and full of love. She did ask who was the wife…I had to tell her both were and she just smiled and said: “oops duh I should have that about that before I asked”.

LoL, I did have a point to this but I lost it somewhere in the writing. Hmm… Yup gone now, lol. How about we just call this thinking out loud. Because the point I was trying to make is all gone.


Day 3

Well the good news first…

I did not kill anyone, yet. But I have done the smart thing and have chosen not to be around people. I know that is cheating but I know myself without Caffeine. But the Mint water has been helping. It is nice to be able to not worry about the cravings yesterday. There is still a Chocolate bar sitting in the fridge. So I am proud of myself on that. Does not hurt that I am not a fan of Chocolate. To many people, 3 days is not much. Every day I am proud of what I am doing towards my goal.

But I have not added the stress levels yet. That will happen on Monday when I have to be in the same room with Ex. Who has a very hard time in telling the truth. Even so much that my Attorney said WTF. Then the kids start school soon. I am a bit nervous for Gabriel he is starting High School. While many might say that is not to bad. I did not have a good experience at it. In fact it was one of the lowest points in my life. Looking back we all have those but to see our children stepping into that environment is a whole other experience. Mind you my oldest Daughter made it through it (I am so proud of her). But this time is very different, you have me as a Transwoman. So we will see what the outcome is I might have to take the time and go in and speak at the school. Which is fine I have done it a few times.

I just now started getting cramps again. It could be from several different reasons. Possible that I have not had lunch yet. I think I might make a soup for dinner tonight. Split pea and ham sounds healthy and yummy at the same time, lol. Well I also need to get back to working on the books.

Have a great day everyone.

Day 2 OUCH!

Well I was hoping that I would not feel this pain until at least day 4. But it is proof my luck is not always on my side, lol. I knew it was coming but I did not think it would be this soon. I was ready for it as I planned I had a box of pain relief so at 3 am when it said Hellooo. I was up and the sharp pain was from my eyes to the back of my head. Grab the pain relief and a shower. Yup a shower as I was also having a allergy attack at the same time. I knew standing was not smart in case I fell over so I sat down and let the water drift over me. As the water began to go cold I crawled out in so much pain.

Made my way to my bed and collapsed in a heap of a Towel and human below it. I woke back up at 11:30 a and here I am at my desk with the hang over of a head ache from hell. Still a bit dizzy and cloudy in thoughts.

Last night I also had huge Sugar cravings that were helped by drinking mint herbal tea with nothing added. I just filled my water bottle and placed a tea bag with it. I have not had the energy to aerobics at all yesterday. I don’t think I will as well today as there is very little chance I am going to turn on the music.

Btw if you did not know I am very dyslexic. I am now starting to use Grammarly to help me out and see if this makes my ramblings a bit easier to read. we will have to see. I thought I should just go back and review past posts to see how far I have come in my writings. But I have a few deadlines that I need to keep.

Well, have a wonderful day and if something that sparks my interest I will post later if need be. Now it is back to work, ❤

Day 1 ugh

Early to bed last night thought about a bowl of ice cream. Yeah needed sleep to stay away. So as it is said early to bed early to rise. Up at 5:30 am. Okay that is not so bad grab water and start drinking. No coffee or Tea (orange tea with a bit of honey) both help me wake up. So now the eagle eye begins looking at the labels of everything I eat to make sure no sugar added. BTW I am not silly enough to go for Fruit Drinks. I will avoid those as well. Bad day though woke up with cramps. I know it will be about day 3 when the no Coke detox will start in and I might get a little short with others.

I have forewarned the kids that I am doing 30 days no sugar. Gosh, my kids are great they have told me that they are proud of me and will help me. Yeah, they will help because I was not able to eat all of the chocolate bar in the fridge. So that will make their day when they get home. I don’t know what to think about this yet. I am a tad bit scared, to be honest about it all. I have never gone without sugar for long periods of time. I have tried but fail at day 4-7. But I have cut out Coke for 6 months to a year. So I know I can do that. I have panadol to help this time.

I will also up the exercise to help burn more fat and keep me busy. I have been given a dead line to finish a part of my current project that I am teamed up with others. That dead line is on the 1st of Feb. That is not that hard to meet but I will work more to keep my mind busy. When the kids get home we are going to go walking short distances to help as well.

I am tracking my weight but I am not going to tell people about it until I reach 30 days. If I can make 30 days I will see if I can make 60. Make a goal with a second one as well.

Have a nice day everyone

One more thing

Well shit, this came in my news feed today from a friend. It is a bit of a read but I would like you to please take the time and read it.

I wrote a post last year begging people who are Transgender to get the fuck out of the US. I am once again saying the same damn thing. Get Out! Do it as soon as you can. There are countries that will take asylum seekers. Yes, you can seek asylum look towards Canada. They are far safer than that of the US. Sweden of all places is safer, Australia is safer, Japan is safer and New Zealand is safer. It took six days for the first Transperson to be killed in the US. Six days, did the mainstream media report this? Hell no!

Please don’t be another number on that list.

If you are outside of the US, DO NOT GO THERE. You are not welcome or safe. Don’t let people try to tell you that it is okay. Let me ask you this are you willing to risk it? I was born in the US and I am not going to risk going back there even for a visit. That says a lot, mind you I really don’t have a reason to visit. Unless it is Disneyland again, yeah……no. The Goldcoast can do the same thing and it is safe there. Look I am not saying that where I live if perfect, but I don’t have to worry about being killed or attacked for using a restroom to pee. There is no nut job in the main role trying to convince people I am a perv, oh fuck the PM is Scott Morrison. Still, he is a toothless dog and will not be in his job much longer. The right wing here while is still trying to be like the US (vomit) is not as powerful as most of Australia is not religious nutters trying to force people into thinking a certain way, oops Scomo…..the pm (ha ha).

Please I really do mean it get to somewhere safe the writing has been on the walls for years now. If you think it is going to get better think again. What is becoming of the US is clear. I for one disagree with the story and think that women who have been elected this past year will not be able to stop the slide, to much has changed.

Whatever you choose to do please be safe. This was just a voice of warning, again.

30 days to a change

Well if many people who know me have known. I have struggled with my weight for almost most of my life. It has never been a smooth sailing one year it might be up and the next way down this by no action of my own. I am healthy or at least the doctors say. So I still don’t know why. I am not the only one in my direct family that has had weight issues. My mum was not a healthy person in her eating and that lead to her issues. My dad well mini Chocolate doughnuts and 32 oz drinks (Aussies, these are really big drinks) are his treats.

One of my goals is to cut some weight this 2019 and get ready for Surgery. So how do I plan on doing this? Well, I am going to once again try to cut out added sugar. I will be starting this on 15/1/2019. Heaven help me, this is going to be a battle.

What I am also going to do it is add a post everyday about how it is going and what it is doing to my body. By forcing myself to blog about it I hope I will be able to beat the need for cheats. I am not really looking forward to this challenge. But I need change and if you want something bad enough you will find a way to do it.

So today being the 14th I am going to enjoy my last bit of chocolate that has been in the fridge for sometime. I might even get a Coke and drink it ice cold (Coke is the Bane to my Batman). Water and I have a love hate relationship it loves me but I hate the taste of nothing. Lemon helps but I don’t have a tree in the back yard to get some. Plus I hate giving the stores money from something like a lemon. So as when Tuesday starts I will be able to proceed on the challenge.

Keep me in your thoughts please I am going to need it.