Another tears falls

Sometimes taking a stand for what is right casualties follow. When I stepped out of the shadows of my life I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of people who stayed and said they were my friends. Since that time I have learned that change happens and sometimes that change is a good thing. I started to post my disgust with what happened in the banning of the press because Trump did not like them….It quickly turned to a conversation about Gender. I was surprised that an old friend really was not a friend but more of someone who knew me when I was younger. I had thought that this person was wise enough to know what I stood for and where I drew my lines but over time I started seeing posts that concerned me and that did not fit with my personal moral code, but out of respect for our past friendship. I just blocked her posts that way I did not have to see the hate she was saying. Which the conversation turn a sour note and in the end it ended our friendship.
I love history if you did not know. In fact it is something that I am a bit of a nerd about. I am also a people watcher of what is going on around me. I try to be like a duck and let it roll off my back like rain. But once in awhile I speak up when things are wrong. Well I will have to say my voice about the Transgender community has cost me a friend. But I will not support such US hate filled rhetoric to be spoken when I can stand and prove it wrong. 40% needs to change and the only way to save lives is to speak up and crush the haters. Who in the end is the one who loses in the loss of a friend. Not me when I look at all the hate you spill forth, I no longer have to hide you from those I protect.

Month 18 Transition Timeline update

 

Emotional  Development

It has been a good month no weird crying outbursts but some of that is I have started to approach some of my life challenges with a different mindset.

Physical Development

Fat issues time to be honest the high fat diet idea did wonders for my breast tissue, but it wrecked my ability to fit into some of my clothes that I love. So the diet is going but once again it is a fun adventure. Don’t eat that but you can eat this wonderful tasteless green leafy shit, lol. My hips are a bit thicker than I have had in the past so I feel that is due to the hormones. I have not noticed changes in my butt.

Skin issues

I started using products from The Body Shop things have changed a lot this past month. My skin is so soft and it is so nice.

Olfactory senses

If I could breath through my nose I might be able to smell things

Breast Development

Okay I have seen and felt a fuller breast my borderline B cup is now a B cup without problems. I have not had any soreness behind the nipple which has been present for most of my transition. But I am still having the ichy issues around the breast which does mean the breasts are still growing.

New developments

Hair Growth in areas has slowed almost to the point that it is not growing. Facial hair is still having some growth, I will need to seek electrolysis once money gets a bit better. I  have been getting some better sleep this month as well. I changed my sleep schedule this month which is helping my overall health.

This month I have been needing more sleep than normal I am going to bed at 9pm most nights and waking up at 7am. For me in the past 6 hours was more than enough. I thought maybe I am a bit run down with all the crap that went on over the past year. BUt I don’t really think that was the issue. I think with all the changes that are going on I just need more sleep.

What would I do?

I got an interesting email this week asking me the following question “What would you do if you died and got to heaven and God asked you would you like your Body fixed so that you could be whole as a male?”

Wow this was a hard question. The first thing I need to say is thank you for thinking I am going to Heaven. I think it is bullshit that some people assume Transgender people will go to hell. I want to hit them with a bible and say Prove it! Next the word “Fixed” is something I prayed for since I was a little child. But the results of “Fixed” would not to be male. Since I started hormones for once in my life I have not had to struggle with hating everything about me. To me that is a wonderful feeling everyday I take the meds I know I am feeling better. The struggle of everyday life calmed down and I am different person.

So if god asked what I wanted to make me whole I would tell him the following. First thank you for being born in a time where I could be helped to stop the pain of everyday. If you are going to fix me, let me tell what I would like. Sir I would like to have my mind and my feelings match the body I have enjoyed since the day I started to be calm. I would love to have my fixed body to be in tune with what every other woman enjoys. Give me the Flaws, the pain, the joys, the happiness that I have wanted all my life. Please make my body as beautiful as my heart feels.

I think if God Truly knew me, that what I would asking him he would be ready for. I don’t think to many people understand the struggle of Transgender people. But it is getting better as we are learning and growing as a society. But just when I think we are making leaps forward I see so many things being dragged backwards. Sadly it is due to the beliefs of many who claim to be followers of God. Yet don’t listen to him in the stillness of time or even read what he has already said.

My sons Tender Heart is Beautiful

Sometime I am reminded of the beauty of my children. This weekend I watched a movie with my kids. This is nothing new we love movies we search far and wide for ones that most overlook. I thought we found one

This movie was amazing to the point a wonderful connection with my old son was cemented in love. We just sat there at the end looking at each other (I am trying not to give it away)……….When you finish it you will know what we were doing. It was wonderful and why this movies did not get more attention I have no clue. If you get a chance watch it!

Frustration!

Warning this is a bit of a rant because I have had it up to the point of writing about it. When I sat down and wrote my first book I had dreams that it was going to sell and sell well. But I started seeing a trend that has become a bit of a concern that was raised by a friend in the Music Business and that was people love what you are doing but don’t want to pay money for it. I thought to myself Jo (singer – The Sign) can’t be right 100%. When my first batch of books came to my house I was so excited. This was my life, my struggles, my efforts and failures, all in a book. So many people were excited about if being published. That first 50 books was a real struggle to get, I pinched and saved to afford them. I could have found outside sources to help fund that part of my writing. But I did it all on my own. Then when the books came I asked and asked who wanted to buy the first 50 books that I would number and sign them because this was the only time I was going to sign and number books as I had plans to write more.

But as people said “Me… me….me” I had a list of 50 people I was over the moon that I did something I thought and was told I could never do. I started looking at the list and went out and sold about 30 without much effort, five of them are holding for people who could not afford them right away and they told me right up front. But the last 50 became a real fucking struggle to bet the people to pick up.

Here is the problem the Rub you might say. I am a single parent of 3 kids. I Don’t get child support so my income is very small and I am a writer and a student at the same time. I don’t go out drinking or partying. I don’t buy fancy things and I skimp and save to get something simple for me once in a blue moon. I would work at the same time if I could find a job that fits my already super busy schedule. I don’t waste my time on TV or shit. But when it came to my book it was a struggle. I wanted to lift my family out of a tight budget. Those last 20 books could have made so much more for us. But here I am struggling with 20 books that I signed and numbered for others because I trusted they really did want them. But I have learned now never to do this again because what some people say and do are two different things. So this week I gave up on two people and pulled out the page I had written on and sold them to a person who really did want the book.

But them what Jo said came right back in my mind people wanting shit but don’t want to pay for it. Okay I get it to a point, $15 bloody dollars for a movie that is shit and you can always trust what is said on the reviews kills you when it dawns on you you just wasted money. Then what is up with in the US a CD is $5-$10 dollars when in Australia they are sometimes over $30. I get it pisses people off when you can’t afford to support the artist because of the cost. But here I am, I’m not rich and I am not asking a mountain for a book even after a person asked for it. So why in the fuck am I chasing you…..It ends today I am not going to chase you I am go8ing to sell these books and when it dawn on you that I had a book for you and then you want it i am going to say I’m sorry I needed to buy shoes for my kid and to put food on the table. No, I am not sorry you had a chance but you kept saying you had no money. But then you posted on Facebook your wild night out drinking or that wonderful party you had at your house. My kids, bills and food comes first not our friendship.

Sorry for my minor little rant but I am sick of people bitching that people are sucking off the welfare system and not getting a job to help themselves out of the hole they are in. While I am scratching for every little thing I can do to get out of the hole and someone can’t keep their word. This is why I teach my children say what you mean and mean what you say. Have a nice day……..

Dinner tonight…

Did you know that the Cooking connect is almost halfway done…….Why not give one a try tonight and let me know what you think, you might fall in love. It’s a good night to Nachos and you know I have a great Guacamole Dip  recipe!

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