At an early stage in life I knew I wanted children. In some ways I wanted to be a mum. Nothing more than a mum. As I grew up I made so many errors and none of them lead me to this goal in life correctly.
Fast forward in time…..1995 was the changes but in 2001 I made a huge error I gave up on that dream and it has haunted me ever since. That was until 2006 when he entered my life. 30 hours of labor and then an emergency c-section. Out came this little man who I got to clean up and hold him first. I was in so much love at the feeling of what was going on deep inside. Then 2 more miracles followed. But it was this little man that changed me. It started so fast that I lost track of the speed of it.
I stopped being so damn selfish and started to understand the true meaning of love. I started to understand that my children were my greatest accomplishment in time. I wanted to spend so much time with them. I watched my step daughter grow into a wonderful lady. I even consider her one of my kiddos. We bonded a lot as we drove back and forth to her choir practices. When she was 19 she changed her last name to be mine and it was at this time that I knew I was in heaven. I had four children who I was not going to make mistakes with. HA! I did, we all do, it is part of being a parent. In fact those errors in some strange way bring us closer to these blessings we call children. But only if we own the error and strive to improve.
This week I learned a little bit more about my son (G) who needed to talk at a weird hour (1am). He woke up and came into my room and woke me up and said “I need to talk”. We agreed years ago that I would always listen and that I would always have an open door for them to talk at anytime. I knew by the way he was alert he had been up for some time. Lights off and just us two. After an hour and his last question “Do you still love mum” wow this was a big question that I am sure was what was on his mind the whole time i bet. I told him as I have a few times when he has asked, Yes. Yes, I do love his mum. His reply was unusual “You need to stop and move on”.
I had to explain to him that I was not in love with his mum. I love the fact that the two of us gave life to him and his siblings. I ensured him that love is a very complicated thing. That a person can love someone, but not be in a feeling of needing to be with that person. It is a hard thing to explain but it is a wonderful experience. I also told him that loving a person that you are not in love with is like how I feel about him and his siblings. I love each and every one of them and I want only the best for them. But the love a parent has for a child even is stronger than being in love for another person. We would do anything and give anything to be around them and do things for them. But we are not what people would say Romantically in love with them.
It was at this part in our conversation, I once again knew why I love being a parent so much. He turned to me and said dad thank you for talking to me. I was very concerned for you. I knew what he meant by his statement. He followed that up with “so are you ever going to find someone to be in your life?”. It was at this point that I needed to ensure him that my life is full enough without needing someone to be in that part. It would be nice but I was secure enough with my life that it was not a requirement. There was a deep sigh in the darkness that was unspoken concern from him. We talked some more and I ensured him that if someone special wanted to be a part of my life they would have to understand that my children came first in my life. That resulted in a hug from him.
I turned to him and said I think you should be able to get some sleep now? Yeah I think I can, was his reply to me. So we went into his room and I tucked him in (yeah at almost 13 he still likes to be tucked in). As I walked out of the room in a low voice I heard “I love you, thank you dad” this did not come from him it came from my youngest daughter. I told both of them good night and that I loved them both. I went in and tucked her in once more as well. I received another blessing, a hug.
I remember when I used to get woken up by the sound of a vomiting child. This was much better than the sheer panic of vomit, ha ha ha. It was one the best blessings in my life to have a talk about life with my children. I did not know that my Daughter was listening but once again blessings. I worry about the impact of a divorce on my children. But these conversations helped me see what they are thinking and feeling. I started having this “talkie time” with them years ago when they were young. It has been one of the biggest and wisest choices I could have ever done. They now feel like no matter what the issue is they can talk it out with me. What a blessing….