Have you ever been gifted information that explains your history? That opens door to the past and creates ties that bind. That leaves you with a sense of understanding of who you really are and why you are. But yet it came with a restriction that you can never tell anyone about the truth of the information yet you know of its validity….
Be careful of the doors you open into the past some lead to mirrors. You may not like what is looking back at you….Some stories of the past are linked into our very blood. A demon that sits in the heart of a person long ago might still be tickling your feet today.
I spent hours talking to an Aunt today that I have never taken the time to do so in the past because I felt like I did not matter to them. Far from the case as I have found out. I mattered but something dark drove our family apart. It was and is so very dark that some parts of the story are repressed into the people who had to go through it.
I learned of things that I am now a keeper of stories that must remain hidden until a later time…. Another curse of a timeless mind. After being told these stories and information I wept. I am starting to understand him better every day…..My tear stained cheeks will lock the information and the truth until it is safe and maybe I will choose to let it die with me…
**THE FOLLOWING POST MIGHT JUST SEE AN EXPLOSION OF A PERSON’S HEAD, MINE
This is a bold faced lie! This trying to talk to family members about my dad while writing his story has been painful to say the least. Mind you they are in Texas and I am in Australia. I have been trying to get in touch with one of my Youngest Aunts on my dads direct bloodline. How hard can that be you might ask well most people don’t like getting calls from someone they don’t know much less when that call comes from a number that is not listed or is not available.
In four days I have called over 20 times just to talk to my Aunt. She does not check her messages and she tells us so on the message. She asks me to Text her….Yeah right not going to pay for international texting to say “Hey please pickup the phone it’s your brothers kid.” (Yes i know I did not say Niece or Nephew. That part of the family has no clue and I am not about to tell them all).
So then I call my dad and tell him hey here is your sister’s number would you mind calling her and telling her I am trying to call. Then since my dad is NOT tech savy I had to send my son in the US my email address so he could give it to my dad so my dad can have someone scan and send me the much needed Military information.
ARGH! WHAT WAS I THINKING WRITING MY DAD’S STORY WAS GOING TO BE SIMPLE!
Well as you have noticed I have been a very busy girl working so very hard at doing nothing. So that is what many would think……
The truth is so far from the appearance. You see I have been working hard on Nurturing the reality of new friendships. I have also been learning that the I need to just let go a bit more of the facts that I am not going to save some things, people, friends and the like. Not all friendships are cast with a brush of kindness and understanding. Though I remain understanding that while some friendships are fleeting as the seasons each one comes with its own gifts and rewards of wisdom. While not all are rich and diverse it is those ones we learn the most from.
I watch as dreams which once seemed obtainable are no longer. Now I sit and see the despair of those I am not able to help. Yet I know how to help and that with the right guidance a success it can be had. Then in the end you can lead the horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Not that once the horse if it chooses to drink that it is in time for it to be saved.
This is part of my personality, my chaos, and another one of my curses. I am a White Knight personality. So you don’t know what that is hmm I would suggest to google it but since I am the one pointing it out, it would be unkind to tell you what to do. So I will provide you a link
Now don’t get me wrong each and everyone of use have a personality traits. Some of us can be Narcissistic, some of us have addictive personalities and this list can go on. But it comes to a point where when we notice the traits and our weaknesses, we grow. It is okay to be a White Knight personality once I started to see and understood what was going on in the things I did and still do to some effect. I even know where I was taught to be a White Knight, that honor goes to my father. Read my book and you will understand more about what I am talking about.
Though at the same time I am learning what to avoid in the bad parts of being a White Knight.
Often help others without them asking you.
I stopped doing this years ago. I offer my help and if they don’t want it I walk away. Though at times I still feel bad when I know I could have done something.
Don’t take the time to find out how you can help others, but instead help them in the way you believe they need helping.
I don’t do this it causes far too much stress and at the same time the writer of the and the writer forgot they just told you not to do things without asking….
Hope your rescuing actions will get others to admire you.
I am glad I am not this type of a person, at least I don’t think I am. Plus I really am not a type of a person who wants to be known as a rescuer. I have talents and if people need help and I can, I love to help.
Struggle to focus on or complete your own work because you are too drained from running errands for others.
I did this for a long time, I was not important. I wanted to place all others needs above my own. I do know that it was part of hiding the pain that I was dealing with all the time.
Don’t ask others for feedback when helping them.
I am not really sure if I did or do this, I hope not….. That would be like after everything you do to help someone, you want fame in some form “Look I fixed your car and you did not even ask me to do that” make me want to puke.
Hate it when people reject your assistance and feel ecstatic when they accept it.
Oh I don’t hate it, I understand people have needs to make a goal and complete it on their own. But I do see how I feel horrible when they fail and I could have helped. I guess it is like having a child, yes you don’t want that child to fall off the bike so you leave the training wheels on a bit to long. But when they do fall they learn that some risks have great rewards.
Feel totally powerless and worthless when you cannot help someone.
I have gotten over the issue of feeling worthless and powerless. If I can’t help I might know someone who can…
Cannot tolerate conflict and jump in to try and make matters right for others.
Oh I do this and shits me to tears why I do it. Most of the time I stop myself. But once in awhile I slip up and oops.
Help others primarily because it feels like the best way for you to gain positive attention.
nah not me, I just don’t care….Gad that sounds bad, I hate the drama of people in tiffs with others. Oh she said this and he said that. I have been known to say “I don’t care”. But I have learned to now say “Look your issues with that person are your own and I need it to stay that way, but I still care about you”. Man this saves hurt feelings instead of saying “I don’t care”
It is a bit funny how once you start to see the personality trait you have and know what is the good and bad side of it. Though I would have to say, I have yet to see a good side to Narcissistic Personalities.
So what is my point, Self Reflection is key to unlocking and understanding one’s own self. Now I am not going to tell you how to do this because we would be right back at the problem of being a White Knight and the stress it causes in my life.
well I hope you have a good day!
I have always said I will answer any question that I am asked because I am not afraid of the truth. I try my best to avoid the replying back to asshole and stupid question due to time issues and to not give light to bigots. But sometimes somethings need to be said and a defense needs to be heard. So please be warned my reply is not nice on this question but it needed to be done. ***Warning*** I am not nice on the reply……
Q: Well ain’t you the biggest snowflake willing to share your mental illness with the world. Have you thought about killing you if not do us a favor and do it?
A: Well thank you it was such a nice question? First things first I normally don’t take the time to reply to uneducated buffoons. However I have worked hard to achieve what I have and I will continue to strive for more. You are more than welcome to continue to read the blog.
But I think I need to address something you wrote. “Snowflake” wow, you backwards labeled “daehkcuF” if you have any sense in your god given brain you might know and understand I by no means am a “Snowflake”. I am a Transwoman and I know who I am. I know what I have had to survive to get to this point and your infantile comment for me to take my own life. Is Not going to work, you pathetic excuse for a oxigen stealing homosapien. It is time for you to grow up and get a personality. Stop using uneducated terms such as “Snowflake”. If you had balls to call me that in public on the wrong day, I like most women would chew you up one side and down the other. I would leave you a squalid mess on the ground like a baby wanting to suck on its momma’s titty while still in its shitty diaper.
Do me a favor and don’t send me anymore of you hate filled emails. I really don’t have time for you, I have a real life to get back to. But you are more than welcome to continue to read the blog and become educated.
As I have always said I will answer any question. I feel the more people are armed with education and facts the more we no longer need to stay in the darkness of ignorance.
The FAQ has been updated with all the questions that I have had to date with exceptions as to personal advice questions. If I get those I promise to answer you directly then I will choose to ask if I can post your question without your name.
Well as things go I tend to take on projects way bigger than I thought they were going to be in the first place. The next book I am working on called Project Billy is being written online for the most part just like what I did for The Shadow of Ally. My writing style is a bit uniques and might not all make sense as I go along but in the end with help from my wonderful editor they take an amazing shape and I am lucky to have been about to write it.
Well Project Billy has been updated with a bunch of new photos and information. I was so very lucky to really have a talk with my Aunt Barbara in Texas this is the only the second time I have ever talked to her. I am hoping that i will get the honour to do it a few more times. Though in doing so I think it opened my eyes to just how deep the rabbit hole Project Billy is. I am also learning so much about my father, it is such a rich blessing.
Well well well, I am going to be on the Radio on Tuesday the 31st. Launceston City Park Radio at 12ish. So get ready for some fun start listening about then. You can listen to the radio show via their website http://cityparkradio.com/.