Case in point I am Transgender surprise and I am also a parent of 3 kids under 12 (I don’t worry so much about the adult ones). I am also blessed top have an attorney who was amazing and in my divorce we have 50/50 custody and better yet it is working.
This week my oldest of the three went on his first camping trip away from his family and I missed him so much. But just before change over with the other parent I was able to see him come back from camp. I got the biggest hug, Oh how I needed that. We talked over how it went and he had a wonderful time.
This week I came across another event and that was a conversation with some classmates of mine and it touched a lot on being Trans. Some questions we a bit revealing but if you ask I will answer you. During this conversation I expressed my sexual attraction is still towards women (even though there was a real funny moment, but that I will leave for another post). We talked about how I am just not so sure about men and it does not really have the same emotional pull that women do. But this one member of the class was singled out by me when I said “Gosh D you and a very good looking man but there is no spark there” His kind and warm comment back made me feel so nice right down to my core. But that is something I want to keep close to my heart and it was so beautiful.
This week weird and wonderful events just kept happening all over the place. People using the right pronouns, just at the right time. New friends that keep asking to be added to my Facebook. New people reading my book and saying “Hey, thank you for writing your story”
What I am trying to say is sometimes blessings take sometime to get to you. But they do and sometimes you end up looking at all the blessings and saying holy shit is this really happening to me. I have a good friend that is been in my life for about a year, so thankful for her. Then I have this other friend who she also has been in my life and makes me feel like she should have been my sister (at least one who I can talk with).
So in the end Yeah life can be hard but the Hidden blessing are there.
Well lets have a bit of a chat about this past month. Well if you have been following the abnormal blog posts on my day to day you would have heard that I had a severe reaction to the patches. Well this month has been learning how the reaction played havoc with my system. I had to let the reaction part that was cause my problems learn my system. Detoxing can take upwards of two weeks even while learning to deal with the new meds at the same time. While I will say I was okay with the progress of the Patches but I think I should have said something a long time ago. My Testosterone levels have always been low to the acceptable level. But the Estrogen levels due to fighting the reaction were not reacting as best they could have.
So now that you have caught up on the past lets look this month while on the “Pill” yup I am on the “Pill” the reaction to it has been a bit of a shock to the system. I have an emotional outburst today that left me feeling in the aftermath of it very shocked. I have been having emotional outburst in tears due to issues that relationship issues that I now face. I have been coming to terms with being single again and not know who and how to date. In the past I would have just said “Oh well it will work itself out” but this time has been very different and the increased hormone activity has been really powerful. Causing a lot of tears and confusion.
Let me say this right off the bat I HATE CHOCOLATE. It has never been a thing for me, unless it is peanut butter cups the mini ones. But any other is just a snack that I can live without. But this month has been crazy. I don’t want it I have a deep need to have it. There is no base logic I can find in the NEED for Chocolate, but heaven help the person that says no to me about a small bite of it.
I hate TV, but if I see another commercial on YouTube of Facebook that makes me end up in tears I will find you and I will have some not so nice things to say to you face. Crying over these stupid things it pushing it a bit far.
Then my son placed his head on my chest during a hug and I almost fell apart with the pain. OMG it felt like someone placed my tit in a vice of it was way to much. I had to back away top stop from crying in pain.
SO yeah this past month was filled with a lot of learning.
Well as we know I had a severe reaction to the patches. Well for two weeks I have been on the pills after a year in a half on the patch. Well I have been talking to my doctor today about the reaction i was having and that I ignore the reaction for some long. I got in trouble for that btw. I was given a huge lesson in a short time about drug reactions and delivery methods and then we look at the reaction site from the patch. Two weeks on it is still a little inflamed. She pointed out that the Estrogen only entered my body in very small amounts as it was trying to fight the problem of the reaction.
We looked at the the amount estrogen then vs no and the what is going to happen and how my body right not is reacting. as of right now there have been a lot of changes. I would love to tell you what is going on but I am going to leave that for the end of the month update.
We talked a bit about the positives to what happened is that while on a lower does essentially my body reacted VERY well to the Estrogen. So the increase of it will react with my body even more. There was one point we looked at and that was the numbers that my levels were fine on the patch but with the fight it was having the numbers might be a bit skewed as my body might have the right hormones but while it fights changes would have been slower.
I have gained a SHIT load of weight due to the hormones so I have been advised to get off my arse and increase my output. So starting Saturday the kids and are are going to go do something to work off this weight in the wrong areas.
Well have a wonderful day..
BTW….I am not craving Chocolate……I hate Chocolate, but I want it like mad I want some. What the hell is going on…….lol
Hey in case you did not already know as I find new links and information I try to put it up when I find it. So if you are thinking I am not posting I might be doing that or I might even be doing my Homework……Might.
Tonight I was at a good friends Birthday party. When someone found a “Trigger” I did not know I had and it messed with my head a bit. The trigger was very simple. But first let me explain the word usage of “Trigger”. The word “Trigger” is used in such a way to say this is going to change my emotional state and not always for the best.
So this person without him knowing asked a question, which to him he did not know nor did I that it was going to cause an mood shift in me. Parties don’t always give you the space to defrag the issues that comes with a “Trigger”. So instead of being rude I pressed forward having a good time until I start to feel a little bit off. So I talked to my friend and said “Hey”. As I got home I started to unpack the emotional response in a self care environment, i went to bed….lol.
When I woke back up I was able to look at his question in a different light. The question was “How was your Childhood?”. Asking a person that simple question was very hard to answer because I could not be rude and say “Hey read my book lets avoid this question”. So being fair to him I tried to say “Hey it was not great”. But repression of the truth sometimes can be a bad thing. But even shortening the issues can also be just as Bad.
Now for the context 1 year ago my mother passed away. Now before anyone says “So sorry to hear that” you might not like my comment that comes back. I let her go out of my life a long time ago. I sat in my bed defraging why my mood had gone shitty. I sat there and thought about my children and how I love them in a way that I did not get from my own mother. I am very attentive to their needs and wants. I work hard at helping them understand that I love and care for them on a daily basis. We play and goof off together as well. We looked at my childhood and all the learning I am still doing trying to figure out “Why”.
I wanted my children to understand that good things can come from bad things. They know of my mum and how my home life was so much different to their lives and that I am here for them. We are not perfect family by any means we are a divorced family who struggles with fighting a “Interesting” battle from the other party saying “Your dad” is, never, made me, and even the did nothing. So we have struggles that are not fun. As the oldest has had to learn that if something like that is said he can ask friends of the family for the truth and look at the evidence (something one of my sisters should learn to do). Then once he gets to a point of having enough information he can make a choice. Then we sit down and work on some self care and work it out in our minds. We learn to hope to see things change but also understand somethings will never change and to find the good things and leave the bad things alone. BTW Divorced parents telling lies about your ex partner will only end up with you looking very stupid. Plus it is not right to do that to a child you claim to love.
So where does this take us on the issue of a “Trigger” well it is very simple if you know where the landmine is don’t step on it. learn that while things were Bad behind closed doors we can find some happiness in those dark times. I still say that there is no excuse for abuse! But would I have ever learned that my self care is music. Yeah I play guitar and I suck at it but it is something I enjoy. I will never be in a band as a guitarist but if those years would not have allowed me to enjoy so many different forms of music, my life would be so dull right now.
So the moral is that it was not his fault that I was “Triggered” it was not my fault as well. It just is…….I am learning to workout those “Triggers” once I find them so that I can put a flag on the land mine and not step on it in the future.
For the past couple of weeks I have been having issues that might be linked to a liver issue. Because I have been having itches from the top of my head to my feet, I mean bad! Even waking me up in the middle of the night. So today I had a meeting with my Doctor about my issues and we looked at different ways of supplying the Estrogen. So now the Sub-dermal patches are out as we are trying to see if I am having a reaction to the adhesive that is used. Since I have always used the same place she was able to look at the skin reaction i was having to them.
Oestradiol Valerate is the new delivery system I am using. In conversations I was informed that they are finding out that over time people using the Patches are having reactions and the patches are also not working as they should with prolonged use. Well this was new news to me. I did a lot of reseach before choosing to go with the patches as I saw they were the best delivery system. So now back to basics with “The Pill” yup that is what this is the new pills are “The Pill” hope I don’t fall pregnant as a reverse joke.
But I will have to keep you up to date on how things are going I will be going in for a review soon. Once again if you are self medicating STOP! Get a doctor and be open with them!
I have added 3 books so far. I have been very busy doing research and going to school. Sorry the page has suffered for it. I will try to add more as I get time.
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