Why do I write? (A new reader question.

Well, gee it started on this blog in 2015 when the world started to come to what I would like to call the eventual end. If you did not know I am still married to someone to whom I do not wish to be. The events that lead to this are many and some do not shine kindly on that person. So, I will avoid bringing that into this post. I must say at one time I thought that we both loved each other. People change and with that comes the reality that you might not be in love with that person.

As I was saying, I was needing a way to express my ideas and a friend of mine suggested I start to write. I have always dreamed of writing, but being highly Dyslexic I shied away from the idea that anyone would want to read my posts. I expressed this to my long friend. She told me that I had always been a big risk taker why should I stop now. That is when I hit me I had stopped taking risks. Somewhere I allowed a person to neuter my personality. I was trying to write a book in 2007 but a person that I thought I could trust told me I was not a writer and that no one would ever read my stories.

We warn parents not to do this to there children. But little do people know that it has the very same effect on adults as well. I had a great start to a fiction piece and with the right backing, it could have become something special. But I listened to a voice that cut me very deep and I shelved it away and in time it was lost. When I wrote my first book I was so shocked that I did it. I did not know at the time it is not always going to be easy to write stories. I also did not know that you can dig too deep on stories and find Monsters hidden in peoples closets. I like writing non-fiction, the reality of life is more than a connection to others. It is a magical thread that binds to all of us. We find that with real stories it is harder to hate the person behind the face when we know it.

I was finding also when I wrote on something I was releasing a pressure that was building up inside of me. A magical connection that at this time I am still short for words on how it makes me feel to do it. But like an addiction, it is something that needs to be done. I enjoy it I love the power and the magic of every word. So that is why I write….

Have a wonderful day and do something magical.

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20 days

Well, so far so good. I am almost done with the 30-day challenge. Thinking of seeing how long I can go. I know I have a goal but even after I reach that goal how long can I continue it. Now to be 100%, I have only cut out Coke, Caffeine, Lollies (candy) and adding sugar to cereal. I am thinking of expanding it to cutting back on food products that have sugar added into it that does not need it. Pizza can never be messed with.

Though I will say this though that the Mint water will continue. At first, it was to just help me stop hating the fact I was having cramps. But then those went away with the mint water. I also must say that my very bad breath is now gone. I am not sure why that stayed but now that it is gone I am very happy. I have also noticed that my teeth are cleaner than before. Energy levels, for the most part, are returning to a normal state. So how do I feel about this? Well at this time I am leaning more towards the ideas that I was having to much sugar. With only ten days left to make my first goal. I am excited.

Well, have a good day.

15 days the halfway mark

Well, I really did not think I could make it this far. There is a simple reason for that. Christmas sparked a huge pile of stress in my life. I was not ready for that at all. It blew my budget and wiped out my savings at the same time. I am still trying to bounce back from it.

But on the flip side, I am very happy to be at 15 days. Mint water has been my saving grace. That week without it proved to me how much it does help. I got some on shopping this week and it is working again. Phew, those cramps were enough to wreck me. Someone asked me if I would continue it once I reach 30 days. To be honest 30 days was not the reason to start this. My health was and I have a set of requirements that must be met before I will enjoy a Cold Coke with Ice. But if that takes a year then I will do it. I will do what I need to do to meet these goals.

Even my ex’s know that when my mind is locked onto a goal nothing will stop me from reaching it. It used to drive one of them nuts. Sorry “J” but that is the best part about my driving force. So I will reach those goals come hell or high waters. Though this is a very dry year for Tassie. Don’t think that I have to worry about High Waters, lol.

Changing my eating habits as well. Snacks are all out as well. I did check my weight at 1 week and that looks fine but I will check it tonight again. So I will keep my fingers crossed and not get my hopes up to high.

Well have a wonderful day, I am as I drink mint water.

13 days

Wow, I am doing this!

Still having a few headaches and need to get some mint tea. But bills all come before the battle of calming my tummy. Ah, the life of being a single parent who pays for all the kids schooling.

Though I will say I am losing some weight but that is something I am keeping to myself on just how much. I am also very happy to say that sleep is getting better, a lot better. The dreams are also getting better as I am not being woke up due to nightmares. I know that there might not be a link but it is something that is a bit strange. It might also be that I am sleeping better than the nightmares are not present. But I could be reaching on that. But I really don’t care, I am getting sleep.

I am also noticing that I am not needing allergy meds as much. This I have read about that as you cut out the sugar. Your body needs time to adjust to the new reality and as a benefit, it can fight or better handle other issues. I also know that when the weight drops off I will be needing fewer asthma meds. I am also hoping that my issues with depression will also get better as my self-image issues will be improving. Though I know some of that is coming to terms with all the abuse that I have gone through over the last 15 years. I just had a wonderful email with Kim (wink) where I was able to pinpoint a few things I need to address. Kim, I don’t know if you know but I am very thankful for your friendship. I owe a lot of things to this blog and making a number of things right from the past have been one of them.

Though I would give a million thanks if someone could find Ann li Pholar in California and say “Hi” from the voice of the past.

On a different note, I have been using Grammarly and I am seeing an increase in the quality of my error checking that things are improving. Though due to my Dyslexia, I still don’t grasp the rules of Grammar and it is kind of frustrating. I hope in time by using this it will teach me the correct use. There are times that I feel like banging my head on the keyboard due to all the errors.

Well, I wish everyone all the best today.

~Ally

10 days (warning no Caffeine)

Today was not a good day for the sugar battle, cravings are going mad. Nor was this week a really good week as I look at it with hindsight. I consider myself to be a good parent. I am a good school Parent. I go to meetings and I help my children with homework. I am there for them 100%. Outside of school I still have bedside chats with my kids they are free to talk about anything. We go to Jui-Jitsu, we do activities, we have family dinners with no toys (TV, Radio, Phones, and Tablets). When we talk I listen and respond, I give advice based on the needs that they bring up. So when it was suggested that we have this person talk to the children about how we as parents are doing. I did it and still had this nagging voice in the back of my head “DON’T” but I did it to make the Meditation process work better. Because my Ex and I were having some problems. Trying to find solutions is the way to go.

We had a person talk to the children and let us know how we are doing. Shit, I did not think I was doing that bad until she started talking. When it was over I walked away feeling like shit, to be honest. I did not like it at all. I know it is not directly pointed at me but it sure felt like it. I was even told that I am now not allowed to see my children every day before and after school. Six years I have been doing that. That pissed me off a bit I have seen these 3 kids every day since they all started school. I saw them on buses going to school, I saw them when they got home from school. So now I am not allowed to do that on the weeks that they do not stay at my home. The kids did not like that one little bit. But my hands are tied. It just got worse from that. People ask why I don’t trust these fuckers from the court who claim they are in it for the children.

I felt like every time I said something they were using it against me. I knew the Ex would bring up the Trans issue. Something to dirty the water. Lucky for me the kids stood their ground and would not let their feelings about it be twisted. But shit, let’s bring up anything that is LGBT+ related. Then quiz the kids on it to see how they feel. In hopes, we can find a crack to exploit. I was also asked if I had a partner. But we did not hear anything about her partner in the Q & A feedback. Except one of the children said they want her to stop talking to him on the phone so much. (I felt bad for her at that point, but that is a sorry, not sorry moment.)

Then they told my Ex and me about a few things that we should mindful with the kids and then we were told not to talk to the kids about anything that was said. What fucking hell bullshit for the both of us, do, don’t do. There were a few issues that should not be danced around. But no instead of coming straight to the point we have to dance. Then this person asked Niamh, What she would like Niamh in a wish?”. My Daughter said more time with her mum. But in the person’s mind, that meant more days. Of course, the Ex leaped on that and so did everyone else but myself and my Attorney. I told them all I wanted to think about it. Even after being pressured, A LOT. Because there have been issues in the past that the other party brushed aside. But this person did not even take into consideration. I wonder what my daughter’s therapist would have said to this idea. So I danced the question around Niamh trying not to say too much. Asked her a follow-up question. Come to find out all she wants is different times than her brothers. She wants alone time with her mum, not fucking more time. She said she needs a small break from her brothers. Great the person was making me feel like Niamh wanted less time with me. There is a skill called follow up, it is used in asking questions. This person needed to learn it.

Oh, don’t even get me started on the Puberty issues that were also being used against me. The only thing that was not said was, you’re trans you don’t know how to help your daughter during this time. But it was implied a few times.

Then there was a point that was brought up about me playing a game on the computer when the kids are in bed. I am designing a damn game to be sold. As I hope this will be published in the 4 quarter this year. Stupid shit I am a writer and I write using a computer. I have to make a living to support my family. Because I can’t find a job.

In the end, I walked out of that joke of a meeting thinking to myself, shit my Ex and I paid for this? I was enlightened by a few things that I will change. But overall what a joke on the parents. Don’t get me wrong some of the information will help a little bit. But holy cow some of the questions that she asked were a joke or at least the information that was gathered was. Holding up fucking “Bear Cards” for who is what in a family. Great idea create division, hoping that it will create a stronger bond because a person feels like shit. Maybe that will change them. This shit is used in advanced Military training “Who do you see as the weakest member of your team”. News fucking flash my kids do not live in a Military Household. Those cards need to be Shredded! But then I guess they would find another way to do the same damn thing. We could not even get a copy of her notes that were made from the questions. Because those are protected. That is fucked right up the ass. Not happy about that at all.

But at least the school issue for Gabriel is solved. Only took 10 fucking months since I first asked. Yeah, I am pissed that we wasted money to solve a problem that could have been solved by being fucking parents and looking at all the schools. I hate wasting money on Attorney’s, Court, Costs and all the other Bullshit that is linked to Divorces. (Sorry G you know you have my respect). I like my attorney, he is a really good man. But if I ever get asked to do this shit again. I think I would rather roll the dice with a Judge. At least evidence matters there. Then I had to pay for parking which cost me $8. Lucky I did have a few blessings that day Hugs from my children and a wonderful friend who watched them while all this shit hit the fan.

You see now I am venting because I am not having the best of Days. I am also venting because I have had no Caffeine for 10 days as well. I knew this was coming, I am getting cranky about no sugar and caffeine. I am glad the kids are visiting their mum so that I don’t get upset over something that would normally not make me upset. I wanted to stop and get a can of coke on the way home. But I fought it off, plus it would use my last dollar. I never touch my savings account. I am going to need that soon. School fees and the like. I also ran out of Mint Tea so the cramps are back. Those are not nice at all. Well, I am going to end this before I vent much more. I hope Saturday will be better.

Day 6 & 7

Well, I have to say I failed on day 6. I chose to have a small piece of my sons birthday cake. But other than that I am still on track. I felt that making a connection with my son was more important than my vanity. But I am now one week without Coke. So no caffeine and only 1 small piece of cake. I am finding that even though I am drinking tons of water the urine of still a bit darker than what I would count as hydrated but I am thinking that might be toxins are leaving my body as I am not stockpiling more on top of them.

Sleep is getting better as this was one of my main problems before starting this. I was also having some issues of really bad breath when I woke up during the night. Sometimes it would require me to brush my teeth at 3 am just so I could go back to sleep. Now that problem is gone. I don’t know if that is a direct result but it is a blessing that I am getting more sleep and better sleep. I am not needing to also take a nap halfway through the day.

Energy is starting to normalize and that is a wonderful feeling. I am not really sure how that can improve to a point where I have more. But I would like to do that. I am not doing a weight check until after the 30 days. I have my starting weight so I want to be able to look at it in the end as a whole of what has been the benefit to it all. So far I am proud of myself battling the drinking Coke is one of my hardest things. I think it has been made easier by drinking mint water as my tummy has not been so upset. I have also noticed that I am not feeling the need to snack.

Well that is it for sugar battle today. Please have a wonderful day everyone.

Day 4

Still small headaches the overall sugar cravings are gone now. I am sure they might return. Energy levels are still very low. I am hoping that this changes soon.

Day 5

Well I did not post day 4 because not much happen. 5 days so far and the Mint water is my life saver. I could not do this without it. Calms the tummy as I fight the sugar cravings. Spent two hours at BJJ open mate rolling with my boys Hezekiah and Gabriel. So I am so sore right now it is not even funny. Gabriel is starting to roll with me like he does others. It is a struggle for him as he loves me and does not want to put in a full 100% effort trying to avoid hurting me. I maybe Trans but I can hold my own. Well, I still have small headaches but in time those will go. Well, not much to say as all I can do this.

Have a wonderful day everyone