Tonight

WOW!!! Thank you Launceston!

What a great way to cap off the year.

To my readers each and everyone of you have a wonder filled new year my so many blessing fall upon your head that you and yours will not be able to count them all.

Here it comes

2016

So lets look at what I hope might happen in the year 2016. First with a sad heart my divorce is done. Second I find some courage to do what I want and that it to take the next step in my educational plans to be come a counselor. Third continue working hard with our children to give them the best life I can. Fourth finish replacing the things I have lost once again. Fifth work hard on my Friendship to be the best friend I can. Sixth Get a new car to erase the memories that are found the current one. Seventh replace the inner smile that at times likes to shine, so that it will shine ever brighter. Eighth fly my oldest son to come visit us .

Well in the change with the new year I have changed the look of the blog to make sure it will be fresh as I am feeling the change of fresh air in my life.

I am ending the year with a bag at the fireworks with my children. Then come home and sleep. If I could find some black eyed peas I would eat them to remind me of the happy times with my mom and dad at new years. Ham and corn beard would have to be at the table as well. As long as I don’t have to eat Orange Fluff (don’t ask). Love you mom.

Well my Transition is going very well, I am four months into the HRT. I am very pleased with the overall sense of calm. Yeah I have times were I hate TV ads, boxes of Tissues at the TV due to the damn things. Something before my transition I never really understood. I look differently at my children now so much more connected with them than I have ever been. I can’t say this is due to the Transition or due to the face that the Negativity of our lives have been lessened. I sure do love my kids all of them.

 

Some thing from the past

I am going start off with this statement before you read today’s post. I want you to know that no matter who you are it is ok to accept that there are going to be Dark times. Where nothing seems to go right, loves fail, people cheat, family betrays, lose your religion, or what ever makes your dark times. Accept them be kind to them and embrace them, don’t let them break you, let them help make something beautiful of you. Steel is not pulled from the ground it is made by Fire and hard work. So when you read this post 1993 was very dark times for me now I look back and laugh and know I am more than what I was at that time.

I’m Gone

1993

Look at me, i’m free
Don’t waste your tears on me
Can’t you see this is what I always wanted to be
I’m gone and I will be
Forgotten

Someday your will see
This is the way it was meant to be
Your wasted tears
Are something I never wanted to see

I’m Gone and I will be
Forgotten

Don’t be sad
for in this life I was more than
Happy
To be near you
To know you
To love you

I’m gone and I will be
Forgotten
Goodbye, So long
I’m Gone

Knowing that we have dark times is all part of life. I have this wonderful friend who gave me this wonderful book this year and I so enjoyed reading it. The Happiness Trap. I don’t want to tell you about it I want you to take the time and look for it, and read the small version of the book. No one should fall into the trap of the world that you need to be happy 100% of the time. Face it, you can’t…… as well as it is not healthy and you will go broke.

This is the real post for the night. I wish you well if you are in your dark times. I know it will end and some point you will look back like I am right now over the last six months and smile saying I made it through it! Now I need to plan for the future.

Star Wars

Ok, here I am a big geek. It hit me what do we call Star Wars geeks? See that Star trek fans are called trekies…. So where are we at? By the way if you have not seen the movie, go see it. The actors who are new to the series are just so amazing. There are a few small issues that could have been better but they are shadowed by the hidden clues that are placed through out the movie. WOW!

So thinking about the wonderful time that the kids and I had. I cannot say how much I really enjoyed the new movie. Yes I know that people some fans are not able to fill in many of the timeline gaps that are in the movie and the Luke’s daughter debate. I am going to leave it as it is until I am sure people have had the time to weigh in on it.

Gabriel tonight found some information that made him very happy. So we have had a good night. I gave Niamh a night off of the words so we will see how she did with it.

transpositions

This above link is a radio station over here in Transland that I have found. Some great topics and news about Trans news source. I am listening it for the first time and enjoying it. I thought I would pass it on.

I have really started to sink in on the thoughts of professional career in Counseling. Yeah I am really thinking this out to make sure I am going on the right path.

I so love the school that my children are attending as they have been so kind when the teachers have seen me in town and are very happy to talk with me outside their professional area. This just goes to show what fantastic staff this school.

Life is funny

I was sitting here a couple of days ago seeking answers to a few things. Right now I am drawn to going back to school yup something I am not looking forward to doing, but I feel ever so drawn to it. A plan and a purpose to move forward in a direction that might help another person. I don’t think I can sole the worlds problems nor do I think that it will solve my problems. I do think that I have a lot of Wisdom and life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.

Ok back to my seeking answers on God and the Mormon Church. I think more and more that the honesty levels of the church are questionable. I do think that Members are not the problem in fact I think the ones I choose to call friends are the salt of the earth. I have always welcomed “door knockers” tonight was no different but we had the Gideon’s knock on our door. They were very nice never once trying to shove it down my throat, little did they know I might know more about the Bible then they did but it was not time for a bible bash. It was just so peaceful they prayed at our door gave a blessing to our home in their prayer. I know that 2016 is going to be a most magical year.

Tonight as I have been to work with Niamh, by her teachers on her Magic words. Were are working real hard to get her up to the level she needs. Tonight the “EX” choose to throw a spanner into something she did not even ask why we were working on them, she just said well thats boring doing homework in the Holidays. ARGH! Hellooo…. Gee if your child needs help you do it! Yeah it is not fun but you do it. Oh well we will make do, we were doing so well before she chose to say that to her then the energy just ran out. Ugh….. Gabriel was also having an issue that she was going out to eat and chose to end the call early. Dealt with his anger for 20 minutes dusted him off told him that he will talk to her on Tuesday. I think it also had to do with the fact that she choose to call a half an hour late yesterday and her only got a half and hour for all three of them before bed. I hope she calls on time and spends the whole hour talking with them and not bursting their hopes, dreams and hard work.

Well I started to work on my……LOL I can’t remember where I was going with that thought

 

Hope!

Tonight I was having “talkie time” with my kids who I have been doing with them for as long as I can remember. We have time to talk about anything they want. We have opened a line of communication that I never want to see close. Yes I am a Transwoman we talked and talked it over open and honest. Tonight I got into trouble for not wearing a bra by my little girl (8) told that I must wear one at all times. Oh how I love her!

I have been having a talk with my son (9) who has been very concerned about who is telling the truth. This worries me why is he asking this? So we had a talk about “why”. So we talked about how to find the truth when we are not sure as to what is the truth. We talked about actions are louder than words. Say what you mean, mean what you say. One cannot say “I am the best” when their actions speak otherwise. We looked at how people act and by those actions they shall be known. We talked about how to keep ourselves safe we talked about making choices that might confuse other. We talked about standing up for what is right even when we might lose. Being right does not always mean we will win. I am always amazed at my son he loves so much and wants to be loved. We have a bit of a talk about how we as a family have been doing over the last six months. We talked about what can be improved on. He is such a deep thinker. I can’t wait to see what he will become in the future!

I talked to my youngest son (5). Wow so much a beautiful soul. I think I have learned much more from him than he has learned from me. I don’t even know how to write about it all.

I guess my point is the following that if you want to know your children and you want to be a part of your children. TUCK them in at night, spend 5 minutes talking to them. Show up at their school, be a pain in your children teachers side making sure your are help them teach your child. Do homework with them. These are the moments that I have been doing for a very long long time. I have a bond with them that I fear nothing will harm. We are open and I know that if they need to talk to me they can.

Yeah, we as parents make errors but we are lucky if we change in time errors can be repaired.

I hope your Christmas was as good as mine filled with love of friends and family.

P.S. if you can see the movie “The Danish Girl”

Dear Germaine Greer

Germaine Greer, I have taken the time to listen to a few of your interviews since your so called anti-trans speech. I don’t believe in speaking my mind without knowing more about your comments and having time to review them. I think you are sorely missing a point that is really out there.
I understand your point that the way some of us have had to hid is very damaging. That no amount of surgery will make a man a woman. I would like to address this in this letter to you.

Not all Trans people who hid or are hiding are bad people. What you need to address is very simple “Why did they hide”. Your current stance is not educated enough to continue. After all of the great deeds you have done, do you wish to continue to distract from them. I personally am thankful for all the hard work you and others have done. Weather or not you know it you have helped the Trans community. So for your effort I would love to tell you why I hid. I hid because I was scared the world in which we live in is not one where change is taken easy. How many of those who are in the Trans community have been bullied, murdered or even marginalized simply because we are not the same as others.  I did not have the tools to make it where I was living. My church said Pray it away, marry a “normal girl” and so many faith based ideals. Let not even go into reversion therapy…. So that said, I made choices to try to be a the stereotypical real man. But at the core of it I am not a man, nor am I a woman, I am at them end of the day a Trans member of the Human race who identifies more with the female side of the gender binary.
Just like so many others in the Gender Spectrum we have good Trans people we have bad Trans people……it is that simple. Yes it is absolutely horrible that we have had to hide to survive. What choices were we given?Even more so when a person who has built everything as a man falls apart one day and kills themselves because of the pressures that the hiding cause. While I do not feel that it was right to hide, what choice was I and others given.
You give a break to those who are Intersexed as “it’s not their fault” they “were born that way” um news flash I did not wake up one day and say “crap I want to be a girl, cause life as a boy is just to damn easy” Both are Physical, Mental and Emotional issues that are not in the control of the affected people. Though each of us at one time or another have screamed in the mirror saying “I hate me”, “I hate the way I look”, “why can’t I be like” and so many other things that if you knew your child said that your heart would break. Puberty is not kind when you want your body to do something different that it is currently doing. even worse when you don’t have the skills or not safe enough to ask for the help you need. Even worse when your parents and family members find out and attack you for being “different”. My parents took me to see professionals who did not even listen to me. Told my parents I would grow out of it. Some parents took their children to reversion Therapy. Suicide is a real issue in the Trans community 1 out of 4 have tried. The numbers who have succeeded are just as shocking and they can’t even be totaled correctly as some do it before they even tell someone that there is a problem or families have hidden the real reason out of shame.

We do not “come out” later in life because we are going “look at me” though there is one who I think did that. We “came out” because we are no longer able to continue a battle within ourselves. I felt it was better to face the misunderstanding of others than to lie to them and myself that I was just as “Normal” as they were.
I feel like you also miss the base core of our day to day struggles. Those who are still hiding are fearful of their families and society. Maybe they are in love with someone who if that person knew would run away because they are living with a person who is not “Perfect” and they are just like you to close minded to love them for just them. I have seen it, felt it and lived with it. My losses for being a person who does not fit the norms that you have embraced would shock you. I was a scared little child growing up, the scars are so very deep.
I think you could do so much good here with your wonderful talents. Like I said I do applaud many of your efforts over the years, I sadly think you are a bit out of touch. Though you will not see me standing at your door with a Torch and a Pitchfork screaming for your head. I am offering you an opportunity come walk in my shoes (I have medium size feet). Come learn what my life was like. Come interview me, I think we could have a wonderful conversation. I have children who I love and care for everyday. Yes I will agree that not all of them understand or are willing to try to understand but those that do find I am still the same goofy person I have always been. I did not disown any of them.
I also think you will find that while I call myself a Transwoman I know i am not a genetic woman, I am just another person trying to make it to the end and leave a good impact on life and my children. I do wish you the best, though I would love to see you walk one mile in our shoes before you continue your current path of speaking out against us.

Ally

Yesterday

I did something I swore I would get back to one day but in a different form. I learned to airbrush a long time ago by a wonderful artist who had more talent in his little finger than I could ever have. I miss his talents every day. Ok so back to the point I gave a hand to an amazing artist who’s works stop my heart when I see them. I gave her my Airbrush to knowing that she will make great use of it and in her my Airbrush will shine once more.

Alyce Balley

Have a look she is…… beautiful as her works. I am always amazed. It is even cooler that my oldest amazing daughter is her best friend. Really go look!

So on the front side of my life. I’m going back to school, after years of putting someone else through it. I am going to do another course and see if that is the way I want to go as well. So why am I taking another course well it is simple two reasons and these two reasons are the same for everyone who chooses this path. One I think it might help me find the tools I need to answer a few questions about why I am the way I am. The second answer is very simple maybe just maybe I might be able to help someone out there who is walking the path I have walked. Now I will let you try to figure out what I am going to do…… I’m getting older and it is time to use the wisdom I have gained in my years on this planet.

I also was told in a “reading” that my lucky number are 4, 2 and 17. That I should use these in as many combos as I can and I will be richly rewarded. Well there is Four in our humble little home and I have four friends who would give the shirt off there backs for me (I won’t tell you who you are cause you know who you are).

The children and I are going to go see the News Years Eve fireworks I love this idea!

 

See 4 topics, lol

Well I am back…

Well lets get back to the part of blogging I love the most. Welcome to  my life, lol.

Since my last post a few things went really wrong “The Beast” my old computer gave up the ghost and died to to heat stroke, lol. I was working on a new posts when it went BEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!! and then froze I was talking to a couple of friends online  multi-tasking which, I do very well! So as I was saying I could talk to them but the beast was not doing anything else. I said “it looks like I’ll need to restart be right back, you guessed it I was not……

So half a week later dipping in the my saving I have a new PC called “The Ghost” yes I name all my computers. I was talking to my kids tonight and I felt a bit low and down feeling alone. So a person I met a few months ago invited me to a end of the year party for Diversity. If you know much about me I used to be an out going person though in the last few years this really ended.
It is so hard to get back something you enjoyed. I am learning about the new me. I am finding that over and over again I just don’t even know myself, I have lost that over the last few years. I was no longer the Al married to….. that got lost when it became Al who cares for…… so now I am Ally (nick name from two wonderful co-workers) and I am trying to find what I like and so many things are going on around me that I am just holding on and will look back ion another 6 months and say wow.

So far I am finding out that on this Journey I am meeting many new faces and learning more and more that I was very close minded. It still does not mean I am comfortable with all that I see. I am still me and getting out of that box that I built for myself over so many years. No I am not going back to drinking been there done that and my meds are far more important than a beer. I met a couple of nice people tonight. We had some great conversations. If you are reading this thanks it was nice.

Well this Christmas I am doing it all alone and I am not liking that at all. It feels very empty and I am very solemn. I talk to the children and I can hear their happiness and joy and I miss them ever so much. I am taking this one day at a time. Finding ways to distract myself so that I don’t noticed the empty bedrooms the lack of having to cook, the missing of Hugs, the wonderful talks I have with Gabriel. So here I am…