This is something I have been working over a few days just to compare beliefs. This was due in large part as a result of the policy from the Mormon Church which has laid a heavy weight on my shoulders. This does not mean that my issues with the church are linked one and the same to members in the wards that I have been in as I can say most of the members are Great and honest people for the most part. To bad that policy broke my shelf. *if you are having issues viewing this zoom in and out it will fix*
I know it is a work in progress and many might not get my train of thought on this issue but I am hoping to greatly expand on this project as time goes on. It might and i mean might expand into its own page at some point. I know what I am looking for I just have not found it yet.
Though this does beg the point what if I never find it at all? What if in all of my searches i miss it? What if through all of my searches I end up being the wrong person?
First I would like to point out “What if’s” suck if you lived your life by that reason no one would have ever done anything. To me it is better to say “What Happens”
I am finding that my Transition is leading me in to places I never thought I would be. I am finding out more and more about others that used to be a big part of my life.
An issue has risen again and i am going to point my finger at it. If you are in Transition CLOTHES don’t make the person…. I know someone is reading this and I want that person to get that point. If that was the case all women would still be wearing DRESSES and have LONG HAIR. Your logic is very flawed and well that kind of thinking is flawed as well and filled with bigoted hatred.
Well the kids are away visiting there mum. I woke with the sense of sadness that made no real sense. But I chalked it up to hormones crawled out of bed hung the laundry. Dusted myself off listened to the birds outside. Found some blessings that were on a shelf dusted them off gave thanks for them. Placed them back on the dusted shelf.
I have been coming to better terms with being Trans. I am showing my wonderful children that it is better to be true to ones self then fight away never getting anything really done.
I have come to an idea where once upon a time I asked my ex-to-be to work with me on writing a book. Why not start it on my blog on another page? It would be fun and if someone had tips I could use their help I have a great story line just need to fill it out.
Who knows what will become of it might be nothing might be something my kids might read someday and say wow that was a why it went no where….LOL
There is an old wise tale that says Let Sleeping Dags Lie……
I have tried to take the high road on many things in my life in so much as others have taken it as a weakness and tried stepping on me…..
I have been nice as I could be…. That has ended, now I will let him do what he does best……
On a second note I am going to be a listening ear for any other Transyouth who is LDS and might need someone to talk to.
Since I need to do something next year as we have to wait until January to kick someones arse in Magistrates court for doing something that they should not have. I am thinking I am going to be looking at school again thanks for forcing my hand in this direction. Maybe I should look into Social Work……Not like I did not help someone for a number of years and proof reading stuff that damn near made me fall asleep, lol.
Ok in all serious life is going great this week I have been feeling and seeing a few new changes in my body. it is just a little exciting to say the least. I have been working on my Backyard tiding it up for summer I will post before and after photos as soon as I am done. There is not going to be any photos while I am doing it as I use most of my energy to work on it, photos be damned right now, lol.
On a side note while I not overly please with everything in life, it is getting better. I have looked back over the last year and it have been like a deep breath when having an asthma attack painful at first as the meds go in but then slowly you can breathe. Then once it is all over you get the shakes and filled with energy.
I look at what is going on with all of the LDS people who have chosen to leave the church over the last two weeks due to what I wrote about. My heart is stilled filled with sadness over all the loss of hope and the pain caused by the church towards a community that is worldwide. I just keep thinking that this is not what our Father wanted for his children. While I understand that they are trying to avoid issues like “dad and dad or mum and mum live together and then church says it is a sin” Causing so much confusion in children which in itself is not fair to them. Then I am concerned that for making a stand like this they are making themselves to be an exclusive group….. At what point do they think a child will join a church that is not willing to accept the whole family is a place for them. Yes, gay families are not the normal, but it does not mean that they are not able, capable, willing and filled with unconditional love. To me that is the type of love children need to see and feel. Hell how many divorces are going on in the strait world. Where parents use the children as spies and weapons on the other parent. Tell me how is that good for the children? The church needs to look at itself and see that while it is pointing a finger at others three are pointing back. I don’t care who you love, just love the children!
Thanks to my dad a long time ago placing a spark in my soul. You see one day I was feeling sorry for myself thinking shit my life sucks big time. From out of the blue the crazy old man said to me “When you think all is hopeless and every one is out to get you, when you feel sorry for the way your life is. Stop! look at you self deep down inside is a spark and that is all it takes to make a flame, go light a fire it is up to you”. This was one of the times when it seemed that my dad finally got me. What he said was so out of the blue, it really was not like him.
I would like to add to his “Spark” story. When you can’t find beauty, when the spark is all that is left, Don’t Stop! Don’t give up! Make the beauty that you need and so deeply want. Beautify something! Help someone! Do something that you have never done to help someone!
Your Special – There is no one just like you – thanks HoJo
TodayI was talking with someone who felt I was angry over something. So I did what I normally do I checked my 6. I talked to a good friend “myself” then I talked to another good friend “she knows who she is”. So after checking my 6, here is my complete and wonderful answer (***warning*** I have an answer for everything, i don’t promise you will like it).
Angry: In a round about way, i am. I aloud myself to be fooled, robbed and ridiculed. Time was wasted on foolish ideals and I listen to the wrong people for a long time.
Blessed: I am so blessed, I expressed the truest nature of my blessings on October the 31st in a room filled with my closest friends who could make it. In the last 6 months I have seen some amazing acts of kindness from those who did not have to. In the last six months I have been filled with the love of going back to church and being with some of those loved ones. In the last six months I have reconnected with some friends who for one reason or another were placed on the back burner for reasons left to die. In the last six months I have learned that there is a god and my prayers are heard and answered. I have reconnected with two of my older three children and I am blessed every time I talk to them. I have a wonderful legal team! Thanks Grant Tucker! I talk to my oldest Nephew, who is a Hero in my eyes. All of my children are safe (all 7). My three youngest live with me in our home safe and sound.
Sadness: I read with horror that my good friend lost his wife. A profound sadness washed over me, then it was replaced by a wonderful happiness that she was my friend and cared for my family. A read an new story that the church supported did something I have not supported and it saddens me to think of those who will be affected. My marriage ended in a horrific way, best to let that reason die as well.
Confusion: After 13 years of a choice I am learning once again how to be me. I am learning that I can love myself even though I am a Trans (gosh that is cool when you say it) that I am a Transwoman that is beautiful when said. Do I know all about being a woman? nope do I know what it is like to be a woman? Nope. Do I iknow what it is like to be a man? Nope. Simple I am Trans each day is my day something new to enjoy and learn about.
Happy: My three youngest live with me in our home safe and sound. Our home is filled with love. Our home is beautiful. My parents are doing the best they can and are alive. My parents saw the truth over lies and have once again rebuilt what was an attempt to destroy. I have great friends who care for me and my children. My great friends don’t care I am Trans. My oldest son is thinking of visiting me soon! 5 out of 7 of my children don’t care I am Trans. I can hold my head high and say I did a good job taking care of someone who did not care. I am alive, I am free, I am a hero to my children, I am Trans, I am walking in a country that cares for me, I AM………
Relieved: A plot failed, a judge saw the truth, a police officer believed, my three youngest children reside in our home, I can cook for friends, I can smile at the darkness is gone.
Transition: Its going well.
Overview:
All in all I have checked my 6. I think I am doing very well. To me I am a well rounded human being. Filled with more blessings then I can write. Enjoying a lot of what life has to offer, FREEDOM. I wake everyday looking breathing learning loving in short I am one happy mother (insert bad language here and smile). I am so blessed! Beat that you doom seekers, you can’t cause it is MINE all Mine.
Today I reviewed what has been going on since the 6th of November with the Church that I grew up in. I placed in my last post on a page that had also seen a lot of people who are struggling as well with what had been done.
“Then Explain me then? Where does this policy leave me? I’m not gay, I’m trans i sit in the middle of something that is nothing but chaos. I can’t marry a man cause I was born a man, right? I can’t marry a woman cause I am a woman. Whats going on??? I feel for those who are intersexed…. What Chaos that is with the church in mind… Born with both, well yours gender was assigned at birth (um no it was not)? This policy is confusing to say the least….”
On both sides of the policy we are to live with out the love of another……
I feel something is at a loss here. There once was a story about “they came for ??? and I did nothing” Think of it this way.
First they spoke against Sex before marriage
So I obeyed….
Then they said blacks could not have the priesthood or go to the Temple
I was not black, so I obeyed….
Then blacks were equal as the rest, I rejoiced….
Then they said being gay was a sin…..
I was not gay, so i obeyed…..
Then they said it was not a sin to be gay, just to act upon it
I was not gay, so i obeyed….
Today they say children of the gay are not equal as the strait. That they should not have the same rights as children from strait families. That this is to protect them….
I am a parent, my children are not gay, I am not gay. I am trans you have not addressed this, but now I fear the day that you will.
Dear earthly men,
I followed you from the day I was baptized. I defended the choices that you said were made with council of god. I questioned then but stood by your choices that in time it would all make sense. On November the 6th 2015, I stopped…….
I feel that you have taken a path that no longer protects the children that our father has placed in your care by the creation of this policy. You have placed Murder above a person who loves another of the same gender. You have placed a policy that Bullies the children of these parents. You have placed the actions of Gay marriage as a greater sin then those of a Murderer. To me you have set a course that has provided extremists to Justify their actions in destroying the hearts of the children.
I fear for the lives of the children that will take there own lives because of the extremists. How will your policy be defended with the bloody of children on your hands. Yes, you did not do it yourself but you gave the extremist a tool that will be used to do so. Your policy has also placed a minority who is not Gay, who did not have a choice but were given both genders. At your horrific policy because someone Will use it against them. You have given bullies the right to abuse children of these unions power.
Think, pray before it is to late and your hands are awash with the blood of the children….. All Children are equal in the eyes of God.
This will be the last I will say of this because it is now in your hands to right the wrong…….
Well keeping my word I have listened and now I am faced with a huge amount of questions, some that will define the future that the church plays in the role of my Family. From that choice i will need to make sure that at the time when I stand before my maker that I can hold my head held high and be proud of who i am. Though I don’t feel that I will be standing alone in the area of needing to make this choice.
As I have stated before I am a Transwoman, I have been all my life. I am Educated, I am well versed in the standard works. I have a Testimony about what I have seen and what I have read.
I have made a promise that I must keep but it does place me in a hard choice and an even harder place to defend a church which has loved me for who I am. I am very thankful for what has happened in my life. I am very thankful for the blessings of the last 6 months.
I was asked today in an LDS facebook group….
“What decision is there, Aleana Robins? Why in the world would you ever stay connected at all? If you stay you’re sending a message to your kids that says you allow people to kick you in the head.”
This was my reply…..
I don’t tell it often so please read with care and understanding. I had just married my wife in the Temple and moved everything I had to Australia, based on answers from prayers. No more than 1 and 1/2 months in Australia I was bitten by a White point spider. Within 24 hours I was dying my blood was turned to brown muck and I was told that they were going to have to cut me open to save my life though there was a 50/50 chance I was going to die. Then if I did live I had a 75% of losing my left arm. I laid there dying and saying a prayer “dear father in heaven I am not ready to die please save me” It was short and simple. No sooner than I ended my prayer I told my wife they must get me a blessing before I will be cut open. Within minutes and no one calling them these two elders One from Idaho elder Steele and another from NZ elder Terikie. Walked in to the hospital. I saw something that to this day I will never doubt I will never recant I saw someone standing behind these youngmen guiding them to my bedside. I felt a overwhelming peace fill the room that I was in and I was at peace. I woke hours later tubes hanging off of me in all directions. 4 fans blowing on me to keep my temperature at 40. I could feel that my left hip was wet but was not able to move. A nurse came in and greeted me and took the pillow from under my left arm that had tubes draining the poison from my body.It was soaked. I healed and got to talk to the two elders and asked them who told them I was dying. With strait faces they said “no one, we felt like we had to come here (fifth floor at the other end of a hospital).We talked and when we were done I knew they were telling the truth. This is why….. This is only part of why I am who I am and why I know…….My children live with me after we left an abusive marriage. We made it out thanks to a strange event one night. But I will not talk ill of the other party. We got to a safe house, then to a house where we live now. The court protected the children and I. I am a Transwoman who my 3 children live with me, do the odds. It does not happen often. This is why……. My faith is in God, my Faith is in what Joseph Smith did and built. My faith is in the BOM and the Bible. Men are flawed, they error. But I forgive I look past those flaws I find what is true, I grab it hold it care for it. I thank him for all I have. That is why…. I am no ones fool, I know what I saw. That is why……. Until something better comes I will stay. I don’t have the ability to go to the Temple, i’m trans. I don’t have the ability to hold any callings, I’m trans. I’m not a member, i’m trans. My children are not me. They need to learn for themselves what is true and what is not and they can only make that choice and no matter what I will support them. We have to start somewhere.
I am putting this out there for others to see only because it is part of me. I’m not here to pass judgement for you. You must make your own choice.
In the past I have refused to enter into conversations about my beliefs. But in the last 24 hours something came to light that causes concern within the LDS community and those with children, loved ones or friends who are LGBTI.
Well I grasp why and what was done. Though it fly’s in the face of many and I do mean many of previous of core doctrine. Some that we have been since the start of the church. Some that have been since to time of Christ.
AOF 2 is clearly being broke by punishment being placed on the children for something that they did not choose (2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.). Then this punishment extends in to adulthood if they do not denounce the parents. That flys in the face of the return of Ezekiel and what he had done in the Temple, how are the hearts of the children supposed to be turned toward their parents if what is said is in place.
We then must look at the issue that the children are in the grace of God. Grace meaning under his protection until the age of eight were we are commanded to have them Baptized. From my understanding that if you do not do so then what is done by that child after eight until adulthood is on your head (sin wise). This might be wrong but it is what I have understood.
I have yet to hear the Church speak on this as far as a senior member of the 12 or the Prophet himself. I find it strange that it was released in such a way that begs me to reflect on the merits of its validity. That said I have yet to hear the Church denounce it as well. Normally what is in this book has been seen by Bishopric and above never have I seen those pages released to the general public.
So where does this leave my children? To answer that I really don’t know i’m not Gay, I’m trans. Does this make a moral issue for the Church or what? I’m a transwoman does this doctrine mean that I will have to marry a man for my children to be Baptized? Does this mean that since I once was born a man I have to marry a woman? Or does this mean that I have to be single for the rest of my life never feeling the light of love in my life? What? Cause you have made a ruling that I feel is earthly based not based from the mouth of the Prophet who speaks for the lord himself. If this is even a true doctrine. With in fact it does not present itself as doctrine more as punishment. Which from what we are lead to believe in recent times that church courts are to be used and viewed with the love of Christ in mind helping those to return to a sin free choice.
This issues if it is true does not address two groups in the LGBTI community those who are in the T and I groups. We mostly do not address ourselves as LG or B unless forced into such areas as most of us have enough issues. We are however loved by the LGB community who have learned the love of Christ that being to love one another. Which is not shown is this paper.
I would like to point out that holding my tongue is something I will remain to do but I felt the need to address as my life is not rocky enough. Though I stress until we hear from the mouth of the Prophet we must take this release with a grain of salt as it has the look to be more of a leak than a announcement from the Church on official letterhead or on the website.
I have been nice as I could be…. That has ended, now I will let him do what he does best……