I am not to sure if I am really thinking strait about this subject. Though I would have to say it is something that every trans-person in one way or another must face. Not only our own mortality but the life of a possibility of singleness. No matter how I lie to myself and say that I am content with being alone I am really not okay with it at all. In fact it is a very haunting thought. It also feels a bit like the self reflection of being trans. Meaning that I do some things like a man but think when it fails that I could not do it right because I was not a man and vice versa. Had I been a man no one would have said anything. I know that this is part of being a woman the “Mansplaining” but when you do something that is as good as any man. I even work harder than most men. I am still judged and found lacking.
I have had one hell of ride the last three weeks and I am not sure what went wrong or even if it did go wrong. I am a bit lost in confusion over the whole ordeal. I ended up having a big sob session that washed all over me last night. As I could not piece it together…
Even now knowing that I am good at what I do and I am very skilled in other areas, I don’t get it at all. The reason for rejection eludes me and I will continue to reflect on the issues until I can come to terms with it. Some how I am upset even though this change really has no bearing on my overall goals nor should it because I offered to assist. So why am I feeling so confused by such a simple non-issue.
Then with this last month pieces of my divorce are falling into place. The children are settled and now I am moving forward with that. But I was so angry at my ex because I knew had I went to my daughter who I helped raised wedding I don’t think she could have been nice. I was also a bit pissed that I missed that event as I love that child like she is my flesh and blood. Really there is nothing like having a conflict within ones own mind on issues that don’t need to be issues. In so many ways it has tweaked my head in.
Then the idea of finding someone to just spend time with has drove me nuts. I feel a bit like this song…..
rant done goodnight……..