My dear friends…..

“If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so.” – Thomas Jefferson

This is one of the founders of the US. Read it understand it before continuing…..

Now I want to address those who are of the LGBT+ communities and in the US. In 2016 warning flags began to show with the so-called president Trump. Warnings were sounded time and time again. We should have known what was coming with his choice of Mike Pence as his VP. In the first days of his role as president down came the white house page about LGBT+. The erosion continued from there, the attacks on Transgender & LGBT+ rights, combined with the Attacks on Women have sent up new warning flags. In these last two weeks we have seen another attack on the basic human rights for those who are Transgender and in prison or Jail.

So now what you are asking what am I going to tell you. Well I am not asking you to start a war. I am asking to try something different. In the past the US gave protection to people and communities who were in danger through visa’s. There are some countries who offer safe and caring communities. If you are talented and a good person this idea will make it easier to happen. What I am asking you to do is do your research and apply for a protection visa. Yes this is a BIG ask not only for you but for the world. This is creating a huge light on the unjust laws and actions of the US towards its own. I am not asking you to give up on America, you will always be an American, it is in your blood. You might even get denied this request but the more we do it the more people start to question what is going on and it is a voice in the dark. If enough people do it, it will be the first time in American history that people are fleeing its borders.
Yes, this is a dark move. But now is the time and day you need to ask yourself are you safe. Right now this questions answer is a resounding NO! So it is you duty to resist to disobey as one of the founding fathers once said. Doing something that is against the law will place you in more danger, PLEASE don’t do anything that will risk you going to jail.

You might be saying Ally you’re not in the US. It is okay to say what you are saying in a safe country. You are 100% right, I am in a safe place. I walk down the street safe. I have a community that are not LGBT+ who care for me as a human being. I also have a community that are LGBT+ who are strong and care for others. There is nothing greater than being in a safe place where can live and thrive. Can you say that about the US? If you think it will get better let me put a light on that thinking. This is the second year of overwhelming attacks on the LGBT+ communities that combined with the attacks on Women’s Rights. What do you think the next 31(ish) months are going to produce? I promise you the writing is on the wall.

Now lets take a look at the worse case scenario. Right now Trump is under investigation it has been going on for a very long time. Lets say it comes back and he is in very big trouble. He is Teflon and it will not stick even if he is forced to leave the White House. So what then well you have someone worse than Bump-a-Trump. You have Pent-up-Pence a man who is openly anti LGBT and wants women’s rights reduced to what they were in the 50’s if not back to the 1800’s. Sure right now you are reading this and thinking that I might be a little off my nutter. But here is the facts Pence here recently spoke at a University that to this day is openly anti-LGBT. He has supported bills in his home state that attack the LGBT+ communities and he supports Conversion Therapy. A Therapy that has been deemed Pseudoscience by leading organizations throughout the world. Including the AMA ! you know the guys who are backed by medical professionals and scientists. Who do you think will be worse a mad man or a man with a belief structure that religion is not separate from government.
Really quickly think about what my last line was there. Religion that is not Separate from Government. In the US they strike fear into everyone that Islam is a bad thing because it is part of Governments. Is that not the same thing but a different way of believing in the same god while trying to lead a government.

So what if you can’t get out….? Well vote, vote and vote. Look last election you had the opportunity to vote in a person who would have won, but you chose to run with Hillary. Let’s be honest with ourselves she stood no chance. People did not like her and then she stacked the primary for herself to win. People saw this and it changed votes away from her. They may have even thought that they had no where to go, so they did not even vote. 2020 is coming up quick but not fast enough. If you can get out do it! If you can’t then be vocal!

I stopped watching US news this year because it was getting so bad that it scared me. I started listening to other news sources and reading what some of my friends in the US have been saying. I am not trying to fear monger, what I am trying to do is save lives before it gets worse. Hate me for what I am saying, I am okay with that. Tell me I don’t know what I am talking about and that I am just a “Libtard”. That is okay too, but remember this History is a cruel mistress. If you don’t learn from it you are doomed to repeat it. It always starts slow and then in the end you are left wondering how it happened. I never thought I would see the Nazi flag flying proud in the streets of America. My Grandfather and others fought hard to avoid that. But yet here is a president who does not shun it, in fact he supported it. I never thought I would see christian channels in the US tout him and saying he is sent by GOD, but yet they do. I never thought I would see the LDS church support a monster like Trump. But they did and still do. I never thought that the the US would escalate a war between two groups and the world would do nothing about it. Yet look at what his choice to move the US embassy has done. I even had a friend who is a believer in Christ says this is modern-day revelation being fulfilled. Yet all I can see is a monster who does not care for the value of human life and no longer cares.

Well I think I have made my point. I am worried for each and everyone of you. We have seen these monsters before in the past Hitler, Stalin, Nero, Mao and the list goes on and on. They were not sent by God then and this one is not sent by god now. So please be smart and get out if you can. If not speak out and vote. But most of all keep you heads low and out of the gun sights. Do not commit crimes you will not be protected. Avoid places that you have a “feeling” are not safe. I don’;t know what else to say other than I have listened to Pastor Martin Niemöller who wrote the famous lines of,

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

I am a Socialist, I am a Unionist, I am LGBT+, I am a Human, and I have spoken out.

Advertisements

I made the choice

Writing has become a passion for me, something I never thought I would ever be doing. So many stories to write but at the same time some start off with an amazing gust of wind but die as times marches onward.  That is more than okay, I have learned to let go when it is not working.
I was writing my dads story about his life. I ran into a huge problem. The dichotomy of how I was raised and what my family has become is as different as night and day. I have spent so much time and exhausting myself to the brink of collapse writing his story. I was so excited to know all about my father that I did not take the time and look at the cost of finding out the truth. Sometimes we need to learn not to ask the tough questions. Because the answers might be what we were hoping for. my last post was about the truth of those answers and the impact they have.
Knowing what I know about what I have written I did not want the following to just sit on a shelf. As I know that her story and the truth need to be set free. I don’t promise this part of my fathers story is happy. Nor can I say one that is filled with peace. But from the emotions that it stirred and the impact it had as I wrote it lead me to feel it is what she would have said had she been given the chance.
So without further explanation This is my Grandmothers story. Thank you to my Aunts for all the stories. This is also for my father if he reads my blog. This is the best and fairest truth about her. RIP Grandma

I am Comalee Taylor I was born in 1913 to Papa Taylor and my mother in Oklahoma. I guess I am very fortunate woman who at times has had some bad luck, mainly with men. But that has never affected the reality that I have always worked hard. If I had to describe myself I would say I am a lovely Brown haired woman standing about 5’6 to 5’7 and slender built. People have said I am as kind hearted as I am Beautiful. I really don’t see that in myself when I look in the mirror, I am just me. You see I am partly Native American from my mother’s side. My father was an Oklahoman and not a very nice man. I suffered a lot at his hands for reasons I don’t know. After a particularly bad spell with my father. I am really not sure why or how it happened. When I was youngish I was given or shall I say rescued by Grover Robins a man who lived in my home town of Central Home, Oklahoma. All because my father just wanted to get rid of me for whatever reason.
Years went on and I grew up around the Robins family. I felt so loved and cared for by Dad and Mom Robins. Later, I did not mean it to happen nor did Fred, Grover’s son but we fell in love shortly after the loss of his First wife. We were married in 1931, oh the changes that were about to come into my life in such a short period of time I could not have foreseen. Though I always had to deal with a picture of his wife that he lost in childbirth on the mantlepiece. Though it was also said that I am one hell of a good cook. I used to make these pies and set them on the windowsill to cool. The other reason was to make sure Fred knew I was a good cook and where home was. Though there was this one time that some of my pies were stolen. So I called Grover who was the Sherriff in our town to report it. Low and behold it was Fred’s younger sisters who caught shall we say “Sticky” handed with the empty pie tin….Those were the days.

In the 1930’s things were very different for women, even more so for woman like me. We were expected to have children and raise them by ourselves. A lot of the time our husbands were not very helpful or at least Fred wasn’t. In 1932 before our first year anniversary our first child was born. This was one of the happiest times in my life. There she was my little girl Barbara. I did not know that I was going to become a baby making machine. You see Barbara was the first of five children. In 1934 along came Robert our first son. Oh I was so happy at that time in my life. It seemed like I had everything, wonderful children and a loving husband. Then in 1937 along came little Billy. Something was very different about this child. He was a bit sickly at times, there were even a few times I was scared for him. Before I knew it in 1938 Christine was born now I have 2 Boys and 2 Girls. At first I did not really understand that with every child the belt gets tighter and there is even less to spend. I don’t really think my husband understood that as well.

Little did I know it but the world was about to erupt in fire. World War 2 started and it changed so many lives. I think it was also the starting point to the end of Fred loving for me. Fred started working at Kelly Air Force Base building B17’s for the war effort. That was so far away from the children and I, over one day bus ride. I will not mix words things were not great at home. Fred’s dad and mom helped out a lot at this time. In 1942 at the height of World War 2, Fred on a visit home I fell pregnant with “My” last child. I did not know that the dream of loving this man was also about to come crashing down around my feet. I did not know that at the same time Fred was courting another woman in San Antonio, Texas.  Six months later when he came home for another visit and fate played a cruel joke on me. Fred informed me that he had fallen in love with another woman and that he wanted a divorce. I was six months pregnant with his child, I was so angry. I told him that under no circumstances was this child going to be born out of wedlock. That I would not grant him a divorce until then. I was hoping that it would snap him back into reality. But after his news he left to go back to San Antonio to be with this woman. There I was left with 4 children with one on the way, a broken heart and home. I think it would have lost it if it would not have been for Fred’s mom and dad. They certainly were my rock of salvation.

Three months later in 1943 my little girl Shirley was born. She was so beautiful in a very dark time in my life. I did not know that in 3 more months my world would change forever. Fred came home and dealt me another heartbreak. But I was not going down without a fight. I loved Fred so very much how could he do this to our family. I was going to have everything perfect the day he came home. I got up early made sure the house was perfectly clean, all the children were bathed and in clean clothes, I even took a bath in the morning making sure I was fresh. I put on my best dress a touch of Makeup and a dab of the perfume he bought me years before. I was ready, the house was ready, and I even went so far as to put a homemade pie in the oven. He was so very selfish. But when Fred returned home he walked inside ignoring me and everything I did. Basically tossed me out of the house with the Christine and Shirley at only 3 months of age. I turned to the only person’s I ever knew I could trust, Fred’s mom and dad. Grover once again rescued me, he was so very Angry with his son but even he could not change his sons mind. So as a result Grover being the towns Sheriff at one time used his skills in persuasion to tell Fred how it was going to be. That every month I was to be paid $100 dollars to help take care of the children. **Writers note $100 equals $1,690.97 in 2015**

Grover Robins being a fine and upstanding man surprised me that day treating me like his daughter. Drove me and the two girls away as I watched 3 of my children staring at us as we drove off. My heart was completely torn asunder. Grover then drove me a fair distance away as I requested. I could not stand to be near children I would not be allowed to see. I don’t think my heart ever healed from what Fred did. Grover was such a perfect Gentleman the next thing he did was to build the girls and I a home that he paid for. There were many conversations on that drive. Grover told me that he would make sure the other three children would come and visit. Though I am not sure if he really knew what Fred was going to do in the future. I even think that this choice of Fred’s damaged him in his parent’s eyes. I was never really alone, mom and dad robins always kept an eye on me and the children.

In 1944 Grover kept his word to me, I was able to see my three oldest children for a short time. Though little did I know that Fred was about to give me back my oldest Daughter as well. It seems she did not fit in well with her step mother. So Fred in another shocking choice sent his own flesh and blood away. But for me I was very grateful to have Barbara back in my arms safe and sound. I think the only reason he kept Barbara was that he needed her to take care of the boys. It might have been a lot to ask a new mom to take over a family. But I was not that shocked that he gave up on Barbara as well. I was hoping this would also happen with the boys. In the end the Boys had to go back to Fred. Once again another heartbreak thanks to Fred. But all this time I could not stop loving him. In 1945 once again the boys came for a visit, the highs and lows of seeing them come and go. Once again Fred was going to step on my heart all over again. Because that was the last time I would see my boys until they were almost men.

I don’t know what lessons were being taught to my boys by Fred. But somewhere something went horribly wrong. My oldest son Robert ended up getting himself into a real big bit of trouble with the law at an early age. It happened so many times that he landed himself in prison. Poor Grover I don’t think even he could have foreseen this happening. If he would have only sent my son to me, I wonder if I could have prevented the problems. Even in the end Fred gave up on him as well. Robert came to live with me until he found that my rules were a bit too hard for him and he left. His departure was not on good terms. But I never stopped loving him. I did not get to see Robert for many years. But by then it was too late, opps I am jumping ahead in my story. Mom and Dad Robins kept me well informed about what was going on with the boys once Fred stop sending them. But having that much distance between a parent and a child comes at a huge cost. I really did not know my sons and that once again was another broken heart. But I was still in love with this man, maybe it was the dream I was in love with, I really don’t know. In the end the damage was done to a point that it could not be fully repaired.

The 50’s and s60’s were not very good to me. I worked many jobs to keep my children feed and clothed even though some would get married during this time. But I felt like such a failure at one point my youngest needed to go life with another woman because I could make ends meet. I cried over this choice so much and I am so angry at Fred. If he would have only been faithful none of this would have happened. Looking back now I was very lucky that my little girl was placed with a good woman with a kind heart that understood. I tried several times to find a new person to share my life with. Each one falling short to what I thought was the perfect man, Fred when we were first married. Sadly each one of them could not live up to what I though he should’ve been. The last one took me for all I was worth and left me with nothing.

Oh I am so sorry I forgot a very important part of my story. In 1953 or 54ish I got to see my little boy Billy who was now a man. Again I had nothing to go off on who he was or what his life was like. Oh I was so upset, though I was a good and strong Texas woman I was not going to let it show. We reconnected just a bit but in the end it was not enough the damage was done. So much time was lost in fact a lifetime was lost. Though I will never forget his wonderful laughter and his eyes. Shortly after that he joined the Air Force then married with kids of his own. I only pray that he did a better job than his dad. Oh there I go again forgetting something important. I did get to meet two of his children Jody Lynn and Wendy Sue. I really don’t know why, what or how but he was never really all that close. I heard once that he had a third child but I never got see em’. I am proud of my little boy, I always have been.

1982 I fell ill so much so that it wiped my me out and stole what little time I had left. When in 1983 I was in the hospital because I could no longer care for myself. Low and behold one day in walked my long lost son Robert. Who I had not seen since his was a young man and left my home. Who was this man? What had my child become? I was so ill that I could no longer speak, oh how my heart broke that day but in a good way. Sometimes words do not need to be said to be understood. As I laid there in that bed holding my son in my arms the pain of years and errors made seemed to drift away with the tears that flowed from the two of us. When death came knocking I was surrounded by those who loved me. But I longed for my little boy Billy. I took one last breath and then I was gone into the peace of time forever. Still in love with Fred…….

*Well dad I hope you enjoyed this part of you story. I hope others can enjoy it as well.

 

Once removed

A few months ago I talked with a few friends about how I was feeling. There were some new issues that had started to express themselves. I also expressed it outwardly in a few posts on my Facebook page. I needed to come to terms with one of the realities of being Transgender. I was starting to feel more and more alone, not lonely but alone. I am a parent and most of the time I am doing it alone. If a fire happens I am the one the kids look to, if they need care and love they ruin to me as well. That is a wonderful feeling but it does not fill certain voids. For a second I even looked at my six and did a check to see if I was jealous of my ex who found a replacement for my pretty much asap. But then that’s not me, I really didn’t care what she was doing with her life. I just wanted her to leave mine alone. I am going to make sure I was not going to jump into another relationship and possibly end up with another person like her. But then that was not the issue as well.
The whole set of issues were starting to drag me down. In fact it was taking me away from what I loved and that is my children and my writing. My emotions were wrapped up in these issues of feeling alone. I was writing my fathers book at the time and I had to shelve it as he had stopped talking to me altogether. I started thinking what did I do this time and there it was “What did I do this time”. I left a relationship of hate and abuse because someone used to have me questioning that same line all the time. I felt so alone, like I could do nothing right to please that person. Things went from bad to worse and the children and I left. But here I was again feeling those same emotions to the very same issues. I had not done anything wrong and I should not have been feeling the way I was. One of my post on FB had me questioning am I disowned? The answer came back to me I think you are. So I questioned why? I then came to the answer that was looking at me right in the face. They don’t talk to me unless I make the call. This was one of the issues in my previous marriages. Unless I did the foot work, I got jack shit and jack left town.

Being the person I am I needed proof and I needed to double check. So that was what I did. I looked at my journal and to my surprise my parents in the last three years have not contacted me. I even checked the important dates, you know Christmas and Birthdays. There it was nothing. But the emotions that followed the next day was empty. So, I went back and I checked my Birthday in 2014. There it was again people forgot or did not care. I checked my emails no one, so I checked my old FB. There was good friends and other FB users but no one close. Not even the EX.
In 2015 when we left I was seen as the bad person, by my family and some close friends (not friends anymore). Mind you none of them took the time to ask what was going on from my point. When we left and started over. It was my close friends who stuck around. There are a total of Ten, that’s it. Ten of the best people in the world. But once again not my Family. When I did call, I even had to send my back account details to prove I was not the bad person. I thought to myself if a friend treated you that way you would have cut them off in a heart beat. But there I was trying to make someone happy that did not care about me. It was like watching a flashback.

I stepped back and watched, watched and watched some more. What I saw was anything but what I would call love. I am a very hands on parent, I take the time and listen to my children and their needs. We have sit down dinners with no music or TV. Why do I do that so I can focus on their needs. I even take the time and contact my oldest daughter from my Ex. I try to keep in touch with her life. I make an effort I don’t require them to. Now looking at what is going on with my family and the issues of feeling like I am disowned. While in the sense that I am a grown adult it does not matter all that much. Plus I live a half a world away(my choice). So why are these feelings causing such stress. Well it is simple we all want to feel connected to someone. But I looked once again in my Journal and found growing up I was alone from the age of 9 onward until I hit 18. Then I started to look for friends. I made some poor choices….(shhhh not going to talk about those, read the book). But once again I am back at that feeling of being alone. I have wonderful friends but it is not the same as wanting that connection.
I got a letter from my dad this week. It was only 3 sentences long but the context of what was written was easy to understand. Even the words between the lines were crystal clear. He called me “someone”. It was not a misspelling it was clear and I got the point even louder.

So where does this leave me? Well….No where different than I was when I was younger. I spend my time in other pursuits like writing and my children. I have resigned myself to the understanding that I came into this world alone, I grew up alone and now once again I am alone. But now I have my children and close friends, so I am not lonely. I can do alone…..I am not someone!