Choices

Tonight I was at a good friends Birthday party. When someone found a “Trigger” I did not know I had and it messed with my head a bit. The trigger was very simple. But first let me explain the word usage of “Trigger”. The word “Trigger” is used in such a way to say this is going to change my emotional state and not always for the best.

So this person without him knowing asked a question, which to him he did not know nor did I that it was going to cause an mood shift in me. Parties don’t always give you the space to defrag the issues that comes with a “Trigger”. So instead of being rude I pressed forward having a good time until I start to feel a little bit off. So I talked to my friend and said “Hey”. As I got home I started to unpack the emotional response in a self care environment, i went to bed….lol.

When I woke back up I was able to look at his question in a different light. The question was “How was your Childhood?”. Asking a person that simple question was very hard to answer because I could not be rude and say “Hey read my book lets avoid this question”. So being fair to him I tried to say “Hey it was not great”. But repression of the truth sometimes can be a bad thing. But even shortening the issues can also be just as Bad.

Now for the context 1 year ago my mother passed away. Now before anyone says “So sorry to hear that” you might not like my comment that comes back. I let her go out of my life a long time ago. I sat in my bed defraging why my mood had gone shitty. I sat there and thought about my children and how I love them in a way that I did not get from my own mother. I am very attentive to their needs and wants. I work hard at helping them understand that I love and care for them on a daily basis. We play and goof off together as well. We looked at my childhood and all the learning I am still doing trying to figure out “Why”.

I wanted my children to understand that good things can come from bad things. They know of my mum and how my home life was so much different to their lives and that I am here for them. We are not perfect family by any means we are a divorced family who struggles with fighting a “Interesting” battle from the other party saying “Your dad” is, never, made me, and even the did nothing. So we have struggles that are not fun. As the oldest has had to learn that if something like that is said he can ask friends of the family for the truth and look at the evidence (something one of my sisters should learn to do). Then once he gets to a point of having enough information he can make a choice. Then we sit down and work on some self care and work it out in our minds. We learn to hope to see things change but also understand somethings will never change and to find the good things and leave the bad things alone. BTW Divorced parents telling lies about your ex partner will only end up with you looking very stupid. Plus it is not right to do that to a child you claim to love.

So where does this take us on the issue of a “Trigger” well it is very simple if you know where the landmine is don’t step on it. learn that while things were Bad behind closed doors we can find some happiness in those dark times. I still say that there is no excuse for abuse! But would I have ever learned that my self care is music. Yeah I play guitar and I suck at it but it is something I enjoy. I will never be in a band as a guitarist but if those years would not have allowed me to enjoy so many different forms of music, my life would be so dull right now.

So the moral is that it was not his fault that I was “Triggered” it was not my fault as well. It just is…….I am learning to workout those “Triggers” once I find them so that I can put a flag on the land mine and not step on it in the future.

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