A few months ago I talked with a few friends about how I was feeling. There were some new issues that had started to express themselves. I also expressed it outwardly in a few posts on my Facebook page. I needed to come to terms with one of the realities of being Transgender. I was starting to feel more and more alone, not lonely but alone. I am a parent and most of the time I am doing it alone. If a fire happens I am the one the kids look to, if they need care and love they ruin to me as well. That is a wonderful feeling but it does not fill certain voids. For a second I even looked at my six and did a check to see if I was jealous of my ex who found a replacement for my pretty much asap. But then that’s not me, I really didn’t care what she was doing with her life. I just wanted her to leave mine alone. I am going to make sure I was not going to jump into another relationship and possibly end up with another person like her. But then that was not the issue as well.
The whole set of issues were starting to drag me down. In fact it was taking me away from what I loved and that is my children and my writing. My emotions were wrapped up in these issues of feeling alone. I was writing my fathers book at the time and I had to shelve it as he had stopped talking to me altogether. I started thinking what did I do this time and there it was “What did I do this time”. I left a relationship of hate and abuse because someone used to have me questioning that same line all the time. I felt so alone, like I could do nothing right to please that person. Things went from bad to worse and the children and I left. But here I was again feeling those same emotions to the very same issues. I had not done anything wrong and I should not have been feeling the way I was. One of my post on FB had me questioning am I disowned? The answer came back to me I think you are. So I questioned why? I then came to the answer that was looking at me right in the face. They don’t talk to me unless I make the call. This was one of the issues in my previous marriages. Unless I did the foot work, I got jack shit and jack left town.
Being the person I am I needed proof and I needed to double check. So that was what I did. I looked at my journal and to my surprise my parents in the last three years have not contacted me. I even checked the important dates, you know Christmas and Birthdays. There it was nothing. But the emotions that followed the next day was empty. So, I went back and I checked my Birthday in 2014. There it was again people forgot or did not care. I checked my emails no one, so I checked my old FB. There was good friends and other FB users but no one close. Not even the EX.
In 2015 when we left I was seen as the bad person, by my family and some close friends (not friends anymore). Mind you none of them took the time to ask what was going on from my point. When we left and started over. It was my close friends who stuck around. There are a total of Ten, that’s it. Ten of the best people in the world. But once again not my Family. When I did call, I even had to send my back account details to prove I was not the bad person. I thought to myself if a friend treated you that way you would have cut them off in a heart beat. But there I was trying to make someone happy that did not care about me. It was like watching a flashback.
I stepped back and watched, watched and watched some more. What I saw was anything but what I would call love. I am a very hands on parent, I take the time and listen to my children and their needs. We have sit down dinners with no music or TV. Why do I do that so I can focus on their needs. I even take the time and contact my oldest daughter from my Ex. I try to keep in touch with her life. I make an effort I don’t require them to. Now looking at what is going on with my family and the issues of feeling like I am disowned. While in the sense that I am a grown adult it does not matter all that much. Plus I live a half a world away(my choice). So why are these feelings causing such stress. Well it is simple we all want to feel connected to someone. But I looked once again in my Journal and found growing up I was alone from the age of 9 onward until I hit 18. Then I started to look for friends. I made some poor choices….(shhhh not going to talk about those, read the book). But once again I am back at that feeling of being alone. I have wonderful friends but it is not the same as wanting that connection.
I got a letter from my dad this week. It was only 3 sentences long but the context of what was written was easy to understand. Even the words between the lines were crystal clear. He called me “someone”. It was not a misspelling it was clear and I got the point even louder.
So where does this leave me? Well….No where different than I was when I was younger. I spend my time in other pursuits like writing and my children. I have resigned myself to the understanding that I came into this world alone, I grew up alone and now once again I am alone. But now I have my children and close friends, so I am not lonely. I can do alone…..I am not someone!