What have I done to myself

Oh Myyyyyy…..

I would not have ever thought I would get back into self defense. I thought I was done with that stage of my life. I should have known better when one of my best friends asked to enrol my children in Jiu-Jujitsu. Here we are two years later and many changes have taken place. Gabriel one of my sons is a Yellow belt in the sport and has moved towards a more aggressive side of BJJ. My lovely daughter is about to exit a younger class in exchange for going to an all women’s club that opened in our town. Hezekiah is still going strong in his club.

Well if you have been reading my blog you have read that I joined a all women’s club on their invitation. Well someone smack me I am thinking of joining a full club as the all women’s club does not do grading and I want to know more (okay another habit). But I plan on staying at the all women’s club as well. BJJ is so different when I sat on the sidelines it did not really click with me. Now that I have been on the mat and have had a few Rolls. I can see the respect that everyone has for each other or at least the ladies do. Yeah I am Trans and they don’t care. So now I am planning out how I am going to do this on my limited budget as I need to get Gabriel a new Gi first and into his new school uniform.

But I am also very nervous about being around new people in close proximity to my space bubble. It is a very strange feeling being openly scared of men. That sense where I used to respond with equal aggression is now gone. I even find my sense of trust at night has changed as well. I guess by joining a BJJ club I want to regain some of that sense of security that I am needing. A few weeks ago I had an event that scared the living shit out of me. I was just going to Grocery store and a guy was drunk and giving me some issues. I stood my ground but when I got home I crumbled and it was so very scary. I miss having that sense of understanding that I am safe. Now I am not safe and I am concerned when I am alone. Though no more going to the store late at night…..

Though good news a book will be released by end of year…..

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