What many might not fully know that all my life I have fought depression. Fought not suffered from. Not all of it was linked to being Transgender. So let’s start with you knowing that.
I know that many of my friends are having a hard time. I read their posts on Facebook and I see their tweets. You might think that I am having a very hard time right now without being able to see friends and go out for a coffee with them. But surprisingly I am not here is why am not and I hope it can help all of you who are having a hard time.
In time, this too will pass. I, you, no we will sit down with our loved ones and enjoy the coffee and drinks. We will hug and express our love for each other. We will look into other eyes and a sense of overwhelming happiness for all of them will be there. Then we will look at the empty seats where other loved ones should be as well. We will bond in a sense of loss and love for the missing. We will talk about them like they are right beside us.
We the human race has done this before. Time has mended and lessons have been learned. If you did not know the events that are the hardest are the greatest of all teachers. So like our teachers of old, those who returned from Wars, Great Adventures, near misses to death. Let us look forward to the time where we can once again share in the happiness of each other and let us leave a drink for the ones lost.
I know sometimes it looks like I have my shit together. But in all honesty, I am just like so many others. I have many a bad day with questions on how to live in a new world. One that I seem very ill equipped for. Being out of an abusive relationship for four years now and each day is a step forward to reclaiming a new me as an old me is gone, is a bit hard at times. I know it might seem like I am a bit aloof but there is just so much to take in on this new world. I do it in small doses to process it all. Someday if I write part two of my life I think that will be the one that might just be the most emotional.
That will be the one where I try to explain just what it is like looking out and trying not to be like the 12 year old kid I once was. The kid who did not know what the future holds. The 12 year old kid who got lost in others eyes but had no clue what to do past that point. So it was safer to retreat to my room, but now my house and a computer screen where I can write away. I really at times think this is a new way to watch the world pass by as I don’t know what to do in it or where my place is.
I am really okay with that. But that is the part I don’t like…
I sometimes wish I could once again know how to talk to people I am attracted to. But I find myself asking close friends “What do I do” still feeling like a 12 year old kid. I have tried in the past but that is where I become like a new born deer stumbling while trying to learn to walk. I guess one could call it a duplicity of being me. No one would really expect me in a personal setting to be very “Shy” I must look like I am a Doe eyed deer. One who looks like they are trying to decide if this person I can see wants to eat me or just let me be beautiful.
In a way this innocence is wonderful and new. I am part of a community that I know very little about. One who’s honesty is refreshing and enjoyable. They really hide nothing when you get to know them. But I am one who looks at them and is confused to the core about being attracted to someone. Where does the new safe lie? Or is that a dream of the closed door? Would, could or should someone understand the crazy world that is my life. Could they handle me?
I don’t want to end up in another abusive relationship it really does scare the piss out of me. Hell, waking up at three in the morning because there are two or more events that seem to have found a time to reside in my memory and like to beat down my walls when I sleep (they can all piss right off). To just wake me up with nightmares causing me to have to self comfort must be the biggest turn off for others. So yes, I am flawed but I am an adult and it took a long and winding road to get here. There were potholes and speed bumps that left this car a bit pitted on its paint job.
It really is confusing what to do when I look at someone and think I am attract to you… But then I once again close the door because it is safer here. Will there ever be a time where I can be strong again and take a risk? I really don’t know, these feelings are very magical for a 12 year old kid. But when you are (50) not so. I would love to ask a person I find attractive out.
Yup it is school Holidays and I am enjoying time with my kiddos. So making Podcasts hit the back burner until Friday when I can record a few shows. But please take the time and enjoy some of the older ones. But here is something to watch and learn from.
Over the holidays as with every year my children and I open our home to others. We do it for anyone who might be doing it hard or not have a place to call home or just some one who could use a good feed. Why do I do this? Because I really do care about my fellow man.
I also made a post on this blog about crisis lines and asking others to be kind. Why did I do this? I have once sat at Christmas time alone feeling the lack of love in my life and it was a very empty time. I know the dark feelings of being in that place. I wish it on no one. So my post was done with love, kindness and compassion.
I did not expect to recieve a reply to my appeal for a better holiday season. With a person sending this to me.
” Yet for all your advice about kindness, you happily appropriate womanhood, with absolutely no consideration of how women might be affected, of how women might feel about this, of how women might be disadvantaged. Your lack of kindness, your entitlement, your selfishness, your fetish, are all male. “
Now I have faced attacks from people in the US before and this really did not shock me. What did shock me that this person chose to do it when I was trying to give numbers for people to reach out if they were in a dark place. It was also a post about being kind to one another. I feel very sad for the person who read this and thought, I should launch an attack on her. But the timing was also very poor and to think what a post to reply to on at the same time.
Now I did ask on my FB for people not to attack her with rude comments. We are better than that. I am also asking on here if you read this as well. If you don’t have anything kind to say, walk away. It is very simple and hurts no one.
To the writer of the comment, Putting your name our for everyone to see might not have been your best choice. So my advice is to remove your post as being that unkind to others will do you no good. In fact, people lose their jobs for acts of hate and I would hate to see that happen to you. If you want to learn ask questions on any of my platforms and I will reply. But I will only provide you with scientific facts and links. I will not engage with you in an argument over Dr. Google crap. You might be able to find 1 or 2 pages saying things to support your ideals. I have mountains of evidence and a lot of it is really cool to read and learn from.
In the end it is your choice learn or continue to live in ignorance. I wish you only peace, love, and kindness in the coming year that you deserve, equal to the love and compassion that you show towards others.
I am putting this out there first and foremost. That many people for whatever reason do it hard during this time of the year. It tends to start in the middle of November and does not finish for many until the end of February.
So What can you do? First, be kind to everyone you see. See it really is that simple, everyone you meet you are kind to with not only what you say but in what you do. In that we can save lives. I am sorry but I don’t know all the service that are around the world but they are out there and they think you are wonderful. Please if you are having a hard time take the time and make a call. I wish each and everyone a peaceful holiday season.
Please remember that you can now find me on my podcast
Love this idea to me it is one of the best ways to link people together and it is not about some group on a ship that took over native lands.
Now for my message……
On Thursday in the US Friendsgiving should be taking place in many homes from Alaska to Hawaii. But keeping that in mind there are those who are LGBT+ and are not welcome home or they are homeless. There are things you can do…..
Make your dinner a bit bigger enough to provide for one extra person (or more if you can). Then invite someone who you might know is without.
Upsize your heart and make Friendsgiving about just that making and maintaining friendships. Setup a simple “Bring a plate”. Meaning that every person you invite to your home brings a dish of food. This way everyone chips in a dinner is simple to enjoy.
After all this is the season for connecting with friends.
Now lets look ahead a small bit what are you going to do on Dec the 25th?
Well let me add a challenge to you once again REPEAT what you did for FRIENDSGIVING. But step it up a bit Have a white Elephant gift exchange. Set a price tag of $10 and the gift must be in a box the size of 6″ x 6″ x 6″ (15mm) with a simple colour and a simple bow red in colour. Then mix up the boxes, yes there is a chance you might get yours back but that means buy something good. So be a good Santa and make it a moment in time that people won’t forget. Lift where you stand and lift someones heart as well.
After all this is the season of….
So lets you and I make it that way.
In closing I would like to wish each and everyone of my readers peace, love and contentment. I hope that you will find in your heart something or someone special. Learn to forgive others and bury the hatchet without leaving the handle sticking out. Find in your heart do something that no one would expect. Act out of love and kindness. From my family to yours we wish you all the best at this time of year.
Sometimes we all just need to hear a bit of good news. Mine today is an all clear with my issues of health. Phew it took a bit and a lot of TLC and Bananas. Oh I can’t forget the spoonful of honey at morning and night. Oh my gosh I like honey on toast but not on a spoon. But I was really please how it helped my tummy issues. I was really scared because it was getting to the point the pain was crippling.
But now lets move onto the next bit of news If you have been following my blog, Facebook or podcast a few thing are in the pipeline for changes. I am in the processes of re-branding a few linking places. Being Trans podcast has been getting a good start to listeners for the first six months. About a month ago I renamed the podcast to Being Trans. This was done after a couple of listeners made the suggestion. The exciting part is I still have my same approach to being trans as always. I am not a flag toting person screaming “what do we want…when do we want it..” which to me is always filled with bullshit in the end. I talk on points that I feel are a real impact on the Trans community and point out the bullshit ones. We can even have fun pointing out the few fun issues that doctors never warned us about. So if you would like to drop by and spend a short time with me on the podcast. I also changed my Patreon site to work with this new branding. In the new year I will also changing the blog to work hand with the re-branding. As much as I have enjoyed having this blog (which has been four years). I think the ideas are in need of a refocus as well as a face lift. Something fresh is the idea. I know there is a huge amount of information on this site and at times it can be lost in the complexity of it. So I am reworking the structure and some of the content. I really want to focus on the positives of Being Trans. Yes not everything will always be positive but I am so tired of seeing so many negative stories and bullshit that fills my Facebook.
Well to end the “hey look at me” part… But things are changing and in the pipeline so keep watching this space. Don’t forget to stop by the Podcast.
Hello, I know it has been a while since my last post. I am currently dealing with some adverse health issues. As soon as I am on the mend I will return to posting once more. It has put my writing on the back burner at this point in time. My podcasts will continue as much as I can work on them. You can still find me on Being Trans. Which can be heard on you favorite service. Thank you for understanding and respecting our little families privacy in these matters at this time.
Well I did it once again burned myself out, ha ha. I have been going so fast with so many projects that one had to suffer and it appears it was the blog. I am so sorry this blog has been one of my greatest loves in writing and something that draws me back to it over and over. While the pod cast has been stealing away attention from projects as well. But this month of August seems to have been one of my most action pack of my life. I am still struggling with my insurance on the car. I knew that was going to happen. I should have just canceled the damn thing.
But I also stumbled upon a bit of Trans healthcare that really set my mind in motion as I have also been experiencing some concerns with my own as far as over all health and progress of my Transition. This information added to my own research into my condition. As well as possible links to how it happened. Though not being able to have my own mothers healthcare records or even a desire to apply for them. I might be facing a small road block. Until I can find a way to access them. Which also might face road blocks from my family in the US. There are a number of Medicines that were given to women in the 50’s to early 70’s that have been shown to have caused birth issues some of which is Gender Dysphoria (I don’t want to use the term of Transgender).
I would like to share this video with others but I think we all need to take a step back and think for a bit that this is NOT a full solution or the complete solution if you are not happy with your transition. Not all doctors are as forward thinking as Dr. Powers. But becoming educated ourselves on what is going on with our own healthcare is vital. I have been very concerned as of late with the use of Spiro and its adverse effects on the body. As a whole the WPATH is a great starting point but with few changes over the years. Please also don’t view this also as a way to medicate yourself. You do need help from the medical profession. We are talking about blood tests and being reviewed on a regular basis. But please do use this as a part of your own education.
I DO NOT ADVISE DYI (do it yourself) MEDICAL ACTIONS
If you are those who like to read my blog for information on how I am doing personally why not tune into my Podcast where I do dive a bit deeper on subjects and my life. Or even ask me to be on my Facebook. I do edit it and drop people who troll or post NSFW junk. So please be mindful that I will search your profile before added you. If you are just trolling or sniffing I will know and I will not add you.
I also could still use your support via Patreon. See the button on the right side. For as low as $3 a months so I can continue bringing you information on all my platforms. Thank you all for your support.
Well if you have been following my Podcasts and Blog. You would have noticed that our car died. Now while that is a sad event and many have said oh no what are you going to do? Well you see in many ways I loved my Ford it was a very good car. But I had that sinking feeling that change was coming. But at the same time I was also thinking that I needed to make a change in being Greener and my Ford was never going to do that. I was wasting $60 dollars a week in petrol on it and then I was also spending out $30 a month on Insurance. Then top that off with Registration each year at close to $800. The car was also costing on Oil changes and Tires. I even had a tire blow up on me costing me close to $300. The numbers were not adding up when it came to benefits vs. rewards. I was shelling out close to $5k a year if not more. I thought there had to be a cheaper way.
So I started to think and I put it out to the universe I needed some guidance. I started to get the sense that change needed to take place and it was coming if I liked it or not. So I started to look at new cars within a price range that made sense. As well as not over the top. So I set myself a budget and started to look at all the cars that were available to fit that budget. Then in my searching I found the MG. Now this is not your dads MG much has changed including where it is made. Surprise it is made in China and the cost is even lower than what I budgeted in the first place. With that a great 7lt/100km with 7 years warranty and Roadside assist. So I came home and set the information down to think about this choice. As I no longer rush into things and wanted to make sure what I bought was a wise investment.
But at the mean time I thought that riding the Bus was going to be a bit of a pain in the ass. But it was something that was forced upon us as a family. The more I have started to ride the bus the more I have come to enjoy the freedom of not driving. While at sometimes I need an Uber to do a few things that the bus time tables do not fit. That is okay and I can deal with that. So right now we are saving for a new car. But the truth is we might just stay with the bus for a little bit and it will also allow me to end something that has been going on for far to long.
So I got in touch with my Attorney and dropped some money in his lap and said it was time to end the games and the marriage. My ex and I own a house together that she has been living in it while it was to be sold. But someone (hmm) took it off the market without my permission. But at the same time chose to start making noise about the children and visitation but never wanting to solve the problems at hand. So at the same time I am dropping money in my Attorney’s lap for get me out of the marriage as well. This joke of a marriage has been going on for far to long. It needs to end and I need to be far away from what I can in dealing with that person and that persons new partner. While I know it will never end due to we have 3 wonderful children together. I want as little interaction as possible. Being partners in owning a home is not little. I made a huge error in allowing her to remain in the home in the first place and changes have been made without my permission as well. Horrible choices in colours for paints and wall textures. So before it gets to crazy get me out of the contract with some fair cash in my hands as my part of the investment. Shit should have been sold years ago.
Then I have made a choice not to reinvest in a home. I feel that coming up on 50, a 30 year loan is a bit crazy of an idea. Investing it might be the safest choice to have something when I get older. Might invest it in a business idea as well. I am working that out with people who know more about money than I do.
So coming back to the topic of our car. Well it is dead and that is okay what I was thinking was putting it up for a Trade. Seeing what people have to offer for it. Yeah it can be fixed, but the cost for me is not worth the time and effort. So I am going to take sometime this week and see what I can get for a bigger version of a Paperclip. I have already been offered $100 to just scrap it so now I have a starting point on the value of the trades. What to aim for that is above that price point is a win and you don’t have to just take the first offer. This might just turn out to be a fun adventure. Who knows where it can take us the Paperclip for the guy a house and a chance to be on TED talks. While being on TED talks is not my goal I have a few things I would love to make happen. We will just have top see.
Also on a side note I have a Patreon site with the first three chapters on my up and coming book. I have said that I am going to put a chapter up a month on that book for people to read before it goes to the presses. But at the same time on the 15th of the month I am also going to start putting up a chapter of a second book. So for a low price of $3 dollars a month you can enjoy my book before anyone else can. But if you are so inclined you can pay more but $3 a month is a bargain.
Then to top that off I am still working on my Podcasts which are going very strong. Why don’t you come and join me. It is becoming an adventure in itself as well. I answer questions from time to time on being Trans as well as a few other topics.