I know sometimes it looks like I have my shit together. But in all honesty, I am just like so many others. I have many a bad day with questions on how to live in a new world. One that I seem very ill equipped for. Being out of an abusive relationship for four years now and each day is a step forward to reclaiming a new me as an old me is gone, is a bit hard at times. I know it might seem like I am a bit aloof but there is just so much to take in on this new world. I do it in small doses to process it all. Someday if I write part two of my life I think that will be the one that might just be the most emotional.
That will be the one where I try to explain just what it is like looking out and trying not to be like the 12 year old kid I once was. The kid who did not know what the future holds. The 12 year old kid who got lost in others eyes but had no clue what to do past that point. So it was safer to retreat to my room, but now my house and a computer screen where I can write away. I really at times think this is a new way to watch the world pass by as I don’t know what to do in it or where my place is.
I am really okay with that. But that is the part I don’t like…
I sometimes wish I could once again know how to talk to people I am attracted to. But I find myself asking close friends “What do I do” still feeling like a 12 year old kid. I have tried in the past but that is where I become like a new born deer stumbling while trying to learn to walk. I guess one could call it a duplicity of being me. No one would really expect me in a personal setting to be very “Shy” I must look like I am a Doe eyed deer. One who looks like they are trying to decide if this person I can see wants to eat me or just let me be beautiful.
In a way this innocence is wonderful and new. I am part of a community that I know very little about. One who’s honesty is refreshing and enjoyable. They really hide nothing when you get to know them. But I am one who looks at them and is confused to the core about being attracted to someone. Where does the new safe lie? Or is that a dream of the closed door? Would, could or should someone understand the crazy world that is my life. Could they handle me?
I don’t want to end up in another abusive relationship it really does scare the piss out of me. Hell, waking up at three in the morning because there are two or more events that seem to have found a time to reside in my memory and like to beat down my walls when I sleep (they can all piss right off). To just wake me up with nightmares causing me to have to self comfort must be the biggest turn off for others. So yes, I am flawed but I am an adult and it took a long and winding road to get here. There were potholes and speed bumps that left this car a bit pitted on its paint job.
It really is confusing what to do when I look at someone and think I am attract to you… But then I once again close the door because it is safer here. Will there ever be a time where I can be strong again and take a risk? I really don’t know, these feelings are very magical for a 12 year old kid. But when you are (50) not so. I would love to ask a person I find attractive out.
Yup it is school Holidays and I am enjoying time with my kiddos. So making Podcasts hit the back burner until Friday when I can record a few shows. But please take the time and enjoy some of the older ones. But here is something to watch and learn from.
Over the holidays as with every year my children and I open our home to others. We do it for anyone who might be doing it hard or not have a place to call home or just some one who could use a good feed. Why do I do this? Because I really do care about my fellow man.
I also made a post on this blog about crisis lines and asking others to be kind. Why did I do this? I have once sat at Christmas time alone feeling the lack of love in my life and it was a very empty time. I know the dark feelings of being in that place. I wish it on no one. So my post was done with love, kindness and compassion.
I did not expect to recieve a reply to my appeal for a better holiday season. With a person sending this to me.
” Yet for all your advice about kindness, you happily appropriate womanhood, with absolutely no consideration of how women might be affected, of how women might feel about this, of how women might be disadvantaged. Your lack of kindness, your entitlement, your selfishness, your fetish, are all male. “
Now I have faced attacks from people in the US before and this really did not shock me. What did shock me that this person chose to do it when I was trying to give numbers for people to reach out if they were in a dark place. It was also a post about being kind to one another. I feel very sad for the person who read this and thought, I should launch an attack on her. But the timing was also very poor and to think what a post to reply to on at the same time.
Now I did ask on my FB for people not to attack her with rude comments. We are better than that. I am also asking on here if you read this as well. If you don’t have anything kind to say, walk away. It is very simple and hurts no one.
To the writer of the comment, Putting your name our for everyone to see might not have been your best choice. So my advice is to remove your post as being that unkind to others will do you no good. In fact, people lose their jobs for acts of hate and I would hate to see that happen to you. If you want to learn ask questions on any of my platforms and I will reply. But I will only provide you with scientific facts and links. I will not engage with you in an argument over Dr. Google crap. You might be able to find 1 or 2 pages saying things to support your ideals. I have mountains of evidence and a lot of it is really cool to read and learn from.
In the end it is your choice learn or continue to live in ignorance. I wish you only peace, love, and kindness in the coming year that you deserve, equal to the love and compassion that you show towards others.
I am putting this out there first and foremost. That many people for whatever reason do it hard during this time of the year. It tends to start in the middle of November and does not finish for many until the end of February.
So What can you do? First, be kind to everyone you see. See it really is that simple, everyone you meet you are kind to with not only what you say but in what you do. In that we can save lives. I am sorry but I don’t know all the service that are around the world but they are out there and they think you are wonderful. Please if you are having a hard time take the time and make a call. I wish each and everyone a peaceful holiday season.
Please remember that you can now find me on my podcast
Love this idea to me it is one of the best ways to link people together and it is not about some group on a ship that took over native lands.
Now for my message……
On Thursday in the US Friendsgiving should be taking place in many homes from Alaska to Hawaii. But keeping that in mind there are those who are LGBT+ and are not welcome home or they are homeless. There are things you can do…..
Make your dinner a bit bigger enough to provide for one extra person (or more if you can). Then invite someone who you might know is without.
Upsize your heart and make Friendsgiving about just that making and maintaining friendships. Setup a simple “Bring a plate”. Meaning that every person you invite to your home brings a dish of food. This way everyone chips in a dinner is simple to enjoy.
After all this is the season for connecting with friends.
Now lets look ahead a small bit what are you going to do on Dec the 25th?
Well let me add a challenge to you once again REPEAT what you did for FRIENDSGIVING. But step it up a bit Have a white Elephant gift exchange. Set a price tag of $10 and the gift must be in a box the size of 6″ x 6″ x 6″ (15mm) with a simple colour and a simple bow red in colour. Then mix up the boxes, yes there is a chance you might get yours back but that means buy something good. So be a good Santa and make it a moment in time that people won’t forget. Lift where you stand and lift someones heart as well.
After all this is the season of….
So lets you and I make it that way.
In closing I would like to wish each and everyone of my readers peace, love and contentment. I hope that you will find in your heart something or someone special. Learn to forgive others and bury the hatchet without leaving the handle sticking out. Find in your heart do something that no one would expect. Act out of love and kindness. From my family to yours we wish you all the best at this time of year.
Sometimes we all just need to hear a bit of good news. Mine today is an all clear with my issues of health. Phew it took a bit and a lot of TLC and Bananas. Oh I can’t forget the spoonful of honey at morning and night. Oh my gosh I like honey on toast but not on a spoon. But I was really please how it helped my tummy issues. I was really scared because it was getting to the point the pain was crippling.
But now lets move onto the next bit of news If you have been following my blog, Facebook or podcast a few thing are in the pipeline for changes. I am in the processes of re-branding a few linking places. Being Trans podcast has been getting a good start to listeners for the first six months. About a month ago I renamed the podcast to Being Trans. This was done after a couple of listeners made the suggestion. The exciting part is I still have my same approach to being trans as always. I am not a flag toting person screaming “what do we want…when do we want it..” which to me is always filled with bullshit in the end. I talk on points that I feel are a real impact on the Trans community and point out the bullshit ones. We can even have fun pointing out the few fun issues that doctors never warned us about. So if you would like to drop by and spend a short time with me on the podcast. I also changed my Patreon site to work with this new branding. In the new year I will also changing the blog to work hand with the re-branding. As much as I have enjoyed having this blog (which has been four years). I think the ideas are in need of a refocus as well as a face lift. Something fresh is the idea. I know there is a huge amount of information on this site and at times it can be lost in the complexity of it. So I am reworking the structure and some of the content. I really want to focus on the positives of Being Trans. Yes not everything will always be positive but I am so tired of seeing so many negative stories and bullshit that fills my Facebook.
Well to end the “hey look at me” part… But things are changing and in the pipeline so keep watching this space. Don’t forget to stop by the Podcast.
Hello, I know it has been a while since my last post. I am currently dealing with some adverse health issues. As soon as I am on the mend I will return to posting once more. It has put my writing on the back burner at this point in time. My podcasts will continue as much as I can work on them. You can still find me on Being Trans. Which can be heard on you favorite service. Thank you for understanding and respecting our little families privacy in these matters at this time.