This is something I have been working over a few days just to compare beliefs. This was due in large part as a result of the policy from the Mormon Church which has laid a heavy weight on my shoulders. This does not mean that my issues with the church are linked one and the same to members in the wards that I have been in as I can say most of the members are Great and honest people for the most part. To bad that policy broke my shelf. *if you are having issues viewing this zoom in and out it will fix*
I know it is a work in progress and many might not get my train of thought on this issue but I am hoping to greatly expand on this project as time goes on. It might and i mean might expand into its own page at some point. I know what I am looking for I just have not found it yet.
Though this does beg the point what if I never find it at all? What if in all of my searches i miss it? What if through all of my searches I end up being the wrong person?
First I would like to point out “What if’s” suck if you lived your life by that reason no one would have ever done anything. To me it is better to say “What Happens”
I am finding that my Transition is leading me in to places I never thought I would be. I am finding out more and more about others that used to be a big part of my life.
An issue has risen again and i am going to point my finger at it. If you are in Transition CLOTHES don’t make the person…. I know someone is reading this and I want that person to get that point. If that was the case all women would still be wearing DRESSES and have LONG HAIR. Your logic is very flawed and well that kind of thinking is flawed as well and filled with bigoted hatred.
Well the kids are away visiting there mum. I woke with the sense of sadness that made no real sense. But I chalked it up to hormones crawled out of bed hung the laundry. Dusted myself off listened to the birds outside. Found some blessings that were on a shelf dusted them off gave thanks for them. Placed them back on the dusted shelf.
I have been coming to better terms with being Trans. I am showing my wonderful children that it is better to be true to ones self then fight away never getting anything really done.
I have come to an idea where once upon a time I asked my ex-to-be to work with me on writing a book. Why not start it on my blog on another page? It would be fun and if someone had tips I could use their help I have a great story line just need to fill it out.
Who knows what will become of it might be nothing might be something my kids might read someday and say wow that was a why it went no where….LOL
There is an old wise tale that says Let Sleeping Dags Lie……
I have tried to take the high road on many things in my life in so much as others have taken it as a weakness and tried stepping on me…..
I have been nice as I could be…. That has ended, now I will let him do what he does best……
On a second note I am going to be a listening ear for any other Transyouth who is LDS and might need someone to talk to.
Since I need to do something next year as we have to wait until January to kick someones arse in Magistrates court for doing something that they should not have. I am thinking I am going to be looking at school again thanks for forcing my hand in this direction. Maybe I should look into Social Work……Not like I did not help someone for a number of years and proof reading stuff that damn near made me fall asleep, lol.
Ok in all serious life is going great this week I have been feeling and seeing a few new changes in my body. it is just a little exciting to say the least. I have been working on my Backyard tiding it up for summer I will post before and after photos as soon as I am done. There is not going to be any photos while I am doing it as I use most of my energy to work on it, photos be damned right now, lol.
On a side note while I not overly please with everything in life, it is getting better. I have looked back over the last year and it have been like a deep breath when having an asthma attack painful at first as the meds go in but then slowly you can breathe. Then once it is all over you get the shakes and filled with energy.
I look at what is going on with all of the LDS people who have chosen to leave the church over the last two weeks due to what I wrote about. My heart is stilled filled with sadness over all the loss of hope and the pain caused by the church towards a community that is worldwide. I just keep thinking that this is not what our Father wanted for his children. While I understand that they are trying to avoid issues like “dad and dad or mum and mum live together and then church says it is a sin” Causing so much confusion in children which in itself is not fair to them. Then I am concerned that for making a stand like this they are making themselves to be an exclusive group….. At what point do they think a child will join a church that is not willing to accept the whole family is a place for them. Yes, gay families are not the normal, but it does not mean that they are not able, capable, willing and filled with unconditional love. To me that is the type of love children need to see and feel. Hell how many divorces are going on in the strait world. Where parents use the children as spies and weapons on the other parent. Tell me how is that good for the children? The church needs to look at itself and see that while it is pointing a finger at others three are pointing back. I don’t care who you love, just love the children!
Thanks to my dad a long time ago placing a spark in my soul. You see one day I was feeling sorry for myself thinking shit my life sucks big time. From out of the blue the crazy old man said to me “When you think all is hopeless and every one is out to get you, when you feel sorry for the way your life is. Stop! look at you self deep down inside is a spark and that is all it takes to make a flame, go light a fire it is up to you”. This was one of the times when it seemed that my dad finally got me. What he said was so out of the blue, it really was not like him.
I would like to add to his “Spark” story. When you can’t find beauty, when the spark is all that is left, Don’t Stop! Don’t give up! Make the beauty that you need and so deeply want. Beautify something! Help someone! Do something that you have never done to help someone!
Your Special – There is no one just like you – thanks HoJo
TodayI was talking with someone who felt I was angry over something. So I did what I normally do I checked my 6. I talked to a good friend “myself” then I talked to another good friend “she knows who she is”. So after checking my 6, here is my complete and wonderful answer (***warning*** I have an answer for everything, i don’t promise you will like it).
Angry: In a round about way, i am. I aloud myself to be fooled, robbed and ridiculed. Time was wasted on foolish ideals and I listen to the wrong people for a long time.
Blessed: I am so blessed, I expressed the truest nature of my blessings on October the 31st in a room filled with my closest friends who could make it. In the last 6 months I have seen some amazing acts of kindness from those who did not have to. In the last six months I have been filled with the love of going back to church and being with some of those loved ones. In the last six months I have reconnected with some friends who for one reason or another were placed on the back burner for reasons left to die. In the last six months I have learned that there is a god and my prayers are heard and answered. I have reconnected with two of my older three children and I am blessed every time I talk to them. I have a wonderful legal team! Thanks Grant Tucker! I talk to my oldest Nephew, who is a Hero in my eyes. All of my children are safe (all 7). My three youngest live with me in our home safe and sound.
Sadness: I read with horror that my good friend lost his wife. A profound sadness washed over me, then it was replaced by a wonderful happiness that she was my friend and cared for my family. A read an new story that the church supported did something I have not supported and it saddens me to think of those who will be affected. My marriage ended in a horrific way, best to let that reason die as well.
Confusion: After 13 years of a choice I am learning once again how to be me. I am learning that I can love myself even though I am a Trans (gosh that is cool when you say it) that I am a Transwoman that is beautiful when said. Do I know all about being a woman? nope do I know what it is like to be a woman? Nope. Do I iknow what it is like to be a man? Nope. Simple I am Trans each day is my day something new to enjoy and learn about.
Happy: My three youngest live with me in our home safe and sound. Our home is filled with love. Our home is beautiful. My parents are doing the best they can and are alive. My parents saw the truth over lies and have once again rebuilt what was an attempt to destroy. I have great friends who care for me and my children. My great friends don’t care I am Trans. My oldest son is thinking of visiting me soon! 5 out of 7 of my children don’t care I am Trans. I can hold my head high and say I did a good job taking care of someone who did not care. I am alive, I am free, I am a hero to my children, I am Trans, I am walking in a country that cares for me, I AM………
Relieved: A plot failed, a judge saw the truth, a police officer believed, my three youngest children reside in our home, I can cook for friends, I can smile at the darkness is gone.
Transition: Its going well.
Overview:
All in all I have checked my 6. I think I am doing very well. To me I am a well rounded human being. Filled with more blessings then I can write. Enjoying a lot of what life has to offer, FREEDOM. I wake everyday looking breathing learning loving in short I am one happy mother (insert bad language here and smile). I am so blessed! Beat that you doom seekers, you can’t cause it is MINE all Mine.
I have been nice as I could be…. That has ended, now I will let him do what he does best……