The problem is all in your head

To barrow a line from Paul Simon….. Somethings are not worth the paper they are written on I find that seems to be the case with the ex-to-be. It really is a pisser.

Well I don’t wont to focus on her issues. I lost my mum yesterday my day, since I got the news I was rather unproductive even after a girl friend told me to get my ass moving. I spent sometime searching my memories finding some of the better ones that my mother and I had. I looked at how my mums relationship with her own mum was a bit toxic and I looked at ours it felt more like a roller coaster of some fucked up times and some good times. I don’t want to mislead people in thinking that the times were better than they were. Though when she ignored my issues and looked at me a just one of her children it was great. We used to go out for lunch here and there when she was lonely. Bridges got burnt from time to time and that is a very sad thing. I would spend time rebuilding them in hopes that they someone in my family would not place TNT at the base of the bridge. But you get to a point where rebuilding is not something you want to do anymore. I think the Mormon church has caused a few problems in my family and some of those have created a huge gap between my sister and I and when she called to tell me our mum had died it was like talking to a stranger on the other end of the line not my sister and 30 minutes after she passed. It is Strange when those who take a path that seeks to destroy another person yet proclaim to be Christian. I try to find forgiveness in my heart for my sister and her actions but I am not really at the point were that is possible. I am not sure if I will reach that point for a long time if ever.

I was really sad when my niece passed away a number of years ago. At the time I was coaching my step-sons soccer team for the second year and the stress of losing her to cancer really left me with a angry personality for a short season. I wanted my children home before my mum passed but time in the hourglass ran out before it was to happen and I did not think she was going to make Sunday the way she was fading. But my ex-to-be refused to hand the children over and that makes it hard as well. It is very sad to point out that our family is not very healthy at all surprisingly I think of my Mum, Dad and Sisters and I, I am the healthy one. One of my sisters is going to drink herself to an early grave and the other one is on the way to eating herself there. If I dig mine faster than normal it is going to be stress or sheer boredom.

I lost communication with one of my daughters and that is due to the fact that my sister. I know that this daughter never liked the Ex-to-be yet her and the ex-to-be seemed at a point to be snakes together when we were starting the divorce. It in a way is sad how negativity seeks others just like itself.

I have been trying to rebuild parts of my soul that were damaged by years of hiding, letting others walk over me, abuse me,. lie to me and all around not being true to myself. When I stopped hiding there has been a huge release of stress. I find it strange and a sense of comfort that comes with not having to deal with finding time to be me. I wonder at times what my life would have been like had my mum just loved me instead of being mad that I was not a perfect little Mormon boy. I am very glad that I have my seven children. Yeah I can see your face right now as you read that. Yup 3 are adults, 1 is a young adult, 3 are still under ten. I saw a photo of the daughter who gave birth to my first grandchild. I wanted to tell her something that I knew that no one else knew cause it was my memory that took the photo. I was looking at her most likely just after the birth of the baby and she was a spitting image of her mother when she had her. Joy was so beautiful when that child was born even though she was high as a kite due to the nurses….I looked at that photo and was taken back seeing her mum, Joy at the very same look. Both were so beautiful, it is sad that she will never know the joy I had seeing that picture and the beauty her and her mum shared.

I have a wonderful older Daughter who is getting married and I am so proud of her and the happiness she brought in to my life. My oldest son has been talking to me a lot these last few months. I am so happy getting to know him, I cant wait to see him once the house sells. My child who does not want to be named is a teenager so we will leave it at that, lol. I do love her.Then my three little Heroes if you read the blog your know my love and pride. I may not like the actions of their mum but I am thankful for her being their mum and the happy years.

I hope you can see what I am saying. Being Trans has nothing to do with it all. What is the blessing is that I have learned a number years ago to be thankful before time runs out. I am sad that my mum did not find that part in herself to connect with the real me. So many things would have been better off. How much time do we waste on trying to change someone to fit what we think is wrong with them. Yeah I know I am saying that but I want my mum to have changed as well. I never forced who I was, like some of my family has been doing to me. That is what I am pointing out….. I think that spending the time today reflecting was my way to say goodbye to her. I like the feeling of a peaceful soul when it comes to her. I invited my dad to come for a visit, though I think my dad will pass as seeing me as a woman might not work for him. At least over the phone he does not have to face the truth. It is sad in a way cause he will miss out of my little Heroes.

I will say this much that I have learned unless you work on healing the wounds times does not heal them. It only dulls the pain….I wish my mum and I never had our issues, time is fleeting and you have no choice but to face an empty hourglass. But I also know somethings cannot be repaired as the damage is far to great. Well I could keep going on and on. I do tend to be a gas bag at times. even more so when I can’t sleep. Good Night

Be kind, forgive…..

Wow I am the first to admit

I am the first to admit when I am wrong. I am hit a bit harder than I thought I would be at mumthe passing of my mum. I am glad I was able to say goodbye before she left. So right now I am sitting here with a can of Dr. Pepper my mums favorite drink and a half filled glass for her. Thinking of the good times trying to avoid the bad memories. I am glad she is out of pain. I hope she finds the heaven she was promised.

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye Mum

I want to say a few words, please understand how hard this is for me and I can understand if you are in my shoes as well. This week I was told my mum is losing her battle with cancer. Today I called and found out that my mum has only days left as she has stopped drinking and eating. My mum has never accepted that I am Trans or my identity. Though today I asked my father to place the phone next to my mum who is now in a coma for a lack of better terms. I forgave my mum and told my mum thank you and that it is okay to go I will be alright. I share this with you cause at some point we should find peace in our own souls. Learn to let peace be your guide, forgive and let your healing begin.

Life comes full circle

Life does seem to come full circle. Many readers have seen my battle with the LDS faith, Family, Loved ones and the list goes on. About a year ago my mum told me on the phone that she had 6 months to live and that she had cancer. I  grew up living with a parent who was ill in one form or another. SO as my mum told me this i was a bit upset and as I was able to adjust to the fact that my mum told the Ex-to-be not to tell until she was dead and in the ground and that my ex-to-be agreed to this wish of my mothers as she did not want me there due to being Trans and it might upset others in my family. I was very very angry and upset that two people who I would have and did do anything for did this to me. I was needless to say shocked that the ex-to-be would stoop this low and then the next day lie to the police. Wow I am amazed by the lack of decent human respect my family has shown over the last two years, this includes my Ex-to-be.
I have not kept my feeling in these matters silent and I never will as what was done was wrong on so many levels. This last week my mum and dad called to say she does not have long.  So I listened and I gave the opportunity to be honest and free her soul from anything she might want to leave behind. I got really mad when that chance was wasted. In fact I was really mad when it was just more of the same. My Grandmother was the same way with her and she was very hurt when my Grandmother passed away and did not take the chance to free her soul as well.
Today I received a call from my Father and I chose not to pick it up and his msg made no sense, so i did call back only to be told that my mum has a week left. My dad woke my mum and allowed me once more to talk to her. I gave again, I now know my mum’s pain with her mum as I am feeling it with her. I am lucky to make sure that I will not repeat these two women’s errors in this life. My second oldest Daughter in the wold sent me a msg telling me to ring my dad, after I already did it. Then I got a msg saying thank you.

I told my Daughter that when she is ready I am here. We have not talked for many years due to the way she has treated me. Today I opened the door allowing her to talk it out and free her soul of the weight that she is carrying. It did not happen all i got was more vile tossed at me. So in the an opportunity was wasted. In the last I line I freed myself from the hurt and weight that I have been carrying from her.Her last line is that she did not want to communicate any longer. I sent back that I forgive her and when she is ready I am here.

A long time ago I learned that forgiving another person does not mean that you have to keep placing yourself in a position to be hurt. Okay lets be honest it was not that long ago.

It was this song that summed up my feelings towards those who waste love for stupidity of actions and words.

 Another tear falls from heaven…….

 

For my oldest son

I know you are concerned at this time. I wish there was something could do to ease you pain. I told you about this poem while we talked today so here is this for you.

Do not go gentle into that good night

Dylan Thomas, 19141953

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Just remember Grandma in your heart, see her often before she goes, build the memories before it is to late.

I love you son…..

Changes are happening now

As I try to build upon this site I have renamed the “my book” page to “My timeline”. My reason for this idea was to add a more complete flow to the blog. I hope in time to have enough information to create a book of my time on this earth and my struggles. Having a memory like I do, some of the about me page have been very painful while other times I have been able to smile from ear to ear.
Someone once asked me why don’t I write everything down at one go, it would be faster. To be honest I can’t do it something’s are very hard to go back over.
My first love who I lost. It was my fault I did not have my head screwed on right. Walking people through that will be hard and in time when I am ready. There are memories like the birth of my children, I’m not sure if I’m ready to let them know how every emotion I was feeling but in time I will find the strength to put that while memory in words.
There are memories of being haunted of times that are better left dead and buried.
I will add as I am able……..

What dreams may come

In 2008 I was excited by what was going on in the US. I even got my hopes up to only be let down. I watched over a total of 8 years some of my fellow Americans allow the Status Quo to continue. This year I felt it would be much the same. I left the US and over the years I have not regretted the choice of moving to Australia. I have learned that what I once thought was the greatest Country on Earth turn out to only be the state ran Propaganda Machine. Once I was free from that Machine I started looking at my country in a sad light one that made me never want to return to it.

Later in my life I found that some of this deception was driven by the church I was involved in since I was the age of 8. I left it as well……

In 2015 I found that my marriage was a sham filled with lies and abuse. The person to whom I was married to was not the real person that lied behind a mask. For 10 years we were the perfect couple for each other. Sure there were pit falls and bumps in the road. Then she took the mask off and just like my country and church, I saw what she was hiding only to late….. But we left and I vowed never to return to that type of a person ever again.

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In 2016 a man stood up and said no more, No we are not going to take it. Now once again I am going to sit back and hope that a new era of the United States of America can be found. Hope is but a small dream.

In 2015 I looked and looked for a new church for my children and I. Though as I stood by my beliefs I found that it was not easy to find a church that fits with my beliefs. So what has taken place, nothing I simply am unable to find one. So where does that leave it? I am not really sure at this time. I know what I believe in and right now that is fine with me.

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This week I am dealing with the fact that I am all alone with no children. I know I have done this a few times but it is not very easy. It is getting better the first time it happened I did not get out of bed in fact I did not get off the couch. I grabbed a blanket and that was where I stayed. The second time it was not as hard but I was on the path to a new life without her….. Christmas was the hard part though I was very lucky to have had good friends. This time I still miss them and I am wanting to tuck them into bed like I have done for as long as I can remember. Before I go to bed I talk to there doors and wish them a good night hoping that they can hear my love for them over the distance. I get to talk to them every night so that makes it easier. Soon they will once more be home in my arms.

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I spent some time with some good friends yesterday. I was very nice to have been building my friendship circles. It is getting bigger and stronger. I am starting to feel like I could allow someone in though I am still reserved. Cause to be honest I worry about the person and how they will deal with the horror that is part of my life. That is not even my Transition or my Kids cause both of those are such blessings. I am not even able to explain what it feels like to be “Me”. The freedom that is not dealing with the inner conflict that I have always known to this point in my life.

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De-Transitioning, I though I would touch on this a bit cause I was asked in an email. I am not sure why this person really wanted to know about if I would think of doing it. As I talked about this being something I have been at peace with for a long time. Once the Hormones took off I was so happy with the loss of the conflict that was taking place in my soul. The thought of going back to causing my conflict is not something that I am willing to do. So even to entertain this idea as part of a conversation is not a fun and peaceful idea. So to be honest this is all the time I am going to give it.

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I bet you wondering why this is post is broke up this way. So of it is normal post other parts are answers to questions that I have received.

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Why do this now? Well lets look at it. Yes I am 46 getting divorced and my children live with me. Okay so my kids have kinda like two mums (but I am dad). They are happy and I am happy, so why not be true to my own self. At least I am not trying to be something I am not. Say what you mean, Mean what you say. Do not be afraid to regret it is the ability of the honest soul that can look within to begin the change.

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okay off the box, have a wonderful week ahead. Do something kind this week.

 

The dreaded wait

The one thing many people don’t talk about in divorces with children is the day of time for them to visit the other party. You can tell the air is not the same once you wakeup and as the time gets closer you know you are going to miss the kids. For me I am happy that they go see their mum. I have been the other parent who has the visits and I understand the wait to see them. It sits in your gut and there is nothing you or anyone can do it. If you don’t have children you will never know much less understand the feeling of what I am talking about.
Them there is the day when they come home you try to plan for it all to be honest you can’t but you can try. Something I have learned is that you can make a dinner but not cook it that will give you time to be ready or keep busy. Do things to there rooms you have been dying to do this will help set an excitement mood when they arrive home. As sometimes not always have negative explosion of energy cause at each parents home there is a difference between the two sets of rules. It takes them a bit of time to reset. So the more you can avoid this by keeping the mood high the better for all.
Feed them slow fuel before and after the visits with the other parent. This takes away the energy explosion. Try not to be the parent that sets the other up for a hard time at visit time. It is all about Karma, baby

Life in pictures

I thought I would share some of my latest project my bed doing get excited nothing is going on in her until I am divorced, I am married. So I live a boring love life, ba ha ha ha. A love life me, like if have time for that. Not going to happen for a long time if ever again. Here my latest project.

image

Yup time to give a face lift……wait for it……..

image

Ta da………….

Now see how it fits in the room

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Yup I was enjoying my salad as I thought about writing.

image

I need a contrasting photo to top off my room, and my new bed which I have my eye on. Making one was going to kill the budget.

Opps she did it again????

In the age of stars trying to remain relevant by  shocking us maybe we should just ignore Germain Greer. She has fought a good fight and those younger than her have taken up the fight. So why am I saying this well I would draw your attention back to her now famous statements about transwomen not being women, though I don’t want to waste my time finding it, lol. During a show on the Australian TV called Q&A on the ABC she once more put her shovel in the dirt again. have a look at this link to the show,
I can’t help but stop and think that this is one of the most educated women in today’s society who is starting to find that a newer generation is replacing her. She has had the lime light for so long and is craving the attention that she once had.
I did not want to stay on the sidelines and not have my say on the show so I was all to happy to reply to her conversation on the shows Facebook as many others did. I have posted it with a reply that I am going to try to respond to via my blog as doing it on face book would not give the attention to the question it deserves.

Aleana Robins Hello everyone, I have read most of the posts before mine and as a transwoman I have to say I respect GG for her views. I don’t like them as I find them a bit lacking in knowledge of trans issues. There are many reasons why Trans stop and become who they really are. But if you look at the core of the issue as to why it takes others so long to “come out of the closet” much of it lies at fear. I challenge everyone know us, we are not that different. We still have the same issues as many others. Though people like GG offer new problems. Many lives have walked our paths some have even died on the path cause of narrow views. I would welcome anyone who would like to know what our life is like have a look at mine at www aleanasjourney com Get to know my life read my story. Then Judge me and others when you get to know us. GG should take the time to do her homework before placing fiction over fact.

Bonnita Despy

someone someone Thanks for wonderful response. I love her as well but like all people that I respect some of their views conflict with mine. I will be sure to check out your blog. Wish you all the happiness in the world.

Like · Reply · 13 hrs · Edited
Aleana Robins

Aleana Robins Thank you someone that was very nice of you to say

Like · Reply · 13 hrs
Kavana Sama
someone someone Hey Aleana Robins. Out of curiosity could I ask you a couple questions.
Germaine’s comments of people being unable to identify as the ‘other sex’ because when they are born as one, they can not personally know the other. I understand that people can feel that they don’t belong or fit in with the standard that society puts on gender but I don’t understand how that is a disconnection with one’s gender or one’s self instead of one’s disconnection with the society’s standard or expectation of that person.
I believe Without gender standards dictated by society we would all be what we currently perceive as gender fluid. That we are born with a natural gender that is irrelevant of gender stereotypes. And the confusion is that being feminine is not reserved for women as being masculine is not reserved for men. Am I wrong in thinking this and if so can you explain to me from your perspective how so???
Like · Reply · 10 hrs · Edited
 Wow, what a well thought out reply. Thank you so much for this view. I havew spent a whole day thinking about my response to it all. The only response I can give is a person more than what lie between their legs? What really defines a woman, to be honest no one person has a right to define that. It come at a great cost when we as a society points at a person and say cause you look like then you are “blah”. So what makes a woman? The question also cannot be defined. Cause as  GG liked to point out “Know” must be defined and “Know” cannot be defined except by the person “knowing” as this question is not about what makes a woman but it should be seen as who do your feelings tell you that you identify with. Once this level of knowledge is reviewed then we can leave the narrow minded to themselves.
Darren Tumak

someone someone I agree, what a wonderful response. I think GG has contributed amazing things in the past to the feminist movement…but I have to say I feel her recent commentary re: trans just offensive and seeming to echo the very same narrow minded essentialistic sentiments that she’s previously fought so hard to escape. I’m not trans or fortunate enough to know one, but I applaud your strength and hope that you are warmly and wholeheartedly accepted by all with whom you share your story. Kudos to you for putting your story out there – I hope it helps people broaden their minds and think twice before thinking negatively of experiences they don’t understand.

Like · Reply · 10 hrs
Kavana Sama
Someone someone I see that you identify as a transwoman. That is the mindset that I have, that trans people can identify as trans not as the ‘other’ sex. A born man can identify as a transwoman but not as a woman because by nature they can not know how that actually feels they can only know what they are classed as doesn’t suit them personally.
I am a male and have always identified as male so maybe my perspective is limited, therefore currently, so is my understanding.

Like · Reply · 10 hrs
Aleana Robins

Aleana Robins GG is only part right. Let’s take a closer look at trans children. Young girls and boys, they don’t really care what lies between their legs. Until someone points it out. But if you are trans that is the point where the pain and confusion start. You can see the problem but you want to be like the other who does not have that issue. There is not an issue of sex. It is far deeper than that. It lies at the thought level of processing. When we start to grow then we are shoved in a box where if we don’t fit the mold that is when society might label us as gay, butch, Tom boy, girly, what ever it is. When at the simple part it is that we are not any of them. We are not boy or girl. We can only find that role that best fits. If that role is choosing a gender of the opposite of our born binary, you have to do something to stop the internal struggling. Reading my blogs pages might give you a deeper look into how I feel about your question cause it is something I don’t think I am able to quantify in a paragraph or two. I would have loved to been like every other man but I am not able, I have tried and tried and failed……doing the same thing over and over is the true explanation of stupidity, something like that…..lol forgive my misquote. This was typed out on my phone so no paragraphs

Like · Reply · 3 hrs
Aleana Robins
Aleana Robins Thank you both for you responses
Well I don’t really know if I was able to answer the person cause it really was a question that did stump me into thinking about it all day, lol have a good night.