There is no rest for the wicked.

As you know I have published my second piece of written work. But my first into Science Fiction, when you buy the book you will find out that there is a second one coming. Well I want you to know I am not leaving you in a lurch. I have just hit 13,000 words on the story and it is going well. I expect to have it out in 11 months. I will keep you updated on its progress. Though if I return to my normal speaking engagements this time line might shift a little.

I have not created the music playlist for this book yet but it is in the works. Though I did notice that I made an error on the first book in this saga. I forgot to give the link to the first play list. So here it is should you wish to enjoy the music that I feel supports the book and its story.

Well, I need to get back to writing and I will update the blog real soon. I did put up a new podcast if you did not catch it. So until next time …..

Now for an personal update

I wrote a few weeks ago about my battle with pain. This past week I was able to go see my doctor. It appears that my chronic pain has grown a new partner. I now have Arthritis in my knees that is also adding to my pain levels. Now I know why I am always in pain. He is sending me to Physiotherapy in hopes that we can see if it might be muscle based? But I have done Physiotherapy so many times for this issue and it never helps me. But maybe it will help my Arthritis. New pills which I am not sure I want to take as my mum poisoned herself with so many different pills. I just don’t know overall I am scared more and more I am going to end up in a wheelchair.
I even had a phone call with some damn idiot asking me “Do you have a car and can you drive?”. A car fuck no I can’t walk half the time. At what the… do you think it is wise for me to drive right now? The dream of a new motor cycle is over. I just want to walk without pain (fucking dumb ass question). That is a crushing result as well as balance is not really great right now as I fall over without warning.
Pain high enough I want to vomit, but I cannot so I breakdown and cry. I really know my body hates me and has since the day I was born. Sorry feeling a little down after walking for only a short time. I only was walking less than 1 km. My knees are retaining water, oh btw that is also something new I am learning to deal with.

What was the biggest blow was I saved money to take my kids out for a fun dinner but due to the pain making me feel ill I could not even eat my whole hamburger from BurgerJunkie (this is an amazing burger joint). I like it more than Pizza and that say a lot, lol.

Well before I sink into a dark hole of “Poor me” which I would have written myself into I am going to stop talking about it.

Understanding The Gender Spectrum Part 5

We have made it. Thank you for staying with me on this lesson of learning. Even I took the time and dug deeper than what I gave you. I would encourage you to do the same as I have only given you a small view into the gender spectrum. We have been conditioned to look at life in a simple cut and dry view. The truth of the matter is life is not cut and dry. It is not as simple as Black and White. The Gender Spectrum is not as simple as Male / Female.

Now before I get to busy and forget I need to say a huge thank you to Emily Quinn. Emily is the main answer to understanding the Gender Spectrum. Both on a Physical and Mental level. As Emily said “If she was dead and 100 years they find her bones. Then tested them, she would be identified as a male” [sic]. But at birth when she came out the doctor looked at her and saw there was not a penis and said “It’s a baby girl”. We don’t have the full story as to when the song “One of these things is not like the others’ was sung. But it is safe to say something triggered a visit to the doctors and one thing lead to another.

Why is Emily the key to understanding the spectrum? As I said above by all appearances she was born as a Cis-female but through research was found to be Intersexed. With genetic markers of XY meaning that she was leaning more towards the male side of the spectrum. There are others who are Intersexed that lean more towards the female (XX) side of the spectrum. But in this case we are looking at Emily. Who throughout her life has identified and lives life as a female.

When we look at the narrow scope of only two genders (Female/Male). Emily does not fit into that narrow view so you would be forced to choose one or the other. But in saying that you cannot because that would negate the issue of personal identity. Which from birth has been nurtured to be a female. Which brings in the argument of Nature vs. Nurture. Does one override the other and if so does that mean personal identity plays a part as well. Which if you forced Emily to live as a male we would expect severe mental health issues possibly leading towards suicide if we go against her personal identity. Which we can clearly see is Female.

Now how does this tie into being Transgender. Simple we need to look at the personal identity as well as it being a physical health issue. Where for some reason mother nature wanted to be a little more complex than (Female / Male) in personal identity. Which if you don’t understand yet being Transgender is looking at A+B does not equal C. A being the physical sexual characteristics and B being the personal identity in regards to a persons Gender. Equating in C in every person. So a Cis-Female or Cis-Male would look at their body and there would not be any inward confusion. Whereas a person who is Transgender looks at their body with the confusion as they are not matching their personal identity.

Now we need to look at the issue of Nurture vs Nature. One of the issues of Transgender children is that many if not all of the Transgender community felt something is/was not right at a very young age about 5-6. Within the last 10-15 years a focus on the mental health of children who are starting to say A+B is not C. We are seeing an increase of what we can call a holistic approach to Transgender youth. Where we are trying to listen to the child as they understand the answer to the question of A+B. Then we look at how it is best to proceed with health services for the child. Sometimes counseling is what is needed and a small amount of children grow out of the issue. But then there are those who like myself did not grow out of the issue. We are now looking at the best treatment for the gender identity of that child. *No Hormones are given to the child!* What does take place is that Nature and Nurture are allowed to follow their own progression.
For Example I have a few Friends that have Transgender youth in their family. By allowing the child who identifies differently than at birth. Parents are encouraged to allow that child to roll with nature and allow parents to use proper nurturing to care for the other side of the coin. So if the child chooses to wear a dress mum/mom teaches the child how to act in a dress. At no time is the parent encouraged to force upon the child a different view to the equation. Meaning that the parent is not told to tell the child no you cannot be a girl you are a boy as an example. As this has been shown to cause a traumatic response if the persuasion is high enough. As well as it goes against the issue of Personal Identity. Which is developed by each person on their own terms (Nature).

Now if we look at the spectrum and at its core. We have the XX and XY chromosomes which either by design or by accident results in the continuation of the human species. Which is the only reason for the two chromosomes. Now I do understand that I have left out of the conversation the issue of religion as to avoid confusing it with science and the facts of the spectrum. Though if we were to add in the subject of religion. The creator did the same thing XX and XY to propagate thus carrying on the human species. As you can see in both issues it does not matter what the question is (A+B or B+A) the results end up with offspring, then it repeats itself. When we look at Emily we can see the spectrum and the results of it. Emily for whatever reason is a mixture of XY and XX though unable to reproduce. Which is also the same in the differences of the other two examples that I gave (but there are more examples but way to much for everyone to read).

Now when we add in personal identity of Gender into the mix. Which is shown in Emily as she since birth has been nurtured to live as a female even though her chromosomes clearly show as male. We can also see the Gender Spectrum is linked to personal identity rather than genetics. Which show us that Emily since birth saw herself as a Female. Which is the same issue as the Transgender community with the exception that it was not Nature instead of Nurture that creates the spectrum within the Transgender person. But we then need to review the following study:

Kilpatrick, L. A., Holmberg, M., Manzouri, A., & Savic, I. (2019). Cross sex hormone treatment is linked with a reversal of cerebral patterns associated with gender dysphoria to the baseline of cisgender controls. European Journal of Neuroscience. doi:10.1111/ejn.14420


White matter microstructure in female to male transsexuals before cross-sex hormonal treatment. A diffusion tensor imaging study (Journal of Psychiatric Research Feb 2011) FTM


>The microstructure of white matter in male to female transsexuals before cross-sex hormonal  treatment. A DTI study  (Journal of Psychiatric Research Feb 2011)

Which gives us a view of the research that is linking to the subject of a Transgender persons brain is more closely related to the gender to which they identify as.

Now in closing this look into the gender spectrum. We can see that there are two spectrum’s’ to the Gender question. One being Physical and the other being Personal Identity. Once again I have left out religion for the simple reason is that I am talking about science that has been proven and is replicated on a daily basis. Where as religion and belief structures are subjected to no testing and can change on a whim depending upon whom is at the top of the structure. At no point do I fault a person for their belief structures. I believe that as long as your beliefs do not cause harm to myself or those I care about you are welcome to them. I wish you the reader all the best and I hope that you have grown from these posts.

Understanding The Gender Spectrum Part 4

Welcome to Turner Syndrome 45X where this resides on the spectrum is (Cis-female > Turner Syndrome 45x <> Intersexed <> Klinefelter Syndrome < Cis-male). Now remember we are looking at a spectrum of the Physical Biological Characteristics of Gender. Gosh that is a mouthful, but I am hoping you can start to understand that the use of the argument of only two genders (male-female) far from correct and narrow in scope.

I would like to say I was able to find the perfect video, but I was not so instead I am giving you two videos to watch. Missing an X is the human side I want you to see before you start to learn the deep stuff that explains this condition.

Here is the second video. It is a little bit deeper in the understanding of this condition though I really would like you to take the time and learn about it. After all you need to understand before we can dive into how this ties into being Transgender.

In part 5 we will be tying these parts together. I look forward to talking to you then.

Understanding The Gender Spectrum(part 3)

Welcome to part three on this subject as I said we would be looking at the condition called Klinefelter Syndrome. As I have been trying to educate you on the Gender Spectrum. Now I want you to understand I am using the term “Gender” very loosely. We are looking at physical sexual characteristics which are linked to Gender Identity. The more we understand about Gender the more we can get past the argument of “Only Two Genders”. Now before we dive into Klinefelter Syndrome I need to point out that looking at Biology is important. That it should not be ignored in the conversation of Gender Identity. Though it still needs to be looked at as a separate part. We cannot change biology on any level, but we can change how that biology impacts our existence.

Without going into to much more lets get down to understanding Klinefelter Syndrome. Where this resides on the spectrum is (Cis-female > Intersexed <> Klinefelter Syndrome < Cis-male). Each of these having their own and different chromosomal marker with exception of Intersexed. Meaning that Cis-female is XY, Cis-male is XX, and Klinefelter Syndrome is 47XXY. So let me introduce you to Ryan.

BTW I think he identifies as a Man and a good looking one at that.

In part 4 we will be looking at Turner Syndrome 45X. We are coming up on five genetic chromosomal markers which are on the gender spectrum. Once again I am using the term “Gender” very loosely. Most of what I am giving you information on it Physical Sexual Characteristics in a range of the human condition. I will be giving you a tie in to how this all relates to being Transgender. I first need to give you a better understanding of a wide range of the physical side of Gender. (Yes, I feel horrible using the term Gender loosely but I think you understand.)

Understanding The Gender Spectrum(part 2)

I understand that many people don’t fully get the argument of the “Gender Spectrum”. We have always been taught about the binary. Going to school when was the first time you were taught about Intersex? Now looking at porn is not an Education (I had to say it). When was the first time you were faced with an Intersexed icon/spokesperson? The truth is we really have not had that exposure. I felt that you need to be exposed to a person that can introduce you to some visibility of the spectrum.

The person I want to introduce you to is Emily Quinn. I really did not want to bring you a person who was not someone who was not a profession. I needed to make sure this person was well-spoken and easy to understand. I also wanted you to look at someone that would be soft on your eyes to understand that being Intersexed is not always visible. Though they do make up apx 2% of the world population. So without saying anything more I’ll leave you with Emily Quinn.

I might get some lash back on this but please before you go off and become a keyboard warrior just read a little bit more before you start in on me. Now since we can see the middle and the ends of Biological Physical Sexual Characteristics. Meaning Cis-Female > Intersexed < Cis-Male, what this shows is three genetic biological physical sexual characteristics. Or does it, Emily even says it herself that if she was dead and you found her bones 100 years from now you would say those bones are from a man. But mother nature is not always spot on. Emily was born with all the correct parts (minus a few) for her identity and by all purposes looks like a Cis-female. But later found out the answer to “Why?” in some of her health-related questions in her life.

This is where people like JKR lose their arguments of “Lived Gender”. What that means is because a Transperson did not grow up as a woman they cannot be a woman. Because they do not understand the pain of being a woman. When I look at Emily I see a woman she has not had surgery to become who she is. But none-the-less she is a woman through society’s eyes. But she has never had a period and she cannot become pregnant and her genetic markers show male. I hope you can now see the spectrum and the simplest argument for one.

I am not going to say much more as I want you to digest what she said about her life. Because that is far more important than me trying to provide you a bit of education about the gender spectrum. Next, when we return for part three we will be looking at klinefelter syndrome which is also on this spectrum, but more towards the CIS-Male side (Cis-Female > Intersexed <> klinefelter syndrome < Cis-Male). We will get to the point where this all ties into being Transgender. But I need to give you a solid footing for that conversation first.

Let’s do something fun

Most people don’t leave comments on my blog. That is fine, I never require people to stroke my ego as a writer. But I sometimes want to shift a bit of focus when things are dark and tough. Right now we all know the world is in that spot. So let’s do something fun.

Sometimes in our lives we are blessed to find a piece of music that resonates with us on so level. I am going to give you my top five albums and why they are. It is to help you get to know me a little better. You are welcome to follow me on Facebook and join in with your top five and why. Or even drop this post a comment if you would like.

  1. Police – Synchronicity
    It was the early 80’s and I was starting to listen and find my love for music. I poured every moment into listening because no one in my home was talking to me and there was no friends in my neighborhood (use that loosely) that was my age or even within bike riding distance.
    I traded to get this album, I remember what I traded for it, Quiet Riot – Mental Health. At the time I did not know what that trade meant for my budding music tastes. People at school were laughing at my choice. I thought to myself “why?” as I did not know who this band was. All I knew what the other album was overplayed and boring after a single play through.
    I got home and put the tape in my stereo and that was when I learned I did not know anything about music. My ears opened up to a magical world of talent that even to this day I love that album.
  2. CCR – Greatest Hits
    I don’t know why it took to so long to find this album. But for over 20 years it is one of my most enjoyed listening experiences. The volume creeps up on its own filling the house with music and joy.
  3. Five Finger Death Punch – Got your six
    Yeah I like a little bit of angry music. Just love the edge of this album. We were fleeing from Domestic Violence. I was angry at myself for being duped for so long. This music just sparked that mix of power and anger that it helped my healing. It is still one of my favorites.
  4. Vivaldi – Four Seasons
    There is something with this work from a master that pulls me in and says it is time to heal and relax. Every time it is played I am transported to a place of love and comfort. I leave it a better person.
  5. Stevie Ray Vaughn – The sky is crying
    I got out of the hospital after my last failed attempt. There was some magic in that music that allowed me to reflect and change my path and outlook on life. It is one of the few CD’s that I have had to buy several times. Lights in the house are off, put down the pen and stop working on my books. Put on SRV and let life change for the better.

These are five of my all time favorites and subject to change. Each one having a large impact on my life. I would also like to say my top ten does include Queen, BB King, John Anderson, TOOL, and Depeche Mode. I hope that you can learn to enjoy music the way I have for close to 40 years.

It took a long time to learn

When I was younger (12) I started to feel the pressure of not amounting to what my parents wanted of me. I felt so alone in life nothing I could do was working. Even more than that was when I told my mother that I felt so very different I was faced with the dark side of a parent. It took me a long time to learn of my own self worth and how that impacted those around me. It took me even longer to learn that I was worth more than others implied what I was worth.

I am looking back at five years for the most part it was a huge step to climb a hill that I should have been at the top all along. I look at the top of this hill I am still climbing. I took so long to get started and I face some part of this climb looking at it and listening to others telling me I can’t do it. I walked hand and hand with monsters who enjoyed pulling me back. I listened so many times thinking I was not worth anything. When you get to that point you cannot see the sun through the clouds of your life.

Sometimes starting over is a huge blessing even though it might not seem like it when you are fighting for the right to breathe. When I started looking at my self worth I needed to understand about why I was so different than others. Then I needed to learn how to put that to use in my new world. I started by taking the time and going to see a person who could help me rebuild me. It lasted for about a year talking it over and looking at what I could do. I will not that it is where I want it to be. Because it is not and I am not 100% I even know where the top should be. That is not a bad thing in fact I am glad I cannot see the top. In a crazy way it drives me to look over the next rock.

Some of the crazy things is I had to find out about what made me so excited to be me. I learned I had a passion for writing and how the accomplishments made me feel. That the failures that I have also learned in writing have been lessons of accomplishments. My first book I wrote was at the time to be a Autobiography. But it was more like a prelude to what was coming. It came so fast as I wrote each word. I thought to myself this is going to be easy to be a writer (I was wrong). I took the next step and wrote my dads story (I WAS so proud of him and all he had done). But I had a huge lesson to learn that even our heroes can fail us after all they are human as well. I also had to learn that we need to be careful how deep we dig for information. We might not like the monsters we dig up. That lesson was so hard to swallow because there were so many holes I was digging and so many monsters that I had to re-bury. I learned that valuable lesson that no one ever could have taught me because I was not ready to learn it. In the end I created a wonderful; story of my dad’s life.

But due to some of the monsters I dug up I feared for my dad to find out all the truth. In someway I am refusing to release this book at this time as I still love my father so very much that I could not wish the pain of the monsters on him. But I got to know my fathers mother, such a beautiful person. A person I was never allowed to know in real life. Even writing this I tear up from knowing so much about her. I think what a time we would have had if we could have gotten to know each other. But I am blessed to know so much about her now.

At the same time of writing that book I was writing a couple of other books. The Choice was the first to be finished after my dads book. It took me three years of off and on writing to accomplish it. But the excitement of finishing it is far beyond words that I can give it. I loved the moment it was in my hands. The smell of the gun used in the binding is so wonderful to smell knowing it is yours that you created it.

I am looking where I am at. I keep learning more about being Trans and trying to understand why. I am learning that I am worth so much more than so many others said I was. I still remember all the pain of being teased even by so-called teachers for being Dyslexic to the point that reading is still a huge struggle. I carried that pain for so long with each book I write I am destroying the pain as well as the person who caused it.

So where is this all going? Very simple it does not matter what you are faced with there is a solution. Sometimes that solution is not easy to overcome the problem with. But if something is worth it, you will do it. You will dig those holes and if you find a new monster you will know how to put it away. You will be able to find that magic that does make you so very special. I believe in you!

So you think, only two genders? (The Gender Spectrum part 1)

Well it is time to learn in one very simple chart and I would like to thank Scientific American (link). I am giving you this information just to enlighten many who might stumble on to my page saying there are only two and you are just mentally ill. I have done so much research as even I wanted to find the answers myself. As I have never been one for just accepting something without knowing the whole story.
This chart is wonderful with the amount of information given. take the time and really have a close read of it. If you are Trans take the time and copy the link and the chart. This really does shut down the argument that many like to give. Though I will say this is not a full answer to the comment we always have to defend against. There are many more issues in the spectrum. This is also a huge answer to people like JKR and her little science denying army.