All good news my readers I have as of 21/12/2016 sent my book off the the publisher who will be taking the next step. I will let you know when it is up for sale. Much love xxx
Something in the last 12 has really shocked me and I did not ever think I would ever experience it. As posing as a man I never had to deal with objectivacation. As a woman I have been treated as a fool in a dress, to dumb to know about cars, to stupid to know business, weak, weak minded, and when I thought it could not have been worse as to when I was treated less than competent by a fuckin fool in a black apron. These past 12 hours I have had some uneducated jackass think just because I am a Transwoman I can be Sexually Objectified. Soon I am going to pop the fucking cork the next time one of these fuckwits think I am less than what I am. I will bite back so hard I will leave SCARS!
I will do it soon I will step in front of the mic once again soon. I just need to work out a few issues first. So please let me work them out. It is a bit of self reflection that needs to be done and dealing with Trans issues combined with a deeper singing voice. Though thank you from the bottom of my heart for encouraging me to do it again.
There are just those days when everything you think everything’s going right then out of the dark BOOM curve ball. I have always tried my best to help friends, I never ask for anything in return. This was something my dad taught me was the right thing to do. Then when I learned about running my own business and how to become a successful project manager, I excelled. Why? I plan for redundancy should something fail I have backups waiting in the wings. Ready to go at the drop of a hat. It does not mean I have to use them I am just ready incase I need them.
Late this year I learned a new lesson the hard way. No matter how much water that damn horse needs you will never be able to make it drink. This is not the lesson. I feel guilty for leaving a couple of horses sitting next to the water. But I could not help any more, I had to make a choice. Risk telling a friend the frightful truth or stepping away so that I did not have to see a horse wither and die.
A lot of the time when managing a project people don’t want to hear the truth about what they are planning so you ride a crazy horse until it falls over dead. In some cases when there are multiple horses it is hard to tell the driver that one of the horses is about to falter. As you should know that if one horse falters while in a train the whole damn thing will crash. It will be something to see or if it limps along long enough the train will stall and wither. My dad never taught me how to walk away like that. It was a horrible feeling as I could see the outcome that will come in the end one way or another.
There is some to be said about the crazy ones, they don’t see it. They have no clue that they are an issue or should we say a liability. When running a large multifaceted project there are the crazy ones. They limp along they cost money hand over fist. They do it in such a way that the driver does not see the problems until it is too late. They make poor excuses to productivity and or quality. They refuse help from anyone who offers and are completely blind to their own narcissistic actions. While trying to convince the driver that they are a thoroughbred. The driver is dazzled by this show when all he needed was a Clydesdale to match the other horses.
But like most thoroughbreds there is always the hidden agenda. Most people are not poker players they have no clue to a person’s “Tells” let alone the “Micro Expressions” that are are able to show the truth behind the deceptions. If you sit at a table long enough you learn people’s tells. Some say over and over I am qualified, I studied, i know what I am doing and the list goes on and on. But a good player at the table loses for a reason, they watch listen and learn the tells. I walked through the door and saw every micro expression and tell. The player / project manager who loses to see the players “Tells” is not losing the big pot in the end he has won it.
Those micro expressions are really cool things to learn about BTW. Some people do a great job while hiding them while others fail. It does not help when you storm out of a room when someone walks in. The players all see it, they know, they too are starting to learn the “Tells” it will take longer for the average person to see the micro expressions. Most people are not watching them.
Now to what I learned and that did come from my dad. You have friends there are good ones and they come with friends who will never be your friends. This is the same in business there are businesses that you use and they have ones they use but you will never use for whatever reason. It is so very hard to see that lesson. Even harder when all you want to do it stand on the rooftop and yell WTF! As a project manager it is so hard not to grab the reigns from the driver and say LOOK! Rose coloured glasses we want the best so it is hard to see when we have a wannabe.
Well this month was a big one. While some of my physical traits such as breast development have slowed a bit a few other issues have started to appear.
I sometimes feel very lucky that I have not gone through the second puberty the way so many others have while on HRT. I think it might be that I am pretty stable in my cognitive reasoning and know when I am being a bit of a flake. I have also known when to walk away from those who might stress the bounds of friendship. I am also taking the point that I am not the only one going through this transition, when in fact it is everyone around me that is.
Though saying that this past week I experienced a bit of a need to lay on the bed and cry after a friend said a few horrible things to me. Now did I take them wrong? I am still not 100% sure on that matter but I will take the time and think about what the context was and if I did poorly in my response. Even though at this time I have not taken the time to respond to the friend directly as I am not really sure how I felt about what was said and the actions that followed.
I have also been trying to better understand the issues that lay in the agreed settlement with my ex about time with the children. Most of what I am feeling takes a bit more of an emotional toil than it once did before the HRT.
I am trying to work through most of the emotional baggage that comes with these lows with the approach of what is logical to resolve them. I am still finding that my feelings are hurt but I am somewhat able to remove elements of these issues to lessen the impact.
I have noticed a slowing in the breast growth but I am not to concerned with that at this time. Some fat redistribution has made putting on a few of my clothes a bit of a challenge and I think that this is due to also diet. In the coming months at the 18 month mark I will reduce the fat intake. I am still tender around the Areolas to about a 1/4 of an inch into the surrounding skin. Man fat due to man boobs is reducing as well. If you do not understand this it is the fat the sits in the underarm areas folding into a bit of back fat.
Hair, well this is still reducing slowly over time. I do still have the issues of Dysphoria due to the hair that men get in some areas. But it is slowly going away. Head on my scalp has gone into overdrive these last few months with the growth close to 1 -2 inches of new. Though I am still taking Hair, Skin and Nails formula. This is a good thing and helps fight the dysphoria caused my not having the right looking hair. Underarm hair where did that go? really I have not one clue why that stopped. I have found no information why it would have but I am thankful for it.
Why do I have to deal with this part of the transition! could I not have to smell mens B.O. There are times that I just have to get up and walk away from it all. In fact men who “smell” a lot or have issues or forget to shower are making me a bit ill when being near them. Though I still to this day have not found a nice way to say “Man you STINK”. I can only think that women put up with this all the time. I went to work one day and I was told how nice I smelled by one of the employees on staff (thanks Jack) you have no idea how much perfume is needed to hide some smells of B.O.
Well my skin seems to have a mind of its own. I get scratches and I don’t even know how. I have also dealt with the feeling that my hands were made from sandpaper after working one day. I have to find cream and fast and hard to do when some men have other issues and hand cream is not one of them…….b.o……just saying.
Well there is month 15 in a nutshell it went by so fast…..
I am not to sure if I am really thinking strait about this subject. Though I would have to say it is something that every trans-person in one way or another must face. Not only our own mortality but the life of a possibility of singleness. No matter how I lie to myself and say that I am content with being alone I am really not okay with it at all. In fact it is a very haunting thought. It also feels a bit like the self reflection of being trans. Meaning that I do some things like a man but think when it fails that I could not do it right because I was not a man and vice versa. Had I been a man no one would have said anything. I know that this is part of being a woman the “Mansplaining” but when you do something that is as good as any man. I even work harder than most men. I am still judged and found lacking.
I have had one hell of ride the last three weeks and I am not sure what went wrong or even if it did go wrong. I am a bit lost in confusion over the whole ordeal. I ended up having a big sob session that washed all over me last night. As I could not piece it together…
Even now knowing that I am good at what I do and I am very skilled in other areas, I don’t get it at all. The reason for rejection eludes me and I will continue to reflect on the issues until I can come to terms with it. Some how I am upset even though this change really has no bearing on my overall goals nor should it because I offered to assist. So why am I feeling so confused by such a simple non-issue.
Then with this last month pieces of my divorce are falling into place. The children are settled and now I am moving forward with that. But I was so angry at my ex because I knew had I went to my daughter who I helped raised wedding I don’t think she could have been nice. I was also a bit pissed that I missed that event as I love that child like she is my flesh and blood. Really there is nothing like having a conflict within ones own mind on issues that don’t need to be issues. In so many ways it has tweaked my head in.
Then the idea of finding someone to just spend time with has drove me nuts. I feel a bit like this song…..
rant done goodnight……..