Deep thoughts

I was thinking the other day about forgiveness and walking away. Some times we are faced with the choice of leaving. We can do it in haste or through a long drawn out process. To be honest I have left many things both ways and in the middle a couple of times. But I keep coming back to the reality that walking away can be the best solution. I was 18 the first time I fell in love with someone. But it was not love at all. More like wow she’s a really good looking and a good kisser. But when it ended I simply walked away. There was not pain, anger or even hurt feelings. It was just over. To this day I still remember her name and where she lived. She was a really lovely person.

A year or so later I met my first wife. I look at the feelings of love in a few different ways. Love is to me like a candle. You can buy the really good ones that have almost no smell but seem to last forever and give off a wonderful light. You can buy the ones that have some smell and will last for a long time but they are just for looks without giving any benefit to others. Then there are those candles you buy for birthday cakes that when blown out will relight. Then last we have those candles on the same cake that burn so fast and are done before you know it. Don’t get me wrong none of these candles are bad, they all are purposeful. Candles just like love burn at different rates. Sometimes we are very stupid and hold on as the flame burns us. What have we learned well that is up to you and the time you spend in reflecting on it.

That first marriage was like the candle that burned so quickly and I tried to keep a hold of it and I got burned. I walked away and learned a lot from it. A few years later of being single I met my second wife. I was the candle that burned to quickly and I had a fire that was way to hot. She left and I felt like my world would end. Just like the candle that glows red after being blown out. I learned once more.

A year or so later, I did not learn all that much and I married again. I made a huge error in judgement and with that error people got burned and hurt. So did I, in the end. I did not look at the candle close enough and ignored the warning signs that were there from the start. As my hand was burning I still tried to hold on to this wonderful candle. I figured that with a good relationship some pain must happen. In hindsight that is so very far from correct thinking. Just like a good candle, good love does not cause pain. It will not burn you. Nor does it mislead you with false labels, some saying how good they are. 

As we drove away that fateful night we began a lesson that we had to learn. A lesson that can only be taught by the fire of self discovery. It burned so very hot as we sat in that little shelter that was our new home for 2 weeks. We learned about pain of lost love. We learned about the love that binds a family that pulls together and is there for each other. We learned about who we were as we began a new life just the four of us. But when I thought that candle that was the love of my life was going out three more began to shine brighter than what that tiny little candle ever could.

That was 2015 now we are in 2019 and I am amazed at all that we have accomplished as a little family of four. Yeah things were hard and at times they still are. But we always come back together as a family of four. So, where was I going with all of this. Well time does not heal all wounds and some ghosts are in our lives to lead us to what we do want in our lives. Yeah I see a ghost almost weekly and I have had to learn to live with it. I have leaned to learn to ignore it as well. Because I am surrounded by such vibrant life that is our Children. This time I am right where I need to be in my life and I am so very thankful for that.

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