I hate my battles

All my life I have fought a war and the battles that are linked to it. I don’t really don’t like talking about my battles with Depression. But this week two years ago I took a long walk in hell. Sometimes I am not really sure if I have reached the other side. In less than five days from now the abuse we suffered hit its penacle. Last year I was a mess during this week, this year feels a little better but….. Just when I think I can sit down and enjoy my life getting better, memories rush in and flood my mind with the happy days. Days that are now lost in pain and heart break. No matter how many people tell you that you are doing better; you are somewhat scared to close your eyes. Because the events replay over and over and I am lost in the views of the destruction of what was something so very beautiful.

About a year ago I learned how to work with my depression and learned ways to find my safe place. Which even to this day I still use it. But now I on working on grounding myself and bringing back my centre. It is a very tought thing to learn. Though once you start working with it, it becomes second nature. Now mind you this does not mean my depression is gone. Oh far from it, in fact I even have to bring out the big guns and borrow a friends drumset from time to time and play Toxicity & Fourty Six & 2 on it until my arms are jello or he is sick of my playing. Though it is very nice to be playing once again. With each drop of sweat that rolls off my body I begin to feel safer.

Then if all things fail I call my back up and have a long chat with Vik. I have my plans in place now where I can defend against the on slaught of self defeating voices. But like I said this war will never end but I will hold the demons at the gate. I will have down days where I need to just take self care. But I will never allow another person to abuse the children or myself ever again because they feel they have a right to. Yes we are doing better….But I take myself care very serious and I am doing better everyday. Maybe just maybe someday I will wake from a memory recall and go back to sleep.

*Please get help if you need it, life is very beautiful even in the dark times. Good people are always there to help if you just ask.

life linemensline

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