I spent the last two days coming to terms with the past. Please let me explain, years ago I had my heart broken by one of the most amazing persons I ever knew. In fact it was so painful the way she broke my heart to this very day I have never been able to fully heal the wound. You get to that point when you love someone so very much that when they leave there is a HUGE void. So this gaping hole was in my heart knowing that i must have done something or we did something that made her leave. Over the years I have only brought it to one simple reason that I was not true with my own self.
As many of my readers know my marriage has ended and it did not end on the best of terms. I thought this person was my soul mate the one person who I could count on when all of life is not accountable. Please don’t get me wrong I am not angry that the marriage ended. I am hurt over how it ended, even still hurt that when I read things you find out it was ending before it ended, but that part is sealed in my memories and in time I will deal with those actions. I am sure that many people have felt this horrific pain of loss. I just never knew it would purposely ended the way it did. So that the new wounds lie on top of an old wound that never really healed because the other party wanted to cause more pain.
This week some of the wound came back to cause some pain once more. Over the choice of running away. I always thought that Nothing and No one could cause a pain so bad to another person that could make that person run. That was until I did, I ran and kept running until part of that wound healed. It took close to 15 years to heal it but I did. Then choices of others trying to lay a new fresh wound on top of the old wound hoping that I would have repeated those old actions. This time I sank my heels into the ground and said NO I AM STRONGER THAN THAT. I felt some of the old pain that I ran from come to the surface and needed to be addressed. I learned to say I am sorry to someone I hurt when I ran. I don’t know if she will forgive me, time will judge my hopes on that. With age comes wisdom, and a willingness to say sorry and a strength to do it as well. I think I could ahave avoid all the pain in my life by being true to myself, though I would never have been in the wonderful place I am at this time in my life.
Over this week I have found some more amazing people who have entered into my life. Who did not Judge me, who did not care, and who simply said you matter. I have spent the last couple of days just enjoying their company. I am amazed of the people who I have started to surround myself with over the years. I have this core of friends, no they are more than friends they are Family who mean more to me than the person we left. IT should have never been this way. but we all make choices. I love each and every one of my core Family I am starting to expand my life in such a way that when i base it off of “who are ok for my children to know” and the examples of my core “family”. I know I am making the right choice.
I was getting a drink today from a person I met a few days ago at the Australian day event the children and I went to. We had a small chance to talk. I need to address something that has happened a lot…. It is not her fault it is just the way people think. On Australia day I was dressed VERY casual, that if something happened and it did that I would not have freaked out. That was very smart on my part. Ok to the point I was wearing shorts and a simple tshirt nothing to big as it was a BBQ and casual.
Today I spent the morning with the group of good people and one of them said wow you look nice you weren’t dress like this a couple of days ago. I just quickly pointed out that i was just in Daggy clothes. Another person came up to me and said wow you look very nice I love your eyes. I think I have found a problem that I don’t know really how to dress down… I can dress up just fine. most of my makeup is good, not perfect but good. But twice now people think that when I dress down I am in “boy mode” so I have to figure this problem out. Cause I am doing something wrong…. I don’t have any Boy Clothes….. What am I doing wrong? I thought it was just a fluke that my EX-to-be kept saying that to the children as well. Hmm i just don’t know.
White privilege, I am amazed at how many white people don’t understand this topic much less see it at all. This week I ended up within a conversation over another topic and I brought up the simple fact that if it had been anyone other than a white person the way the issue ended would have ended differently. I got accused of being a bigot, yeah right this person never really knew me and in one minute judge me as being a bigot cause I basically said that if it had been another person other than a white it would have ended differently. I though and still do that an American white woman would be calling another person a bigot for not supporting white people. How far has America fallen when a white person calls another person who is white a bigot cause they don’t support white people. In fact my comment was not in a way that was being bigoted as to be against white people. So we got off on the issue of white privilege, the person near the end of the conversation still did not see much less understand the fact that white get more, have more, are treated differently, served better, get things cheaper, just to name a few. I was even asked to provide an example…..Um when was the last time in America was a white child shot but a police officer for playing? When was the last time was the police called to stop kids playing basket ball in the street? Um then the person had to reply with the Black lives matter riot as an example of something that I still can’t see why she did cause it proved MY point. When was the last time white people had to walk and march saying our lives matter? Then I was called uneducated…..Um…..right. The only thing I was not called was a traitor for leaving the US. Yup you can be just as confused as I am……. i just had to stop talking to a wall that could not see the very truth right in front of their face.
I am amazed that I have a problem with blushing, bloody hell it is bad! Argh! I am finding out that it is getting worse and I don’t know how to deal with it.