Well here is something that might shock you. In the last two years I have learn of a term called “Uhaul”. What is it you might ask. Well let me put you to ease it is not a self-moving company as you might have heard of. Not that there is anything wrong with them. What it is, is a relationship trait that people do in the LGBT+ communities or is it? So not let me give you the context of it. You meet a person you like said person. So you make your play and you ask for a date and lucky enough for you that person accepts. You both seem to hit it off so it happens again. Then on the third date apx. the conversation turns to when do you want to move in plans “Uhaul”. Now this is not always happening but it is happening enough to make it a subject of tongue and cheek conversation.

Now I must say that while this is out of the ordinary it is not something I would called a bad thing. I would have to say from a personal point, why I don’t understand the mentality behind such a choice. In class today we talked about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I started to look at myself in the view of “Uhaul”, would I make such a risk taking leap of faith. I started to review the pyramid of needs. Then I came to the self realization of no I am not in the need of companionship that I need to rush into any relationship. Now I am not saying it is a bad personality trait to need the kind of 1,2, Uhaul in a relationship. In fact some people have built very successful outcomes from that. But for me personally I just don’t need or want anything like that. What I want is something built on trust and understanding.

Since the implosion of my former relationship of 14 years. I have learned so much about who I am, I am learning that the love I want to have near me is self love. Learning to know that I don’t need someone else to define me, I need me to define me. I have been having conversations with a person to whom if I said the persons name the world around me would explode. So this person and I have looked at what the last 14 years really were and that I because of my own wants not NEEDS lead me to make a very poor choice. We talked about toxicity of relationships and what the impact of hanging in there when I should never have been there. We have not covered the costs of my choices but the top of the Pyramid I reached a long time ago on my own. Though saying I reached the top does not mean that I came to terms with it. I am learning still and learning takes time.

So today I got to talk to a young yet very smart young lady “K”. We touched a bit on Uhaul and she brought me to a small bit of understanding that I had overlooked. I am not a Uhaul type person and I want to have my own personal space. She installed a small spark of deeper understanding that I need my time with my kids and I need it to be “Us”. Because we walked away from the past (*&^^%$%$%&*&)()(U*&^&*%^*^&% (that cannot be talked about kindly). We held each other as we rebuilt our lives and it is “Us” who will survive the storms. Uhauling for me is unfair to another person to come in because of the bond we have. Whoever comes in my life needs to be strong enough to also understand the bond we have. They also need to understand that my issues are still being understood as I sit at the top.

While writing to my pen pal not “K” but the explosion model. That I have come a long way in a span of only 2 years. I love my Brother, two years ago I was a broken person filled with hate and anger not because of being Trans and not being able to do anything about it. But because I am a Human being and I did not deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. My brother at the time did not solve my problems because I needed to be empowered and solve them myself. Sometimes until you hit rock bottom you cannot see the ladder to climb up has been right in front of you the whole time. Until the betrayal took place and I was not at rock bottom. I could not see the ladder in front of my face because the smoke screen was so thick that I was trying to find air to breath. When I hit the bottom I started to reach out and grab hold of anything I could find and step by step rung by rung I look back and see the smoke at the bottom of the Pyramid and I see so much more.

SO why call this post about Uhaul if it was more to deal with the Pyramid that lies in front of so many of us. Well I made a very bad choice because of want not need. I wanted to be with a shadow, a construct, a myth and yeah even a destroyer of worlds. So bad that Need was never considered. SO while I may not understand the Uhaul mentality and that it takes us on that path. I do understand the results of poor choices when Uhauling.

Last thing I want to call to this top of my Pyramid is that knowing what you did wrong and the payment is now due. At least I know what I did wrong and to never rush past my gut feelings. There I was 2002 June. Sitting in a strange house it was dark say about 6pm. We just had our first fight. But then we started talking about Uhauling then something happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks. That gut feeling saying something is very wrong. But instead I listened to my heart saying “don’t worry about that outburst she had at you, pack the house and move to be with her” . Oh such a fool was I, I knew better, I knew never buy the first time the salesman comes knocking, and wait. Take your time go slow make sure that this beautiful soul is not a Medusa.

Facebook Friend Requests

I am always very happy to add readers but if you want to be added. Please send me a message with the request first. Because if I don’t know you I am not going to add you as I have been getting a LARGE amount of people phishing for information. I am not some newbie computer user. I even get people who can easily seen as Trolls when the use names like General George Martin. Then you look at their profile and they have only used FB for two months and have no friends.

I just don’t understand…..

I wonder what it is like to know you might be the most hated president in American History. Not that I want to wear the shoes let alone walk a mile in them. The Hypocritical nature of Trump really boggles me. Then I see people all over the place supporting him and his cronies. I am completely shocked at the treatment of “others”. By “others” I mean people that don’t fit into the mold of right wing Christians who think they are above all others. That unless you contort you beliefs to what they believe then you will not be saved and are going to hell.

I grew up in a religious house most members are still Mormons. I was raised to believe that the church was the one true church and all others were just attempts at the truth. I left because I saw some holes in their structure that could not be filled. They always stated that their leaders were in direct contact with God. This year something really shocked me when that very same church supported the election of Trump. This is why if you believe in God and what he is said to stand for, then why would you support a person like Trump. Unless God does not support what we think he supports. Because if you are in direct contact with him why would he say “Yeah its a great idea, I like Trump”. As a believer I just can’t link the two, it does not make sense.

Then I see the hate crimes and the legal system in the US support them. Some of those hate crimes are committed by the police themselves. Stand Rock and the deaths of unarmed blacks are just a couple. I am not saying that all police are bad in fact I support them. But the bad apples are not being removed are the whole basket is being ruined. Then this week a man was shot taking out his wallet. I just don’t understand.

Time and money is being wasted on the issues of Bathrooms and Transwomen. At the same time Transwomen are being called Snowflakes for saying “WTF?”. When all this time there has never been an arrest of a Transwomen in bathroom incidents, but look at how many republican leaders have been busted….Just saying that all that money is being wasted on such stupid issues when it could solve so many problems. It is also being driven by the right wing Christians. At what point do they think God is okay with their actions?

I just don’t understand what is going on in the US and the rest of the world is starting to question it as well. Then we have these big churches that are raking in the money while really doing nothing with it except lining their pockets.When a teacher of God has a multi million dollar home and drives a car you can never hope to have, are you really listening to the right person?

I saw something this week a so called debate in Australia about marriage equality supported by a company called Coopers. Who are linked to the side who does not support marriage equality. It by no means was a debate, as both of the sides of the debate were from the same political party that does not support marriage equality. Then the backlash of people against Coopers started popping up with people and bars throwing out the products of this company. Then posting them doing so on Facebook for the world to see. But the company is shocked at the response of the community.

What the fuck is going on is the world going crazy? These are just a few of the issues this week that have completely confused me……just saying

Open letter to Mem Fox

Dear Mem,

I hope you done mind me calling you by your first name. I just need to say to you thank you so much for your wonderful books that allowed me to look at Australia in a whole new light with my kids at my side. I marveled at the excitement and the joy in every page that you wrote. The smiles in my children’s eyes and the excitement for every page.

In 2017 I heard what happened when you flew to my home country of America. I was dismayed and shocked at the treatment that you received. I was angered that someone could treat another person the way you were treated. I heard about the bans on Muslims and the treatment of others who’s names even sounded Muslim (ie Ali’s son). But there was never a personal touch that your voice gave it.

I was watching the ABC the other night and listened very closely to what you had to say. I felt a profound sadness, you see my family is a revolutionary family. Let me expand a bit more. Above my father fireplace sits a flint lock that was passed down the family tree since 1806. My mother was a member at one time of the Daughters of the American Revolution. In case you don’t know your family tree has to show proof that you had family who fought for the freedom and rights other every American at that time. Some families gave some and some families gave all. We have family that lies dead on both sides of Gettysburg. My Grandfather was in WWII may dad fought in several conflicts and Vietnam. My dad received medals for saving hundreds lives in Japan after WWII when China took back some islands in the 50’s. My nephew fought in many conflicts. In all of our family we never supported such hate filled actions to which you received. I am proud of what my family gave for freedom. I am sad at the losses we received in doing so.
I cried when Trump, who I will never call my president. signed orders giving such power to do such horrific acts to you and others. I shed so many tears when America lost it ranking as a Democratic country. I cried my heart out when it dawned on me that I can never return home even for a visit because i am Transgender and I no longer feel safe there.

Let me return to the point of my letter. I wanted to write you to say I am sorry for the way you were treated. I know deep in my heart our family fought for something far greater than these monster could ever hope for. Yes I know I don’t have to say anything. But saying nothing to you and hundreds others is just as wrong as doing it. I am drawn to the quote from Edmund Burke “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”. While I can not return home now or if ever, my voice will not be silent.

Thank you for being so brave and saying you will never return and making a stand saying why. More need to voice there disdain at the actions of this so called free state that is nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I wish you all the best, if I could. If time someday allows me to return home for a visit in safety. I would be glad to sit at a table and enjoy a meal with anyone who was treated the way you were because it was not the way our family was raised. It was not what we spilled our blood for….

Thank you,

A. Robins



Is Phobia / phobic the right word to be using?

Websters has the term Phobia listed as:

Definition of phobia

  1. :  an exaggerated usually inexplicable and illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation

So once more are we using the right word for what is going on when we hear people who do not agree with the LGBT+ communities? We don’t see mass groups of people running when I walk into a room. We don’t see people cowering in corns of the office when they find out that someone is gay. We are not woken to the scream “OMG! there is a Lesbian on the TV” There are just so many wrong things that come into mind when I hear someone call another person a Transphobe, Homophobe or even a group of people in that group is Transphobic.

So the question I put forth what would be the correct term for a person who does not like or care for a person in the LGBT+ communities without using the term Bigot. Because to be honest I think the use of the word “Bigot” requires some actions behind it in fact Websters says:

Definition of bigot

  1. :  a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially :  one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

The keyword we can see is the word Devote. Such can be the case of several belief structures. For example the Mormons say it is okay to be Gay but you can do nothing about it and they are very devout in stating this. Westro Baptist Church they scream it from the roof tops. But does the woman or man who does not like those in the LGBT+ communities deserve such a title? On that same question does the person who does not understand a person like me deserve the title?

In fact I would have to say that pointing out that a person is anything other than not understanding is a kin to causing a load stone for us to carry. Yes, we have a right to be alive and being a part of communities around the world. We have a right to be free from persecution on all levels. But at the same time we must practice those same rights for others. So once more is it the right term? I also call into question, is the use of such terms causing us more problems than it is worth using?

Just something to think about when we look at others outside of out LGBT+ community.

Can being Transgender be Beautiful

Now I am questioning this topic after reading another story about Lavern Cox, which was a bit messy. I am not meaning the messy in bad writing, but in the way it missed a lot of what she was trying to get across.

So now here I am asking the same point while trying to get you the reader to ignore the issues of Right or Wrong based on religion. Have we are a society of humanity evolved far enough to overlook such trivial issues and just look at the laws of attraction. Can a Transperson offer a reliable form of employment? Can a Transperson love deep enough to surpass the issues of being Trans? Will both people be able to ignore the “Cisgaze” issues which do happen? Can a Transperson be truthful in a stable relationship? While some of these questions might be a bit one-sided and a bit hard to reflect upon. But if we look at Cis-normative  relationships we see some of the very same questions being asked. So when we review the answer to which might happen, can it work is the at the base of every relationship regardless of belief structure.

Now if we look at the baseline of Beauty these topics and questions are solely subjective to the two people facing each other. The fact being (and I am sorry for saying this) we sometimes have all though “Holy shit that person is been hit with the ugly stick a few times” then sometimes we have even looked at others and thought “Fuck the ugly stick they went for the whole lumber mill”. Then sometimes we have seen such beautiful people that we have thought “Nope they are so perfect they would never want to talk to me” forgetting that we all have insecurities and at the same time others might be very confident in their looks.

Though at the same time as all of those issues are running we forget that even the Transperson might also be judging but on different levels. But much more self reflective targeted. In fact we become our own worse enemies. Asking ourselves such questions that most would never understand until reading this post. Do I need to risk being hurt? Is one of the very first questions we ask ourselves because that very question is  beyond that pain that a Cis-normative person might experience because of the issues of “Would they have…… if I was just normal” this is a very real question we ask. Then we might even look at the issue of our current safe space and say “it is not worth the risks, i am safe while being alone / lonely” I have even caught myself questioning “How will others in their family view the two of us?”. So I sit and admire the beauty in the human form and the wonderful conversations that I have with others. So I work harder on my studies and projects to avoid thinking about the issues of Relationships due to the fear I have as well.

So looking inside my own self I see a very loving person. Yeah right now going back to school does not mean a lot of money is coming in but I am not letting myself rot. When you find a job create one and so I write.I work on my issues of being confident with who I am. I work hard at caring for my children and my own self care.

So we come back to rhetorical question can a Transperson be Beautiful in all its forms? Can a Transperson be attractive? Can others over look the stigma of being with a Transperson? These are only question each one of us need to answer on their own because both sides require great strength, love and fortitude.

Sometime new

As many of my readers might know I have been going back to school. For me this is becoming a wonderful choice for a number of reasons. I love to watch people and how they interact with myself in or around their circles. SO new to all my wonderful class mates I am learning from watching you. This is not a bad thing nor will I ever make it out to be. In fact some of the lessons I am being taught have really opened up my eyes to Male/female interaction. Now I am not talking about Male Privilege what I am looking at is from my point of view how men talk when women are around them.

For example today I was questioning a quest speaker when experienced something that I have seen men do to women quite often. I am not going to talk about Mansplaining, what it is or seems to be is a disconnection of polite conversational skills. This is not an issue of being rude but more of a point of quite possibly hierarchy and the outdated ideals that what a man might say carries more importance.

It was very unusual experience but when I looked at another woman in the room it felt like there was a form of unspoken conversation that took place between the two of us. So much so it felt like she was saying welcome to womanhood with just a look. I think that men don’t know when they are projecting this form of communication. Much like most men might not understand the nuisances of nonverbal female communication. It does not make it right or wrong but possibly a form of normalization through years of male patriarchy. Now all and all I could be 100% wrong, but I can never recall seeing a woman doing this act.

Learning new things from close interacting thanks to my class mates is the openness that some of them have to say such kind “Female Gendered” compliments. Such as “Ally, you look nice today”. In the beauty of the kindness it took me back a bit as not being used to such a compliment from someone I hardly know. There have been other events that have raised an eyebrow or two, mind you all of them very positive.

The school is also in a learning stage when it comes to dealing and talking with Transgender community. In fact it has been done with so much respect that I feel like I am cared for as a person not just a student. I look forward to each week and the new lessons that I am being taught.

Well times are a busy thing

Well better stop wasting them. I am sorry I haven’t been posting much the new books are keeping me very very busy! Cooking to Connect is about 1/2 done and soon it will be taken off my site before getting ready to publish. So if you want to enjoy it right now for free and for a short time you better do it fast.

Much love Ally

Coping with mental health

As I have not been scared to talk about mental health in the past and how it has changed my life and the lives of my children. Something happened and I felt it important to touch on an event that took place this past month. The name is made up but what happened is real.

We will call this wonderful person Ashley because you can’t tell if the person is a Boy or a girl. Now I’ve been friends with Ashley for a long time. Ashley is and will always be an addict. Now before you start thinking drugs the are a lot of things to be addicted to. But in this case drugs is spot on.

One of the most horrific issues thanks to drugs is the mental deteration of a person’s overall mental health. The more the person uses and the types of drugs they use will have adverse effects. I love Ashley to bits, I have picked Ashley up when no one’s else would or could. Ashley has a way of popping in and out of people’s lives.

 Ashley comes as soft as flowers of spring in the morning air and leaves like a shop in a storm on the Cape of good Hope. Over time the storms have started to increase and become less predictable. It is not the same type of storm one normally sees due to standard mental health issues.

I awoke to the smell of flowers one day Ashley had returned. At the time I welcomed Ashley back into our lives with open arms and heart. Over time more social side effects from the drugs that Ashley took in excess became more and more noticeable. The ripples of the storm were staying to form. I began to see the loss of the friend I was so glad to have back rear is head like the dragon that Apple Ashley from is in thistle horrible thing we call addiction. When the waves began most of us were ready to row to shore. But sadly as we watched Ashley could not make it and drifted off to sea.

Ashley is still alive but like some storms Ashley left a bit of damage in its wake. The part of Ashley that knew the lives that would be affected is now gone. Due to the side effects of drugs and what they have robbed Ashley of this normal part of most of us. The that says hey jackass don’t act like that others will be hurt.

So now the friends are left to clean up after the big storm. Which each of us are doing in our own way. We knew the storm was coming this time we were ready for the damage. The storm still hurt but not like it had on the past. Ashley is not able to see the damages that part is also gone. Sometimes as destruction gives new life we will be ready for the flowers to Blossom. Ashley will come back and those that love will be ready with open arms. We once again will be shocked of the losses due to the drugs. But love will be in our hearts good thoughts will be in our minds.

Coping with mental health issues sometimes will never get better but you can become purposeful in your readiness to avoid most of the pain that survivors deal with on a regular basis. Some drugs Rob so much that the addict will never fully recover. But love and hope we can bone together and create hope in a place that when they flower they can return.

Now saying this there are times when cutting the cord had to be done. That is a story for another time. Love and understanding of the mourning process helps. Best wishes Ally