Well in keeping the page changes coming the Photos and Transition Timeline have been moved to the About Me page. I know it is an extra step but one I think will serve this page better.
Well in the redesign of the page I have removed a few links to pages. But I have placed them in links page as to not remove the whole page. The new design is going to mainly focus on my life as a writer who happens to be Transgender. But not as the Transgender Writer. The reason I did this was to make a very valid point that seems to be lost on so many people. First I am a Human who has a set of skills but with the added bonus I am also Transgender. I have been finding it very hard to find work because of the elephant in the room. It seems that when people look at me they see a Transperson not a skillful person first. So in changing the mind set I have also started to change my website / blog to reflect this. I want you my readers to see that while I am trying to place information I find. I also want you to see where I might not be finding work, I am working and not giving up. Following a bit of advice “If you can’t find it, Make it”.
I am a firm believer in a lot of Buddha’s teachings. But not a follower of his religion. A long time ago I came across a passage. I was really consumed in anger over a person’s actions. While I was reading a website this quote from Buddha caught my attention “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” I walked away thinking to myself how true that statement was. So I went on a search and that thought process became expanded with the following:
Once while the Blessed One stayed near Rajagaha in the Veluvana Monastery at the Squirrels’ Feeding Place, there lived at Rajagha a Brahman of the Bharadvaja clan who was later called “the Reviler.” When he learned that one of his clan had gone forth from home life and had become a monk under the recluse Gotama, he was angry and displeased. And in that mood he went to see the Blessed One, and having arrived he reviled and abused him in rude and harsh speech.
Thus being spoken to, the Blessed One said: “How is it, Brahman: do you sometimes receive visits from friends, relatives or other guests?”
“Yes, Master Gotama, I sometimes have visitors.”
“When they come, do you offer to them various kinds of foods and a place for resting?”
“Yes, I sometimes do so.”
“But if, Brahman, your visitors do not accept what you offer, to whom does it then belong?”
“Well, Master Gotama, if they do not accept it, these things remain with us.”
“It is just so in this case, Brahman: you revile us who do not revile in return, you scold us who do not scold in return, you abuse us who do not abuse in return. So we do not accept it from you and hence it remains with you, it belongs to you, Brahman…”
I walked away with a different view after reading this. It was from that point in my life I started trying to return gifts of hate with love. Though last night after a wonderful day with our children. I thought it would be nice to let my Ex-partner know that the children would be singing in their school carols. My intentions soon became twisted when the person chose not to support our children once again. I let the anger fill my cup to the point it flowed out. I told the person how about next year the children come live with me full time so she could go live with her new partner who lives 3 hours away. I offered her every other weekend and half of the holidays. I would carry the responsibility of the children’s school and extra circular activities. That simple offer was met with vile anger and her response was met with my own. I allowed myself to spill forth the reasons for why she needed to do it. I told her of all the problems the children were having while in her care. At this point I just should have said no thank you for your anger and walked away from sending that message.
But in doing what I thought was right for my children she replied in hate and anger over the fact of the truth being presented to her. She chose to take target at many things but not least to the issue of myself being Trans. She also said “I always place my children first”. I then caught sight in my reflection and it startled me. It was a face from a long time ago, one who thought anger was okay to be met with anger. I relaxed and tried once more for the children and said “So we shall see you tonight for the carols” and I left it at that. I knew that she would not show, but I wanted her to show up for the kids sake. I had noticed that her lack of caring in regards to the children were starting to frustrate me. These messages were the perfect example. I was shocked that I was dealing with a Disneyland parent and I allowed it to anger me. I did not see the clear blessings as the anger clouded my eyes. I could not see that it was such a blessing to enjoy a picnic with our children without her interruption. But once I began to step away from her it allowed me to focus my energies to the children and what a wonderful blessing it was. We sat and listened to the music and all the smiles of so many parents enjoying their children’s wonderful singing. We ate and enjoyed our food without competition. This is the reason this part of the season is so magical.
I now come full circle to what Buddha said (pardon I am paraphrasing) The gift of love is love, the gift of returned hate is that it is not yours. I think to myself in hindsight I could have had such a wonderful day if I would have never bothered in trying to move the Mule. But even looking at it I notice it is okay to stumble from time to time it allows us to see the clearer path that we should be taking. Who knows what will happen in the future, but one thing is for sure that I will no longer waste any time or energy trying to get the other parent to focus on our children. in closing I will leave you with one last thought and a small little lesson to reflect upon.
“One’s mind finds no peace, neither enjoys pleasure or delight, nor goes to sleep, nor feels secure while the dart of hatred is stuck in the heart”
Time changes all things and thus if we are unable or unwilling to change with them we are left to the sands of history. Such is the case with this blog. The concept of my blog has evolved over time in attempts to grab a market who might be interested in what life is like to be a Transwoman. Over the last three years I have met some amazing people and experienced some wonderful events. I have played my part on many different stages of life and these three years have been no exception.
Before I get into the up and coming changes I would like to address something that I have noticed in the Transcommunity and it brings with it a great deal of concern. That being that as the Transcommunity becomes more and more visual we are being met with a set of unrealistic expectations. Those being but not limited to the issue of Pass-ability, Employment, Sexual Objective-cation, and Sexual Attraction.
The issues that surround Pass-ability are nothing new. But the trend that is now starting to form is that if a Transwoman does not fully conform to the looks of Janet Mock, Lavern Cox and many others who are blessed to be able to look as stunning as they are. Then we are less valued this is extremely disturbing to say the least. We are worried about the unrealistic expectations place on young women and girls. But we seem to accept that these very same issues are being placed upon Transwomen. All I am asking is for the reader to take care of themselves and don’t shoot for the moon all the time. The fact is you might not make it and where you land might be a very difficult position to maintain.
Employment, I started my journey thinking that everything was going to just fall into place. I being educated would be able to find employment with ease. This has not been the case at all. In the last 200 jobs that I have applied for I have been interviewed about 10 times. All of those ending with a thank you but no thank you. To which I can only say it is the Elephant in the room was me and being Transgender. These were realistic jobs that I was more than qualified for and that Gender was not an issue. Though I must say the one job that stated “we really were looking for someone a bit more Masculine” took me back a bit… Though at the same time I felt great about how I looked, lol. So what can I say to bring all of us to reality. Simple this is life, you are going to have to get used to the fact that while the world is changing for the better there are still some people who cannot see past their own noses. So what can be done, build your own employment opportunity, if you can’t find it make it.
Sexual Objective-cation & Attraction, wow I thinking now I should have placed this right behind Pass-ability. The three walk hand in hand as we try to pass as what ever gender we feel closer to we are expected to be attracted to the opposite. When in fact this is not very accurate. We find out that those who are attracted to men have to have the overall pass-ability with a factor of 10. When in truth just like every other woman we vary on a scale of 1-10. We need to keep in mind that just because we might not make the 10, it does not mean we are not a 10 to someone else. Then there are those who are attracted to the same gender. This too can be a bit of a struggle as well. Due to the fact that being a lesbian but Trans at the same time is also an acquired taste. Requiring a person to look past the bits and bobs that are part of our body. The truth is that you might end up being single for the rest of your life. Get used to it, I am very sorry to point that fact out. But just like me I hope you are able to find someone special.
Now onto the future of this Blog.
For many months I have giving you a timeline with the ups and downs of my Transition. After so many months I have hit a developmental plateau. Where I am no longer seeing big changes to my body and that without surgery things are going to stay this way. When am I looking at surgery, in the future. We will leave it at that, it is kind of personal….So after thinking long and hard about my future as I am not finding employment. I need to become the change I want to see. I want the ability to have a life beyond what I see in the mirror every morning. So what I am going to do is really focus my efforts in writing. The blog is going to change it has to. But I am still going to keep all that I have done with it to this point. Why? well simple I am Trans there is nothing I want to change about that. But I want people to see what I have gone through, what I am going through and what I am going to do in the future about it.
So lets break it down. I am a Transwoman who is an Author. The blog will reflect this. I will give you updates on how things are going. I will also let you know when new books come out and when you can find me at speaking events. Or even how to have me come and speak at an event you might be having. I have gone through a lot and I have a good bit of wisdom getting to this point. I am going to remain part of the Launceston Human Library as I have really enjoyed my role in this wonderful organisation.
So now lets look at what the future holds…..
In 2016 I released my first published book, The Shadow of Ally. In this time I have grown to love writing. I have felt the sting of writers block, the crush of losing a valued source and the overwhelming joy of publishing. I had hoped that this year would also be a year in which I could release my second published work called “Leaves”. Due to events beyond what I was prepared for this has since been pushed back to 2018. I have also been lucky enough to get a wonderful jump into several other books as well. One called Cooking to connect, with this book I am hoping to bring to you the joys that my family has had over the years of cooking simple meals for wonderful company and family. These recipes bring together what we should never take for granted and that is Family and Friends. My next book that is underway is my first attempt into a fully fictional writing and it will be called “The Choice”. I am keeping this one very quite. Last but not least by any means is a book called “What they did not tell me about……” this book is still in concept phase. But those who know me know my crazy sense of humor. This book will be a tongue and cheek look at……I am not going to give you the full title yet.
Well closing this post all out the new year will see a change in posting as well. I will be scheduling in regular posts. Once again 2017 has been rough year. I would like to thank all my readers and friends that I have so come to know and love. I would love to give everyone a little Christmas gift. I have dropped the Price on the Kindle version of The Shadow of Ally to $2.99. This is for a limited time to say thank you to everyone. In the coming days this blog will change. But change can be a good thing!
Take care of yourselves and be kind to others. After all it is by our deeds we shall be known and you will reap what you sow.
Walking this path has been a very unusual walk. Some say the path to paradise is the path less traveled. When you look at it truer words cannot be found. I have noticed in myself the desire to keep walking this path. I had a bit of a thought to take the easy path and detransition. But the thing I tell my children is to say what you mean and mean what you say. I looked at all the pain I went through in my life leading me to this point. The beauty of accepting who I am and what I am like is my paradise of peace within myself.
I am still having some weight problems and there is not much I can do about that. But my issues with my body hair are almost all gone. It is so nice not to freak out when I look at the mirror. My Breast tissue has slowed to a snails pace. I am starting to look at surgery and what that will entail.
I do have some exciting news for those who are in the Tasmania region. A close friend of mine who works with LGBT community might be opening up a private practice. I will let you know when I know more. This is really good news!
I changed my doctor this past month as well. I am very lucky that I found a very understanding LGBT doctor. So sometime in the next month I will be meeting with him and talking over a path I will be taking. Exciting times ahead…
Tonight as I watched a movie alone. There was this love scene that was soft and beautiful. I looked at this couple as a bit of reality hit me. I might never know what this feels like ever again. Never to know the soft touch of another’s warm caress, the arms that hold me tight, the soft hand that reaches for mine in the middle of the night.
This is the cold reality I live with day in day out. One could say the cold reality of being Transgender. Sure I hear my friends tell me to get myself out more and meet new people. I really don’t know how or where to do that. They tell me I am an amazing person with so much strength. Yet all I see is a crumbling mound of fear of the unknown. I watch them walking holding hands, enjoying a meal, yet here I sit alone and scared. This is my bath tub filled with water, complete with icy bits of reality.
My Ice bath…….
Well it seems like life is teaching me a few new lessons. With HRT come changes that Transwomen are not told about. So has been the case this month. Let me break it down just a little for you.
It is so hard to find a real good one. One that does not judge and listens to your needs and wants. You may go through a few and it is best to ask around for advice on which ones are safe to work with. I did a lot of looking before this past week settling down and finding one that worked well and listened. I hope this will be a long term relationship because I hate retelling my story over and over again.
Below the belt…. oops Waste line
I started having a new problem this past month and that was my “Parts” below have reduced in size to a point that it is a bit hard to use the restroom even while sitting down accidents happen…. For this issue you might want to make sure what little you might have is pointed downward. Shrinkage WILL happen and there is nothing you can do about it.
I keep trying to throw it away but it seems to want to return a lot. I now am starting to understand Hormones and weight gain a bit better. Some women find it hard to gain while others find it hard to lose. I am at the stage where physical effort is not working as fast as it once did. So enter the doctor for help… Will update later…..
On a side note, Healing
Well there will come a time and a point where a broken heart heals. Mine did this somewhere and I am not really sure. When my ex picked up the kids I did not even give a second look. In fact something odd happened I looked at this person and wondered, Why? Why did I enter a relationship with you.. It was so very odd and strange feeling. There was no malice or ill feelings in fact it was very devoid of them.
Well I know that I am a writer and I need to work on my book. But writers hit speed bumps called writers block. It sucks and you end up beating yourself to a pulp wondering why you can’t get over it. So I started to pull back a little on the writing side and see if I could get a part time job. I have applied for so many jobs and I have been knocked back so many times it is not even funny. This last one I got knocked back for really took me off my feet a bit. I was MORE than qualified for it, I had plenty of experience and yet they still said no thank you. It hurt to be honest, in so much as I went and had a conversation with my good friend Vik. She told me that this is something that needed to be expected. I have a few things going against me, Age, Woman, Trans with kids. It is just a large thing for companies to deal with.
Look I know all about the law and hiring people sure it says you can’t base you hiring off those issues. But believe me they do!…. I am still looking fort a job and I hope to work on the book soon ideas are starting to flow a bit more.
Hey Thanks for reading have a good one…. ❤