The problem is all in your head

To barrow a line from Paul Simon….. Somethings are not worth the paper they are written on I find that seems to be the case with the ex-to-be. It really is a pisser.

Well I don’t wont to focus on her issues. I lost my mum yesterday my day, since I got the news I was rather unproductive even after a girl friend told me to get my ass moving. I spent sometime searching my memories finding some of the better ones that my mother and I had. I looked at how my mums relationship with her own mum was a bit toxic and I looked at ours it felt more like a roller coaster of some fucked up times and some good times. I don’t want to mislead people in thinking that the times were better than they were. Though when she ignored my issues and looked at me a just one of her children it was great. We used to go out for lunch here and there when she was lonely. Bridges got burnt from time to time and that is a very sad thing. I would spend time rebuilding them in hopes that they someone in my family would not place TNT at the base of the bridge. But you get to a point where rebuilding is not something you want to do anymore. I think the Mormon church has caused a few problems in my family and some of those have created a huge gap between my sister and I and when she called to tell me our mum had died it was like talking to a stranger on the other end of the line not my sister and 30 minutes after she passed. It is Strange when those who take a path that seeks to destroy another person yet proclaim to be Christian. I try to find forgiveness in my heart for my sister and her actions but I am not really at the point were that is possible. I am not sure if I will reach that point for a long time if ever.

I was really sad when my niece passed away a number of years ago. At the time I was coaching my step-sons soccer team for the second year and the stress of losing her to cancer really left me with a angry personality for a short season. I wanted my children home before my mum passed but time in the hourglass ran out before it was to happen and I did not think she was going to make Sunday the way she was fading. But my ex-to-be refused to hand the children over and that makes it hard as well. It is very sad to point out that our family is not very healthy at all surprisingly I think of my Mum, Dad and Sisters and I, I am the healthy one. One of my sisters is going to drink herself to an early grave and the other one is on the way to eating herself there. If I dig mine faster than normal it is going to be stress or sheer boredom.

I lost communication with one of my daughters and that is due to the fact that my sister. I know that this daughter never liked the Ex-to-be yet her and the ex-to-be seemed at a point to be snakes together when we were starting the divorce. It in a way is sad how negativity seeks others just like itself.

I have been trying to rebuild parts of my soul that were damaged by years of hiding, letting others walk over me, abuse me,. lie to me and all around not being true to myself. When I stopped hiding there has been a huge release of stress. I find it strange and a sense of comfort that comes with not having to deal with finding time to be me. I wonder at times what my life would have been like had my mum just loved me instead of being mad that I was not a perfect little Mormon boy. I am very glad that I have my seven children. Yeah I can see your face right now as you read that. Yup 3 are adults, 1 is a young adult, 3 are still under ten. I saw a photo of the daughter who gave birth to my first grandchild. I wanted to tell her something that I knew that no one else knew cause it was my memory that took the photo. I was looking at her most likely just after the birth of the baby and she was a spitting image of her mother when she had her. Joy was so beautiful when that child was born even though she was high as a kite due to the nurses….I looked at that photo and was taken back seeing her mum, Joy at the very same look. Both were so beautiful, it is sad that she will never know the joy I had seeing that picture and the beauty her and her mum shared.

I have a wonderful older Daughter who is getting married and I am so proud of her and the happiness she brought in to my life. My oldest son has been talking to me a lot these last few months. I am so happy getting to know him, I cant wait to see him once the house sells. My child who does not want to be named is a teenager so we will leave it at that, lol. I do love her.Then my three little Heroes if you read the blog your know my love and pride. I may not like the actions of their mum but I am thankful for her being their mum and the happy years.

I hope you can see what I am saying. Being Trans has nothing to do with it all. What is the blessing is that I have learned a number years ago to be thankful before time runs out. I am sad that my mum did not find that part in herself to connect with the real me. So many things would have been better off. How much time do we waste on trying to change someone to fit what we think is wrong with them. Yeah I know I am saying that but I want my mum to have changed as well. I never forced who I was, like some of my family has been doing to me. That is what I am pointing out….. I think that spending the time today reflecting was my way to say goodbye to her. I like the feeling of a peaceful soul when it comes to her. I invited my dad to come for a visit, though I think my dad will pass as seeing me as a woman might not work for him. At least over the phone he does not have to face the truth. It is sad in a way cause he will miss out of my little Heroes.

I will say this much that I have learned unless you work on healing the wounds times does not heal them. It only dulls the pain….I wish my mum and I never had our issues, time is fleeting and you have no choice but to face an empty hourglass. But I also know somethings cannot be repaired as the damage is far to great. Well I could keep going on and on. I do tend to be a gas bag at times. even more so when I can’t sleep. Good Night

Be kind, forgive…..

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