Well here is something that might shock you. In the last two years I have learn of a term called “Uhaul”. What is it you might ask. Well let me put you to ease it is not a self-moving company as you might have heard of. Not that there is anything wrong with them. What it is, is a relationship trait that people do in the LGBT+ communities or is it? So not let me give you the context of it. You meet a person you like said person. So you make your play and you ask for a date and lucky enough for you that person accepts. You both seem to hit it off so it happens again. Then on the third date apx. the conversation turns to when do you want to move in plans “Uhaul”. Now this is not always happening but it is happening enough to make it a subject of tongue and cheek conversation.
Now I must say that while this is out of the ordinary it is not something I would called a bad thing. I would have to say from a personal point, why I don’t understand the mentality behind such a choice. In class today we talked about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I started to look at myself in the view of “Uhaul”, would I make such a risk taking leap of faith. I started to review the pyramid of needs. Then I came to the self realization of no I am not in the need of companionship that I need to rush into any relationship. Now I am not saying it is a bad personality trait to need the kind of 1,2, Uhaul in a relationship. In fact some people have built very successful outcomes from that. But for me personally I just don’t need or want anything like that. What I want is something built on trust and understanding.
Since the implosion of my former relationship of 14 years. I have learned so much about who I am, I am learning that the love I want to have near me is self love. Learning to know that I don’t need someone else to define me, I need me to define me. I have been having conversations with a person to whom if I said the persons name the world around me would explode. So this person and I have looked at what the last 14 years really were and that I because of my own wants not NEEDS lead me to make a very poor choice. We talked about toxicity of relationships and what the impact of hanging in there when I should never have been there. We have not covered the costs of my choices but the top of the Pyramid I reached a long time ago on my own. Though saying I reached the top does not mean that I came to terms with it. I am learning still and learning takes time.
So today I got to talk to a young yet very smart young lady “K”. We touched a bit on Uhaul and she brought me to a small bit of understanding that I had overlooked. I am not a Uhaul type person and I want to have my own personal space. She installed a small spark of deeper understanding that I need my time with my kids and I need it to be “Us”. Because we walked away from the past (*&^^%$%$%&*&)()(U*&^&*%^*^&% (that cannot be talked about kindly). We held each other as we rebuilt our lives and it is “Us” who will survive the storms. Uhauling for me is unfair to another person to come in because of the bond we have. Whoever comes in my life needs to be strong enough to also understand the bond we have. They also need to understand that my issues are still being understood as I sit at the top.
While writing to my pen pal not “K” but the explosion model. That I have come a long way in a span of only 2 years. I love my Brother, two years ago I was a broken person filled with hate and anger not because of being Trans and not being able to do anything about it. But because I am a Human being and I did not deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. My brother at the time did not solve my problems because I needed to be empowered and solve them myself. Sometimes until you hit rock bottom you cannot see the ladder to climb up has been right in front of you the whole time. Until the betrayal took place and I was not at rock bottom. I could not see the ladder in front of my face because the smoke screen was so thick that I was trying to find air to breath. When I hit the bottom I started to reach out and grab hold of anything I could find and step by step rung by rung I look back and see the smoke at the bottom of the Pyramid and I see so much more.
SO why call this post about Uhaul if it was more to deal with the Pyramid that lies in front of so many of us. Well I made a very bad choice because of want not need. I wanted to be with a shadow, a construct, a myth and yeah even a destroyer of worlds. So bad that Need was never considered. SO while I may not understand the Uhaul mentality and that it takes us on that path. I do understand the results of poor choices when Uhauling.
Last thing I want to call to this top of my Pyramid is that knowing what you did wrong and the payment is now due. At least I know what I did wrong and to never rush past my gut feelings. There I was 2002 June. Sitting in a strange house it was dark say about 6pm. We just had our first fight. But then we started talking about Uhauling then something happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks. That gut feeling saying something is very wrong. But instead I listened to my heart saying “don’t worry about that outburst she had at you, pack the house and move to be with her” . Oh such a fool was I, I knew better, I knew never buy the first time the salesman comes knocking, and wait. Take your time go slow make sure that this beautiful soul is not a Medusa.