Sometime new

As many of my readers might know I have been going back to school. For me this is becoming a wonderful choice for a number of reasons. I love to watch people and how they interact with myself in or around their circles. SO new to all my wonderful class mates I am learning from watching you. This is not a bad thing nor will I ever make it out to be. In fact some of the lessons I am being taught have really opened up my eyes to Male/female interaction. Now I am not talking about Male Privilege what I am looking at is from my point of view how men talk when women are around them.

For example today I was questioning a quest speaker when experienced something that I have seen men do to women quite often. I am not going to talk about Mansplaining, what it is or seems to be is a disconnection of polite conversational skills. This is not an issue of being rude but more of a point of quite possibly hierarchy and the outdated ideals that what a man might say carries more importance.

It was very unusual experience but when I looked at another woman in the room it felt like there was a form of unspoken conversation that took place between the two of us. So much so it felt like she was saying welcome to womanhood with just a look. I think that men don’t know when they are projecting this form of communication. Much like most men might not understand the nuisances of nonverbal female communication. It does not make it right or wrong but possibly a form of normalization through years of male patriarchy. Now all and all I could be 100% wrong, but I can never recall seeing a woman doing this act.

Learning new things from close interacting thanks to my class mates is the openness that some of them have to say such kind “Female Gendered” compliments. Such as “Ally, you look nice today”. In the beauty of the kindness it took me back a bit as not being used to such a compliment from someone I hardly know. There have been other events that have raised an eyebrow or two, mind you all of them very positive.

The school is also in a learning stage when it comes to dealing and talking with Transgender community. In fact it has been done with so much respect that I feel like I am cared for as a person not just a student. I look forward to each week and the new lessons that I am being taught.

Coping with mental health

As I have not been scared to talk about mental health in the past and how it has changed my life and the lives of my children. Something happened and I felt it important to touch on an event that took place this past month. The name is made up but what happened is real.

We will call this wonderful person Ashley because you can’t tell if the person is a Boy or a girl. Now I’ve been friends with Ashley for a long time. Ashley is and will always be an addict. Now before you start thinking drugs the are a lot of things to be addicted to. But in this case drugs is spot on.

One of the most horrific issues thanks to drugs is the mental deteration of a person’s overall mental health. The more the person uses and the types of drugs they use will have adverse effects. I love Ashley to bits, I have picked Ashley up when no one’s else would or could. Ashley has a way of popping in and out of people’s lives.

 Ashley comes as soft as flowers of spring in the morning air and leaves like a shop in a storm on the Cape of good Hope. Over time the storms have started to increase and become less predictable. It is not the same type of storm one normally sees due to standard mental health issues.

I awoke to the smell of flowers one day Ashley had returned. At the time I welcomed Ashley back into our lives with open arms and heart. Over time more social side effects from the drugs that Ashley took in excess became more and more noticeable. The ripples of the storm were staying to form. I began to see the loss of the friend I was so glad to have back rear is head like the dragon that Apple Ashley from is in thistle horrible thing we call addiction. When the waves began most of us were ready to row to shore. But sadly as we watched Ashley could not make it and drifted off to sea.

Ashley is still alive but like some storms Ashley left a bit of damage in its wake. The part of Ashley that knew the lives that would be affected is now gone. Due to the side effects of drugs and what they have robbed Ashley of this normal part of most of us. The that says hey jackass don’t act like that others will be hurt.

So now the friends are left to clean up after the big storm. Which each of us are doing in our own way. We knew the storm was coming this time we were ready for the damage. The storm still hurt but not like it had on the past. Ashley is not able to see the damages that part is also gone. Sometimes as destruction gives new life we will be ready for the flowers to Blossom. Ashley will come back and those that love will be ready with open arms. We once again will be shocked of the losses due to the drugs. But love will be in our hearts good thoughts will be in our minds.

Coping with mental health issues sometimes will never get better but you can become purposeful in your readiness to avoid most of the pain that survivors deal with on a regular basis. Some drugs Rob so much that the addict will never fully recover. But love and hope we can bone together and create hope in a place that when they flower they can return.

Now saying this there are times when cutting the cord had to be done. That is a story for another time. Love and understanding of the mourning process helps. Best wishes Ally

Another tears falls

Sometimes taking a stand for what is right casualties follow. When I stepped out of the shadows of my life I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of people who stayed and said they were my friends. Since that time I have learned that change happens and sometimes that change is a good thing. I started to post my disgust with what happened in the banning of the press because Trump did not like them….It quickly turned to a conversation about Gender. I was surprised that an old friend really was not a friend but more of someone who knew me when I was younger. I had thought that this person was wise enough to know what I stood for and where I drew my lines but over time I started seeing posts that concerned me and that did not fit with my personal moral code, but out of respect for our past friendship. I just blocked her posts that way I did not have to see the hate she was saying. Which the conversation turn a sour note and in the end it ended our friendship.
I love history if you did not know. In fact it is something that I am a bit of a nerd about. I am also a people watcher of what is going on around me. I try to be like a duck and let it roll off my back like rain. But once in awhile I speak up when things are wrong. Well I will have to say my voice about the Transgender community has cost me a friend. But I will not support such US hate filled rhetoric to be spoken when I can stand and prove it wrong. 40% needs to change and the only way to save lives is to speak up and crush the haters. Who in the end is the one who loses in the loss of a friend. Not me when I look at all the hate you spill forth, I no longer have to hide you from those I protect.

Month 18 Transition Timeline update

 

Emotional  Development

It has been a good month no weird crying outbursts but some of that is I have started to approach some of my life challenges with a different mindset.

Physical Development

Fat issues time to be honest the high fat diet idea did wonders for my breast tissue, but it wrecked my ability to fit into some of my clothes that I love. So the diet is going but once again it is a fun adventure. Don’t eat that but you can eat this wonderful tasteless green leafy shit, lol. My hips are a bit thicker than I have had in the past so I feel that is due to the hormones. I have not noticed changes in my butt.

Skin issues

I started using products from The Body Shop things have changed a lot this past month. My skin is so soft and it is so nice.

Olfactory senses

If I could breath through my nose I might be able to smell things

Breast Development

Okay I have seen and felt a fuller breast my borderline B cup is now a B cup without problems. I have not had any soreness behind the nipple which has been present for most of my transition. But I am still having the ichy issues around the breast which does mean the breasts are still growing.

New developments

Hair Growth in areas has slowed almost to the point that it is not growing. Facial hair is still having some growth, I will need to seek electrolysis once money gets a bit better. I  have been getting some better sleep this month as well. I changed my sleep schedule this month which is helping my overall health.

This month I have been needing more sleep than normal I am going to bed at 9pm most nights and waking up at 7am. For me in the past 6 hours was more than enough. I thought maybe I am a bit run down with all the crap that went on over the past year. BUt I don’t really think that was the issue. I think with all the changes that are going on I just need more sleep.

What would I do?

I got an interesting email this week asking me the following question “What would you do if you died and got to heaven and God asked you would you like your Body fixed so that you could be whole as a male?”

Wow this was a hard question. The first thing I need to say is thank you for thinking I am going to Heaven. I think it is bullshit that some people assume Transgender people will go to hell. I want to hit them with a bible and say Prove it! Next the word “Fixed” is something I prayed for since I was a little child. But the results of “Fixed” would not to be male. Since I started hormones for once in my life I have not had to struggle with hating everything about me. To me that is a wonderful feeling everyday I take the meds I know I am feeling better. The struggle of everyday life calmed down and I am different person.

So if god asked what I wanted to make me whole I would tell him the following. First thank you for being born in a time where I could be helped to stop the pain of everyday. If you are going to fix me, let me tell what I would like. Sir I would like to have my mind and my feelings match the body I have enjoyed since the day I started to be calm. I would love to have my fixed body to be in tune with what every other woman enjoys. Give me the Flaws, the pain, the joys, the happiness that I have wanted all my life. Please make my body as beautiful as my heart feels.

I think if God Truly knew me, that what I would asking him he would be ready for. I don’t think to many people understand the struggle of Transgender people. But it is getting better as we are learning and growing as a society. But just when I think we are making leaps forward I see so many things being dragged backwards. Sadly it is due to the beliefs of many who claim to be followers of God. Yet don’t listen to him in the stillness of time or even read what he has already said.

My sons Tender Heart is Beautiful

Sometime I am reminded of the beauty of my children. This weekend I watched a movie with my kids. This is nothing new we love movies we search far and wide for ones that most overlook. I thought we found one

This movie was amazing to the point a wonderful connection with my old son was cemented in love. We just sat there at the end looking at each other (I am trying not to give it away)……….When you finish it you will know what we were doing. It was wonderful and why this movies did not get more attention I have no clue. If you get a chance watch it!