Day 2 OUCH!

Well I was hoping that I would not feel this pain until at least day 4. But it is proof my luck is not always on my side, lol. I knew it was coming but I did not think it would be this soon. I was ready for it as I planned I had a box of pain relief so at 3 am when it said Hellooo. I was up and the sharp pain was from my eyes to the back of my head. Grab the pain relief and a shower. Yup a shower as I was also having a allergy attack at the same time. I knew standing was not smart in case I fell over so I sat down and let the water drift over me. As the water began to go cold I crawled out in so much pain.

Made my way to my bed and collapsed in a heap of a Towel and human below it. I woke back up at 11:30 a and here I am at my desk with the hang over of a head ache from hell. Still a bit dizzy and cloudy in thoughts.

Last night I also had huge Sugar cravings that were helped by drinking mint herbal tea with nothing added. I just filled my water bottle and placed a tea bag with it. I have not had the energy to aerobics at all yesterday. I don’t think I will as well today as there is very little chance I am going to turn on the music.

Btw if you did not know I am very dyslexic. I am now starting to use Grammarly to help me out and see if this makes my ramblings a bit easier to read. we will have to see. I thought I should just go back and review past posts to see how far I have come in my writings. But I have a few deadlines that I need to keep.

Well, have a wonderful day and if something that sparks my interest I will post later if need be. Now it is back to work, ❤

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Day 1 ugh

Early to bed last night thought about a bowl of ice cream. Yeah needed sleep to stay away. So as it is said early to bed early to rise. Up at 5:30 am. Okay that is not so bad grab water and start drinking. No coffee or Tea (orange tea with a bit of honey) both help me wake up. So now the eagle eye begins looking at the labels of everything I eat to make sure no sugar added. BTW I am not silly enough to go for Fruit Drinks. I will avoid those as well. Bad day though woke up with cramps. I know it will be about day 3 when the no Coke detox will start in and I might get a little short with others.

I have forewarned the kids that I am doing 30 days no sugar. Gosh, my kids are great they have told me that they are proud of me and will help me. Yeah, they will help because I was not able to eat all of the chocolate bar in the fridge. So that will make their day when they get home. I don’t know what to think about this yet. I am a tad bit scared, to be honest about it all. I have never gone without sugar for long periods of time. I have tried but fail at day 4-7. But I have cut out Coke for 6 months to a year. So I know I can do that. I have panadol to help this time.

I will also up the exercise to help burn more fat and keep me busy. I have been given a dead line to finish a part of my current project that I am teamed up with others. That dead line is on the 1st of Feb. That is not that hard to meet but I will work more to keep my mind busy. When the kids get home we are going to go walking short distances to help as well.

I am tracking my weight but I am not going to tell people about it until I reach 30 days. If I can make 30 days I will see if I can make 60. Make a goal with a second one as well.

Have a nice day everyone

One more thing

Well shit, this came in my news feed today from a friend. It is a bit of a read but I would like you to please take the time and read it.

https://www.mediamatters.org/blog/2019/01/10/Right-wing-media-are-inciting-violence-against-transgender-people/222446

I wrote a post last year begging people who are Transgender to get the fuck out of the US. I am once again saying the same damn thing. Get Out! Do it as soon as you can. There are countries that will take asylum seekers. Yes, you can seek asylum look towards Canada. They are far safer than that of the US. Sweden of all places is safer, Australia is safer, Japan is safer and New Zealand is safer. It took six days for the first Transperson to be killed in the US. Six days, did the mainstream media report this? Hell no! https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/01/10/first-trans-woman-murder-us-2019/?fbclid=IwAR0RfaspzC_CJRVAR3LF89MxLtYDpJ2vmJZAJpo27z4ac8MXYM9IvG4a0q4

Please don’t be another number on that list.

If you are outside of the US, DO NOT GO THERE. You are not welcome or safe. Don’t let people try to tell you that it is okay. Let me ask you this are you willing to risk it? I was born in the US and I am not going to risk going back there even for a visit. That says a lot, mind you I really don’t have a reason to visit. Unless it is Disneyland again, yeah……no. The Goldcoast can do the same thing and it is safe there. Look I am not saying that where I live if perfect, but I don’t have to worry about being killed or attacked for using a restroom to pee. There is no nut job in the main role trying to convince people I am a perv, oh fuck the PM is Scott Morrison. Still, he is a toothless dog and will not be in his job much longer. The right wing here while is still trying to be like the US (vomit) is not as powerful as most of Australia is not religious nutters trying to force people into thinking a certain way, oops Scomo…..the pm (ha ha).

Please I really do mean it get to somewhere safe the writing has been on the walls for years now. If you think it is going to get better think again. What is becoming of the US is clear. I for one disagree with the story and think that women who have been elected this past year will not be able to stop the slide, to much has changed.

https://www.commondreams.org/news/2019/01/11/united-states-doesnt-even-make-top-20-global-democracy-index?fbclid=IwAR34dRfIh3Uzc2Jxsu0auDk2VbKCIiYZ0JqsnuiZxCIU-ohUKBrRYuEp5kE

Whatever you choose to do please be safe. This was just a voice of warning, again.

30 days to a change

Well if many people who know me have known. I have struggled with my weight for almost most of my life. It has never been a smooth sailing one year it might be up and the next way down this by no action of my own. I am healthy or at least the doctors say. So I still don’t know why. I am not the only one in my direct family that has had weight issues. My mum was not a healthy person in her eating and that lead to her issues. My dad well mini Chocolate doughnuts and 32 oz drinks (Aussies, these are really big drinks) are his treats.

One of my goals is to cut some weight this 2019 and get ready for Surgery. So how do I plan on doing this? Well, I am going to once again try to cut out added sugar. I will be starting this on 15/1/2019. Heaven help me, this is going to be a battle.

What I am also going to do it is add a post everyday about how it is going and what it is doing to my body. By forcing myself to blog about it I hope I will be able to beat the need for cheats. I am not really looking forward to this challenge. But I need change and if you want something bad enough you will find a way to do it.

So today being the 14th I am going to enjoy my last bit of chocolate that has been in the fridge for sometime. I might even get a Coke and drink it ice cold (Coke is the Bane to my Batman). Water and I have a love hate relationship it loves me but I hate the taste of nothing. Lemon helps but I don’t have a tree in the back yard to get some. Plus I hate giving the stores money from something like a lemon. So as when Tuesday starts I will be able to proceed on the challenge.

Keep me in your thoughts please I am going to need it.

Children…

At an early stage in life I knew I wanted children. In some ways I wanted to be a mum. Nothing more than a mum. As I grew up I made so many errors and none of them lead me to this goal in life correctly.

Fast forward in time…..1995 was the changes but in 2001 I made a huge error I gave up on that dream and it has haunted me ever since. That was until 2006 when he entered my life. 30 hours of labor and then an emergency c-section. Out came this little man who I got to clean up and hold him first. I was in so much love at the feeling of what was going on deep inside. Then 2 more miracles followed. But it was this little man that changed me. It started so fast that I lost track of the speed of it.

I stopped being so damn selfish and started to understand the true meaning of love. I started to understand that my children were my greatest accomplishment in time. I wanted to spend so much time with them. I watched my step daughter grow into a wonderful lady. I even consider her one of my kiddos. We bonded a lot as we drove back and forth to her choir practices. When she was 19 she changed her last name to be mine and it was at this time that I knew I was in heaven. I had four children who I was not going to make mistakes with. HA! I did, we all do, it is part of being a parent. In fact those errors in some strange way bring us closer to these blessings we call children. But only if we own the error and strive to improve.

This week I learned a little bit more about my son (G) who needed to talk at a weird hour (1am). He woke up and came into my room and woke me up and said “I need to talk”. We agreed years ago that I would always listen and that I would always have an open door for them to talk at anytime. I knew by the way he was alert he had been up for some time. Lights off and just us two. After an hour and his last question “Do you still love mum” wow this was a big question that I am sure was what was on his mind the whole time i bet. I told him as I have a few times when he has asked, Yes. Yes, I do love his mum. His reply was unusual “You need to stop and move on”.

I had to explain to him that I was not in love with his mum. I love the fact that the two of us gave life to him and his siblings. I ensured him that love is a very complicated thing. That a person can love someone, but not be in a feeling of needing to be with that person. It is a hard thing to explain but it is a wonderful experience. I also told him that loving a person that you are not in love with is like how I feel about him and his siblings. I love each and every one of them and I want only the best for them. But the love a parent has for a child even is stronger than being in love for another person. We would do anything and give anything to be around them and do things for them. But we are not what people would say Romantically in love with them.

It was at this part in our conversation, I once again knew why I love being a parent so much. He turned to me and said dad thank you for talking to me. I was very concerned for you. I knew what he meant by his statement. He followed that up with “so are you ever going to find someone to be in your life?”. It was at this point that I needed to ensure him that my life is full enough without needing someone to be in that part. It would be nice but I was secure enough with my life that it was not a requirement. There was a deep sigh in the darkness that was unspoken concern from him. We talked some more and I ensured him that if someone special wanted to be a part of my life they would have to understand that my children came first in my life. That resulted in a hug from him.

I turned to him and said I think you should be able to get some sleep now? Yeah I think I can, was his reply to me. So we went into his room and I tucked him in (yeah at almost 13 he still likes to be tucked in). As I walked out of the room in a low voice I heard “I love you, thank you dad” this did not come from him it came from my youngest daughter. I told both of them good night and that I loved them both. I went in and tucked her in once more as well. I received another blessing, a hug.

I remember when I used to get woken up by the sound of a vomiting child. This was much better than the sheer panic of vomit, ha ha ha. It was one the best blessings in my life to have a talk about life with my children. I did not know that my Daughter was listening but once again blessings. I worry about the impact of a divorce on my children. But these conversations helped me see what they are thinking and feeling. I started having this “talkie time” with them years ago when they were young. It has been one of the biggest and wisest choices I could have ever done. They now feel like no matter what the issue is they can talk it out with me. What a blessing….

Deep thoughts

I was thinking the other day about forgiveness and walking away. Some times we are faced with the choice of leaving. We can do it in haste or through a long drawn out process. To be honest I have left many things both ways and in the middle a couple of times. But I keep coming back to the reality that walking away can be the best solution. I was 18 the first time I fell in love with someone. But it was not love at all. More like wow she’s a really good looking and a good kisser. But when it ended I simply walked away. There was not pain, anger or even hurt feelings. It was just over. To this day I still remember her name and where she lived. She was a really lovely person.

A year or so later I met my first wife. I look at the feelings of love in a few different ways. Love is to me like a candle. You can buy the really good ones that have almost no smell but seem to last forever and give off a wonderful light. You can buy the ones that have some smell and will last for a long time but they are just for looks without giving any benefit to others. Then there are those candles you buy for birthday cakes that when blown out will relight. Then last we have those candles on the same cake that burn so fast and are done before you know it. Don’t get me wrong none of these candles are bad, they all are purposeful. Candles just like love burn at different rates. Sometimes we are very stupid and hold on as the flame burns us. What have we learned well that is up to you and the time you spend in reflecting on it.

That first marriage was like the candle that burned so quickly and I tried to keep a hold of it and I got burned. I walked away and learned a lot from it. A few years later of being single I met my second wife. I was the candle that burned to quickly and I had a fire that was way to hot. She left and I felt like my world would end. Just like the candle that glows red after being blown out. I learned once more.

A year or so later, I did not learn all that much and I married again. I made a huge error in judgement and with that error people got burned and hurt. So did I, in the end. I did not look at the candle close enough and ignored the warning signs that were there from the start. As my hand was burning I still tried to hold on to this wonderful candle. I figured that with a good relationship some pain must happen. In hindsight that is so very far from correct thinking. Just like a good candle, good love does not cause pain. It will not burn you. Nor does it mislead you with false labels, some saying how good they are. 

As we drove away that fateful night we began a lesson that we had to learn. A lesson that can only be taught by the fire of self discovery. It burned so very hot as we sat in that little shelter that was our new home for 2 weeks. We learned about pain of lost love. We learned about the love that binds a family that pulls together and is there for each other. We learned about who we were as we began a new life just the four of us. But when I thought that candle that was the love of my life was going out three more began to shine brighter than what that tiny little candle ever could.

That was 2015 now we are in 2019 and I am amazed at all that we have accomplished as a little family of four. Yeah things were hard and at times they still are. But we always come back together as a family of four. So, where was I going with all of this. Well time does not heal all wounds and some ghosts are in our lives to lead us to what we do want in our lives. Yeah I see a ghost almost weekly and I have had to learn to live with it. I have leaned to learn to ignore it as well. Because I am surrounded by such vibrant life that is our Children. This time I am right where I need to be in my life and I am so very thankful for that.