The new me…

Image result for closed door

I know sometimes it looks like I have my shit together. But in all honesty, I am just like so many others. I have many a bad day with questions on how to live in a new world. One that I seem very ill equipped for. Being out of an abusive relationship for four years now and each day is a step forward to reclaiming a new me as an old me is gone, is a bit hard at times. I know it might seem like I am a bit aloof but there is just so much to take in on this new world. I do it in small doses to process it all. Someday if I write part two of my life I think that will be the one that might just be the most emotional.

That will be the one where I try to explain just what it is like looking out and trying not to be like the 12 year old kid I once was. The kid who did not know what the future holds. The 12 year old kid who got lost in others eyes but had no clue what to do past that point. So it was safer to retreat to my room, but now my house and a computer screen where I can write away. I really at times think this is a new way to watch the world pass by as I don’t know what to do in it or where my place is.

I am really okay with that. But that is the part I don’t like…

Two Deers on Green Grass Field

I sometimes wish I could once again know how to talk to people I am attracted to. But I find myself asking close friends “What do I do” still feeling like a 12 year old kid. I have tried in the past but that is where I become like a new born deer stumbling while trying to learn to walk. I guess one could call it a duplicity of being me. No one would really expect me in a personal setting to be very “Shy” I must look like I am a Doe eyed deer. One who looks like they are trying to decide if this person I can see wants to eat me or just let me be beautiful.

In a way this innocence is wonderful and new. I am part of a community that I know very little about. One who’s honesty is refreshing and enjoyable. They really hide nothing when you get to know them. But I am one who looks at them and is confused to the core about being attracted to someone. Where does the new safe lie? Or is that a dream of the closed door? Would, could or should someone understand the crazy world that is my life. Could they handle me?

I don’t want to end up in another abusive relationship it really does scare the piss out of me. Hell, waking up at three in the morning because there are two or more events that seem to have found a time to reside in my memory and like to beat down my walls when I sleep (they can all piss right off). To just wake me up with nightmares causing me to have to self comfort must be the biggest turn off for others. So yes, I am flawed but I am an adult and it took a long and winding road to get here. There were potholes and speed bumps that left this car a bit pitted on its paint job.

It really is confusing what to do when I look at someone and think I am attract to you… But then I once again close the door because it is safer here. Will there ever be a time where I can be strong again and take a risk? I really don’t know, these feelings are very magical for a 12 year old kid. But when you are (50) not so. I would love to ask a person I find attractive out.

So how about we get a cup of coffee?

Two People Holding White Mugs

Right Now

Yup it is school Holidays and I am enjoying time with my kiddos. So making Podcasts hit the back burner until Friday when I can record a few shows. But please take the time and enjoy some of the older ones. But here is something to watch and learn from.

Lets get it strait there is NO such thing as Transphobia or Homophobia, we need to call it what it should be called. People are just assholes.

Well I did not expect this…

Over the holidays as with every year my children and I open our home to others. We do it for anyone who might be doing it hard or not have a place to call home or just some one who could use a good feed. Why do I do this? Because I really do care about my fellow man.

I also made a post on this blog about crisis lines and asking others to be kind. Why did I do this? I have once sat at Christmas time alone feeling the lack of love in my life and it was a very empty time. I know the dark feelings of being in that place. I wish it on no one. So my post was done with love, kindness and compassion.

I did not expect to recieve a reply to my appeal for a better holiday season. With a person sending this to me.

” Yet for all your advice about kindness, you happily appropriate womanhood, with absolutely no consideration of how women might be affected, of how women might feel about this, of how women might be disadvantaged. Your lack of kindness, your entitlement, your selfishness, your fetish, are all male. “

Now I have faced attacks from people in the US before and this really did not shock me. What did shock me that this person chose to do it when I was trying to give numbers for people to reach out if they were in a dark place. It was also a post about being kind to one another. I feel very sad for the person who read this and thought, I should launch an attack on her. But the timing was also very poor and to think what a post to reply to on at the same time.

Now I did ask on my FB for people not to attack her with rude comments. We are better than that. I am also asking on here if you read this as well. If you don’t have anything kind to say, walk away. It is very simple and hurts no one.

To the writer of the comment, Putting your name our for everyone to see might not have been your best choice. So my advice is to remove your post as being that unkind to others will do you no good. In fact, people lose their jobs for acts of hate and I would hate to see that happen to you. If you want to learn ask questions on any of my platforms and I will reply. But I will only provide you with scientific facts and links. I will not engage with you in an argument over Dr. Google crap. You might be able to find 1 or 2 pages saying things to support your ideals. I have mountains of evidence and a lot of it is really cool to read and learn from.

In the end it is your choice learn or continue to live in ignorance. I wish you only peace, love, and kindness in the coming year that you deserve, equal to the love and compassion that you show towards others.