You should not expect that I will be silent. Domestic Violence is sickening in all of its forms. From Rosie Batty to myself and others just like me. If you did not want the world to know, you should not have done it. This is the time of honesty where the things people do are written upon the house tops. It is not our fault for your actions.
In a relationship you should never be attacked with physical violence, threats in any forms, and verbal abuse is still abuse. You may never see my scars, but I live with them every day.
Now is the time for all people young and old alike to say “No more”. No more, violence is not acceptable. Men need to grow some and get help during and after. Trans people need to say we are worth every drop of our blood, we are worth every breath we take and we say “No More”.
If you need help and are in Australia please get it. Life without abuse is the most wonderful feeling one can have. It frees ones soul to soar with the eagles. There is help out there….
When things were bad I made it through by the wonderful help of……
I know it says Mensline but even though I am Trans they understood and were so kind and gentle. I got out thanks to these groups……
IF you don’t say it is wrong, then it says its alright – Blind Boys of Alabama
Make stand show your self worth and say No More. Leave, get out, if you have children take them with you. What you are going through they are going through. Go to the police first thing get protection, I did. All things can be replaced even ones you think can not be replaced. Get a good attorney make sure they are good. Don’t play games, get help you will need it. Cause before you are able to see the light it will be the darkest. Tears will be shed, you will doubt your self worth. But know this You are worth it, you are going to be okay. You will never forget the pain, but you will be stronger. Like the sword it is created with fire, beat down and then cooled with the water until it is strong. In time you will be able to cut your way through the pain, you will stand and be thankful for the blessings. Some day with others like me you will stand and say No More. I wish you all the best and my thoughts are with you.
Being a Transwoman there are quite a few things you are not ready for when Transitioning and even more when you do it later in life. Some of that is made harder by acceptance of others. Though even if you are as blessed as I am, it still is a shock to the system. SO I am going to list a few things that many people Cis and Trans don’t think about when it comes to Transition.
- Colors, I bet you never thought about this. I never did because it was something no one talks about in research, forums, Youtube or in chat boards. I was sitting talking to some wonderful family friends at a brunch at their home. As I was sitting there she I could not take my eyes off this group of flowers. I was completely taken away but the stunning beauty of the colors and the Bees darting in and out. I have seen these flowers all the time but not since I was on HRT (Hormones). This is something that must have a direct link to Estrogen. This change started about 3 months into the HRT.
- Smells, okay lets be honest most men don’t know when they “Smell” in fact until a man gets to the point where other men are saying something you know it is BAD. Well GUYS…..use the shower! cause I can pick it up big time now. I thought it might have been just a few guys that I knew who might now shower enough. But nope it was not that at all. I have a REAL top notice friend who has started going to the Gym a lot. I stopped by his home to chat with his wife and he came home after a gym and wow it was bad. Worse than it ever was, cause guys do notice the Gym smell. But oh my lord it was a bit sickening (sorry mate). Old left overs or what ever in the fridge…..I open the door to the fridge and the smells boom the hunt is on…This happened about 5-6 month mark.
- Taste, no it has nothing to do with Chocolate, lol. But some sweets are enough to make me take my time and enjoy them a bit more. I am a savory type person and I have noticed that even that has changed a bit. Things that I kinda liked before now are wow! somethings are get it away from me when I used to love them. THis started about 10-12 months.
- BRA’s, Guys you have no clue the love hate relationship women have with them. You get one that is perfect in every way shape or form. Then it happens the hooks die, the underwire say “i want to be free”, Your Boobs grow, you lose a little weight or anything that you can think of that will change the bra or your body. It is a living hell, it is like this collection you have and the colors are not right for the clothes you are wearing or that day it just feels horrible. But even when that are not just “Right” you wear it because it looks perfect on you. Then that point even the best one feels great when at the end of the day you can take the damn thing off.
- Buying clothes, I know there is online hell. It is when you find that perfect dress and you pay for what seems like a steal and it was just that a steal of your money. Jeans dear good Jeans, you try on this pair and they are fine in fact might even be perfect. But the issue is that you took over an hour finding them. SO you think maybe I can risk it and get a send pair without trying them on (DON’T DO IT!, Just DON’T), you go home and a couple of days later you try to put them on. Somewhere in the world you hear a woman scream “NOOOooooo…..FFS”. You it is at this point you know that not even underwear can be trusted (bras).
- Temperature, Okay I was told that winter will be a bit of a shock for me cause I used to wear shorts before HRT. Nope never going to do that ever again unless it is hot outside. It is even so bad that one second it is cold and the next minute it could be to hot.
- Skin, okay so women have softer skin this we know. But it is thinner and wrinkles less but when it does you can see it, Baggy eyes.
- Temperament, This was something I was not ready for at all. It is so peaceful now. I love how much more of an unexpected and deeper bond with my friends now.
- Okay we are warned about the TV! Men have no clue, in fact i think it is a setup to make women buy more tissues. Stupid crying at TV commercials.
- Makeup, You are never be ready for that in fact it is a bunch of trials and error. But then listen to pros and watch Youtube. Remember less is more sometimes.
- Laser…..Do it sooner rather than later.
Okay this is my list to date. I hope it makes you smile and to have a better understanding of Transition. Remember to take it slow and enjoy every step of the way. There are some amazing discoveries to be had.
If you could only see the smile on my face. I have had a wonderful last 24 hours. After the post on the Facebook site called Humans of Launceston. I was not ready for all the outpouring of kindness. In fact it was rather shocking when you come down to it. Most of the time Transpeople are bit scared of doing something like that, because it puts us in a spotlight. Unlike Caitlyn Jenner we just want to get by in life without making to many ripples. Crap, here I am making waves, oh well. I know that a lot of people are a bit cautious in approaching people just like me. I assure you this much I personally would rather people ask me questions than to dwindle with bad information. Cause once you get to know me I am a bit well, Normal.
Sometimes we are influenced by all the negativity given to us by the Media and narrow minded groups. I hope my blog shows what I was hoping it would. Have a wonderful day, I’m going to enjoy my kids for a little bit before their bed time.
But why the hell not give it out now…..
Well we all know the wonderful photo and Makeup that Bec Stosh did for me. Well someone else just did another kind thing for me. Told a bit of “My Story” on this page Humans of Launceston . I love it and such a kind thing to do. I was going to wait until the persons news story came out in the newspaper but why wait……. Cause he did a great Job !
Word mark on About me Page.
Photos has been added with captions, stories cleared up, stories added and time line fixes.
To be honest I did not think my story would make 10k mark let alone 1k mark. My next goal is going to be 15000 words. We will see if I can make the time to do it. Hey thanks for reading.
The About me page is updated and my Timeline is also updated. About me page is fast on its was to 9000 word count.
Today was Gabriel and Niamh school performances of Matilda. Here is Gabriel.
Both did a great job!
I would love to look at the last week in review. It has been one hell of a wild ride with the highs and lows. From the highs of Rebecca making me feel like a million bucks. To the both of us in shock of the wonderful response of you my readers and the amount of readers who took the time to look. The Facebook response also shocked both of us. Life is funny when you are riding high and the tall poppy syndrome rears it head and is cut back down. That same day a teacher had to have a talk with me about my little girl. Once again my heart broke over the past. Then following that downward spiral an email from my attorney hit. Not that it caused worry or concern. It was the sadness of what I was reading knowing that what once was is almost all gone. Then that night as more and more kind words were said by so many wonderful people and friends the pain of reality faded into the hugs of my children. A wonderful opportunity came as I was asked if I would like to be interviewed for Humans of Launceston, of course i said yes (it was very fun). Then once more the children’s School St. Finn Barrs stepped up to the plate, knocked the dirt off their shoes, placed the bat on their shoulder, as the ball of life came in their took a swing and hit a home run. The principle made a few calls to get some help for our little girl asap! I do mean asap! A professional is coming in to listen to her. Then another thing that happened is when I did my bread run on Friday night after dropping off the children for a visit with the other parent. I was making a call to a friend who was doing a bit to help. Backed out with a bit of a judgement that made me feel a bit sad. But as I dropped off my bread to others who could help I went to see another friend we had a wonderful chat he and his wife are professionals in medical services. We looked over the letter and a sense of calm resided in my soul. Saturday rolled in with more excitement a wonderful text message and I told the person to knock it off cause it is getting a bit old. That it is time to start being a parent or get out of the game. Then I had the friend from the Friday night start complaining once more and I tried to help and learned that I needed to add a rule to my list of rules about people. *Never give advice to people who need and ask for it unless they are ready for it.
Sometimes people want the help but are not able to see past their problem to understand the advice and suggestions that are given. They become defensive and sink their heels in and are sure that the pattern they are doing is the only way to get something done. I learned from my dad years ago when I was little “Don’t fix it if it is not broken, but only a fool keeps doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So when you notice it is broken fix it” Then when your day starts off with that much excitement you hope for something better. So I left the friend with her issues and walked away for my own self care. A few hours later I was able to enjoy a wonderful night with my friends being a geek or nerd whatever you want to call people who play Dungeon & Dragons. Yup I said it I play a geeky game. But these friends are the best mates I have ever known. Then their wives are also very kind people. I have a large amount of respect for these wonderful friends.
Then Sunday came and I had a wonderful drive to pick up the children. We drove to me second to last bread drop off. I am so very happy everything has fallen into place as the day came to an end as the children were on their call with the other parent Gabriel was playing a name game and said Allen, then the other parent said can I say Neurotic. I let it go cause I am not going to get into such a name calling issue or say something that might upset the children. Mind you calling me a name as your child can hear you is not a good thing to do.
So the to end the night I put a post up on my Facebook about Pronouns “Dear Friends,
There has arisen in the last few days something I would like you to think about. I say this with a gentle heart and love for each of you. I know that many of you have tried real hard on this journey of my Transition and I would first like to say thank you. I know that it has been a bit hard to deal with the pronouns. I want you right now to take a deep breath hold it for 4 seconds and release. I am and always have been your friend. With being a friend comes love and understanding. I am not nor will I be offended by this, cause we are on a journey that has taken both on a deeper understanding of friendship. I am sincerely thankful for each and everyone of you in my life.
I felt it needed to be said cause I did not want friends feeling like I would get upset over something so simple. I want to also address something that I heard from another friend Michelle Sheppard who was talking about “Dead Name” I do not support this term. I love what Allen did for me he kept the real me safe.
Not only is August my year mark for HRT it is the month of my Birthday. I have been so very lucky to have a wonderful friend Rebecca Stosh the owner of Enchantress Beauty. The above photo is how she took care of me. Rebecca did not even know how special this month is to me in both areas. I timed my HRT with my birthday so that I could look at it in a light that made me feel closer to being the real me. The way it should have been so many years ago.
So here is what happened Rebecca was looking for a few models (lol, me a model). So I told her I would be more than happy to. I was so excited about doing this I was 45 minutes early sitting in my car until it got closer to the time she was ready for me. I went all day without any makeup on and made sure to clean my face one more time before I went in.
The time drew near in fact it was 15 til. So I walked with butterflies to the appointment. I was not really sure what was going to happen. As I walked up the stairs I kept fighting the feeling to run in abject terror. I was so scared it was another wall I was going to walk through. I was going to allow a professional to do my makeup in front of others. Oh I was scared to death. As I sat down on the couch cause she was not back from lunch yet. There were all these amazing looking women walking around. I could not believe my eyes, I was going to be doing this. A few minutes rolled by and she scared the living crap out of me! She did not know how bad my nerves were running.
We walked in to the studio and she told me to take off my glasses and sit down and be comfortable (yeah if I did not pass out it was going to be a good day). Sitting down, trying to calm down as she is asking questions left right and center. Lucky for me there was only a few questions. The next thing I know is I am being ask if I am a warm color or cold. Right then and there I was thinking cold cause I am going to be a corpse. Lucky for me I kept my humor out of this event and said I think I am warm. Next thing I know I am getting told I am both. The other clients and staff were so wonderful. It is hard not to blink, look this way, that way, keep your eyes closed, what would you like me to do and so many other choices. So knowing I was WAY out of my league I said what ever you would like.
I was starting to feel special cared about, and the best feeling that a wonderful friend can give another friend a feeling of SAFE. Minute by Minute time rolled on until 1 hour passed, then 1 1/2 hours passed. I started to wonder what I was going to see in the end, two sets of false eye lashes later and now there was a mirror in my hand. As I was bringing the mirror up all I could think about was what a great friend said to me “maybe this will help you to see the beautiful woman we all know”. To be honest as the mirror rises I was scared not that she had done a bad job, but thinking what if my expectations was to high. Then the comments from the other staff and what I saw in the mirror. The photos say it all, these feelings I am keeping to myself and Rebecca. I think I would have cried if it would not have ruined her artwork.
Here is my friend and some contact details.
Owner of Enchantress Beauty
Facebook: Enchantress Beauty
Well there is my story of my Birthday gift to myself without anyone really knowing.
I want to give a big shout out to Niamh’s Teacher. Thank you for making me feel so amazing after seeing Rebecca’s work of art
Well if you have been following my blog you would known that my one year mark on hormones is just about here. On Thursday I’m having a wonderful amazing talented makeup artist going to work on me. Rebecca Stosh owner of Enchantress Beauty you can find her Facebook.
I will be posting an interview with this wonderfully talented artist very soon. Keep your eyes on the next post that will show what she has done for me. I would like to name drop a friend/reader who made my day. Thank you James Napier for saying when you heard the above News. Stating that you will see there beautiful woman we all know and love.
I’m so excited