Tonight as I watched a movie alone. There was this love scene that was soft and beautiful. I looked at this couple as a bit of reality hit me. I might never know what this feels like ever again. Never to know the soft touch of another’s warm caress, the arms that hold me tight, the soft hand that reaches for mine in the middle of the night.
This is the cold reality I live with day in day out. One could say the cold reality of being Transgender. Sure I hear my friends tell me to get myself out more and meet new people. I really don’t know how or where to do that. They tell me I am an amazing person with so much strength. Yet all I see is a crumbling mound of fear of the unknown. I watch them walking holding hands, enjoying a meal, yet here I sit alone and scared. This is my bath tub filled with water, complete with icy bits of reality.

My Ice bath…….

Month 27

Well it seems like life is teaching me a few new lessons. With HRT come changes that Transwomen are not told about. So has been the case this month. Let me break it down just a little for you.

Doctors….

It is so hard to find a real good one. One that does not judge and listens to your needs and wants. You may go through a few and it is best to ask around for advice on which ones are safe to work with. I did a lot of looking before this past week settling down and finding one that worked well and listened. I hope this will be a long term relationship because I hate retelling my story over and over again.

Below the belt…. oops Waste line

I started having a new problem this past month and that was my “Parts” below have reduced in size to a point that it is a bit hard to use the restroom even while sitting down accidents happen…. For this issue you might want to make sure what little you might have is pointed downward. Shrinkage WILL happen and there is nothing you can do about it.

Weight loss…

I keep trying to throw it away but it seems to want to return a lot. I now am starting to understand Hormones and weight gain a bit better. Some women find it hard to gain while others find it hard to lose. I am at the stage where physical effort is not working as fast as it once did. So enter the doctor for help… Will update later…..

On a side note, Healing

Well there will come a time and a point where a broken heart heals. Mine did this somewhere and I am not really sure. When my ex picked up the kids I did not even give a second look. In fact something odd happened I looked at this person and wondered, Why? Why did I enter a relationship with you.. It was so very odd and strange feeling. There was no malice or ill feelings in fact it was very devoid of them.

Employment…..EEEEKKKK!

Well I know that I am a writer and I need to work on my book. But writers hit speed bumps called writers block. It sucks and you end up beating yourself to a pulp wondering why you can’t get over it. So I started to pull back a little on the writing side and see if I could get a part time job. I have applied for so many jobs and I have been knocked back so many times it is not even funny. This last one I got knocked back for really took me off my feet a bit. I was MORE than qualified for it, I had plenty of experience and yet they still said no thank you. It hurt to be honest, in so much as I went and had a conversation with my good friend Vik. She told me that this is something that needed to be expected. I have a few things going against me, Age, Woman, Trans with kids. It is just a large thing for companies to deal with.
Look I know all about the law and hiring people sure it says you can’t base you hiring off those issues. But believe me they do!…. I am still looking fort a job and I hope to work on the book soon ideas are starting to flow a bit more.

Hey Thanks for reading have a good one…. ❤

******Well this was in my drafts folder instead of being published. Weird I hope I have not just published this one twice, lol.********

Month 26

The only few things that have been changing is my boobs are still growing, losing weight and hair growth. Not to much more fun. I am in the  next few days going to add a new photo.

I was looking at a bit of my history when I came out of the shadows. I can see so much pain that is there at the time. My heart still aches for what others did and how they still believe they did the right thing.

I told one of my sisters this past month that I forgave her but I could not forget what she did. I told her “Goodbye” and requested that she not contact me again. I don’t think I could start to have my heart broken again by her. I am very shocked at how many people lose family due to trans issues. I started to look at my relationship with my family as a whole and the abuse of the past.
The way it still continues to this day just by the hands of my sisters not my mother. I am very glad that I left them behind even though my heart is sad at the loss of them. My Birthday was only nice due to 4 people (my Nephew and my children) Then it was soothed by a wonderful group of very close friends. Who for several days wished me all the best. I dad forgot about me….again. Sometimes I wonder if I am a Ghost to him……

I am on a two week break from the pool as they are cleaning it and fixing a few things. I miss swimming everyday. But my last swim was 1.750km in 1.5 hrs….. so I am hoping I don’t lose to much time in two weeks I want 2 km.

Like I said not much has gone on….

https://www.popsugar.com/news/What-Dead-Naming-Transgender-Person-43923268?fb_comment_id=1275594089219334_1279703122141764&comment_id=1276462185799191&reply_comment_id=1279703122141764#comments

Hello all,

I have read some many of the very same comments over the very same subject so many times it becomes sickening. One side saying it is a sin or wrong or a mental illness or fuzzy logic or bad science or whatever to justify hatred. Don’t get me wrong I understand hatred, I HATE beetroot. But lets get real. The proof is in the Pudding. if you have never heard of that before let me break it down for you.
First the all kind and loving GOD is part of current day Mythology. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that he does or does not exist. What I am saying is that you that you believe in something that cannot be seen. We have no real proof that God (and/or Jesus) ever lived. Now don’t get me wrong this does not let off several other Religions they have the same problem. Belief in a God is fine in fact it can be great if you follow the laws set forth by him and avoid Hypocrisy. That being that out of one side of your mouth you say one thing but out of the other side you say another. Hypocrisy is part of being a real good liar. You avoid saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
Now for the science part and that includes Fuzzy logic and Mental illness. If you have a problem with the science part then we have a few big issues here. This being that you must think the world is Flat, that E=mc2 is not real, that Gravity sucks and is not real, you’re an Anti-vaxer (btw, got Polio – No, thank you parents and science and get your kid vaxed), and all those who survive Cancer. You see in the end Science is a wonderful tool that explains life and fixes the wrongs of Humanities existence.
As for Mental illness, science plays a big part in this, you have to accept science – if you believe in this. But that does not mean it is end of this section, far from it. Mental health has been changing everyday and has been uncovering solutions to some of the greatest mysteries that all humanity face. Once we did not understand “shell shock” or those who were overly scared in battle causing them to flee. But now we understand PTSD and the overall impact it has on the human condition. We once branded those who were left handed as part of Satan’s plan or Demonic then it was thought to be a Mental issue. We treated them with such vileness it was just plain wrong. But now thanks to Science we understand why those who are left handed are as normal right handed people. So many advancements have taken place with time and understanding. One year we see that those who are called Dyslexic are stupid or poorly behaved and the list goes on and on. But now we are thinking in the professional community that it is merely part of the wiring of the brain. Also showing that while in one area they are weak but in another area they have a greater than normal of comprehension or other talents.
All and All of this can be explained away as simple as Zeus was part of a pantheon of Gods in Mythology. So might be several of today’s belief structures in an all powerful god. A lot of them laying down so many rules it is a sin to ever breathe or to comprehend what is right or wrong on a given day. So to call it a sin when it is not even talked about in some texts, is really stretching it. As for science it keeps evolving day after day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. It is happening so fast it can make heads spin. Think you are reading this on a computer…
Those who are Transgender are no more committing a sin or mentally ill than those who take prescription drugs this includes Viagra (thanks science). BTW in case you cannot follow that it was once believed that the medical profession what part of satanic practice (though sometimes when you see the bill you might think that as well). The issue that we really are facing is the issue of Acceptance. We are after all “proven” creatures of habit, it takes a bucket load will and science break bad habits or addictions. So saying that Transgender is this or that without trying to understand is just ignoring that fact that lies at the core of it, it is just different. SO simple but yet very easy to look at it this way “Different”. You can’t get it up so you take a little pill to help or you can’t get out of bed so you take little pill. Do you see how very simple it is “I have never felt right in my body – so I take a little pill here and there and now that pill is changing my body and aligning my mind with the changes that I can function”
I know it is so very hard to understand this, hell even I am not really sure why I am like I am. But I do know this I am a parent of 7 wonderful children. Who still call me dad, send my Happy fathers day gifts and well wishes. I don’t force them to do anything they don’t want to do. I am their dad, I just look different, I act different, and I am different. But none of that matters more than at the core of it they are loved and cared for by me. I still clean up vomit when they are ill, I still tuck them into bed every night I don’t care about how old they are, I still check on them before I go to bed and the most important of all I still love them with all that I am. I am a damn good parent.
I also don’t have a dead name, but please don’t think you have the right to call me by it. I am not going to answer. I have a few close friends who can get away with Al. The reason for that is I love them so very much that to me they are still allowed to do it. But don’t think you have the right to do it as well. I am not some simple little snowflake that will melt when approached with hate and vileness. I will give you your two minutes and then it will be my turn to Educate you that I am more of an Iron Butterfly with pretty paint. I have earned my battle stripes. I love each and every scar. As for Pronouns use a bit of respect and I will return it ten fold.

P.S. Btw no one stole the fucking rainbow….oh I am so sick of hearing that. God gave them a sign in the sky, a clear sky….. Science, Rainbows are made with moisture….. Evidence, if you call it a rainbow without name the sign first it make no sense and kinda leads to the fact that it happened a few times before and you just chose to use that as the sign. Kind of like Gravity, did not always have a name but fuck it was still there…….Mic Drop! SO stop using it as an excuse for hatred.

~have a nice day my rant is over

I know it has been a long time since I have written, sorry. Life has its funny way of making somethings more import than others.

But with saying that I need to address something that happened this weekend. There is something that if you are reading my blog you need to know and that is.

It is not your right to out another person, ever!

About three years ago my family (parents, sisters, daughter in the US and I) were tore apart by my choice to tell my sisters (who I trusted) about me stepping out of the shadows. Sometimes trusting others is the worst thing you can do. I asked that not to tell anyone that I will do it in my own time and when I felt it was time to do so. But my sisters broke that trust and outed me to a lot of people without my permission.

My advice is so very simple you don’t know the pain that is caused by “Outing” a person. If you have been given the love and trust from a person in the LGBT+ community, shut up. Don’t tell another living soul it is not your right or duty.

I did not tell anyone about the abuse we were going through. I was far to embarrassed in what had taken place. I had never felt such shame in my life about the abuse. For years afterward I blamed myself for the actions of the others. When I also told my sisters they defended my ex. There is no excuse for abuse in any form. There is no excuse for a family to continue to befriend the abuser while turning their backs on the abused.

This past week I received an email from one of my sisters and I was taken back by the courage it took to send that email. All it was, was a simple “Happy Birthday”. But all I could see was the pain they both caused by their actions. I had to make a choice. So I replied and thanked her and forgave her. But that forgiveness was only for my own soul and the peace that forgiveness grants. But, in the reply also asked never to be contacted because I cannot handle anymore pain from her. It broke my heart all over again but I needed to cut away the poison. I will never be able to forget what was done and it will always linger in my heart as a pain that is beyond words. But by cutting away the poison you really are saving yourself from more pain. Some trust that is broken can never be fully repaired.

I have an old FB account in my old name for Legal issues that are in it. the other sister contacted that account to wish me happy birthday. Mind you she has my email in my correct name. But she refuses to address me in that fashion as well. But I made a choice to cut that poison out as well. I was already in pain for having to do it to the other one so it did not hurt any more to do it to this one as well.

I spent many hours in tears over the loss of three of my family (Mother and two sisters). It really did break my heart but as the days have moved on that pain has turned into something else altogether. You see what would have been hurt if my sisters would have kept their mouths shut? You see my mother never really liked me so I don’t think that would have effected her deathbed antics. But right now they might have been given the chance to know my children. Now they never will…..

This was not my best birthday I have ever had but saying that it was filled with a family of friends, smiles and love from my three children. Nothing what so ever felt better than the hugs of my children today. After a weird weekend stacked with highs and lows.

So I hope you can find my advice in there somewhere. It might even be just a touch of wisdom. Please never “out” anyone…..

Hello all,

I gave the following Interview have a peek and a good read. Then take the time and look at her blog as well.

http://theheroines.blogspot.com.au/2017/08/interview-with-aleana-robins.html

Love ya lots ~Ally

Month 25

Well not many changes have taken place this month. Though since being on the the pill my hair on my back has almost all but fallen out. I still have a few here and there that are white but they will go as well. I also started going to the pool 5 days a week working on getting my weight down to a more manageable area. in case you did not know that you should not be over weight for the surgery. SO I am working real hard swimming 1k or more a day. I am trying to get up to 1.6 which for Americans will be one mile a day. I am Tracking it on Fitbit as well. (if you can find me you can add me)

Though this month has been a bit more emotional than some of the past ones. You see I have shared care with my ex and the time with the children we do a 50/50 split and it is a week about basis. When the hand over day comes and they leave I am shattered, I end up in bed tears flowing like mad. Though after a really good cry I am alright and the rest of the week goes fine but that cry has happened 3 times now. But I am sure this is very normal and nothing to be concerned about.

I did run into a weird problem that I went and talked to my healthcare professional about. I was woken up in the middle of the night with an erection that was very painful (btw erections are normal in humans). So I had to wait until it went away and it scared me a bit. This is due to the fact that on hormone blockers I normally don’t get them. On a scale of 1-10 it was about an 8. Which made it even more of a concern. When talking to my medical professional we looked at my levels and they were fine in fact they were really good. We also looked at the issue of that it is a muscle and had not been used for some time and thus the pain. What should you take away from this simple go and be a regular at your doctors office during your transition.

I dropped into my social worker this month as well. I call it checking my six and I just empty the stuff that might be on my back and a bit hard to carry. It helps to do this.

Well like I said not much this month in changes…..But keep your eyes open, I am going to lose this weight..