Time to learn

Now I know I have said it time and time again and I really do mean it. I don’t buy into the term Transphobia and Homophobia. I call it what it is being and Asshole. I am attaching a video that I watched and learned from. I support her on 90% of what she is saying and I think many can learn from it. I will leave out the reasons for my 10% disagreement as if you know me then you will know why I disagree. But in say that I share for the 90%.

BTW If you don’t want to date a Transperson I am okay with that. I cannot date a super skinny person they scare me (not a lie). I am not Skinnyphobic and you are not Transphobic. Unless you start attacking my existence then you are an asshole.

*The Choice* has new News

I enjoy writing when the bug has me. I can sit for hours just letting the words flow. Right now I was very concerned with making the Choice a Saga style story. But the more and more people started to reply with their opinions on the book I started to think this is going to be fun. Writing takes time and linking one story to another is not a very easy task.

With that said I am working hard on the next book in The Choice Saga. Right now I am 10k in words and chapters are all set out. It is a good time to buy The Choice as you might not want to play catch up when I release the next one. I will keep you informed on the progress of the second book.

I thought I knew

There once was a time I thought I knew what it was to be discriminated against. I had seen it so many times in the US. I thought I knew what racism was. This as well I saw it more times than I liked. I thought I knew what hatred was. I did not know much looking back.

Those things being said should shine a light on to so many people myself included, I thought I knew. But it was not until I stepped out of the shadows and told the truth about myself that I really had an awaking so to speak. When I was born I won the lottery I was a White Male child born in the USA to a middle class family. This was not the place to see that you were going to face the dark side of humanity. Some of it was my father was in the military and he did not stand for that kind of shit. In fact if you tried you were going to be in for a RUDE awakening. But that appeared not to equate to those in the LGBT spectrum, or at least it seems that way.

I was brought up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My time in the church was more like a roller coaster ride. There were times that it did live up to the hype it brought with it so many dreams that later in life it could not live up to. Now before we go any further. I am not here to bash any belief structure it is their right to believe how they want. As long as it is not shoved down my throat or interferes with my life. I do believe in a power greater than myself a “God” so-to-speak if you would like. But I do not fall on my knees and beg for anything. But we do say thank you at dinner for all that we have. Because I have seen first hand those without.

Now that was said lets move on. As I was saying I thought I knew. But I really did not. In the church I went to there are not many in powerful leaders in the church who are black, Hispanic or anything other than white and there are ZERO LGBT people in them as well. As time marched on there were token spots of colors, maybe one or two. So I also lived in a town where when the University was out those of color was not seen to a point where you would notice. Or would you? I remember my dad befriending a family who moved to our small city and they were a mixed race family. They really were not given a fair go by the town in fact they left within two years because of all the problems that were caused and aimed towards them. But my dad was kind and fair to them to the point of friendship. This was how racism in our family was, it did not matter the color of your skin we all bleed red.

Now, I thought I knew…

When I stepped out I lost 75%-90% of those who I thought I knew and loved. I was even outed by my own family to others I had chosen not to tell at the time that I stepped out. Their reasons to them seem right but to anyone in the LGBT+ community we would all say WTF. It did not change the fact of who I am at that time. Though it did break my heart and was a huge slap in the face. But even at that time I thought I knew…

Now years later (3-4) I am starting to understand that I knew very little about discrimination. I did not see it and I did not feel it until I stepped out of the shadows. A couple of days ago I was faced with it once more. But this time was different. I was not expecting it. You see when I take the time and need to go into town I clean up well and can pass (if you don’t know what this means, ask me). As I was waiting for my Uber I saw this nice new Harley pull up and I told the rider “Nice Bike” because it was. Sometimes it is nice to hear kindness and that was exactly what I was doing. The guy even said thank you. But he could have just left it that way both of us feeling good about our choices. But as he was about to turn the corner and go into the store he said “You’re a Boy not a Girl a Boy” I was shocked. After all this is this is Tassie most of the time people who don’t know or like, say nothing. But what was even more shocking was the fact that he was okay to say thank you about me telling him he had a nice bike. But was to cowardly to tell me to my face about not liking me. I am not angry in fact it was one of those things in life that you do a double take and think did I hear him right? But I did and I think to myself that not everyone understands or likes some people are even so narrow minded that they hate what they don’t know. Hell, we even have JKR who once stood for all attacking the Trans Community.

Now I am starting to understand discrimination in far to many ways. From people who throw a tissy fits about bathrooms or those who stare at you from time to time. Sadly then there are the issues when looking for work. Yeah I know it is against the law anyone with a half of a brain can get around those laws. HR companies do it all the time and it is a shocker to many if you only knew the truth. Part of the reason I have a problem with people who say they are Christians with their mouths, but are no where near it with their hearts. It tends to be a bunch of lip service. I did not know this guy nor will I remember him if I ever see him again. Does he matter? Only in the context of this post and talking about it to some friends but after this, no. Why because it says more about him than it does about me. Just like my father and the family story it says a lot about my father. I wish it would say a lot about my father and the LGBT+ communities. When it comes to my sisters it says a lot about them as well. Can we change them, no you cannot. Change has to come from the person inside. I think the only reason my parents joined the Mormon church was it provided a better outcome for a future for my family than the road we were on. But that is a story for another time.

Yeah it hurts to a point if we let in. It is also very sad that so many people have problems that they need to say negative things to others to make themselves feel good. Or those who try to justify outing someone. Or even those who say you are welcome here but don’t use that restroom you have to use the disabled one. Or even the school who says the same thing. You would think in 2020 we as a society as a whole would understand more about science than we did in the 1600’s. But with the continued failures of Education we don’t and our children are paying the price.

If you look at a 3000+ year old book and toss out science that is tested and factual you end up with problems. We are in a point in history where the smartest and strongest are not the leaders of society. For example Trump this man is an Idiot and one hell of a conman. But right now in the US there are people who have said that is has been sent by god. He hates everyone who is not him. But I better stop before it looks like I am just out to be on a soapbox.

So in my last point I ask the following question that you might really want to look at. It is not a comfortable question and not one that can be answered in haste no matter what your color of skin is or who you believe in. I say I support #blacklivesmatter and #IamAntifa, not because I have a history with both. But because we are not supposed to be here at this time in history. We should be miles ahead reaching for the stars or solving the mysteries of the universe. But we are stuck here looking at a problem that should have been solved 50 years ago. But we are still looking at 3000+ year old books and rewriting history to fit our shallow thoughts. Our hate clouds out judgement, instead of our love leading us to understanding. So think about this question and see where it takes you.

Do you really understand?

Something to think about.

I love and support #freemomhugs @freemomhugsOK

About a year ago my youngest daughter was in complete tears just before dinner. It was so bad that I could see on her face a look of terror. One of a child who is lost and confused in life. So we sat down after a few hugs and telling her everything is going to be okay I will listen as she talks. We sat in silence for about 5 minutes as she regained her composure. I was doing all I could to not cry as my daughter was trying to be strong.

In a soft and kind voice she told me that she was Bi. I looked at her and said “okay, so?” I know that she was not ready for this simple answer but to be honest nothing more could be said. It did not need to be said. I walked over to her and gave her a hug and told her I loved her. It was right then and there she asked me not to tell the other parent. Okay I was not going to in the first place. Not like it coming from me would help anything between the two of us. She was concerned that the other parent would be unkind to her. I could not argue with her, it was a concern of mine as well. But this past week my daughter told the other parent and it went okay. (Phew)

I watch so many parents get it wrong all the time. I see and hear the fallout of their actions and not the actions of the child. Children disowned, hated and even kicked out of the house before they were 18. I said it once and I’ll say it again. If your child gets more love and compassion from a strangers hug, then you are not a parent you are a donor. With the responsibility of children comes the ups and downs of their lives. Yes, we all make mistakes some we are unwilling to accept. But they notice and they will remind you in different forms. This I know all to well.

Last thing I want to say on this is that it is none of anyone’s business to whom you are attracted to. You don’t ever have to tell it to people. Live your life the best you can. Get your education! Then find someone who is right for you. Others have to adjust to your life. If that life is with someone of the same gender than if they love you it is alright.

Love is love and it does not matter who is in your bed or holding your heart.

Reality Check

I watched a video last night by a stunning Transwoman. A person that I could say would pass at a high 98’s % of the time. She was really having a hard time with life and dating. She said it is something our community needs to be clear on with others. That being should you choose the path of being open and honest with everyone you need to be aware that you might be single until you go to meet your maker (you know kick the bucket).

This is something we as a community we don’t talk much about it. Finding someone to love or that will love us is very difficult to do. We reside in a middle ground of you are not a cis-man or a cis-woman. It is the most basic of built in instincts that we all have and that is to make another life. Yes, I know that there are those out there that do not want children. BUT the rules still apply when you look at a possible mate this is going through your head even if you deny it. What most Trans people are asking (but not saying) is look at me I am a good person just different. A lot of people cannot do that, it is not bad on their part. Or even that god forsaken word “Transphobic” it is just a reality of the above.

Then there is the darker side of this reality. What happens is that some of the time we are viewed as a fetish. Or even worse something they want to just try. But then there is a huge peer pressure that you (The Transperson) might not see. Something that we don’t hear when our backs are turned (What you could not find a real girl?). Or even worse and that hurts the person we want to find us special.

You fear that you will never find that someone who is able to look deep inside of you to see the diamond that you are. I would love to say that this is something that will work itself out in time. But as a person who prides myself with being bluntly honest. It does not always workout that way. This is one of the hardest parts of Transition. You need to be in love with whom you are. Deep inside and on the outside even with all of your imperfections. If you are not able to do that then how can you expect someone to see the diamond you feel like? It may take years to find that love in yourself. It may even be something that you currently cannot see.

We also need to learn to be strong with the understanding that we might never meet someone again. It took me a long time to go from I never wanting to be with someone after the hell I went through. To where I am now thinking it might be nice to have someone in my life. I was so angry with myself for allowing someone to abuse me for so long. It took time to review 14 years all the ups and downs. Then once I found that spot in my heart where I could place those years. I needed to look at who I have become. When you start in a relationship and it lasts for a long time, it will change you. Then you need to take time to find “you”. This is healthy because when you start loving yourself you create a different way people will look at you. Rich or poor it does not matter if you don’t love you, no one else will.

Now I am not saying that once you are able to love who you are that someone will pop into your life. It does not work that way, and it never has. Or shall I say if it does RUN! Just kidding. Taking the time to meet others is the hardest step in Transition. It is that point where you have to put yourself out there for everyone to see. Some will not like you and that is none of your concern. You will never change their minds, they have to do that on their own. Some will think you are a sexual object. If you are okay with that then roll with it. If you are not just keep swimming.

I have sat at home thinking “When” or even “If” I will be with someone. But I got to that point now where I can say “It would be nice” but I have learned to be okay with being single. I know a person that confused sex with love and lost the greatest person in their life because of their confusions that were wrapped around it all. It was so very sad to see what that person became in the end. They gave up everything to drive someone away and in the end they lost what was so special about them. You never measure yourself by who shares your bed.

Surprisingly you can do it. It may seem hard at times. But to be honest with you, it really is hard. But nothing worthwhile is ever easy, just ask the diamond. I do wish each and every person who reads this blog all the best. I’ll leave it here. To the young woman who sparked this post. You looked simply beautiful I hope a bright future for you.

I am Outspoken

I lost out on a job that I thought would be an excellent fit for. The reasons is that I was a bit “Outspoken”. I am okay with being “Outspoken”. At least you know what you get with me from the word go. I don’t hide behind belief structures that destroy lives. I don’t waste my time with those who can’t understand the beauty of life. I have even walked away from members of my family. When they believed my abuser rather that believe me. There is no excuse for abuse! But hey that is their choice and their loss. Yeah it hurt and still does. But I am Outspoken!

I live my life very simple I don’t need designer labels to make my life complete. My life is filled with the hugs of my children and their friends. I will sit with anyone on a bus! I will give more than I have to support a friend who I love and care about. I will break bread with anyone! Yeah I see your color and I think it is beautiful beyond words. I see you sitting as others pass you by I keep a $20 in my bag just for you (I wish I had more). I cry when I see so many people hurting others because they think it is their right to do so (Shame on you JKR). I cry at every life that is lost just because they were Trans. But I am Outspoken!

I stand up and say I am sick of Racism. I stand up and say proudly I am Antifa. I remember that my family gave so much over so many Wars so that I can say that (long live the Heroes who gave all)! I believe that Black Lives Matter! (I am not white don’t mistake the color of my skin for being so) I love to see when children don’t understand the colors of life (it warms my heart with hope). I never flew the flag of the Traitors or the Flag of the Nazi’s. It makes me sick that I see both of those alive and well in the hands of the generations of those who gave them their future. I think the thin blue line needs to be broken in the US. I am a good person, I expect the police to be better than I am. But I am Outspoken!

I am Transgender, I am okay with that. I don’t care what you are as long as you are a good person. I don’t believe in the terms Homophobia & Transphobia. You just are an asshole no branding it anything else will change that. But I believe you can change, but that is your choice. But I believe in the term BIGOT! (If the shoe fits wear it.) But I am Outspoken!

So if I lost out on a job because I am “Outspoken”. At least you know who I am and I will not let you forget it!

Please take the time and watch.

Her title does not do justice to what is being said and how she is replying. I love to support positive stories and comments about my community. So many in my community are trying to change how the world views us. Please take the time and watch this video and if you can please put a like up for her.

I have an answer for everything, lol

I don’t promise you will like it. Below is a reply to a persons question that I was faced with. What you don’t see is the start of the conversation which was about Man and Woman being the only two genders. We talked a little bit about it. Then they asked me this.

“Why would people wish to transition from one sex to another?” Let me answer that for you so that you might understand.

If you were born colorblind never knowing what green grass looked like. What would you give for that chance to enjoy what so many take for granted?

Now for one more miracle. What if you were born deaf never knowing what the sound your baby will make? The sound of your loved one’s voice. What would you give if someone could give you that ability?

Let’s do it again. What if you could not walk but someone gave you the chance to do so? What would you give?

Now pull your head out of your ass and look at the Tran community who all their lives have dealt with their Body and Mind not matching. The self-doubt the internal struggles. The hate they see on a daily basis. Even some of their heroes like JKR say horrible things. What they have given to come close to that beautiful moment of peace is more than words or videos can really express. So why would they change knowing the Biology cannot be changed. The same reason the Person put on the glasses, the same reason a person gets the implant to hear. The same reason the person walked. We do it to live! Life is more than biology, we are more than the sum of our parts.

If you believe in a god and it does not matter which one then open your eyes and really look at what is being said about life and the lives of others. If you find hate and divisiveness may be something is wrong? If God created all of us, then he created ALL OF US. With our physical flaws and challenges. 100 years ago none of the above could have taken place. Those wonderful people involved in science and those who seek for solutions to better the lives of others have changed the world. Who are we to argue when they save our lives, give us eyes to see with, ears to hear with, the skills to walk so why is it so hard for so many to allow the Transgender community to live a good life?

The person then talked about Women Only Safe places and Women’s right being reduced because of Transwomen. I did get a little heated at this point. Here is my answer.

Do you think about your safe places? When every year the Trans community counts how many have died due to violence directed at them? In some countries, there is NO safe space for them. Do you really think any of the Trans community wants lesser for those that they identify as? That would make no sense at all. But yet I read time and time again people attacking or trying to hide their attacks (just like JKR).

It started when I was 10

What most people in my life know very little about is that all my life I have suffered with chronic pain. I do not have MS and my knees are for all visible appearances are in okay of shape. I have over the years had x-rays enough that should make them glow. I have had blood test that vampires have had a meal or two.

Over the years it has been getting worse. This year I came to the understanding that I have a new and close friend my cane. I spent hours after buying it in tears. Understanding that I am losing what is and has been something I knew would be coming. I am more scared for the future of my ability to walk.

I don’t talk about my fears much with people around my chronic pain. I have given up so much of the things I enjoy in life to losing this simple battle. Here are just a few of the things that I have lost due to this pain.

Running with my children.
Swimming with my children.
Skiing with my children.
Hiking with my children.
Star gazing and teaching my children about the stars.
Driving I love a good drive with the window down and losing cares of the world.
Riding my motor cycles.
Airplanes I love flying.
Rainy days, I love to see the rain but I know with it my pain almost makes it impossible to walk.
Fitness – I have asthma and losing this one simple body mechanic has changed my life.
I love martial arts I love to see the skills that are involved in them. I love watching Jiu-Jitsu even to the point that I tried to do it for a few times.
Sleeping like a normal person
Going out with friends.
Walking without looking for support in case I start to fall again (which is new this year!).
Dating (yup, to many problem with this person)

After a week of only 18-25 hours of sleep plenty more hours of crying I can see my future for walking is slowly going away. I have even had a few Major falls this past week. One Gabriel caught me and did not let me hit the ground. I have spent time conquering so many things in my life. I learn and learn to try to avoid losing my mind. I hold my children and show as much love as I can to not lose them. I try to be a good friend to my friends because all of them are very special to me. I fight the good fight for subjects I believe in. But my fight with walking is being lost and I am not sure what to do…

I really am scared for the future of my walking ability it is not looking so rosy. I have always felt that my body hates me. On the flip side at least it is something my body and I can agree upon. I hate my body as well. I am so scared of what I have been always scared of.

Quickie 2 Wheelchair | Total Mobility - Sydney

I don’t talk much about this fear or even the pain of having to use a cane. FUCK I am only 50 dammit and I hate this! Sorry about this pity party. I thought I would talk about what is going on as a friend asked why I don’t do this or that anymore. I had to explain why and so I chose to write this that way I don’t have to keep explaining my secret and cry over and over again(fuck a run on sentence, lol. At least I can run on that, he-he.). I will now focus on my goals that involve my mind. Plus getting my mountain of tissues that I have used writing this. This week I am going back to my doctor to look at the future and plan it out. Still scared…