Children…

At an early stage in life I knew I wanted children. In some ways I wanted to be a mum. Nothing more than a mum. As I grew up I made so many errors and none of them lead me to this goal in life correctly.

Fast forward in time…..1995 was the changes but in 2001 I made a huge error I gave up on that dream and it has haunted me ever since. That was until 2006 when he entered my life. 30 hours of labor and then an emergency c-section. Out came this little man who I got to clean up and hold him first. I was in so much love at the feeling of what was going on deep inside. Then 2 more miracles followed. But it was this little man that changed me. It started so fast that I lost track of the speed of it.

I stopped being so damn selfish and started to understand the true meaning of love. I started to understand that my children were my greatest accomplishment in time. I wanted to spend so much time with them. I watched my step daughter grow into a wonderful lady. I even consider her one of my kiddos. We bonded a lot as we drove back and forth to her choir practices. When she was 19 she changed her last name to be mine and it was at this time that I knew I was in heaven. I had four children who I was not going to make mistakes with. HA! I did, we all do, it is part of being a parent. In fact those errors in some strange way bring us closer to these blessings we call children. But only if we own the error and strive to improve.

This week I learned a little bit more about my son (G) who needed to talk at a weird hour (1am). He woke up and came into my room and woke me up and said “I need to talk”. We agreed years ago that I would always listen and that I would always have an open door for them to talk at anytime. I knew by the way he was alert he had been up for some time. Lights off and just us two. After an hour and his last question “Do you still love mum” wow this was a big question that I am sure was what was on his mind the whole time i bet. I told him as I have a few times when he has asked, Yes. Yes, I do love his mum. His reply was unusual “You need to stop and move on”.

I had to explain to him that I was not in love with his mum. I love the fact that the two of us gave life to him and his siblings. I ensured him that love is a very complicated thing. That a person can love someone, but not be in a feeling of needing to be with that person. It is a hard thing to explain but it is a wonderful experience. I also told him that loving a person that you are not in love with is like how I feel about him and his siblings. I love each and every one of them and I want only the best for them. But the love a parent has for a child even is stronger than being in love for another person. We would do anything and give anything to be around them and do things for them. But we are not what people would say Romantically in love with them.

It was at this part in our conversation, I once again knew why I love being a parent so much. He turned to me and said dad thank you for talking to me. I was very concerned for you. I knew what he meant by his statement. He followed that up with “so are you ever going to find someone to be in your life?”. It was at this point that I needed to ensure him that my life is full enough without needing someone to be in that part. It would be nice but I was secure enough with my life that it was not a requirement. There was a deep sigh in the darkness that was unspoken concern from him. We talked some more and I ensured him that if someone special wanted to be a part of my life they would have to understand that my children came first in my life. That resulted in a hug from him.

I turned to him and said I think you should be able to get some sleep now? Yeah I think I can, was his reply to me. So we went into his room and I tucked him in (yeah at almost 13 he still likes to be tucked in). As I walked out of the room in a low voice I heard “I love you, thank you dad” this did not come from him it came from my youngest daughter. I told both of them good night and that I loved them both. I went in and tucked her in once more as well. I received another blessing, a hug.

I remember when I used to get woken up by the sound of a vomiting child. This was much better than the sheer panic of vomit, ha ha ha. It was one the best blessings in my life to have a talk about life with my children. I did not know that my Daughter was listening but once again blessings. I worry about the impact of a divorce on my children. But these conversations helped me see what they are thinking and feeling. I started having this “talkie time” with them years ago when they were young. It has been one of the biggest and wisest choices I could have ever done. They now feel like no matter what the issue is they can talk it out with me. What a blessing….

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Deep thoughts

I was thinking the other day about forgiveness and walking away. Some times we are faced with the choice of leaving. We can do it in haste or through a long drawn out process. To be honest I have left many things both ways and in the middle a couple of times. But I keep coming back to the reality that walking away can be the best solution. I was 18 the first time I fell in love with someone. But it was not love at all. More like wow she’s a really good looking and a good kisser. But when it ended I simply walked away. There was not pain, anger or even hurt feelings. It was just over. To this day I still remember her name and where she lived. She was a really lovely person.

A year or so later I met my first wife. I look at the feelings of love in a few different ways. Love is to me like a candle. You can buy the really good ones that have almost no smell but seem to last forever and give off a wonderful light. You can buy the ones that have some smell and will last for a long time but they are just for looks without giving any benefit to others. Then there are those candles you buy for birthday cakes that when blown out will relight. Then last we have those candles on the same cake that burn so fast and are done before you know it. Don’t get me wrong none of these candles are bad, they all are purposeful. Candles just like love burn at different rates. Sometimes we are very stupid and hold on as the flame burns us. What have we learned well that is up to you and the time you spend in reflecting on it.

That first marriage was like the candle that burned so quickly and I tried to keep a hold of it and I got burned. I walked away and learned a lot from it. A few years later of being single I met my second wife. I was the candle that burned to quickly and I had a fire that was way to hot. She left and I felt like my world would end. Just like the candle that glows red after being blown out. I learned once more.

A year or so later, I did not learn all that much and I married again. I made a huge error in judgement and with that error people got burned and hurt. So did I, in the end. I did not look at the candle close enough and ignored the warning signs that were there from the start. As my hand was burning I still tried to hold on to this wonderful candle. I figured that with a good relationship some pain must happen. In hindsight that is so very far from correct thinking. Just like a good candle, good love does not cause pain. It will not burn you. Nor does it mislead you with false labels, some saying how good they are. 

As we drove away that fateful night we began a lesson that we had to learn. A lesson that can only be taught by the fire of self discovery. It burned so very hot as we sat in that little shelter that was our new home for 2 weeks. We learned about pain of lost love. We learned about the love that binds a family that pulls together and is there for each other. We learned about who we were as we began a new life just the four of us. But when I thought that candle that was the love of my life was going out three more began to shine brighter than what that tiny little candle ever could.

That was 2015 now we are in 2019 and I am amazed at all that we have accomplished as a little family of four. Yeah things were hard and at times they still are. But we always come back together as a family of four. So, where was I going with all of this. Well time does not heal all wounds and some ghosts are in our lives to lead us to what we do want in our lives. Yeah I see a ghost almost weekly and I have had to learn to live with it. I have leaned to learn to ignore it as well. Because I am surrounded by such vibrant life that is our Children. This time I am right where I need to be in my life and I am so very thankful for that.

New years resolutions

Well isn’t this the stuff we call junk ideas. Well at least I do….

I have made the choice to start looking at my surgeries. While this might be a hard read for many. It is something I have been thinking hard about. I started talking to a good friend who has said she would be there for me during and afterwards for the surgeries. I think my path to completion is going to be a little different than others as I will look and research each choice before writing about it then I will undergo said surgery.

I have been looking at a wide list of them as well as which is the best for my budget. Writers are not rich generally speaking and I am not about to run a Gofundme as I think this is a very personal event in my life. Yet I am going to blog about it, lol. Kinda an oxymoron isn’t it. Plus the idea of Begging for money just feels wrong to me. If something is important enough then you will save for it.

The reason I came to this choice is that I have spent 50 years not really liking who was in the mirror. About three years ago that started to change as I started on HRT. The path has not always been a great one there have been losses along the way. But to me dead weight is just that dead, so why drag it along behind you. Those that I have lost well that is their loss not mine.

The first surgery that I am looking at is called an Bi-lateral Orchiectomy. Which is the removal of testicles and the sperm cord. HRT has done a lot for me. This is normally done during the reassignment surgery but since Medicare does not fund that. But does fund the Bi-lateral Orchiectomy. My thought process is to break up the components of the reassignment surgery. So since my doctor is not bulk billed I am going to save a few dollars and have a meeting with him about it all. It should be done in a day surgery in and out without to many issues. My close friend will pick me up and the healing part will start.

I am also going on a diet to shed the excess weight that HRT and being a writer has given me. If you did not know to receive reassignment surgery one must be below 80-90 kgs. I think it will take me a year to drop the weight safely but I am going to do it. So the main surgery will be towards 2020. But that will be okay giving me a year to get rid of some issues that my ex is causing once more. Healthy mind, Healthy body…..

I will be 50 this year and I think it is about high time to start making a move to a more harmonious life. Some of that path will take me down a bit of physical pain but in the end a few steps closer to my reality. I hope that you will join me in my writings on this path. There was a large amount of soul searching in 2017 that have lead me to this point. So lets enjoy the journey.

So Happy New Year…..

NYE

Hello my wonderful readers as the new year is close. I would like to send a msg out to all of you to please be careful. I know this is a little redundant as you might have heard this a few times. But I cannot express it enough that I do value all of you. We all know that there are those out there who don’t. So if you don’t mind let me drop a few suggestions.

  1. Please if you go out,When walk don’t do it alone. Safety in numbers is a real thing.
  2. NEVER leave your drink alone.
  3. Let people know that you are going out.
  4. Don’t use drugs that will compromise your sense of understanding.
  5. Dress with brains…..
  6. When walking put you phone away.
  7. In the end er on the side of caution and keep yourself safe.

What can I say I have children and I think like a parent. So as I leave you with this message. Have a safe and happy New Years Evening and a safe start to the new year.

Much love
~Ally

To all my readers

Here are are coming to the close of 2018. I am not 100% sure that I will be able to make another post this year as I am beyond busy. So I am going to take this few minutes to tell you in this holiday season. Be kind, Be forgiving, Be honest, Be loving, Be good to others, Pray for those who have less than you, Be active in working to help those who are not as blessed as you and in the end do these to yourself as well.

So I wish you all the best and thank you for your readership. Thank you to all those who keep buying my book and hanging out for the next one. I really did not think it would take this long to finish them. Have a wonderful holiday season ……..

Love ~Ally

Why are you Transgender? Yup I have been asked….

What a strange and personal question to ask me. But hey I would rather you send me an email asking me like you did than pester some young kid. So lets get this going, by the way it is going to be a long answer.

Birth Defect?

Well it could be a possibility, but to be 100% there is not evidence to suggest that being Transgender is a Birth Defect. Though I have seen some people in the Trans community saying that the “problem” of having the wrong “parts” is a Birth Defect. But this does not really hold much sway in the professional circles. Plus the use of the word Defect means that it is Defective. I have children and I know that they are mine. So my equipment did work. Plus we see news reports of Transmen having babies.

Mother used Drugs or was given Drugs.

Well while my mum was not the greatest in the world. I do know that my mum had a normal gestational period without any issues that might cause concerns. Plus we have seen time and time again that babies born addicted. having links to social based issues and health based issues, not Gender based issues. Though I could be wrong….

Gender Dysphoria is a western world problem.

Well this is not 100% true, but true to some part. In the South Pacific island there are some that have a 3rd gender. There are also Tribes in the First nations of the America’s who also do not hold to the 2 gender stereotypes. Then we need to review the issues of the Norse who also had a non-standard “Gender” group. Time and time again history has been twisted by Christianity and the over zealous nature of those who in charge of it at different time periods. So without really digging into the histories to much it might be safer to say that without knowing where the white washing took place is to not point vague fingers.

Took drugs.

Well, you should really have a think about that one. In simple Baby boomers should been a less anal, lol. While I have smoked a few joints in the past I doubt that would have done it to me. Why because I knew the feelings of something was odd, before I found drugs. I was six years old when things started to not add up.

Mental Health Issue

Well in a way yes it is much like Dyslexia is. Both are issues of the brain where something is not lining up. Both have treatment plans to reduce the issues linked to the disorder. As for me I am doing HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which have calmed a lot of my issues but not all of them. We also need to see that it is a physical based issue and not a mental health one. Unless the environment that a Transperson is part of is creating one.

The three following links are resources that you can read up on that will help you start to understand the Brain structures and being Transgender. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/05/180524112351.htm https://www.medicaldaily.com/transgender-peoples-brain-structures-are-different-cisgender-folks-study-423107
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4987404/

I believe if my memory servers me correctly that the last study was a blind study done on several cadavers. That included Trans and Cis individuals.

Next we need to address the confusion of Body Dysmorphia & Gender Dysphoria and the dichotomy that exists. I am including a couple of links that will help you better under the differences.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/8-things-you-should-know-about-body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/expert-q-and-a

Also we as a society as a whole need to stop picking and choosing the science which we believe in. BTW science does not care if you believe in it. A fact is a fact, the earth is round, gravity works, vaccines save lives, and the science behind Gender is solid. The only reasons people argue otherwise is personal dislike or religious.

Conclusion

I hope this answers a few ideas on why I am Transgender. Don’t worry even I am still trying to understand everything about being Transgender. I have spent several hours and looking at countless resources. Just to understand the question of Why am I Transgender. Hope this answers your question.

Answers

Sometimes it is sad when you are forced to drop a anvil to make a point. But the answers sometimes are what you expect and it reaffirms what you thought all along. So what do you do now? Sometimes nothing, sometimes there is nothing you can do. It is hard when it is a friend, lover, or family. But those feelings are the truth of your concerns or emotions. When you cross that bridge it can be okay to look back as you strike the match that burns it down. Leave the footings if that person tries to make a new bridge. There is nothing wrong in the good foundations only the choices that were made later. No one says that you have to allow that bridge to reach your side of the chasm that once was a crack. Sometimes we have to accept that some gaps cannot be crossed. 

Learn to say goodbye and learn to mourn the loss. But do not learn to be consumed by that loss no matter who they were. You are you and only you can chose to make something better of who you are. So learn to be kind to you while being critical of your flaws. It will not be to painful to fix those flaws. But in the end you will be your own masterpiece. Be the you that little child once wanted to be, be your own captain. In the end just be the masterpiece you that only you can be. 

Have a hammer and chisel of a day.
~Ally