I wanted for a long time to write about the night we fled our home. I found it such an emotional night. I found myself connecting several others who had in the past done the same thing. So please bear in mind it is not only women who are abused.
It was 11 o’clock or close to it when I heard the last threat that was the last straw. It seem now looking back after talking to so many others who were concerned for us (the children and I). A lot of people knew what was going on even though I tried and tired to hide my pain and shame of being abused. Sure you say why shame, it was so very simple. I did not leave cause I was scared. After hearing the threat I became so scared not only for myself but for the children as well. There was an action plan in place for getting us out a week later, I was now not sure we were going to make it.
Your heart races as you dial the numbers that are set in place if it gets bad. Then they start calls and calls are made time rolls on. Panic starts to set in what if she wakes tonight and has a go at me. What if she finds out what I am doing, what if she wakes as I am loading the car, what if she….and the what ifs keep rolling on and on. The fear is getting over fed. You heart feel like it is going to jump right out of your chest.
The tears begin as you realize that you have now crossed a point of no return plans are now being auctioned that are in place. Bags are loaded with all that you need and have to have. Your phone rings they tell you that they are still trying to find you a safe place to get to. another hour passes by you have lost your wallet so you go searching you take everything out you find it. Now you load the children’s bags acting like a scared mouse not wanting to make any noise. The fear is heighten so much that you can taste it in your mouth. Your tears are flowing and it feels like a water fountain so you call for emotional support to lifeline. They give you a few unhelpful ideas (after all you are a man this does not happen to a man, is the way you feel like you are being treated), so then you call Mensline as it starts to feel like they are the only ones listening and willing to help. They take the time and help calm the issues, the call ends. A call comes in there is no place for you anywhere. They have even tried the women’s shelters (cause you are Trans it is okay). A backup plans is not put in place it is not the best but it is the only we wait until morning and then leave.
Morning arrives you once more check everything. You have lost your wallet once more so you take everything out to find it and it was where you left it. You gently close the boot not to make to much of a noise. The time is 5:55am you start to grab the children. You load them in to the car one at a time making very little noise and in hopes that no one wakes. You start the car no music no one talking no head lights are on. You dive very slow out of the drive way…….YOU ARE NOT FREE…….You then understand the weight of what you have chosen to do. We went to the police and finished the plan as set out.
I am not the only one who has done this…….
I am not alone……
I felt alone……
I was not alone, thank god for the blessing of good friends.
Thank god we are now miles away for the hate and violence……
1300 78 99 78
Please get out if you need to don’t stay to make things better. I would have to say that it did not work for me. make the call get a plan and get out. Your life is worth so much more than you can ever imagine. You deserve happiness, it does not matter Man, Woman or Trans!