Tonight I was sitting here thinking about all the new experiences and all that has changed in a couple of days I am going to hit a new mile stone I have been trying to figure out how to express the events that has taken place with my Transition (whoops no spoilers) I came to a solemn place where my world need music that touched a bit on what is going on. I was looking and listening over and over until one song came into my mind.
There are times in your life no matter who you are with. If you are living in the corner of a roof instead of a large home you wish there was something you could do.
Tonight I told someone “I’m not your….” it felt very sad. I felt like I walked away from a job. This last couple of days I have been coming to terms with what will take place soon and that is the ending of my marriage. It has been 12 months this month. Here in Australia that is when you can file for divorce after having 12 months of separation. I don’t think any words can truly express the way I am thinking about the loss and the happiness that I am feeling at this time in my life. I told myself that I was not going to date until I am ready, that I was not going to date until the divorce was done, I told myself I needed to focus on the children more than myself needing someone to fill gaps, I told myself that those “gaps” are a pitiful reason to fill in with a re-bounder. So here I am 12 months later to my promise to myself. I have learned so much being a solo parent that has gone from very little help to no help from the other parent
I feel that I have respected the promise I made to a long gone friend. In a place that we both felt very special place. I have kept my vows to so many people those don’t mean that much, but I just can’t do it in any shape or form even during a separation. I have lost friends in the past due to the same issue. I have opened my mouth when I was asked and they could not handle the way I feel about marriage. I am not saying that you have to be married but if you make that promise….I could not even do a gap filler as I could not drag someone into the hell of having to deal with the issues of a bad divorce. So now I am seeing that the future is coming. That I can see that my life is without my ex-to-be that I have kept my soul in fact I have taken it out polished it up and allowed it to be happy once more. I have been able to dream about life, I have slept well.
I have had some tough times over this year. I have felt and dealt with the mourning of the loss of a marriage that I did see coming for a long time but I kept hoping that we would find each other once more. I have a great Attorney, who has helped me keep my head when all I have wanted to do is lose it. There have been times due to some of the shit I am having to deal it…… But in the end a great attorney knows the truth and helps you reach that higher plane of life. I have made new friends and have had old ones come back. We have met some amazing people. I have felt the burning desire once more to regain my old skills in Sign Language thanks to an new friend we have made, thanks Anna.
It has been such a long journey in just a short time. I took the kids around our journey path so that they would not forget. I have spent nights and talked over the blessings with the children so that we never forget. We still say prayer at dinner time and we try to also show our thanks before bed time as well. I can’t believe the blessings we have sometimes and the great friends we are lucky enough to share them with.
I am amazed at the personal growth that I have gone through as well. one of the most notable things of my Transition has been the joy of no longer having to fight myself anymore. I stopped having to worry about having to make sure what I was doing was okay with the ex-to-be. Now I get up I get dressed try to do my hair, makeup and all the stuff that normal women do. It has been relaxing not having to hide the dressing and making sure I am being “Manly” enough for her. I think part of the Transition has been learning that others still see me as a good person and I also don’t require “permission” and I don’t need “Gap filler” to make my life complete. Gap filler is like any other filler it fails to be the real thing. It is very hard to explain but I am learning to fly.
Hey be kind to others