I once knew this person…

I once knew this person who by all accounts was the most beautiful person I had ever met. I watched her from a distance as she grew up to make choices that changed her.  These changes were small to start with but little bit by little bit the beauty of the person I once knew was gone.

Be careful of who you choose to be with as friends, lovers or what ever. If you have to change things about who you are to keep a person or to attract a person. Then you might not know who you are. No amount of schooling can teach you the simple rule of to thine own self be true.

Yeah I did want to grab this person give them a big wake up call, but in the end it is their choice how they live their life. Of this much I am sure time is fleeting. When you die you can only take with you the weight of your soul. If it is as empty as a broken cup what will you have to be measured?

I have spent these last two years working on knowing myself without the other person in my life. I have had to mourn the passing of this person from my life just as if that person would have died. I needed a bit of grounding this past week and I called in on a close friend to whom I can trust. We talked a bit about being who I am and in time someone might just see me for the real me and be okay with that. Being honest yeah I would love to be in a relationship. Though at the same time I am enjoying the rest and relaxation of bonding with my children without distraction.

SO am I ready for someone in my life……maybe. But are they ready to meet the ghost of my past…..possibly. But this I know and I like so many others need to be reminded at times good things come to those who wait.

Watch out I have an Agenda

Whoops……

Maybe i should re think my title, yeah right no. When I stepped out of the shadows there was a lot of lies around external sources telling me I should just do it. But what it did was to give me the clearest vision I have ever had. I watched a number of people turn into horrific individuals that I have ever known. Now I know I say that I have never had to experience people being rude to my face, in public…… Family can be the biggest problems, you can chose you friends, but you don’t get a choice with family. Even the ones you were told they would never be like that until they are.

I started to think to myself how can I help affect change. I am in my 40’s and Trans. I started looking at who was close to me and how they did not care and took me for being me, I started to review what I could do. I started being vocal about being Trans. I stopped hiding who I was and what I had gone through. I was a subject on the Humans of Launceston, then a friend told me about The Human Library Project here in Launceston. That was a big step out of my comfort zone. It became a step forward in creating a path where I could effect change.

This past week this speaking project began to payoff. On Friday I spoke to small groups of youth 15-18 at there college / high school. When two lives came forward and asked me about being Trans. Because they had reasons for trying to understand. Then I was asked by three young men who did not understand and wanted to know more. We had a wonderful chat talking about being Trans and what it was like growing up. I was moved so very much by one person asking to understand. I was really shocked that I walked away being more and more educated on the future of Australia. They are asking why and trying to understand.

So back to my agenda, I don’t have one though I do hope that people will read my book, read my website / blog. I laugh every time I hear people say the LGBT+ community. I think it is a bit of a cop out. No not phobia, more like they don’t want to experience change. They listen to leaders who are creating fear and mistrust telling them what to think instead of thinking for themselves.

I started thinking what can I do for the future and right now that goal is on track. Last night I finished my test on being an accredited mental health first aider.  When about two years ago my Brother was mine. It is amazing fucked when people push another person towards Suicidal thoughts or even drag them down into depression. Lucky my brother saw what was going on long before it even got to that point. He stood up and said enough is enough time to get out and take charge of your life.

Yeah I still see all the hate from some of my family member past and present. But you know what they have enough baggage of their own that they need to work through and I am not going to be like them. In fact I am going to lift where I stand. I am going to be that voice that says “we can”.

 

Been Busy

Well to say things are busy is the understatement of year for me. I have chosen to go back to school in the hopes to be working in the community service sector dealing with LGBT issues. Being that I am part of the community it might be a wise choice. So I want to belay your concerns that the site might close down with my book being launched, it did not. Then because of school the site might be shut down, nope I am keeping it up. One more year has just been paid for. Thanks to the sales of the book!

So where is the site going well right now it is going to a stable platform for my transition and the timeline. I am going to be trying to add information as I find it. I will try to add other information as I can.

I would like to add a bit of plump to this post. There has been something I have been seeing around in the community and that is running before you walk. Stepping out of the shadows is a big deal. It takes a lot of courage and there are a lot of risks that we are not ready for. In the attempt to be our true-selves we sometimes forget to take small steps. We overbook our lives in a rush to be what we have always felt like. So as I look at what I did and even I know I did the same running as it is normal. SO I hope that if you read this you might slow down a small bit. Enjoy every pain, smile, fear, tear and every other emotion that we were never told about. Life is a wonderful experience that does not come with warning labels. But this is a friend trying to tell you to be careful.
~Ally

Uhaul

Well here is something that might shock you. In the last two years I have learn of a term called “Uhaul”. What is it you might ask. Well let me put you to ease it is not a self-moving company as you might have heard of. Not that there is anything wrong with them. What it is, is a relationship trait that people do in the LGBT+ communities or is it? So not let me give you the context of it. You meet a person you like said person. So you make your play and you ask for a date and lucky enough for you that person accepts. You both seem to hit it off so it happens again. Then on the third date apx. the conversation turns to when do you want to move in plans “Uhaul”. Now this is not always happening but it is happening enough to make it a subject of tongue and cheek conversation.

Now I must say that while this is out of the ordinary it is not something I would called a bad thing. I would have to say from a personal point, why I don’t understand the mentality behind such a choice. In class today we talked about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I started to look at myself in the view of “Uhaul”, would I make such a risk taking leap of faith. I started to review the pyramid of needs. Then I came to the self realization of no I am not in the need of companionship that I need to rush into any relationship. Now I am not saying it is a bad personality trait to need the kind of 1,2, Uhaul in a relationship. In fact some people have built very successful outcomes from that. But for me personally I just don’t need or want anything like that. What I want is something built on trust and understanding.

Since the implosion of my former relationship of 14 years. I have learned so much about who I am, I am learning that the love I want to have near me is self love. Learning to know that I don’t need someone else to define me, I need me to define me. I have been having conversations with a person to whom if I said the persons name the world around me would explode. So this person and I have looked at what the last 14 years really were and that I because of my own wants not NEEDS lead me to make a very poor choice. We talked about toxicity of relationships and what the impact of hanging in there when I should never have been there. We have not covered the costs of my choices but the top of the Pyramid I reached a long time ago on my own. Though saying I reached the top does not mean that I came to terms with it. I am learning still and learning takes time.

So today I got to talk to a young yet very smart young lady “K”. We touched a bit on Uhaul and she brought me to a small bit of understanding that I had overlooked. I am not a Uhaul type person and I want to have my own personal space. She installed a small spark of deeper understanding that I need my time with my kids and I need it to be “Us”. Because we walked away from the past (*&^^%$%$%&*&)()(U*&^&*%^*^&% (that cannot be talked about kindly). We held each other as we rebuilt our lives and it is “Us” who will survive the storms. Uhauling for me is unfair to another person to come in because of the bond we have. Whoever comes in my life needs to be strong enough to also understand the bond we have. They also need to understand that my issues are still being understood as I sit at the top.

While writing to my pen pal not “K” but the explosion model. That I have come a long way in a span of only 2 years. I love my Brother, two years ago I was a broken person filled with hate and anger not because of being Trans and not being able to do anything about it. But because I am a Human being and I did not deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. My brother at the time did not solve my problems because I needed to be empowered and solve them myself. Sometimes until you hit rock bottom you cannot see the ladder to climb up has been right in front of you the whole time. Until the betrayal took place and I was not at rock bottom. I could not see the ladder in front of my face because the smoke screen was so thick that I was trying to find air to breath. When I hit the bottom I started to reach out and grab hold of anything I could find and step by step rung by rung I look back and see the smoke at the bottom of the Pyramid and I see so much more.

SO why call this post about Uhaul if it was more to deal with the Pyramid that lies in front of so many of us. Well I made a very bad choice because of want not need. I wanted to be with a shadow, a construct, a myth and yeah even a destroyer of worlds. So bad that Need was never considered. SO while I may not understand the Uhaul mentality and that it takes us on that path. I do understand the results of poor choices when Uhauling.

Last thing I want to call to this top of my Pyramid is that knowing what you did wrong and the payment is now due. At least I know what I did wrong and to never rush past my gut feelings. There I was 2002 June. Sitting in a strange house it was dark say about 6pm. We just had our first fight. But then we started talking about Uhauling then something happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks. That gut feeling saying something is very wrong. But instead I listened to my heart saying “don’t worry about that outburst she had at you, pack the house and move to be with her” . Oh such a fool was I, I knew better, I knew never buy the first time the salesman comes knocking, and wait. Take your time go slow make sure that this beautiful soul is not a Medusa.

Facebook Friend Requests

I am always very happy to add readers but if you want to be added. Please send me a message with the request first. Because if I don’t know you I am not going to add you as I have been getting a LARGE amount of people phishing for information. I am not some newbie computer user. I even get people who can easily seen as Trolls when the use names like General George Martin. Then you look at their profile and they have only used FB for two months and have no friends.

I just don’t understand…..

I wonder what it is like to know you might be the most hated president in American History. Not that I want to wear the shoes let alone walk a mile in them. The Hypocritical nature of Trump really boggles me. Then I see people all over the place supporting him and his cronies. I am completely shocked at the treatment of “others”. By “others” I mean people that don’t fit into the mold of right wing Christians who think they are above all others. That unless you contort you beliefs to what they believe then you will not be saved and are going to hell.

I grew up in a religious house most members are still Mormons. I was raised to believe that the church was the one true church and all others were just attempts at the truth. I left because I saw some holes in their structure that could not be filled. They always stated that their leaders were in direct contact with God. This year something really shocked me when that very same church supported the election of Trump. This is why if you believe in God and what he is said to stand for, then why would you support a person like Trump. Unless God does not support what we think he supports. Because if you are in direct contact with him why would he say “Yeah its a great idea, I like Trump”. As a believer I just can’t link the two, it does not make sense.

Then I see the hate crimes and the legal system in the US support them. Some of those hate crimes are committed by the police themselves. Stand Rock and the deaths of unarmed blacks are just a couple. I am not saying that all police are bad in fact I support them. But the bad apples are not being removed are the whole basket is being ruined. Then this week a man was shot taking out his wallet. I just don’t understand.

Time and money is being wasted on the issues of Bathrooms and Transwomen. At the same time Transwomen are being called Snowflakes for saying “WTF?”. When all this time there has never been an arrest of a Transwomen in bathroom incidents, but look at how many republican leaders have been busted….Just saying that all that money is being wasted on such stupid issues when it could solve so many problems. It is also being driven by the right wing Christians. At what point do they think God is okay with their actions?

I just don’t understand what is going on in the US and the rest of the world is starting to question it as well. Then we have these big churches that are raking in the money while really doing nothing with it except lining their pockets.When a teacher of God has a multi million dollar home and drives a car you can never hope to have, are you really listening to the right person?

I saw something this week a so called debate in Australia about marriage equality supported by a company called Coopers. Who are linked to the side who does not support marriage equality. It by no means was a debate, as both of the sides of the debate were from the same political party that does not support marriage equality. Then the backlash of people against Coopers started popping up with people and bars throwing out the products of this company. Then posting them doing so on Facebook for the world to see. But the company is shocked at the response of the community.

What the fuck is going on is the world going crazy? These are just a few of the issues this week that have completely confused me……just saying

Open letter to Mem Fox

Dear Mem,

I hope you done mind me calling you by your first name. I just need to say to you thank you so much for your wonderful books that allowed me to look at Australia in a whole new light with my kids at my side. I marveled at the excitement and the joy in every page that you wrote. The smiles in my children’s eyes and the excitement for every page.

In 2017 I heard what happened when you flew to my home country of America. I was dismayed and shocked at the treatment that you received. I was angered that someone could treat another person the way you were treated. I heard about the bans on Muslims and the treatment of others who’s names even sounded Muslim (ie Ali’s son). But there was never a personal touch that your voice gave it.

I was watching the ABC the other night and listened very closely to what you had to say. I felt a profound sadness, you see my family is a revolutionary family. Let me expand a bit more. Above my father fireplace sits a flint lock that was passed down the family tree since 1806. My mother was a member at one time of the Daughters of the American Revolution. In case you don’t know your family tree has to show proof that you had family who fought for the freedom and rights other every American at that time. Some families gave some and some families gave all. We have family that lies dead on both sides of Gettysburg. My Grandfather was in WWII may dad fought in several conflicts and Vietnam. My dad received medals for saving hundreds lives in Japan after WWII when China took back some islands in the 50’s. My nephew fought in many conflicts. In all of our family we never supported such hate filled actions to which you received. I am proud of what my family gave for freedom. I am sad at the losses we received in doing so.
I cried when Trump, who I will never call my president. signed orders giving such power to do such horrific acts to you and others. I shed so many tears when America lost it ranking as a Democratic country. I cried my heart out when it dawned on me that I can never return home even for a visit because i am Transgender and I no longer feel safe there.

Let me return to the point of my letter. I wanted to write you to say I am sorry for the way you were treated. I know deep in my heart our family fought for something far greater than these monster could ever hope for. Yes I know I don’t have to say anything. But saying nothing to you and hundreds others is just as wrong as doing it. I am drawn to the quote from Edmund Burke “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”. While I can not return home now or if ever, my voice will not be silent.

Thank you for being so brave and saying you will never return and making a stand saying why. More need to voice there disdain at the actions of this so called free state that is nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I wish you all the best, if I could. If time someday allows me to return home for a visit in safety. I would be glad to sit at a table and enjoy a meal with anyone who was treated the way you were because it was not the way our family was raised. It was not what we spilled our blood for….

Thank you,

A. Robins