Tonight as I watched a movie alone. There was this love scene that was soft and beautiful. I looked at this couple as a bit of reality hit me. I might never know what this feels like ever again. Never to know the soft touch of another’s warm caress, the arms that hold me tight, the soft hand that reaches for mine in the middle of the night.
This is the cold reality I live with day in day out. One could say the cold reality of being Transgender. Sure I hear my friends tell me to get myself out more and meet new people. I really don’t know how or where to do that. They tell me I am an amazing person with so much strength. Yet all I see is a crumbling mound of fear of the unknown. I watch them walking holding hands, enjoying a meal, yet here I sit alone and scared. This is my bath tub filled with water, complete with icy bits of reality.
My Ice bath…….
Well it seems like life is teaching me a few new lessons. With HRT come changes that Transwomen are not told about. So has been the case this month. Let me break it down just a little for you.
It is so hard to find a real good one. One that does not judge and listens to your needs and wants. You may go through a few and it is best to ask around for advice on which ones are safe to work with. I did a lot of looking before this past week settling down and finding one that worked well and listened. I hope this will be a long term relationship because I hate retelling my story over and over again.
Below the belt…. oops Waste line
I started having a new problem this past month and that was my “Parts” below have reduced in size to a point that it is a bit hard to use the restroom even while sitting down accidents happen…. For this issue you might want to make sure what little you might have is pointed downward. Shrinkage WILL happen and there is nothing you can do about it.
I keep trying to throw it away but it seems to want to return a lot. I now am starting to understand Hormones and weight gain a bit better. Some women find it hard to gain while others find it hard to lose. I am at the stage where physical effort is not working as fast as it once did. So enter the doctor for help… Will update later…..
On a side note, Healing
Well there will come a time and a point where a broken heart heals. Mine did this somewhere and I am not really sure. When my ex picked up the kids I did not even give a second look. In fact something odd happened I looked at this person and wondered, Why? Why did I enter a relationship with you.. It was so very odd and strange feeling. There was no malice or ill feelings in fact it was very devoid of them.
Well I know that I am a writer and I need to work on my book. But writers hit speed bumps called writers block. It sucks and you end up beating yourself to a pulp wondering why you can’t get over it. So I started to pull back a little on the writing side and see if I could get a part time job. I have applied for so many jobs and I have been knocked back so many times it is not even funny. This last one I got knocked back for really took me off my feet a bit. I was MORE than qualified for it, I had plenty of experience and yet they still said no thank you. It hurt to be honest, in so much as I went and had a conversation with my good friend Vik. She told me that this is something that needed to be expected. I have a few things going against me, Age, Woman, Trans with kids. It is just a large thing for companies to deal with.
Look I know all about the law and hiring people sure it says you can’t base you hiring off those issues. But believe me they do!…. I am still looking fort a job and I hope to work on the book soon ideas are starting to flow a bit more.
Hey Thanks for reading have a good one…. ❤
******Well this was in my drafts folder instead of being published. Weird I hope I have not just published this one twice, lol.********
The only few things that have been changing is my boobs are still growing, losing weight and hair growth. Not to much more fun. I am in the next few days going to add a new photo.
I was looking at a bit of my history when I came out of the shadows. I can see so much pain that is there at the time. My heart still aches for what others did and how they still believe they did the right thing.
I told one of my sisters this past month that I forgave her but I could not forget what she did. I told her “Goodbye” and requested that she not contact me again. I don’t think I could start to have my heart broken again by her. I am very shocked at how many people lose family due to trans issues. I started to look at my relationship with my family as a whole and the abuse of the past.
The way it still continues to this day just by the hands of my sisters not my mother. I am very glad that I left them behind even though my heart is sad at the loss of them. My Birthday was only nice due to 4 people (my Nephew and my children) Then it was soothed by a wonderful group of very close friends. Who for several days wished me all the best. I dad forgot about me….again. Sometimes I wonder if I am a Ghost to him……
I am on a two week break from the pool as they are cleaning it and fixing a few things. I miss swimming everyday. But my last swim was 1.750km in 1.5 hrs….. so I am hoping I don’t lose to much time in two weeks I want 2 km.
Like I said not much has gone on….