About a year ago my youngest daughter was in complete tears just before dinner. It was so bad that I could see on her face a look of terror. One of a child who is lost and confused in life. So we sat down after a few hugs and telling her everything is going to be okay I will listen as she talks. We sat in silence for about 5 minutes as she regained her composure. I was doing all I could to not cry as my daughter was trying to be strong.
In a soft and kind voice she told me that she was Bi. I looked at her and said “okay, so?” I know that she was not ready for this simple answer but to be honest nothing more could be said. It did not need to be said. I walked over to her and gave her a hug and told her I loved her. It was right then and there she asked me not to tell the other parent. Okay I was not going to in the first place. Not like it coming from me would help anything between the two of us. She was concerned that the other parent would be unkind to her. I could not argue with her, it was a concern of mine as well. But this past week my daughter told the other parent and it went okay. (Phew)
I watch so many parents get it wrong all the time. I see and hear the fallout of their actions and not the actions of the child. Children disowned, hated and even kicked out of the house before they were 18. I said it once and I’ll say it again. If your child gets more love and compassion from a strangers hug, then you are not a parent you are a donor. With the responsibility of children comes the ups and downs of their lives. Yes, we all make mistakes some we are unwilling to accept. But they notice and they will remind you in different forms. This I know all to well.
Last thing I want to say on this is that it is none of anyone’s business to whom you are attracted to. You don’t ever have to tell it to people. Live your life the best you can. Get your education! Then find someone who is right for you. Others have to adjust to your life. If that life is with someone of the same gender than if they love you it is alright.
Love is love and it does not matter who is in your bed or holding your heart.
I watched a video last night by a stunning Transwoman. A person that I could say would pass at a high 98’s % of the time. She was really having a hard time with life and dating. She said it is something our community needs to be clear on with others. That being should you choose the path of being open and honest with everyone you need to be aware that you might be single until you go to meet your maker (you know kick the bucket).
This is something we as a community we don’t talk much about it. Finding someone to love or that will love us is very difficult to do. We reside in a middle ground of you are not a cis-man or a cis-woman. It is the most basic of built in instincts that we all have and that is to make another life. Yes, I know that there are those out there that do not want children. BUT the rules still apply when you look at a possible mate this is going through your head even if you deny it. What most Trans people are asking (but not saying) is look at me I am a good person just different. A lot of people cannot do that, it is not bad on their part. Or even that god forsaken word “Transphobic” it is just a reality of the above.
Then there is the darker side of this reality. What happens is that some of the time we are viewed as a fetish. Or even worse something they want to just try. But then there is a huge peer pressure that you (The Transperson) might not see. Something that we don’t hear when our backs are turned (What you could not find a real girl?). Or even worse and that hurts the person we want to find us special.
You fear that you will never find that someone who is able to look deep inside of you to see the diamond that you are. I would love to say that this is something that will work itself out in time. But as a person who prides myself with being bluntly honest. It does not always workout that way. This is one of the hardest parts of Transition. You need to be in love with whom you are. Deep inside and on the outside even with all of your imperfections. If you are not able to do that then how can you expect someone to see the diamond you feel like? It may take years to find that love in yourself. It may even be something that you currently cannot see.
We also need to learn to be strong with the understanding that we might never meet someone again. It took me a long time to go from I never wanting to be with someone after the hell I went through. To where I am now thinking it might be nice to have someone in my life. I was so angry with myself for allowing someone to abuse me for so long. It took time to review 14 years all the ups and downs. Then once I found that spot in my heart where I could place those years. I needed to look at who I have become. When you start in a relationship and it lasts for a long time, it will change you. Then you need to take time to find “you”. This is healthy because when you start loving yourself you create a different way people will look at you. Rich or poor it does not matter if you don’t love you, no one else will.
Now I am not saying that once you are able to love who you are that someone will pop into your life. It does not work that way, and it never has. Or shall I say if it does RUN! Just kidding. Taking the time to meet others is the hardest step in Transition. It is that point where you have to put yourself out there for everyone to see. Some will not like you and that is none of your concern. You will never change their minds, they have to do that on their own. Some will think you are a sexual object. If you are okay with that then roll with it. If you are not just keep swimming.
I have sat at home thinking “When” or even “If” I will be with someone. But I got to that point now where I can say “It would be nice” but I have learned to be okay with being single. I know a person that confused sex with love and lost the greatest person in their life because of their confusions that were wrapped around it all. It was so very sad to see what that person became in the end. They gave up everything to drive someone away and in the end they lost what was so special about them. You never measure yourself by who shares your bed.
Surprisingly you can do it. It may seem hard at times. But to be honest with you, it really is hard. But nothing worthwhile is ever easy, just ask the diamond. I do wish each and every person who reads this blog all the best. I’ll leave it here. To the young woman who sparked this post. You looked simply beautiful I hope a bright future for you.
I lost out on a job that I thought would be an excellent fit for. The reasons is that I was a bit “Outspoken”. I am okay with being “Outspoken”. At least you know what you get with me from the word go. I don’t hide behind belief structures that destroy lives. I don’t waste my time with those who can’t understand the beauty of life. I have even walked away from members of my family. When they believed my abuser rather that believe me. There is no excuse for abuse! But hey that is their choice and their loss. Yeah it hurt and still does. But I am Outspoken!
I live my life very simple I don’t need designer labels to make my life complete. My life is filled with the hugs of my children and their friends. I will sit with anyone on a bus! I will give more than I have to support a friend who I love and care about. I will break bread with anyone! Yeah I see your color and I think it is beautiful beyond words. I see you sitting as others pass you by I keep a $20 in my bag just for you (I wish I had more). I cry when I see so many people hurting others because they think it is their right to do so (Shame on you JKR). I cry at every life that is lost just because they were Trans. But I am Outspoken!
I stand up and say I am sick of Racism. I stand up and say proudly I am Antifa. I remember that my family gave so much over so many Wars so that I can say that (long live the Heroes who gave all)! I believe that Black Lives Matter! (I am not white don’t mistake the color of my skin for being so) I love to see when children don’t understand the colors of life (it warms my heart with hope). I never flew the flag of the Traitors or the Flag of the Nazi’s. It makes me sick that I see both of those alive and well in the hands of the generations of those who gave them their future. I think the thin blue line needs to be broken in the US. I am a good person, I expect the police to be better than I am. But I am Outspoken!
I am Transgender, I am okay with that. I don’t care what you are as long as you are a good person. I don’t believe in the terms Homophobia & Transphobia. You just are an asshole no branding it anything else will change that. But I believe you can change, but that is your choice. But I believe in the term BIGOT! (If the shoe fits wear it.) But I am Outspoken!
So if I lost out on a job because I am “Outspoken”. At least you know who I am and I will not let you forget it!
Her title does not do justice to what is being said and how she is replying. I love to support positive stories and comments about my community. So many in my community are trying to change how the world views us. Please take the time and watch this video and if you can please put a like up for her.
I don’t promise you will like it. Below is a reply to a persons question that I was faced with. What you don’t see is the start of the conversation which was about Man and Woman being the only two genders. We talked a little bit about it. Then they asked me this.
“Why would people wish to transition from one sex to another?” Let me answer that for you so that you might understand.
If you were born colorblind never knowing what green grass looked like. What would you give for that chance to enjoy what so many take for granted?
Now for one more miracle. What if you were born deaf never knowing what the sound your baby will make? The sound of your loved one’s voice. What would you give if someone could give you that ability?
Let’s do it again. What if you could not walk but someone gave you the chance to do so? What would you give?
Now pull your head out of your ass and look at the Tran community who all their lives have dealt with their Body and Mind not matching. The self-doubt the internal struggles. The hate they see on a daily basis. Even some of their heroes like JKR say horrible things. What they have given to come close to that beautiful moment of peace is more than words or videos can really express. So why would they change knowing the Biology cannot be changed. The same reason the Person put on the glasses, the same reason a person gets the implant to hear. The same reason the person walked. We do it to live! Life is more than biology, we are more than the sum of our parts.
If you believe in a god and it does not matter which one then open your eyes and really look at what is being said about life and the lives of others. If you find hate and divisiveness may be something is wrong? If God created all of us, then he created ALL OF US. With our physical flaws and challenges. 100 years ago none of the above could have taken place. Those wonderful people involved in science and those who seek for solutions to better the lives of others have changed the world. Who are we to argue when they save our lives, give us eyes to see with, ears to hear with, the skills to walk so why is it so hard for so many to allow the Transgender community to live a good life?
The person then talked about Women Only Safe places and Women’s right being reduced because of Transwomen. I did get a little heated at this point. Here is my answer.
Do you think about your safe places? When every year the Trans community counts how many have died due to violence directed at them? In some countries, there is NO safe space for them. Do you really think any of the Trans community wants lesser for those that they identify as? That would make no sense at all. But yet I read time and time again people attacking or trying to hide their attacks (just like JKR).
What most people in my life know very little about is that all my life I have suffered with chronic pain. I do not have MS and my knees are for all visible appearances are in okay of shape. I have over the years had x-rays enough that should make them glow. I have had blood test that vampires have had a meal or two.
Over the years it has been getting worse. This year I came to the understanding that I have a new and close friend my cane. I spent hours after buying it in tears. Understanding that I am losing what is and has been something I knew would be coming. I am more scared for the future of my ability to walk.
I don’t talk about my fears much with people around my chronic pain. I have given up so much of the things I enjoy in life to losing this simple battle. Here are just a few of the things that I have lost due to this pain.
Running with my children. Swimming with my children. Skiing with my children. Hiking with my children. Star gazing and teaching my children about the stars. Driving I love a good drive with the window down and losing cares of the world. Riding my motor cycles. Airplanes I love flying. Rainy days, I love to see the rain but I know with it my pain almost makes it impossible to walk. Fitness – I have asthma and losing this one simple body mechanic has changed my life. I love martial arts I love to see the skills that are involved in them. I love watching Jiu-Jitsu even to the point that I tried to do it for a few times. Dancing Sleeping like a normal person Going out with friends. Walking without looking for support in case I start to fall again (which is new this year!). Dating (yup, to many problem with this person)
After a week of only 18-25 hours of sleep plenty more hours of crying I can see my future for walking is slowly going away. I have even had a few Major falls this past week. One Gabriel caught me and did not let me hit the ground. I have spent time conquering so many things in my life. I learn and learn to try to avoid losing my mind. I hold my children and show as much love as I can to not lose them. I try to be a good friend to my friends because all of them are very special to me. I fight the good fight for subjects I believe in. But my fight with walking is being lost and I am not sure what to do…
I really am scared for the future of my walking ability it is not looking so rosy. I have always felt that my body hates me. On the flip side at least it is something my body and I can agree upon. I hate my body as well. I am so scared of what I have been always scared of.
I don’t talk much about this fear or even the pain of having to use a cane. FUCK I am only 50 dammit and I hate this! Sorry about this pity party. I thought I would talk about what is going on as a friend asked why I don’t do this or that anymore. I had to explain why and so I chose to write this that way I don’t have to keep explaining my secret and cry over and over again(fuck a run on sentence, lol. At least I can run on that, he-he.). I will now focus on my goals that involve my mind. Plus getting my mountain of tissues that I have used writing this. This week I am going back to my doctor to look at the future and plan it out. Still scared…
Well there has been some exciting news on the distribution side of The Choice. Due to the US being a bit in Chaos thanks to Trump, COVID-19, and Riots. Amazon does not ship outside of the US at this current time. Which is really shitty action they have taken as they did not tell any Authors who were publishing with them.
This required me to source a new publisher and distribution network. Which I did do at some great cost to me. But that is par for the course of doing all the leg work. But in the end the rewards are a bit better. Something I am a like a little more. Amazon is still doing the E-copy of the book on Kindle.
ISBN – 9780646820330 The Choice can now be ordered through your favorite bookstore. It might take a few days for it to be an easy find, but if you give them the number, they can track it down as it is a new release. $13.99-$24.99 depending on the country where you buy it.
I kindly ask that if you chose to buy a paper copy of the book that you do so from a local book store. The more we support these local businesses the more local jobs we create. I switched my support network to Australia to support workers here.
For just one second look at what is going on in the US. Right now so many people are being hurt or worse killed in a place that claims to be the land of the Free. It is very sad to say that it is not free for everyone. For those who have died at the hands of the police they were not free. For those who are in the prison system in the US for crimes that were at the hands of the police.
I have watched the numbers of the dead rise and rise in the US from COVID-19 and the games that the the tool called President Trump. Who fans the flames of hate everyday and has done for his whole term of being President. We have seen at a time when all of the US needed a leader he once again was a coward hiding like he did during Vietnam. Yet people defend him like he is a hero. So let me introduce a few real heroes.
Here is a list of 30 Black heroes that have made our world a better place to live. Please take the time and follow this LINK . Learn about them and who they are.
Next I want you to look at these heroes. I want you two read this post about WW2 it is very simple and small but shows what many forget. Please follow this link and read.
Next take a look at these heroes from the Vietnam War. Follow this link.
This list can go on and on. We can look at how the US made it to the Moon. Follow this link. Then I can point out the wonderful heroes of the Native Americans and Hispanic Americans. Which for some stupid reason so many in the US ignore and hate just like Trump. Men and women who gave you a better life. So yes I am proud to say Black lives Matter. I am proud to say #IamAntifa because I know what my family gave to stand up to Hitler and his monsters. IamAntifa because I am Transgender and when they are done with me they will come for you next, so I make noise! IamAntifa because my family is Native American. IamAntifa because my father lost parts of himself fighting for the rights and lives of so many people around the world. IamAntifa because of my Nephew who did the same damn thing. IamAntifa because my Great Grandfather saved my Grandmother (who was an Abused Native American Child), he was an amazing Sheriff (Oklahoma City, Oklahoma). IamAntifa because so many gave so much in WW1 & WW2.
SO @realdonaldtrump you may have forgotten the heroes. You may lie to and forget the American people over and over again. You may lead many of the Police and others astray down a path of hatred. But I am not one of them, I remember my heroes. I remember the Heroes in my family Grover Robins, Aunt Bobo Robins, Fred Robins, Bill Robins, Edward Allen Nichols, Frank Jones and Coma-lee Robins. So you the people who choose to hate and forget what the oaths you took to protect and serve. You cannot even begin to be worthy to like the bottom of the boots of those who gave and those who gave all. No one is free until all are free.
I don’t know who you are. I am not Black I am not wearing a Hijab I am not wearing a Kippot I am not homeless But I see you, I support you, I care for you, and you can sit next to me. I will share it with you. I will help you carry the burden of those who hate you.
Good news to a point. With the exciting release of The Choice as well as the first retailer being Amazon. Here is where you can purchase it from them in the US (LINK). Though with that information there is a huge sad note. This is only a temporary way to purchase the book. As of June 2020 they are not shipping my book outside of the US. The reason I have been given is due to COVID-19. But you can order it the hard copy if you live in the US. If you are outside of the US you will have to be content to ordering the Kindle version on that “LINK” supplied. I would like to say I am sorry for the chaos created in this.
I have GREAT news for those outside of the US. I am current in talks with Ingram Spark to take over the printing and distribution of The Choice as they have world wide presses including some in Australia! So please understand that there will be two versions of the book but the content will remain the same in both books though I will not be providing signed copies on the US format of the book. We are however looking at two weeks out from starting production of the book in Australia. Sorry for that delay to those outside of the US. The cost will not change on the book. But I will be having a book signing but I have not set that part up yet.
Even Better News!!!
The Choice – Proxima Centuari, is underway and I will be working hard to complete this book in the series as soon as I can.
The Greatest of News!
Soon with the COVID-19 outbreaks being under control for over 14 days. I am looking forward to the day when the Human Library Project can resume. There are talks underway right now. What does this mean to you? Well that means I will be taking part once again with this amazing bunch of people working to inspire others. So if you buy a book and see me at one of the Events please feel free to ask me to sign it.
Last and best wishes to everyone keep yourself safe and healthy.