People are funny

I spent the last two days coming to terms with the past. Please let me explain, years ago I had my heart broken by one of the most amazing persons I ever knew. In fact it was so painful the way she broke my heart to this very day I have never been able to fully heal the wound. You get to that point when you love someone so very much that when they leave there is a HUGE void. So this gaping hole was in my heart knowing that i must have done something or we did something that made her leave. Over the years I have only brought it to one simple reason that I was not true with my own self.
As many of my readers know my marriage has ended and it did not end on the best of terms. I thought this person was my soul mate the one person who I could count on when all of life is not accountable. Please don’t get me wrong I am not angry that the marriage ended. I am hurt over how it ended, even still hurt that when I read things you find out it was ending before it ended, but that part is sealed in my memories and in time I will deal with those actions. I am sure that many people have felt this horrific pain of loss. I just never knew it would purposely ended the way it did. So that the new wounds lie on top of an old wound that never really healed because the other party wanted to cause more pain.
This week some of the wound came back to cause some pain once more. Over the choice of running away. I always thought that Nothing and No one could cause a pain so bad to another person that could make that person run. That was until I did, I ran and kept running until part of that wound healed. It took close to 15 years to heal it but I did. Then choices of others trying to lay a new fresh wound on top of the old wound hoping that I would have repeated those old actions. This time I sank my heels into the ground and said NO I AM STRONGER THAN THAT. I felt some of the old pain that I ran from come to the surface and needed to be addressed. I learned to say I am sorry to someone I hurt when I ran. I don’t know if she will forgive me, time will judge my hopes on that. With age comes wisdom, and a willingness to say sorry and a strength to do it as well. I think I could ahave avoid all the pain in my life by being true to myself, though I would never have been in the wonderful place I am at this time in my life.

Over this week I have found some more amazing people who have entered into my life. Who did not Judge me, who did not care, and who simply said you matter. I have spent the last couple of days just enjoying their company. I am amazed of the people who I have started to surround myself with over the years. I have this core of friends, no they are more than friends they are Family who mean more to me than the person we left. IT should have never been this way. but we all make choices. I love each and every one of my core Family I am starting to expand my life in such a way that when i base it off of “who are ok for my children to know” and the examples of my core “family”. I know I am making the right choice.

I was getting a drink today from a person I met a few days ago at the Australian day event the children and I went to. We had a small chance to talk. I need to address something that has happened a lot…. It is not her fault it is just the way people think. On Australia day I was dressed VERY casual, that if something happened and it did that I would not have freaked out. That was very smart on my part.  Ok to the point I was wearing shorts and a simple tshirt nothing to big as it was a BBQ and casual.
Today I spent the morning with the group of good people and one of them said wow you look nice you weren’t dress like this a couple of days ago. I just quickly pointed out that i was just in Daggy clothes. Another person came up to me and said wow you look very nice I love your eyes. I think I have found a problem that I don’t know really how to dress down… I can dress up just fine. most of my makeup is good, not perfect but good. But twice now people think that when I dress down I am in “boy mode” so I have to figure this problem out. Cause I am doing something wrong…. I don’t have any Boy Clothes….. What am I doing wrong? I thought it was just a fluke that my EX-to-be kept saying that to the children as well. Hmm i just don’t know.

White privilege, I am amazed at how many white people don’t understand this topic much less see it at all. This week I ended up within a conversation over another topic and I brought up the simple fact that if it had been anyone other than a white person the way the issue ended would have ended differently. I got accused of being a bigot, yeah right this person never really knew me and in one minute judge me as being a bigot cause I basically said that if it had been another person other than a white it would have ended differently. I though and still do that an American white woman would be calling another person a bigot for not supporting white people. How far has America fallen when a white person calls another person who is white a bigot cause they don’t support white people. In fact my comment was not in a way that was being bigoted as to be against white people. So we got off on the issue of white privilege, the person near the end of the conversation still did not see much less understand the fact that white get more, have more, are treated differently, served better, get things cheaper, just to name a few. I was even asked to provide an example…..Um when was the last time in America was a white child shot but a police officer for playing? When was the last time was the police called to stop kids playing basket ball in the street? Um then the person had to reply with the Black lives matter riot as an example of something that I still can’t see why she did cause it proved MY point. When was the last time white people had to walk and march saying our lives matter? Then I was called uneducated…..Um…..right. The only thing I was not called was a traitor for leaving the US. Yup you can be just as confused as I am……. i just had to stop talking to a wall that could not see the very truth right in front of their face.

I am amazed that I have a problem with blushing, bloody hell it is bad! Argh! I am finding out that it is getting worse and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Family Matters the Most

Well. This is my time, our children have returned home from a visit and it is my times to enjoy a wonderful summer and stay out of the Smoke…..Yuk.


So I will try to find time but I will not promise as they are more important than anything else

Ok the real story of the day

I am going to link a show of Youtube. Please take the time and watch all of it and look at the stories inside the main story there are several different layers to this story. Since I am in Australia and this is home. I want all those who are also here to know just how lucky we are being in a country that does not demonize us for being different. Yes Australia is not perfect but it is better than where i came from……. The US has a long way to go. Gay marriage aside, that is only the bottom part of a bigger hill that needs to be climbed.

Like I said there are a lot of things going on that most might not see but I noticed. I am so thankful for the Police in Tasmania. They helped me get out of an abusive relationship. I could have gone to a women’s shelter if there would have been space for the children and I. In the end we are placed in a “Safe House” and very few people knew where it was. We were taken care of. Not one worker shunned me. I was treated with the amazing amount of respect. Yes there are scary times, yes there are times where I am alone. But in the end we are safe, we are better everyday. 2016 is going to be our year!

The Revenant Review

Warning……I hated this movie……There is a spoiler alert as well……

IMDB Information

The Revenant (2015) Poster

The only way the damn movie saves itself from a 1 on my list is the amazing way in which it was filmed. The landscape was amazing!

So now that I have given my only praise that I can find in the damn movie is done lets talk about it. Ok to be honest I love the actors. BUT when you portray something of Native American Culture why does it always have to be based in the aspects of “the great beyond” crap at some point in the movie. Hollywood does this all the time. I love my Native American Family History, I am proud of who we are. But there is so much more of us than that part. It seems like Hollywood never gets the point. I found this movie to also insult my intelligence, I have had blood poisoning it is horrible. Your body is rebelling against you at every point and you are sore beyond belief. The issue of trying to make this main character larger than life goes even one step more to say that on top of blood poisoning he can survive freezing waters not once but twice if not more. I’m sorry back to the blood poisoning My temp was at 40 degrees cel. for over a week I lost so much weight it was not funny. I was USELESS for a whole summer and then I am still dealing with the after effects of it some 14 years later. Yeah I can grasp it is “Based on a true story” but for pete’s sake make it believable.

Then at times it eludes to a hatred that two tribes have, holy crap more of the same Native American stereotyping. Yes it happened but ARGH!!!!!!! If this movie gets and oscar, it should not! it is just CRAP on a stick.

Oh I could go on and on about my problems and loopholes in the story line plus Amount of BLOOD LOSS……GRRRRRR

But i am not going to do that

So here it is my score


The last 24 hours


I love my friends! to say that they really don’t know how much i love and respect each and everyone of them is an understatement. So I want to show you what acceptance is and show you what true love for friends is like during transition.

Most of you who read my blog dont really know that I used to be a…..IT person (you thought i was going to say a man, lol). I was the person some friends would call and say help me my computer has gone psycho. Thank god that has reduced to only a few close friends. Ok well on to the story, I have a good friend who I call me Brother (he’ not but it is a wish). Well back on track, I got a SMS saying Help…… so off I went and over a couple of days with their internet provider we got it all fixed. Yesterday I was talking to his AMAZING wife. We were just chatting about life and things that have been going on during my transition. A few laughs about how things I have been going through that all women know is a fact of life that 90% of Trans don’t know about or really don’t get until we start the HRT path. We talked over the Gate Keeper Model and how it is designed to protect Trans people from making a huge mistake (it does not always work but for the most part it does). She said oh that is a good thing cause once it is gone you can’t get it back….Please note she is a very highly educated professional surgical nurse. I replied back well thats not really true there is a procedure called an “Addadicktome” well that was the end of proper conversational etiquette and the laughs began.

We had a great time talking and it was so much fun. We even talked about a few things that have changed like smells and colors. When her husband returned from camping with there son. I was told that maybe at the end of my Transition taking all my notes and writing a book that might be a self help / my journey. Oh you poor people some of the stupid things I have been doing and finding out. It would even be placed in the Humor section…

The next thing that happened was our children are visiting there mum for a week and I get to call them. My VOIP client over my mobile phone gives the person on the other end an echo. So the kids hate that and we played a bit with it to make it enjoyable. Echos can be fun if you can do and evil laugh. No our calls are not so serious we have fun and goof off.

Well Later that night more of my GREAT friends came over for our once-a-month AD&D party. Yup we are nerds / geeks and we wear it with pride. the night was filled with humor and fun. We really don’t take ourselves so serious that the fun of being friends is lost. I so look forward to each time we all get back together.

When I dropped the bomb shell that I was going to Transition I was so worried that i was going to lose these friends, it was more of a worry than losing family members and even a more of a worry than the divorce I was going through. Much to my surprise I had surrounded myself with some of the GREATEST group of people I have ever met. When the truth of the divorce was also reveled and why we left our home. One of them offered the children and I money almost demanding that if I needed it he would give it, another one showed up at my home dropping off food and gave me some hidden cash in the food, another one has treated me with such respect that pronouns are always on the mark even though I have never demanded or asked them to be, another once made calls to me on a regular basis, and one of them last night started calling me by my name at time with even pauses, one called me during the dark times every night. These are my TRUE friends.

All of these great Friends at one time or another have been there for me. I am living proof that  choosing good friends take time and has great rewards. If I could introduce each of my readers to them you would see just what I am talking about. In a way I have a Family that has more blood sweat and tears in it than most families that are by birth. You can find this happiness, you can keep it alive if you feed it and return the love that they give to you.




For the love it all……


Once again this is not a serious blog post

I want people to watch this response to Barry Humphries.

Thank you babe for speaking out. I could not find the right things to say about a MAN who does drag belittling those who are transgender…

I think my mum would choke if she read some of my posts, lol. I do love her and I hope that someday she will find peace in the fact that I don’t blame her for the way I am.

Well I had another suggestion for a song but due to the fact that it is not on Youtube  I dare not put it up for all the enjoy but it was a version of I will Survive by Helen Reddy. While i will say I do like it, it is still not what I am looking for.

Then I have another person suggest a song cover called Stronger. I have placed the original in a post a week ago I think. Heavy metal can bring the the anger of what I am saying but it lacked the hope and resilience I was looking for.

The someone suggested a poem instead… For what I am wanting to do with it a poem would be fine but lacks in the sound department, and no a person who is reading it is not going to do the job as well.

This idea is starting to be harder than I thought it would be…..


Umm I don’t have a title

As I asked for peoples 2016 song of the year for me someone sent this one as a suggestion

Wow….. kinda catchy like the idea. Rough but strong and its getting closer. Still not to sure if it is the right message I want for 2016, but hey thanks!

Then I got this one sent to me as well…..

Love the way it was sung, really pulls in the feelings sometimes, but I am still not headed that way.

I bet your thinking “what does she want?”

Well if I knew that I would be one step closer on the webpage, lol. I am going to get there and I hope it will be amazing. This year I gave my beloved airbrush to an amazing talented artist Alyce Bailey 

Please support such wonderful talent if you want them to go one to be amazing Masters. Yes you heard me right I think this girl is going to go very far in her life this girl has got it!

So back to my start I was looking at my live and looking at what I want to do with my second half of it. I have lived a rich life to this point I have had two roller-coaster marriages and then the rides stopped. Each one I walked away from feeling stronger happier and knowing who I was. Then I married for the third time, oh the beauty, the friendship, the love but it ended… So I am rebuilding myself Stronger once more than I was before. Happier then I have ever been, Amazed of those who care for me and know me. For once in my life I can say I am happy. I have 7 amazing children each one is different just like I am .

In the end of 2015 I came back upon this song and it became my focal point on my life pulling me through so many of the hard times that faced the children and I. So if you have not guessed I am very much into music. One time I was in the car with my father shortly after my second divorce… I was listening to a song that helped me at that time and I can’t recall what it was now. He turned to me and said “Al, you need to stop doing this. Music is not going to fill the void”. I love my dad (a lot) but he had no clue about what I was like and to some point still does not in a way it is a shame he never understood my art side as well. But he loved us kids and loves my children. I want so much more in this life than what I have right now. This 2016 is going to be my FUCKING year. I am going to make an impact, I am going to show a certain group of people that they can shove the negative comments, stupid actions, and other SHIT right up where the sun does not shine. Cause I am a


But this is 2016 I need something RAW. Maybe punk like…..Hmmmm

Oh and on another note I have started my process of enrolling in school to become a counselor. I know scary right my providing help to others… I know I can hear a naysayer right now. But to be honest I did say to someone once “glad you stopped, you don’t have a caring bone in your body”. Ok i now look at what I said and somethings in the heat of arguments can be very hurtful and I am so sort of sorry I said that. Yes I know saying “sort of” means that I am not really all that sorry. I think that if you look at what it did to the person it helped them choose a different path that might work better for the person. Sometimes I can be very blunt without thinking through my wording and so for that part I am sorry but not sorry for helping the person find a different path. Kind of like Punch and Judy… if you don’t know about who I am talking about GOOGLE.

Well I hope you have enjoyed this post and be kind to others and also slow down with what you are saying.