What have I done to myself

Oh Myyyyyy…..

I would not have ever thought I would get back into self defense. I thought I was done with that stage of my life. I should have known better when one of my best friends asked to enrol my children in Jiu-Jujitsu. Here we are two years later and many changes have taken place. Gabriel one of my sons is a Yellow belt in the sport and has moved towards a more aggressive side of BJJ. My lovely daughter is about to exit a younger class in exchange for going to an all women’s club that opened in our town. Hezekiah is still going strong in his club.

Well if you have been reading my blog you have read that I joined a all women’s club on their invitation. Well someone smack me I am thinking of joining a full club as the all women’s club does not do grading and I want to know more (okay another habit). But I plan on staying at the all women’s club as well. BJJ is so different when I sat on the sidelines it did not really click with me. Now that I have been on the mat and have had a few Rolls. I can see the respect that everyone has for each other or at least the ladies do. Yeah I am Trans and they don’t care. So now I am planning out how I am going to do this on my limited budget as I need to get Gabriel a new Gi first and into his new school uniform.

But I am also very nervous about being around new people in close proximity to my space bubble. It is a very strange feeling being openly scared of men. That sense where I used to respond with equal aggression is now gone. I even find my sense of trust at night has changed as well. I guess by joining a BJJ club I want to regain some of that sense of security that I am needing. A few weeks ago I had an event that scared the living shit out of me. I was just going to Grocery store and a guy was drunk and giving me some issues. I stood my ground but when I got home I crumbled and it was so very scary. I miss having that sense of understanding that I am safe. Now I am not safe and I am concerned when I am alone. Though no more going to the store late at night…..

Though good news a book will be released by end of year…..


Hey you….

Hey you out their all alone wondering why i’ll never call let me tell you.

I hate people reading this. But sometimes people need to learn to stand up for what is right. So by an example I will write this to you as an open letter. A long time ago I would have done anything for you. I would have given marrow for someone who is now gone. I even offered.
You broke my heart and my trust and now you say to my children that you were fearful that you would not hear from them until they were adults. Did you know that all you ever had to do was to say sorry to me. I would have forgiven you but not forgotten. Now you not only went behind my back and talked to my children without my blessing. You continue to stand with those who you should not stand with. Never once seeking forgiveness from me.
If it would have been my choice you would have never heard from them ever. But I have taught my children that their are always three sides to every story. Your’s, Mine and somewhere in the middle is the Truth. I have taught them if you have questions ask, dig and investigate. Then make a choice on what you believe, but be flexible because you might be wrong. I am Steel with you.
If stealing something that can never be replaced was not enough. If calling something yours that is mine, is not enough. If outing me was not enough. If calling me names was not enough. If ignoring blood was not enough. You talked to my children without talking to me, First.
I know you read, because my tracking software tells me. Let me make this perfectly clear to you. You tweaked one of my children so bad that I don’t even know my Grandchildren, let alone her. You tweaked her so bad that she hates me without even knowing me. You are not welcome to talk to these three children. You can’t be trusted, you know that hurts me to say that than the willingness to forgive you. So let me make this perfectly clear to you.
You think your family, your not even worth the salt in my urine. Stay away from my children, we don’t associate with people like you…..

Week 3

Wow, okay I am hooked, as I looked at the young man telling us we has 10 minutes warning for the Northern Women’s BJJ class. The only thing that ran through my mind was really this sucks its over for another week. What a major bummer…..

While it was only three of us. I had wished there were more who took the time and learned these protections. I wanted the time to turn back and do it all over again. As I drove home thinking to myself what have I missed out on for so many years. In three lessons I am hooked. I really am looking forward to lesson four. Even if it is painful afterwards…Worth every tear of knee pain. It will get better as I learn ways to avoid those positions where the knees are taking the stress to cause the pain.


Well I have been hinting for a while that something wonderful was on its way. That it is, this week we started to promote our new business. What does this mean?

Well some things need a starting point. As it has been said the hardest part of any journey is the first step. Come take a walk with us.
Give this post a share….. Keep an eye on instagram……

Gender Dysphoria (GD)

Well most people don’t understand this and many think that it is something that proves that Transgender community have a mental illness. To a point that is correct when learning about GD. When I was young at about 12 I started to have problems with GD. There are a lot of the Transgender community who also at this age started to have issues with it as well. GD can be very scary and life threatening if ignored. Treatment for GD varies in many ways. Some such as myself would have benefited from regular counseling as well as Hormone blockers.
Hormone blockers are not as scary as many might think. What they do is very simple they find the body’s pause button. Then press it until such time that the solution can be put in place. Those solutions can be proceeding with HRT or SRS (gender reassignment surgery).

Though this is not always a cure all. Such as the case with myself while when I was young I was not able to look in the mirror as it was very emotionally painful to do so. Thanks to HRT I can now look in the mirror without issues. But at the same time I still have a body image issue that I am not 100% okay with. No, it does not have anything to do with SRS. What it has to do with is that fact that I don’t like what I see in the mirror about my weight. So I know what your thinking “Yeah so many women and men have that”. When you have GD it is a bit more extreme. For me I stopped once again looking in the mirror as I could not deal with what was looking back at me. So I made the choice to do more and eat less. I was at a Jiu-jitsu class and they took a photo afterwards. Yup I looked at it and boom back to being that 12 year old kid.

So what is my solution? Well This week I started a diet my first diet ever that is structured. I am going to be doing a zero sugar and low carb (Keto) diet. Since black coffee is RIGHT out (ew), I will be drinking lots of Herbal Tea. Then a bunch of water while increasing the output of energy. Sunday I worked very hard at try to get the spring mowing done. I was hoping that today I was going to be able to get the front yard done, it rained.

Will this work? Eek, I am not sure. But I need to feel better about my physical body. My emotional health is great right now. In fact it is the best it has been ever. That says a lot if I can lose this weight I can’t see it hurting my emotional health. In fact it will make me a candidate for SRS. You see you have to be a healthy weight for that. So with Jiu-Jitsu and the diet I am sure in about 3-6 months things will be on the right path. Then my GD that has been causing me a few new problems will be gone. If the GD is not we will address those issues when we get to it.

BTW this is Day one…….No Coke look out world…….lol

Well I have been hinting

So is this the day I tell you what is going on……Hmmm Close very close I want to keep you interested. So I will give you something to think about before we launch 100%. In telling you this I will be creating a wind of change. Which that is just it, change it is the only constant in the world. Without further suspense….. if you are ready to have a peak take the look at…..



Strength check

Hello everyone,

Well is you have been listening to the wind and to my posts. I met a new friend Rona Fry, this was just a random meeting. I was surfing Facebook and out of the corner of my eye I saw Northwest Women BJJ (BJJ stands for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu). I followed there link for my Daughter Niamh who has been concerned about Boys in BJJ as they are a bit to rough. There is an issue that my Daughter is still having problems from her Sexual Assault a number of years ago. So I looked at this group thinking maybe, just maybe it might be her saving grace in BJJ. The more I read and talked with Rona I was thinking this might be the place for Niamh to have a go. Long story short, it was a very wise choice.

But then something happened……

I give Rona a huge amount of credit for building a wonderful club full of caring women and filled with understanding. I have always been of the mindset if you like something use it, support it or it might be gone. One night Rona and I were talking and she invited me to join them next week. Now I tried and tried to think of a way to get out of this offer. Not because I was scared or worried about the long term effects. I tried to get out of it because I knew that while I had lost 30% of my muscle mass (which took a lot to do) I was still very strong. This concerned me as I did not want to hurt another person. Plus on top of it I really have an issue with Transwomen in sport.

My problem with being a Transwoman is not that my mindset is different it is that even after losing a lot of muscle mass. There is 70% that is well developed. The muscle structure between those who have Testosterone and those with Estrogen is vastly different. This is why drug testing in the Olympics for women involves testing for increased levels of Testosterone. The muscles that are affected by Testosterone are more fibrous. In such this type of muscle tends to be stronger. Even after 3 year of HRT the issue is that I have a lot of strength. Now I know that I look fat and that it is very hard to notice that you might not be able to see how strong I still am it is noticeable on the Mat in BJJ. While if I was sparing with a man I would be weaker (a lot). So I reside in a place like Limbo that while is not one it is not the other as well.

I really tried to take my concerns to Rona and gave her the choice to resend her offer as I was very concerned. She assured me that it would be okay. So, I trusted and last week I had my first lesson on the mat. In the past I have enjoyed a different art form (Taekwondo). I have had to stop myself from using those learned skills as they have been coming back because the difference is not to let you get me on my back. BJJ is I am going to take you to the mat and I am going to win. With week one done I was a bit sore as I have been working hard to lose the muscle mass. Well this week I was also ready I took precautions to make sure I was not as sore as last week (Bahaha, I am a DORK!).

When I sat on the mat there was this wonderful woman who I have seen in action who I also respected because of her ability. Well I was teamed up with her and I asked her not to go to easy on me. I am that type of person who does not like half-assed attempts. If we are going to do it give me your all or don’t come and play. Well to say I am sore right now is such a lie. Oh I am so sore from the top of my neck to my arm that has limited feeling. I woke up today with my left arm feeling like it weighed a ton (dead arm). Now for those of you who don’t know in 2002 I lost all feelings of normality in that arm. My nerves are shot big time from a blood poisoning event that took place that almost killed me.

So next week I will be at it again… 3rd week in a row. I am also going to be starting a Keytone diet to lose the fat that came as a result of not doing anything to lose the muscle mass. I did have a plan to do it before now. But being on the front page of the newspaper looking like a blimp has been the fuck me running point. I will now lose this weight as I am doing 20 other things at the same time. Gosh who needs a partner like I have time for that, lol.

Okay getting to the point. I don’t buy it that these Transwomen who are athletes that used to resided in a culture of strength are the same as Cis-women in strength. I have worked hard to lose my muscle mass. To look at what I can still do. Hmm I am no sport person, trust me I am NOT. But on HRT for 3 years and the wonderful woman who I spared with tonight even said I was still very strong. Mind you she was no wimp, kept me on my toes that was sure. Then the teacher Rona is also another amazingly strong woman. You can’t tell it when you look at her but wow. You would be a fool to piss off these women of BJJ. #respect

I am hooked and will be going back for more…My suggestion is I don’t care if you are Trans or Cis learn to defend yourself. There are those assholes out there who don’t like Women or Transwomen. Better to be safe than sorry. Really sorry for the hand slip that result in a minor slap to the face, Mon. Gosh I felt so bad for that….Huge amount of respect I can’t say it enough.