Umm I don’t have a title

As I asked for peoples 2016 song of the year for me someone sent this one as a suggestion


Wow….. kinda catchy like the idea. Rough but strong and its getting closer. Still not to sure if it is the right message I want for 2016, but hey thanks!

Then I got this one sent to me as well…..


Love the way it was sung, really pulls in the feelings sometimes, but I am still not headed that way.

I bet your thinking “what does she want?”

Well if I knew that I would be one step closer on the webpage, lol. I am going to get there and I hope it will be amazing. This year I gave my beloved airbrush to an amazing talented artist Alyce Bailey 

Please support such wonderful talent if you want them to go one to be amazing Masters. Yes you heard me right I think this girl is going to go very far in her life this girl has got it!

So back to my start I was looking at my live and looking at what I want to do with my second half of it. I have lived a rich life to this point I have had two roller-coaster marriages and then the rides stopped. Each one I walked away from feeling stronger happier and knowing who I was. Then I married for the third time, oh the beauty, the friendship, the love but it ended… So I am rebuilding myself Stronger once more than I was before. Happier then I have ever been, Amazed of those who care for me and know me. For once in my life I can say I am happy. I have 7 amazing children each one is different just like I am .


In the end of 2015 I came back upon this song and it became my focal point on my life pulling me through so many of the hard times that faced the children and I. So if you have not guessed I am very much into music. One time I was in the car with my father shortly after my second divorce… I was listening to a song that helped me at that time and I can’t recall what it was now. He turned to me and said “Al, you need to stop doing this. Music is not going to fill the void”. I love my dad (a lot) but he had no clue about what I was like and to some point still does not in a way it is a shame he never understood my art side as well. But he loved us kids and loves my children. I want so much more in this life than what I have right now. This 2016 is going to be my FUCKING year. I am going to make an impact, I am going to show a certain group of people that they can shove the negative comments, stupid actions, and other SHIT right up where the sun does not shine. Cause I am a

Specialty

But this is 2016 I need something RAW. Maybe punk like…..Hmmmm

Oh and on another note I have started my process of enrolling in school to become a counselor. I know scary right my providing help to others…..lol. I know I can hear a naysayer right now. But to be honest I did say to someone once “glad you stopped, you don’t have a caring bone in your body”. Ok i now look at what I said and somethings in the heat of arguments can be very hurtful and I am so sort of sorry I said that. Yes I know saying “sort of” means that I am not really all that sorry. I think that if you look at what it did to the person it helped them choose a different path that might work better for the person. Sometimes I can be very blunt without thinking through my wording and so for that part I am sorry but not sorry for helping the person find a different path. Kind of like Punch and Judy… if you don’t know about who I am talking about GOOGLE.

Well I hope you have enjoyed this post and be kind to others and also slow down with what you are saying.

Well back to the blog

I would like to start off by saying that I had a great day caught up with 4 friends. I’m starting to get my computer setup for starting school again. I’m going to be trying to use the dictation setup of windows 10 to use the ease of the access, as im trying to do multiple things at the same time.

Back to my catching up with friends today I had a wonderful time meeting with some one who I don’t have permission to say their name that I have not had an opportunity to catch up with in a few years. I’m learning in that since the separation between my X and I. People are becoming more willing to engage in in conversations and we me. I’m not really sure why this is the case and I’m not really willing to look into it. I’m very happy that my friendships circles that I was extremely concerned about were never really gone in fact it these wonderful people who I have built friendships with waited until it was OK to be around me again. It is extremely sad to experience this I thought our family was more open then will we actually were. In a conversation with a friend I said we used to B and outgoing family then when the children and I Left I have noticed that we had become a very withdrawn family. For whatever reasons this happened it’s not worth diving into the past to review it. Not worth causing the str

In meeting with my friend who I consider to be a mentor in certain areas of education we reviewed the structure of the diploma of counseling and the timeframe in which it will be done in. I feel that I am more prepared for starting this course now thanks to his help but im at that stage in the the divorce that I am fighting to different battles I have to go to court and if I’ve next week I believe to fight off something that might X has misled the courts on. Then I feel that’s in march it will be 12 months since our separation and will get a divorce as march being the 12 month deadline that is required by the Australian law before a divorces granted. I stuck to my guns on this issue because the other party kept trying to mislead the court saying we’d been separated since May 2014 I was of a hospital 1 May 2014 and we’re still communicating and it wasn’t anything like that at least it wasn’t to me. Since that time I have found evidence that plots were going on. it is very difficult to understand and come to terms with one of the problems of being a carer for somebody who doesn’t want a carer that needs to have carer but resents you for being their carer while demanding that you are their carer. I know it twisted my mind saying it as well.

I have been writing down a journal of sorts for my children that in the future if they asked if I loved their mother they can read this journal and find about how I felt about her. I am including such memories from as early as our courtship when I purchased all the roses this one little store had and brought them And in want my children feeling that there was never in love between their mother and I. I wanted them to walk away after reading this journal knowing of the past, knowing that even though the marriage ended in divorce I loved their mother until the end.

OK on to something a little bit more exciting at Christmas time I bought Gabriel a really fancy remote control car and had a lot of power it was so much fun even for an adult to watch their child play with it or play with them it was just plain fun of them unfortunately it almost can’t fire I got replaced today and I had saved up some of extra money for other rainy days the Hezekiah and need became so head over heels in love with this idea of having these remote control cards so I bought a couple more but the problem that happened is one of them works and what doesn’t so I didn’t take the other one back to where I bought it and get my money returned as they did have another one to replace it right now which is OK. I will wait and when the a shop gets some new cars all get another call.

Well so far are dictating via the computer is quite efficient. Much less errors than when I was doing it via my smart phone. I will be interested to see if this extends into the use of my online classes and how it enables me to be a better student. I am really looking forward to this course the more I am finding out about it.

I will not let 2016 be a bad year we are going to succeed as a little family I sure do love the little guys miss them fierce when they’re not here but every good parent knows that the balance between mother and father or mother and mother and father and father is the child’s right regardless what the parent feels.

Well this is the end of today’s blog post. Be kind to one another find something in the world that you can do that can help someone less fortunate than yourself. In the end it will sort itself out.

 

Sunday morning

Sunday Sunday so good to me, I’m so lazy I’m still in bed and dictating. this wonderful day has allowed me to lay in bed and do nothing, I have achieved nothing, I have cooked nothing, I have nothing to do. I so miss the children I know that for balance they need to be able to have their mum in their life but I still miss them.

Well blog posting by dictation has a lot of inaccuracies, now I can see why I never did this before I am spending more time correcting that I am typing but I’m still in bed and I am having some of the best rest I have had in a long time.
So far 2016 it has been fun I cannot complain really. I was relaxing yesterday and noticed how long my hair is getting I think before February get here I am going 2 go have it styled.
There are so many things that as a trans woman you look forward to simple things that many women take for granted. men do not understand I don’t think it has anything to do with vanity has more to do with simple Pleasures and enjoying small bits of luxury. Like saving a little here a little there so that you can treat yourself to a manicure or by yourself something. little bit by little bit I am starting to enjoy the simple things like flowers and the smell in the morning air.
I remember starting this blog and thinking to myself that it would be revolutionary that I would be able to put it out there for others to see how normal trans people are. But the more I get into this blog I think it shows how quirky I can be. not that it is bad in fact I think it shows that I am just like everyone else except the obvious. I am still running into people who are questioning how I as a transwoman could have children living with me full time I have to remind them that I took care of our children for years before their mother and I decided to divorce even now I deal with simple questions such as how do the children deal with you been trans and does it confuse them to see you in a dress do they have to call you Mum now. I know these questions existed. I knew that people would have them and that is ok in fact I think as a society if we do not question we can not grow
So in answering some of these simple questions yes our children did have questions but in the end I think that after being honest with them and explaining to them about being true to yourself, taught them a greater lesson then I have ever taught them before.

An answer in other questions our children go to a good school they are loved. Yes, they have some issues with the same questions every child has due to divorce such as why can you and Mum live together again. As to the issue of making them call me mum, no I can’t do that. I was that part of the equation that brought them into this world so they call me dad. I don’t care if it makes others uncomfortable. In time if they choose to call me something other, that is something we will deal with it together. We as a family have come so far in six months it is amazing. Niamh is  starting to return to the wonderful girl she used to be before the assault. Gabriel is growing in confidence with the world around him.  What can be said about Hezekiah other than he is a wonderful soon to be six year old.  Yes transwomen can be great parents,  yes we are not the normal but was being Normal always the best way?

Well in the end I have had to resort to going back to my computer for editing issues. Though for doing it on the fly and in bed it came out ok. So I might do it again maybe not the laying in bed part though, lol.

 

Welcome 2016

Well here we are we made it!

Welcome to 2016, I have been waiting for you. Saying that reminds me of James Bond, lol.

Well as many of you know I have been looking forward to 2016. I wanted to start it off by talking about just a few of my readers….This is very cool I am getting people from all around the world Peru, Chine, Hong Kong, USA, Australia, Finland, and the UK just to name a few. In 1993 I and a friend who I grew up with had a BBS (bulletin board system). For those of you who don’t know what those are they were like having a local Facebook that you used you dialup modem to connect to. Wow the your thinking that’s a long time ago and now I am feeling a bit old, lol. Ok so where am I going with this thought, we as I get older the world is getting smaller. Yes I have not made it to Egypt, China, or Turkey just to name a few places I so want to see. Though that is nothing compared to the amazing people who are reading my blog almost on a daily basis.

I am going through my VAST music collection trying to find a theme song that is right for me at this time. I lived far to long with the last one in fact it was six months of feeling sad for the loss of my marriage which I never really knew how dysfunctional it was until the children and I were out.

So now where to…… Blog it BABY!

Well since so many people are finding my blog a good read. I could sure use a little input what is a good song for a new year. This song needs to show hope, happiness, excitement and downright Groove. No I do not want to listen to YMCA for a year while the kids would be cool with it I think i will have to pass for my sanity, lol. Place your ideas in to comments I am open to my different types of music so don’t be scared to put down your idea.

 

Had a chat with Someone

Here it comes……

Today I had a chat with someone whom I respect so much and is in my books very cool indeed. As well as a pleasure to call him a friend, If HE is reading this he knows it is him.

So once again I am learning more about Transition from others than from looking at it myself. Today my Friend was asking how things were going and if I have had to “work” down there done. Wow he was so brave to ask, you could tell he was a bit nervous (yes you were). This post is for him and others who are learning about Transition from Male to Female.

Lets start by saying those of us who walk this path it is not an easy one by any means. There are several steps one has to take before the end result. One of the hardest is you need to talk to a few people and talk over what is going on and how you feel. This sounds easy but many of us have spent time trying to hide the real “us” for so long talking about it is not easy at all. Most of the time the Gate Keeper Model is used to protect the person in Transition. What this means is that it is Based off the ideal that you will need two professionals (Doctors) permission before they will consider you for Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

Once HRT is allowed and you begin you can if you so choose to start trying to Transition in to the life style that you desire into in small steps. As it was for me I jumped right in as I felt for my personality this was the best way for me. Others try to ease in to it as some Families can be very anti towards the choice that has been made or that others they are a bit scared. Overall this part is more of a personal style. Though before any Surgery is done more professionals who are using the Gatekeeper model will require at least one year living as desired gender before granting permission.

Before surgery is done from the information I have gathered it is best if you take the time and follow through with the HRT for about a year or more to allow the body to adapt. Some professionals will allow one year but from what I have read i89t is not in the best and safest practice for you. What I am meaning is easy to understand with the following example (Example) HRT and Breast growth, welcome back to Puberty! (this time it might not suck) As for me right now 3 months HRT I am seeing my Breasts grow and they are a bit sore around the nipple and at times have felt a bit heavy as well. In the 3 months I have grown a Huge amount I am filling out a solid A cup size bra heading towards a B cup. Now if I was to rush and get a Breast enlargement and chose lets say a C cup enhancement after the HRT is done I could end up being a full cup or more larger than I expected. So from my research I am going to take about 2.5 – 3 years on the HRT.

By the way….. Just add this in to your memory bank. Even though you are going through Puberty (again) there is a few things you should know depending on your age and mental well being. As for me (despite someone saying I will be) I am not having ANY hormonal mood swings. Someone once said to me “I don’t want to be around you when you are going on your HRT cause your going to be a bitch” well that is 100% WRONG for me I am just the opposite it has been so far the most relaxing experience I have ever felt. Sad things are a bit more have a bit more of an impact than they have had in the past. I have even been teary at a stupid TV commercial those only last until your brain kicks in and logic takes over (well at least for me)

LOL, here comes the fun news Shrinkage and change of enjoyment of stimulation (what a pain in the arse trying to find a nice way to say what we are all thinking) So here it is Shrinkage of the Testies is the first thing you will notice physical wise. Which for me was a blessing (ACDC said it best) then sometime in the future you might lose the ability to become erect (though I have not had this problem) Size may also reduce (yes please). Now for the fun part of this, as most men they are more in tune with what they see than what they feel. What I mean is if you see porn or you partner, hello here it comes to the party. This is going to change and there is nothing you are going to do about it at all. As something to learn about your body is going on. Welcome to what women deal with it takes more than a photo, most of the time it is all in that connection. You are going to be learning that once over time. The end result of stimulation is going to change as well (Be ready for that). It is not a bad thing in fact it is a very emotional feeling that seems to last longer than what you have felt in the past.

Gosh I forgot about telling you about a minor Breast issue…..DON’T run without a BRA. Oh dear god the pain was just as bad as getting kicked in the….. I hope this might get better once puberty finishes but I don’t think it will. Some girl friends have had a few laughs at some of my OMG moments.

Clothes, well I have read this and seen the facts based on this information. Lets look at how we “came out” or when you knew you were “Trans” it has been suggested that depending on your age at the time clothing is linked to your memory and you may dress as such. For Example if you knew about being Trans at a teenage level, but could not act upon it at all. When you were able to act upon that issue your choices were styled upon that age group. So that is where we (Trans people) can sometimes end up looking like a 17 y/o in a 40 y/o body. A simple Transition tip dress your age and avoid some of the people “reading you”. You may not look like a genetic woman for sometime but at least you might avoid some situations where someone might be hostile towards you.

Well I hope this has given you a minor insight into what is going on with people transitioning from M2F (male to female). If you are reading this as a what is going to happen then I hope this helped. I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope the best for everyone and if you have questions please feel free to ask me. I would rather a friend ask and learn then to live in doubt or misunderstanding.

One more thing I used to think I was the only one Transitioning and I was the one that mattered. Wow that is so wrong, those who are around you are learning as well, some faster than others. So don’t be upset if pronouns are misused, guide by being gentle and loving. Give them time to watch you grow as well. Puberty was rough the first time on many of us and this time can be if you are not careful. If you have “issues” and you need to talk to someone PLEASE do it. Mensline is a great place even though it is for “Men” they are professional and they can help everyday if you need it.  IF you still need a friend drop me a line, I will do my best. I am a proud parent of 7 three live with me and are young so I am ok at giving out wisdom. BTW I can answer everything, you might not like my answers.

Proof is in what you Say and Do!

Wow what a week this has been filled with ups and downs. Little kids all three had to deal with being let down on issues. Wow that was hard to wipe the tears away. Yet i’m the bad person?

Went to court today oh how much fun that is…. 1 1/2 hours of nothing but to be told its been put for another date. Was not my fault.

Got a phone back! WOW how FUBARed that was police warnings and all. Then when I get the phone back and I looked at the “porn” it was searches done on You Tube with spelling that my 9 year old son can’t spell hold on to that evidence. Crazy how can you blame a child over and over saying he did it when it was not his ability to speel the words that were on the You Tube search? I was not auto correct as his You Tube app on his phone does not do that….

Guinea Pig is still alive and costing me money. I think it was less of a rescue and more of a “hey, I want one of those” by the kids. Oh I love them so much that yes I now have another mouth to feed and clean up after. But in the end the Happiness in their eyes make it worth while. So I guess I would do it all over again.

Found out the House cannot be sold right now, the “other” person put it on the market telling everyone that it was ok to be sold….Hmm Surprise! I think there going to be a few more.

Morgan my son in the US and I are talking about him coming for a visit once the house has been sold. More like a catch up over what we have missed. I am hoping the house sells soon as I really want to see him.

Birthday party for 20 girls is planned and ready to get underway…Yup 20 oh boy this is going to be one of those I am going to bed days that day, lol. Wow our little girl is going to be 8 years old. It went by so fast, I was looking at photos just the other day of her. So many happy memories and so many to come as well.

 

 

 

Time to get back

Well, it has been a couple of days, sorry. I have been working on playing my guitar once more. I so loved it, sure I am not the best but over all the crap of the past few weeks I felt I needed to hit the strings once more. Need to get back to teaching my kids how to play as well. In case if you ask I am a finger picker and right now learning the song “nothing else matters”

Nothing Else Matters Cover

Love the way this young lady does it.

As with all things not looking forward to Christmas this year. First time in a very long time spending it alone. I think I might have to buy a box or two for the tears. Though saying that is not bad, it was going to happen and I am ok with it.

I was on the Radio this week (Twice) oh man thinking back to when I was on it everyday. So miss that time in my life. It was like a huge rush not knowing what he was going to ask, not knowing if I could be understood in my response. Then at the end thinking wow did I just say that….
Looking back I think I have said what I have been wanting to say for such a long time it was nice for Brian at Tasmania Talks to ask me to call back. I do understand that Martine Delaney does have a right to feel the way she does. But do we really need a investigation on it. The Churches have the right to feel the way they do, we also have the right to speak with our feet.
I think that the Trans community has far more pressing issues to address than the large war on Marriage Rights inside a Church. As I see it it is their right to say no. I did find it a bit silly in that pamphlet where they stated that it was depriving a child of a Mother or a Father. Where is the common sense in that statement some single women are getting IVF, there are divorces there the other parent is refusing to allow the other parent to see the children.

I guess I should add a link to what I was talking about. Don’t mess with marriage this was handed out by the Catholic Church here in Tasmania.

While I don’t feel it is right to point fingers as they are not the only church raising same sex marriage concerns or being militant towards members of the LGBTIQ…. community. I did read a great blog post where a person pointed it out as to liken the way they are treating as by an Abusive parent “I hit you cause I love you” but come here cause we love you and want you around. But I come back to my point as I said on the Radio vote with your feet. Some of these churches are trying to hang on a Historical ignorant stand, meaning that with the logic they are using we would still have slaves and women can’t vote. Are the churches more scared of older members who are more homophobic than being a way to connect with a loving God? If you look at the Mormons, I have always had a problem with the way the Blacks were treated. Then when the lame reason that was given to allow them the same rights as whites in 1978(est). When in fact it was in Months of being threatened by the US government.
I think we will see something coming from the US government to end what the Churches are doing in the future. What will the churches do then when all people have the same rights?

Imagine

 

 

Sunday…..

Well the kids are away visiting there mum. I woke with the sense of sadness that made no real sense. But I chalked it up to hormones crawled out of bed hung the laundry. Dusted myself off listened to the birds outside. Found some blessings that were on a shelf dusted them off gave thanks for them. Placed them back on the dusted shelf.

I have been coming to better terms with being Trans. I am showing my wonderful children that it is better to be true to ones self then fight away never getting anything really done.

I have come to an idea where once upon a time I asked my ex-to-be to work with me on writing a book. Why not start it on my blog on another page? It would be fun and if someone had tips I could use their help I have a great story line just need to fill it out.

Who knows what will become of it might be nothing might be something my kids might read someday and say wow that was a why it went no where….LOL

House cleaning is……

Boring, lol

Ok in all serious life is going great this week I have been feeling and seeing a few new changes in my body. it is just a little exciting to say the least. I have been working on my Backyard tiding it up for summer I will post before and after photos as soon as I am done. There is not going to be any photos while I am doing it as I use most of my energy to work on it, photos be damned right now, lol.

On a side note while I not overly please with everything in life, it is getting better. I have looked back over the last year and it have been like a deep breath when having an asthma attack painful at first as the meds go in but then slowly you can breathe. Then once it is all over you get the shakes and filled with energy.
I look at what is going on with all of the LDS people who have chosen to leave the church over the last two weeks due to what I wrote about. My heart is stilled filled with sadness over all the loss of hope and the pain caused by the church towards a community that is worldwide. I just keep thinking that this is not what our Father wanted for his children. While I understand that they are trying to avoid issues like “dad and dad or mum and mum live together and then church says it is a sin” Causing so much confusion in children which in itself is not fair to them. Then I am concerned that for making a stand like this they are making themselves to be an exclusive group….. At what point do they think a child will join a church that is not willing to accept the whole family is a place for them. Yes, gay families are not the normal, but it does not mean that they are not able, capable, willing and filled with unconditional love. To me that is the type of love children need to see and feel. Hell how many divorces are going on in the strait world. Where parents use the children as spies and weapons on the other parent. Tell me how is that good for the children? The church needs to look at itself and see that while it is pointing a finger at others three are pointing back. I don’t care who you love, just love the children!

What you can do….

Not everyday feels like……..

Thanks to my dad a long time ago placing a spark in my soul. You see one day I was feeling sorry for myself thinking shit my life sucks big time. From out of the blue the crazy old man said to me “When you think all is hopeless and every one is out to get you, when you feel sorry for the way your life is. Stop! look at you self deep down inside is a spark and that is all it takes to make a flame, go light a fire it is up to you”. This was one of the times when it seemed that my dad finally got me. What he said was so out of the blue, it really was not like him.

I would like to add to his “Spark” story. When you can’t find beauty, when the spark is all that is left, Don’t Stop! Don’t give up! Make the beauty that you need and so deeply want. Beautify something! Help someone! Do something that you have never done to help someone!

Your Special – There is no one just like you – thanks HoJo