Time most fast

I have been asked to write an affidavit to the court for the hearing that is coming in November. While this letter needs to be done, it needs to be powerful and leave little wiggle room for the other party to fuck around with it. I been asked to address the issues of my Transition. This is not an easy thing to address cause I want to make sure that the way I address it leaves no ability for Discrimination towards me. I need to address the health issues of the ex. Reasons why status quo should be granted. The issues of Gabriel and being bullied by his oldest brother. As you sit and write it make me still feel like this is a bloody soap opera. I need to get a few other people to write ones as well, they have to understand that they will be called before the court.

I can see that this going to be a long trial ((((head hits keyboard))))……..

I found something

I found this video……. Right now it has been placing a bit more importance in the way I have been thinking. To be honest it is damn scary to ask someone for company.


I have been meeting some amazing people, some I would love to go out on a date with and it is so hard to just ask. Look I don’t mind being rejected, that happens. What I do mind is not knowing who I can ask out without offending them. Cause lets be honest with ourselves I am an Acquired taste, i’m not a guy and I am not a girl. I am Trans, I identify with women more than I do with men. I prefer the feelings of the way I have been for the last year or so, open and out as a Transwoman. All my life I have felt different, now some part of me feels in tune. No more do I struggle with emotional life. Though saying that I am still attracted to women. So that leaves me dating a select group of people. Now you can see that the dating pool has reduced big time. It is not my like Gaydar works cause to be honest. I was not born with it, in fact my Gaydar is so messed up that two rams in a field could be at it and I would miss it completely.

Cain got the question right….

I love having this blog for a number of reasons. It has allowed me to open up a bit more. I have readers who come and visit and leave me a message here and there. Then I have a few people who have left messages that question why I do my blog.
I got a question today that I wanted to address on my blog. The reader asks “Why write this stuff, no one gives a fuck what you think you Tranny!” a little bit later the writer states “We can spot you freaks a mile away”. Now I can post all of the crap that was written in the email but to be honest its very hard to read and follow the thoughts. The writer asked me to reply so i did and here is what I said.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for taking the time and writing me as I have always said I will answer anything but hate. Be assured that I am not going to come out in this letter bashing you for your thoughts. I also don’t feel the need to spend hours trying to enlighten you on all of you misconceptions. But, please follow along you might just grasp something you never looked at.

There is a timeless question that was asked in the bible and if you trust in believe in it, then you must understand this question before turning any page in the Great Book. Cain asked God, “Am I my brothers keeper?” Now you spent time looking up your homophobic bible verses on the internet (next time remove the tags). But the problem is that you used the internet to copy in paste them with out really reading them. I do believe and to be honest how I choose to believe is between God and I. But go back to Cain once more. Why did he asked the question? Did he really think that he was going to get an answer saying “Noooo I Just thought I would waste my time asking you?” Throughout parts of the bible we come back to the core of it “Am I my brothers keeper” Christ answered “yes”, Peter answer “Yes” even Saul after getting punched in the head and changed his name answered “Yes”.  So when you claim that why should I spend my time writing my “Filth”. I put it to you that if I can save just one person, just one, the woman in the mirrorhell that is 99% of all Transpeople growing up’s hell. That means I stood and said “Yes”. You blasted my simple pose of Mirror. That is fine as well, i did not write it for you, I wrote if for a good woman who shared a drawing. Now before you attack her in a reply, she is my friend and remember I said “Yes”. I will not spend time reading hate mail or give you airtime to your misguided reading of the Bible.

The only reason I am replying now is cause I might be able to cast a light on your lack of understand of Transpeople. Did you know that a lot of us are Artisans in one medium or another. Some of us create without ever anyone seeing what magics flow from our fingertips. Calling us uneducated is also far from the truth. But it was the last paragraph you wrote that got me. I love my children in so much that I will always be here for them. If I chose to have a special person in my life I will make 100% sure that person is safe, honest, Educated, kind, gentle and all around a good clean and safe person. No I am not going to require them to have a police check. But I promise you this much I will know them. If at any point I feel that they are not safe for my children they will not be around. You see those traits I am looking for. Well I look in my Mirror and make sure that I am able to give those as well. My kids will someday stand beside me and say “Yes”.

I leave you and close my reply to you with this…. It does matter the clothes you wear, how much the car you drive costs, how big your house is, who you go to bed with, all the matters is love. I say “Yes” for all my children, I say “Yes” for all my friends, I say “Yes” for the homeless, and I say “Yes” for those who cannot afford bread. When you leave this big blue rock in whatever form you do all that will matter is what you take with you. It will not be gold, cars, fancy things, and not even your birthday suit. What you leave with is who you are, what you have done for those who have less, what you have felt, what you have seen, and the biggest thing you will leave with is the love that is in your heart. I stood and I stand and I say “Yes”.

I wish you all the best, I hope that maybe you have found some enlightenment. Goodbye.


This is for a friend……..

Mirror Mirror on the wall
You’re the cruelest of them all
You lead, you hide, you tell us lies
You tell us we’re no good inside

Mirror Mirror on the wall
You’re the most confused above all
We read, we buy, we are lost inside
You offer no answer

Mirror Mirror on the wall
There is no hope for us all
Lest we break you, lest we shatter
Nothing you say really matters

Mirror Mirror on the wall
You are nothing, I stand tall
You will break, you will fall

Mirror Mirror on the wall
From the dust I shall rise
Burning with no disguise

Mirror Mirror on the wall
You are dusty
You are small……….

A small rant

Sadly a place where once people dreamed of going……

Is now becoming a place now a place where the above song holds no truth for many. In fact more and more are wishing they could be somewhere safer.

Black woman standing

I am taken back by the above picture. Where has the country that I once saw with rose colored glasses gone to? There was a time when I looked at what was my home country and thought “holy shit I am so lucky to be in the best country in the world” 14 years later living in a different country, i have a new view of what once was a dream that now have become a nightmare for many. I have watched over the last year in a different light the country that was my home become a lost child. I grew up in a Mormon home, i lived as a Mormon for many years. I listened to people say that the Prophet said the US would fall and only be held together by the churches elders. This year I felt first hand what the leaders had intruth mind for many in the world let alone the US. It destroyed my belief structure, one could say. Leaders also telling me that I had to use the disabled toilet. But like so many other things in the past once something is destroyed what comes next is 9 times out of 10 better than what was before. When did the people of America forget what was written?
Living in Australia we started to see the religious right start to rear its ugly head over this last year as well. Following in the steps of the US. I certainly hope that with this last election that they have been dealt a big blow as more reasonable approach to life has taken over. Maybe just maybe the plebiscite will not happen and a vote of the people for the people is had or the leaders listen to the people and stop wasting money and fix some of the issues of equality. Cause dear god we don’t need a new America that is failing to appear here, ruining what is not needing to be fixed. As it is said don’t fix something that is not broken….
hb2I live in a State and in a Country that allows me to pee when I need to pee without stupid bills from religious leaders who have twisted the facts to make the fears of the people fall into line with their ideals. Yet they complain about those various people who are Muslims.
Look I know no matter where I go there are going to be people who don’t understand how I feel. But from what I have seen so far after walking out of Allen’s Shadow (I don’t believe in closets) Tasmania is an amazing place. Don’t get me wrong I make my jokes just like the natives. But I will defend these wonderful people for the way they treat me. I have been greeted in a way that outshines what I could have ever expected in the US. As time marches forward I don’t see the US getting any better anytime soon. Look at the crazy race for the US President. Who do you have a choice of The new Hitler (Trump) or HillBilly (Hillary) who you cannot trust anything she is saying or doing. So far the Fraud has been staggering and they have the nerve in the US government to say other countries don’t hold fair elections. …….
Well crap I can go on with the rant but I better not.

Well Surprise

The kids have gone to a visit with their mum for a week. My turn to write a big post on something that I have been looking at. Being that Today was the day one year ago that I no longer accepted abuse from my ex-to-be partner. The 10th of July was the day the children and I gave up. So I want to have a look at the life behind the closed door that was our home in a bit of a different way. So please read on and I hope this this can help you or help you understand me a bit better.

We’re not gonna take it

Yup you can hear the 80’s music playing, if not here is this for you.

As lot of Transpeople (sorry going to generalize at this point the stats are to high) we accept abuse from so many sources by saying to ourselves, “this is what we have to put up with cause we are Trans if we want love”. At some point we need to be like the song and not take it any more. We need to look at ourselves with the body positive and listen to our soul who might be saying to us “you are worth more than this”. This abuse like mine might be coming in the form of…

Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone.

Belittling and degrading a person is a toxic person’s forte and their tone of voice is only one tool in their toolbox. Sarcasm can be a fun mode of communication when both parties are engaged, but some people use it chronically as a way to manipulate you and degrade you. If you in any way react to it, you must be “too sensitive.”

While this is a bit hard to say that this alone is abuse, it is. It might be delivered to you with other things such as this…

Love-bombing and devaluation.

Toxic people put you through an idealization phase until you’re sufficiently hooked and invested in beginning a friendship or relationship with you. Then, they begin to devalue you while insulting the very things they admired in the first place. Another variation of this is when a toxic individual puts you on a pedestal while aggressively devaluing and attacking someone else who threatens their sense of superiority.

Now like my experience, you are only at the second part of what I went through which is a multi faceted event. A lot of what I am going to point out is not going to happen 24/7 or even everyday. But it is slow cunning and builds in it consistency until the point you don’t know what is going on much like the Frog in the pot story (does not matter if the story is true, you get my point).

When we get to the point where the actions of the other party become the norm and we tell ourselves we can deal with it. But it does not stop there sometimes like what I went through. But even then I still accepted it as the norm until one event said this is not right. Lets get to the next part of what you might be experiencing or seeing another person going through.

Smear campaigns and stalking.

When a toxic person can’t control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the martyr while you’re labeled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a preemptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on lest you decide to detach and cut ties with this toxic person. They may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to supposedly “expose” the truth about you; this exposure acts as a way to hide their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.

Now in my case I never had the stalking part of this but the smear side well enough that when I told the few friends I was allowed to have that were hers as well (BIG FUCKING SIGN RIGHT THERE), they need to make a choice and chose my life or hers. One of them got so mad that even though they did not know what was going on behind closed doors they trusted everything she said to them and came out and attacked my on Facebook calling me “Sick and in need of help for taking the children and leaving”. Once again without even knowing what went on behind closed doors. So lets get to the next part.

Destructive conditioning.

Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, frustration and disrespect. They do this by sneaking in covert and overt put-downs about the qualities and traits they once idealized as well as sabotaging your goals, ruining celebrations, vacations and holidays. They may even isolate you from your friends and family and make you financially dependent upon them. Like Pavlov’s dogs, you’re essentially “trained” over time to become afraid of doing the very things that once made your life fulfilling.

 This is a tough one because it is very very sneaky. In my life I love music, art and role playing. My Music collection is very different than most people. I can safely say that I have Opera to hard core Heavy Metal in that collection. I was conditioned to not play Hard Rock or even Queen cause she hated it so much. It got to the point that I was hiding that I was listening to them I could never admit that I enjoyed those styles. I would hide in my office and listen to music or sneak a CD in to the car to listen when she was not there. I used to love Airbrushing I was going to get back to it, I kept a few of my past works around to remind myself of the happiness it brought me. I know my style is not for everyone, but to me it is mine and I love it. To her is was an eyesore and was not allowed to be  shown in the house. When we left I left those as well as other pieces and she damaged favorite one beyond repair. I kept it cause I loved it so much even with the damage. I have this one wp-1468020761036.jpgpiece of art that was my grandfathers, growing up it meant the world to me, cause I look at it and I see him. I remember where it was the first time I saw it. I know the exact place he had it in his office. To this day I have it were I can see it always, cause I loved him so much. When she was in my life I heard over and over again how much she hated this painting. She knew why I loved it and she knew my love for my grandfather. Over time it was moved from place to place each time being placed in a space that it could be less seen by myself and others. When we left I had to leave that painting cause the children were more important than anything else in the whole world to me.  One day I went back to get some of my things and this painting was placed outside in a open shipping container exposed to the elements and possible theft. Little bit by little bit things that are of value to you are destroyed or damaged. You become conditioned to it….. Looking back there are things that are gone that cannot be replaced. I accepted that it was my wife over my possessions, family or friends. Which were really part of who I was. Simple things like a Coke glass which was given to me by “My” oldest daughter that she “broke”. To more complex issues like my children in a different country that she did not like and told me several times how she felt about them. That is a very hard spot to be in. Lets keep going…..I want to show a little bit more…..


These people sometime preemptively blow anything they perceive as a threat to their superiority out of proportion. In their world, only they can ever be right and anyone who dares to say otherwise creates a narcissistic injury that results in narcissistic rage. As Mark Goulston, M.D. asserts, narcissistic rage does not result from low self-esteem but rather a high sense of entitlement and false sense of superiority.

This one plagued me day in day out. It is such a low fucking thing to do, what it reminds you of is grade school name calling. But it is not that simple. The ex-to-be used to tell others and myself I was bad with money. Okay I will admit that to a point, I pay my bills on time and I work off the ones I cannot pay fully. I don’t see a reason in my life to stock pile money. I don’t see a reason to keep chasing a carrot when you have a fully belly. In the past I have worked myself to the bone. But it got me no where and it did not make me happy. So she started calling me names to myself or others. It got so bad……. In 2012 she needed surgery, I found the doctor. I made the appointment cause she was not able to walk or talk at that point. When she got out of the hospital she was disabled. I became her carer, I got paid to do it. 24/7 I was at her beckon call, I had no time to myself. But I was labeled and called Lazy, unproductive, useless, hopeless and many other names. I even took a side job to get out of the house and bring in more money to make her happy. Though i was still called names. The old story of Sticks and stone can break my bone but names can never hurt me. Is nothing but FUCKING BULLSHIT! They erode you bit by bit. They tear at the very core of you. My wonderful Daughter one day started calling my these names as well cause she was conditioned as well that it was acceptable to do so. I lashed out at her in a fit of anger and to this day I am so sorry. But even when I lashed out I did not see that what was going on was my cup was running over. Sorry it does not end here…..

Nonsensical conversations from hell.

If you think you’re going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindfuckery rather than conversational mindfulness.

The date is set in stone it cannot be changed, even the government can’t change it. November the 23, 2002 we were married. A great day, I loved this day on a level cause without it our three little children would never be. We were married for 14 years of those 14 years we have only had 2, yes TWO anniversaries without any dramas. That was because she planned them to the core mind you, I got blamed for doing nothing…. It got so bad that I planned for the Dramas on that day. I marked it on my calendar not cause i did not want to forget it, cause I needed to be ready for the fallout of the day. I needed to be ready for a fight that made no sense, none, nada, zero, zip and zilch. But it happened and it was my fault even when i did nothing wrong. I saw this and I accepted it as married life…..
This topic FUCKS with your mind it stresses you out of your level of understanding. You cannot grasp how crazy some of these insane conversations can be. But you are left thinking that it is your fault…. I can’t go on with this part…Next


Most importantly, toxic abusers love to maintain control in whatever way they can. They isolate you, maintain control over your finances and social networks, and micromanage every facet of your life. Yet the most powerful mechanism they have for control is toying with your emotions.

This is the last one I went through. This one still to this day brings tears to my eyes. It is fucked in the head. A little over a year ago I called my mum in the US to talk to her cause I had a feeling something was off. I could not put my finger on it, but it was as tangible as a brick. So I made the call we talked for a bit and she said the following “Al, I need to tell you something.” my heart started to sink, my mum never said this before to me ever it was not like her to say these words. She told me that she had told the ex-to-be that she was dying and not to tell me until after she was dead.  The reasons do not matter and I forgive her for those reasons cause faced with life ending who gives a shit. Many tears were had after that point.
The ex-to-be was good, she set this up real well. I have known a few fuckers in my life, but this took the First Place Prize. It was 3 am my mum told me she was going to die. I knocked on the ex-to-be bedroom door (we slept in separate rooms at this point, a whole other story of control). She told me to come in I asked her about what my mum said she told her. I was answered back with a stone cold face saying “No your mom never told me that”, I broke down and cried right in front of her. Not cause my mum was dying, but cause I knew deep down inside I was being lied to. In the a couple of hours later she called the police and told them I busted into her room and started abusing her. Needless to say I got an apology from the police department for the actions that took place that day.

If there is one thing I have learned from the research above is that when you feel something is off, it is. IT IS! it is…. Over the years (14 of them) I was told stories about the ex-to-be exhusband. They were bad, stories of abuse, stories of missing money, stories homelessness that left me feeling a bit confused at times, cause 1+1 did not equal 2. Stories that made me feel like I was doing the same as he did. When we fled, I was scared I was beyond scared. We hid and hid well. We begged for help. I was scared to send the children to school for 2 months.  Toxic people sometimes can be so good at what they do and the sad part is they don’t know why they are doing it at all. There is no reward for being that low. They don’t put you on a stage and say you are the best cause your an asshole. I feel bad cause my oldest Jasmine does not know the truth about her birth father. I now know that all of the stories were not true. I read the divorce papers, all of them. I do know there was an issue that took place that 1+1= another story in another location. I know that he did not handle the story as well as he could have and did the wrong thing. I hope that someday Jasmine tries to forgive the past and talk it out with him and bring him into her life cause the lie is so big…..
People will be toxic at times, but being a toxic person is a whole other issue. I know as Trans we might accept this toxic environment cause we have become conditioned to it, we have low self value or whatever it might be.

(I play this song a lot, to remind me of who I am)

But please take value in who you are. There is a wonderful world out there. One filled with love. Once we left I felt a love from my children that was clouded over by the toxic environment we were in. I go to bed and rest in the arms of calm, happiness, love, kindness, friendship. I write this crazy blog cause my life is one big roller coaster at times. I have learned so much about myself from it and from my readers.  Really there is help out there if you are walking in shoes that I once did. Toxic people need help and you need a life without them. One year later, I am happy… you can be as well.

Okay i’m being Lazy

Sorry with the children out of school this week has been all about them 100%. From the time I wake to the time I go to bed it is them. I do love having them home with me even if it can drive me a bit nuts at times. Kids out of school and cold weather. I hated it when I was a kid, now I see it as a parent.

I will write something big in these next few days I have been doing some research….ooooo.

Have a watch

A good friend of mine shared this little link. We live in such an amazing place Tasmania. I love Launceston so very much what a place to live.

Welcome to you and yours.. It is very amazing when you look at the courage it took to do this video. You see some of the most amazing people just like us. What will this world become as more and more Trans are being true to themselves and others……

It is no secret

Isn’t is funny when you are in the throws of the stages of Grief. Now what I have learned that while going through these it does not always mean they happen in pattern of 1-5, it could be mixed up. have a small little read about them and I will explain a bit on what some of my posts have shown in the past.

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness, loss of a relationship or death of a loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it. But take the time allow yourself to walk through the process. But also make sure that when you understand that you have been angry to say you sorry to those who might have crossed your path on the wrong day.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

  • If only we had sought help sooner…
  • If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
  • If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality. We all do this to some extant.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.
The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Loss may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

Now the problem I have been running into with blogging this last year is that I have done it with my heart on my sleeve and talked about how I felt. There were number of reason why i did this. The main reason that I have done this is to show the treatment that Trans people receive from legal bodies even though they say they follow equality.
I also wanted to show the struggles of building a new life after disclosing that you are Trans. This includes Love, Social Networks, and Employment.

Today I have come across this little story that might help.



There are times that meeting someone is just a step up to then meeting the next person. Don’t allow a sign to go unnoticed. Imagine this: You meet a man on a plane from Australia on the way home from a business trip. He goes back home while you stay in the United States. You keep in touch. You meet another woman from Australia. She introduces you to another person who is in the same type of business as you. Before you know it, you are guided to visit the Land Down Under. You get there and you meet the one. Had you not entertained all those signs to get to Australia you might had never met this person. Signs come in many forms. The One might just be down the road from you and until you follow the signs to meet you will continue to travel apart. Let your heart guide you.


Some of us go through an array of disastrous dates before the one shows up and it’s usually not on a planned event. It could be as simple as the grocery store. You may have spent countless hours, and years, with online dating and one day the right woman shows up at the deli counter. You might have even given up and fallen into the second part of our belief system that a soul mate is a myth. But, it is exactly then that your “one” shows up to love you. Love has no expiration date. You might have to endure all those others just to get to this one person. This is the place most people feel exhausted and just settle for Mr./Mrs. Right Now rather than wait for Mr./Mrs. Right Forever.


You can’t appreciate kindness and true love unless you’ve had some deep heartaches from past relationships. How can you know what you want until you pass those lessons? There is a reason you experience all those relationships. They catapult you into figuring out exactly what you want out of a loving union. You cannot cherish light until you have been in darkness. It’s duality.


You might not be looking for the “one,” but there is a feeling of loss that is not clear. You have tried to fulfill your life with work, hobbies, travel, and other relationships. You might have been married and now divorced with children. You still feel this ache as if something has gone missing. That is “the one” searching for you. The moment you allow for this awareness the universe starts to align with your desires. Let go of old programmings and begin to envision your future partner.


The moment you start to love yourself unconditionally, as you would another, the universe conspires to bring you the one who will love you the same way. You cannot possibly love another if you don’t know how to nurture and cherish yourself. Being alone is important. If you are going from one relationship to another without being alone, there is no way you would appreciate that one special someone to enter your life.

Social psychologist, Zick Rubin researched romantic love. He devised questionnaires to assess attitudes towards different types of love. He concluded that love is made up of three elements: attachment, caring and intimacy. Since the beginning of time, we have been searching for love and how to attract the one to us. The reality is that there is no simple formula. True love does consist of attachment, caring and intimacy, but it also contains a magic that joins two hearts. Personalities, passion, compassion, interests, culture and a million other elements create love. It’s a matter of allowing yourself to believe with the awareness that you have someone out there who is looking for someone exactly like you. Until then, do not settle. Allow yourself joy and experience all that comes your way.

After reading this lovely story from the site www.powerofpositivity.com . I started to look at the future in a bit of different light. I also started looking at the past as well. I am not sure what the future holds nor am I willing to accept the future of being single. I know there has to be someone who will accept me for me. I have to say that my list of the qualities that I am looking for is getting more precise as time goes on.