10 days (warning no Caffeine)

Today was not a good day for the sugar battle, cravings are going mad. Nor was this week a really good week as I look at it with hindsight. I consider myself to be a good parent. I am a good school Parent. I go to meetings and I help my children with homework. I am there for them 100%. Outside of school I still have bedside chats with my kids they are free to talk about anything. We go to Jui-Jitsu, we do activities, we have family dinners with no toys (TV, Radio, Phones, and Tablets). When we talk I listen and respond, I give advice based on the needs that they bring up. So when it was suggested that we have this person talk to the children about how we as parents are doing. I did it and still had this nagging voice in the back of my head “DON’T” but I did it to make the Meditation process work better. Because my Ex and I were having some problems. Trying to find solutions is the way to go.

We had a person talk to the children and let us know how we are doing. Shit, I did not think I was doing that bad until she started talking. When it was over I walked away feeling like shit, to be honest. I did not like it at all. I know it is not directly pointed at me but it sure felt like it. I was even told that I am now not allowed to see my children every day before and after school. Six years I have been doing that. That pissed me off a bit I have seen these 3 kids every day since they all started school. I saw them on buses going to school, I saw them when they got home from school. So now I am not allowed to do that on the weeks that they do not stay at my home. The kids did not like that one little bit. But my hands are tied. It just got worse from that. People ask why I don’t trust these fuckers from the court who claim they are in it for the children.

I felt like every time I said something they were using it against me. I knew the Ex would bring up the Trans issue. Something to dirty the water. Lucky for me the kids stood their ground and would not let their feelings about it be twisted. But shit, let’s bring up anything that is LGBT+ related. Then quiz the kids on it to see how they feel. In hopes, we can find a crack to exploit. I was also asked if I had a partner. But we did not hear anything about her partner in the Q & A feedback. Except one of the children said they want her to stop talking to him on the phone so much. (I felt bad for her at that point, but that is a sorry, not sorry moment.)

Then they told my Ex and me about a few things that we should mindful with the kids and then we were told not to talk to the kids about anything that was said. What fucking hell bullshit for the both of us, do, don’t do. There were a few issues that should not be danced around. But no instead of coming straight to the point we have to dance. Then this person asked Niamh, What she would like Niamh in a wish?”. My Daughter said more time with her mum. But in the person’s mind, that meant more days. Of course, the Ex leaped on that and so did everyone else but myself and my Attorney. I told them all I wanted to think about it. Even after being pressured, A LOT. Because there have been issues in the past that the other party brushed aside. But this person did not even take into consideration. I wonder what my daughter’s therapist would have said to this idea. So I danced the question around Niamh trying not to say too much. Asked her a follow-up question. Come to find out all she wants is different times than her brothers. She wants alone time with her mum, not fucking more time. She said she needs a small break from her brothers. Great the person was making me feel like Niamh wanted less time with me. There is a skill called follow up, it is used in asking questions. This person needed to learn it.

Oh, don’t even get me started on the Puberty issues that were also being used against me. The only thing that was not said was, you’re trans you don’t know how to help your daughter during this time. But it was implied a few times.

Then there was a point that was brought up about me playing a game on the computer when the kids are in bed. I am designing a damn game to be sold. As I hope this will be published in the 4 quarter this year. Stupid shit I am a writer and I write using a computer. I have to make a living to support my family. Because I can’t find a job.

In the end, I walked out of that joke of a meeting thinking to myself, shit my Ex and I paid for this? I was enlightened by a few things that I will change. But overall what a joke on the parents. Don’t get me wrong some of the information will help a little bit. But holy cow some of the questions that she asked were a joke or at least the information that was gathered was. Holding up fucking “Bear Cards” for who is what in a family. Great idea create division, hoping that it will create a stronger bond because a person feels like shit. Maybe that will change them. This shit is used in advanced Military training “Who do you see as the weakest member of your team”. News fucking flash my kids do not live in a Military Household. Those cards need to be Shredded! But then I guess they would find another way to do the same damn thing. We could not even get a copy of her notes that were made from the questions. Because those are protected. That is fucked right up the ass. Not happy about that at all.

But at least the school issue for Gabriel is solved. Only took 10 fucking months since I first asked. Yeah, I am pissed that we wasted money to solve a problem that could have been solved by being fucking parents and looking at all the schools. I hate wasting money on Attorney’s, Court, Costs and all the other Bullshit that is linked to Divorces. (Sorry G you know you have my respect). I like my attorney, he is a really good man. But if I ever get asked to do this shit again. I think I would rather roll the dice with a Judge. At least evidence matters there. Then I had to pay for parking which cost me $8. Lucky I did have a few blessings that day Hugs from my children and a wonderful friend who watched them while all this shit hit the fan.

You see now I am venting because I am not having the best of Days. I am also venting because I have had no Caffeine for 10 days as well. I knew this was coming, I am getting cranky about no sugar and caffeine. I am glad the kids are visiting their mum so that I don’t get upset over something that would normally not make me upset. I wanted to stop and get a can of coke on the way home. But I fought it off, plus it would use my last dollar. I never touch my savings account. I am going to need that soon. School fees and the like. I also ran out of Mint Tea so the cramps are back. Those are not nice at all. Well, I am going to end this before I vent much more. I hope Saturday will be better.

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Day 6 & 7

Well, I have to say I failed on day 6. I chose to have a small piece of my sons birthday cake. But other than that I am still on track. I felt that making a connection with my son was more important than my vanity. But I am now one week without Coke. So no caffeine and only 1 small piece of cake. I am finding that even though I am drinking tons of water the urine of still a bit darker than what I would count as hydrated but I am thinking that might be toxins are leaving my body as I am not stockpiling more on top of them.

Sleep is getting better as this was one of my main problems before starting this. I was also having some issues of really bad breath when I woke up during the night. Sometimes it would require me to brush my teeth at 3 am just so I could go back to sleep. Now that problem is gone. I don’t know if that is a direct result but it is a blessing that I am getting more sleep and better sleep. I am not needing to also take a nap halfway through the day.

Energy is starting to normalize and that is a wonderful feeling. I am not really sure how that can improve to a point where I have more. But I would like to do that. I am not doing a weight check until after the 30 days. I have my starting weight so I want to be able to look at it in the end as a whole of what has been the benefit to it all. So far I am proud of myself battling the drinking Coke is one of my hardest things. I think it has been made easier by drinking mint water as my tummy has not been so upset. I have also noticed that I am not feeling the need to snack.

Well that is it for sugar battle today. Please have a wonderful day everyone.

Day 4

Still small headaches the overall sugar cravings are gone now. I am sure they might return. Energy levels are still very low. I am hoping that this changes soon.

Day 5

Well I did not post day 4 because not much happen. 5 days so far and the Mint water is my life saver. I could not do this without it. Calms the tummy as I fight the sugar cravings. Spent two hours at BJJ open mate rolling with my boys Hezekiah and Gabriel. So I am so sore right now it is not even funny. Gabriel is starting to roll with me like he does others. It is a struggle for him as he loves me and does not want to put in a full 100% effort trying to avoid hurting me. I maybe Trans but I can hold my own. Well, I still have small headaches but in time those will go. Well, not much to say as all I can do this.

Have a wonderful day everyone

Family

I was sitting (more like laying in my bed) here today having a bit of “down time”. I was feeling a bit empty the main reason being that I felt alone. I saw this very attractive person today. I felt so alone that when I came home it just hurt. I started to think was I to hard on people in my life. I call this checking my six. As I started to review I had this idea to look at dating sights. Then once more it hit me I am Trans. So why even try….

I made an open letter a while back to a certain couple of people and one of them took the time to write me. I have been thinking about how I should address that person. Because in that response I was told I was forgiven. Though I never asked for it or even thought I needed it. I thought to myself am I being too hard on this person? I really have been looking at my response from so many angles it is a bit mind numbing. I try to take my time when things are very important. I felt that what I needed to say I have tried several times to say but it is just not reaching the level of the desired outcome. But then I also know that you can lead the horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Yeah I know writing about what took place might not have been the kindest thing to have done. But I was pissed that what took place was done so with no remorse and it hurt deeply. I have said like I am now the family member no one really wants. But that is okay (not really) I have four children here in Australia who love me. Though everyone else has left me. I found it even more disparaging that instead of talking out why I feel the way I do. They would rather talk to a person who has more issues with being dishonest than Bump-a-Trump (well, no one is really worse than him). But I relax and think fools and their money are quickly separated.

I have seen and read stories about families falling apart after a person like me says Surprise! There is always a common theme that is littered in them. That is Personal dislike or Religious beliefs. Personal dislike can sometimes be overcome with time and education. But there are the few who are so set that they are unwilling to change. Then we have those who are using the excuse of Religious beliefs to hide their bigotry. The reason I use the word Bigotry is due to the issue that they actively push their disdain for that person. We have all seen the videos of kids being kicked out of home for being LGBT. There was one where the young man was beaten savagely.

I have been out of the US for about 16+ years. In that time I have never seen a video or read a story like that here in Australia. Not to say that it does not happen but I have not seen it (please don’t flood me with examples). While I have read and seen so many of the same things happen over and over again in the US. I really can’t see an excuse for the actions of families attacking another member for being LGBT. I am still confused about how it happened in my family. My father served so many years in the US AirForce and we were always taught to respect others. What I did not think that it was conditional to anything but those of the LGBT+ communities. It was really difficult to see that change in my family and deeply saddening. I am very thankful that my four children here in Australia are wonderful and kind people.

But I do worry about them having interactions with those other family members. I view it more to the idea of one bad apple can spoil the bunch. It is like that you would not allow your children to hang out with those who are bad influences. Just in case some of it rubbed off on your child. I really don’t want my children growing up to be like that. I would rather my children to remain kind and considerate to others feelings. None of my children identify as LGBT+ and that is beautiful because they don’t care that some of my friends are. Recently a friend of mine had a baby. Her and her partner as so happy. Niamh saw a photo of the family and made a comment that they sure looked happy and full of love. She did ask who was the wife…I had to tell her both were and she just smiled and said: “oops duh I should have that about that before I asked”.

LoL, I did have a point to this but I lost it somewhere in the writing. Hmm… Yup gone now, lol. How about we just call this thinking out loud. Because the point I was trying to make is all gone.

Day 3

Well the good news first…

I did not kill anyone, yet. But I have done the smart thing and have chosen not to be around people. I know that is cheating but I know myself without Caffeine. But the Mint water has been helping. It is nice to be able to not worry about the cravings yesterday. There is still a Chocolate bar sitting in the fridge. So I am proud of myself on that. Does not hurt that I am not a fan of Chocolate. To many people, 3 days is not much. Every day I am proud of what I am doing towards my goal.

But I have not added the stress levels yet. That will happen on Monday when I have to be in the same room with Ex. Who has a very hard time in telling the truth. Even so much that my Attorney said WTF. Then the kids start school soon. I am a bit nervous for Gabriel he is starting High School. While many might say that is not to bad. I did not have a good experience at it. In fact it was one of the lowest points in my life. Looking back we all have those but to see our children stepping into that environment is a whole other experience. Mind you my oldest Daughter made it through it (I am so proud of her). But this time is very different, you have me as a Transwoman. So we will see what the outcome is I might have to take the time and go in and speak at the school. Which is fine I have done it a few times.

I just now started getting cramps again. It could be from several different reasons. Possible that I have not had lunch yet. I think I might make a soup for dinner tonight. Split pea and ham sounds healthy and yummy at the same time, lol. Well I also need to get back to working on the books.

Have a great day everyone.

Day 2 OUCH!

Well I was hoping that I would not feel this pain until at least day 4. But it is proof my luck is not always on my side, lol. I knew it was coming but I did not think it would be this soon. I was ready for it as I planned I had a box of pain relief so at 3 am when it said Hellooo. I was up and the sharp pain was from my eyes to the back of my head. Grab the pain relief and a shower. Yup a shower as I was also having a allergy attack at the same time. I knew standing was not smart in case I fell over so I sat down and let the water drift over me. As the water began to go cold I crawled out in so much pain.

Made my way to my bed and collapsed in a heap of a Towel and human below it. I woke back up at 11:30 a and here I am at my desk with the hang over of a head ache from hell. Still a bit dizzy and cloudy in thoughts.

Last night I also had huge Sugar cravings that were helped by drinking mint herbal tea with nothing added. I just filled my water bottle and placed a tea bag with it. I have not had the energy to aerobics at all yesterday. I don’t think I will as well today as there is very little chance I am going to turn on the music.

Btw if you did not know I am very dyslexic. I am now starting to use Grammarly to help me out and see if this makes my ramblings a bit easier to read. we will have to see. I thought I should just go back and review past posts to see how far I have come in my writings. But I have a few deadlines that I need to keep.

Well, have a wonderful day and if something that sparks my interest I will post later if need be. Now it is back to work, ❤

Day 1 ugh

Early to bed last night thought about a bowl of ice cream. Yeah needed sleep to stay away. So as it is said early to bed early to rise. Up at 5:30 am. Okay that is not so bad grab water and start drinking. No coffee or Tea (orange tea with a bit of honey) both help me wake up. So now the eagle eye begins looking at the labels of everything I eat to make sure no sugar added. BTW I am not silly enough to go for Fruit Drinks. I will avoid those as well. Bad day though woke up with cramps. I know it will be about day 3 when the no Coke detox will start in and I might get a little short with others.

I have forewarned the kids that I am doing 30 days no sugar. Gosh, my kids are great they have told me that they are proud of me and will help me. Yeah, they will help because I was not able to eat all of the chocolate bar in the fridge. So that will make their day when they get home. I don’t know what to think about this yet. I am a tad bit scared, to be honest about it all. I have never gone without sugar for long periods of time. I have tried but fail at day 4-7. But I have cut out Coke for 6 months to a year. So I know I can do that. I have panadol to help this time.

I will also up the exercise to help burn more fat and keep me busy. I have been given a dead line to finish a part of my current project that I am teamed up with others. That dead line is on the 1st of Feb. That is not that hard to meet but I will work more to keep my mind busy. When the kids get home we are going to go walking short distances to help as well.

I am tracking my weight but I am not going to tell people about it until I reach 30 days. If I can make 30 days I will see if I can make 60. Make a goal with a second one as well.

Have a nice day everyone