First let’s get rid of the term gay or even sexual attractions. Yeah, I know they told you that they were but please forgive your child and let’s forget the terms for just a little bit.
Since coming out and even while in the closet, I read stories about what it is like to be trans. I had to know more about what I was feeling. I don’t think that it is very easy to help you grasp what your child is going through and I don’t think that there is a way to help your child understand you.
So now that we are on even ground both of you knowing nothing about the other and what the other is going through. Lets begin……
As you have most likely been told hey (Parent) I’m trans. Wh3en the fact is we have always been Trans. It is easy to see it if we look at it like this lets say one parent is white and the other is black. Okay now you are starting to see a picture. Now lets look at it from there eyes, they have always been half & half. Not really white and not really black, in fact they live in both worlds while not living in any world. I know that it is confusing to try to wrap your head around. Now lets open it up a little more. Your child the one who is black and white wants to explore one of his sides just a little more and try to understand why god have made them that way or you have made him that way. So he being an urban background wants to move out to the country and live with his grandparents who are black.
Yup I have you on a journey. So you child heads our to learn more about being black. Did that change your child in any way? Yes it did, in many different ways that you were not ready for. Now they stand in front of you still the same black and white child you gave birth to. But now they are ready to accept who they are to a point and they are asking you to walk with them as they are just a little person learning to walk again for the first time once more. Remember that cute simple little hand reaching out for yours, well here it is once more asking for your help.
Did this little child you helped learn to walk really know what it was all about, no they never did. They were scared just the same as you are. What if I fall? Who will catch me? I know my parents….
Now that we have taken a bit of the time and the way we look at them telling you about them telling you is really a need for that hand in case they fall is because they need the one person in their life who is the MOST important and that happens to be you. Sure you can’t teach them this time but what can you do?
I can’t tell you how they feel at this point. That is something you need to talk to them about. I am a parent I know how you are thinking at this time. I am Trans, so I do know what they are thinking. We did not have children for them to go through what they are going through. We did not invest all the love hopes and dreams to have them struggle. But you need to face a simple fact that close to 40% of all Trans have felt so confused, so alone, without hope that they only see suicide as a way out of the huge amount of pain. We as parents do know how to save a life of our child, listen and love. God it seems so simple just like it was when that little child grasped your finger for the fist time. You remember that, don’t you……
I know that the loss and grief is going to be so very very hard for you to carry. Look at it this way is it better to have this young child who is holding your hand or you holding the lid of a coffin. Yes it can be that dire. Oh the things that have changed in me once I no longer had to struggle with everything that is around me. You might see it as a simple piece of clothing though to us it is a key to our jail cell.
I do wish you the best on your journey. I know it will be hard, in fact every single one of us who are trans know it is going to be hard. But we trust you as we want to once more grasp your safe hand……..
Is the issue of our Transition based off of a birth defect vs. a metal health issue. This is what I want you to look at and think about with this post.The medical Gate Keepers want to make it more about the brain rather than looking at it from a stand point of a physical issue. As a physical issue we might want to look at it as a issue of mind and soul over the body. We need to deconstruct the issues of these elements let take the mind and body as physical elements and soul as another element.
The medical profession would like people to think that it was an issue of the mind. Which is linked linked to an easy solution of just a few options. One being that psychoanalysis and counseling can resolve, another being one where medical pharmaceuticals can be issued to to adjust the mindset, some pseudo science has attempted to use regressive therapies, and currently all that is working is the Gate keeper model. As all you can see is that the forms of medical intervention are long and drawn out.
What would to happen if the Medical Model were to change and address the issues of Transgender more as a Birth Defect rather than an issue of the mind. Would the normal issues of the current Gate Keeper Model be required any longer? Granted AI can see that there would see need to be oversight on the persons who are affected and treatment before and after the HRT (hormone replacement therapies) and then once more before the issues of SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) took place.
I feel that the issues that might be resolved is the discrimination that many in the trans community face on a day to day basis. No longer would we have the issues of making laws that protect two or three different issues and use the ones that are currently in place. In America right now the American with Disabilities act fails to protect the Trans community but maybe with the change of mind that we are not sick in the head or going through some phase we might be able to look at the person who is as just a person who was born with a bum leg (sorry for the bad use of explanation). We might even get to see an improvement in the healthcare of the Trans community, a reduction in the Suicide rate, as well as issues of less Trans being a drain on the welfare system.
Even now we are seeing the same issues on the Trans community as the rest of society. We have Upper class, Middle class and poor in the economic spectrum. We also have those who identify as Strait, Gay and Bi-Sexual, yes I know that many will find this confronting to think that there is a possibility of a Strait Trans person. But thinking that Strait is an attraction of one Gender to another Gender from my research this is more often than not a result. We see the issues of Introverts and Extroverts, likes and dislikes none of this is different that any other person on this planet.
By changing the view of the Trans community from a mental issue to a birth defect issue we might see a break in the mold and the strangle hold that many religions and governments trying to attack the trans community.Thus removal of labels that are attached to a Trans person as well. Case in point and I will use myself in this case. I am a Transwoman and I was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of ladder-day Saints (Mormons)* in November of 2015 the Church created a policy that removed the ability of children to be members in any ways shape or form if the child has a parent who is in a same sex relationship until that child is 18 and denounces that relationship (wow, i know it is heavy). This policy makes it hard on a Trans person like me cause I was born with male parts and not female parts. So therefore once I have SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) done that will be corrected. BUT (yes I know anything before a but is bullshit it is needed here) in the LDS church I am not able to marry a man cause I was born with those parts and I be considered a homosexual and I would not be able to marry a woman cause I was changed into a woman and that makes me a lesbian. If the model is changed to a birth defect rather that a mental issue we could then point out that if I was to marry a man I was not a homosexual cause it was a correction of a birth defect.
Laws would no longer be needed to address the issues of SRS and name changes and Birth Cert. being fixed as due to the model being changed this could happen automatically. Thus reducing overall legal issues clogging up the courts on things that could be repaired with ease.
Now I am not saying that this would fix every problem that the Trans community have but it might help those who struggle with the change view this change in a different way? I leave it up to you to look at this idea yourself…..
“here’s my two cents”
*I am no longer a member of the LDS church, though I respect all beliefs and the right to worship as you may see fit.
People are always asking me for my web address. So why not build a business card.
T-Shirt to boot as well.
I know that I am taking very well to the hormones. Body changes are going well well. I was thinking of have a shirt saying look up! Wow I caught a guy staring, Crap they are on a B cup and I was not dressed very high but it was so funny i just wanted to say Hi I am up here.
On top of it I was visiting my work today to say “Hello, I am coming back”. I love my job and going back is a huge blessing. I look forward to it soon I hope. There was this lovely person who has a very short memory and for about 5 minutes kept staring at me then walked up to one of the managers and asked “Is that person a Boy or a Girl?” such wonderful honesty I love my job. The Mgr gave her this wonderful explanation about gender and it was very beautiful. Though I am sad to say I don’t think it sunk in very well. The disability she has makes it hard sometimes for her to understand certain things. I do love her soul though.
Well, what a question to ask me of all people. Hhow I can answer it……
Why should I?
My family for the most part have become narrow minded asses. 3 of them from what I can tell are humans and are somewhat open minded. 1 Is cool beyond the rest of them. So as far as family I would not be welcome by any of them in any way shape or form. I mean after this third strike with the in the family game of Baseball. I am going to be getting my Australian Citizenship and giving up my US. I am that unhappy with the lot of them. I thought it was bad when talking to my mum about a few things like the family was not going to tell me when one of my Parents passed away and that my mum and dad wanted it that way. To giving a Family heirloom to my Nephew that was to come to me. But hey I am in Australia so no need for a gun here. So the list goes on and on.
Is it safe?
Well Lets look at the level of Government, SD has passed a bathroom law Link 1 which bans Students in schools, they might try a law like what was attempted in WA, Link 2. Thank god it was defeated. Look at this news Link 3 , did you look real close as to where the deaths are from? 10 in the US vs. 1 in Australia. Add that with my issues in my Family I am not so sure I would be safe around any of them bar the 3.
Well I would not trust that I could find a job……… At least here in Australia the laws are such that you have a fighting chance. Mind you I have read and heard about a few people that have won that game of Roulette.
Safe Places to live?
I don’t know if you could point out that there is really a safe place from all that I read I have heard and seen a lot of violence towards Trans community in the US. Yeah I know that things here is Australia are not perfect but HELL i am safe in my home and I feel safe in my community.
Please leave it up to a the USA to come to Australia and say damn we like yours but…. Lets fuck it up completely. If I get sick I am safe, if I need my HRT I don’t have to sell a kidney for it. Healthcare cannot be refused because I am Trans or I cannot pay.
Yup you got it, I can’t see a reason why should I. There is no reason at all. Sorry I can’t do it to myself. I mean where would I end up, No money, No job, no food, no home, no friends, no family, no real healthcare, wow look at those “No’s”. Now add my children into the mix there is no way I would give up what we have here for nothing there. Sure there is Gay marriage but that cannot make up for so many negatives and if you look at the MANY churches that are trying to back state laws to revoke that in one form or another HELLO UTAH! Funny when you can link the Westbrough Baptist Church (The Haters), Catholic Curch and The Mormons all have in common. Wow I never though I would say that the Mormons and Westbrough are common allies, EEKKKK!
Since November the 6th my shelf of faith has been rocked and has fallen. I know that this has not been helped by what my family has been doing as well. I have Read the CES at http://www.ces.com this is not an Anti-mormon letter it is a letter that is asking the Church Educational System some very hard questions that to this day have never been answered by the church. Even so the church for this person asking these questions has been seeking to have him Excommunicated. In Fact they were seeking to do it on February the 14 of 2016 but it was postponed until March.
Well I have also been watching the the issues that are going on in Utah and the scandals of the Child Sexual Abuse in the LDS church that has been going on and the cover ups. If you are not aware of it I think it is up to you to find it out. But going on with this same topic but a different church is what the Catholic church with a few bad priests who have done the same and how the church covered it up. Today while still sick I was reading Facebook I came across this little video and the pain that every person has had to go through. I am a parent of a child who was Sexually Assaulted. I don’t think many people really know pain of a broken heart like that of a child who has gone through this issue and there is no Justice for them. The many and I do mean many sightings of the “perp” who did this to my little girl is nothing compared to having to see him every Sunday and other events. Please take the time watch this video all the way to the end. If you can help please help. These children have a right to Justice!
Like I said these people that he is singing about is just like my little girl.
Every child deserves Justice!
Hey LDS Church leaders stop hiding behind you high walls and come forward with the truth and let the Justice be heard.
Nothing ruins a fabulous day for me more than entitlement.
I’m talking about the expectations placed on me as a transgender person that are never placed on my cisgender counterparts.
Take, for example, the number of times that cis folks have asked me, “Are you getting rid of…” Then, gesturing to my chest, they add, “those?” without batting an eye.
I’m not sure on what planet that’s an acceptable question to ask anyone, but it bothers me – endlessly – that so many people feel entitled to that information, so much so that they don’t consider my comfort level or privacy when they ask.
From time to time, I run into folks who – whether they’re “curious” about my existence or aren’t sure how to talk to me about trans issues – mistakenly believe that I exist as their real-life Caitlyn Jenner, a science experiment, a case study, or a source of entertainment.
Entitlement can surface in a whole slew of different ways.
It can be seemingly “innocent” questions about our bodies, as if we owe you private or intimate details about our transitions. It can be tokenizing us, sensationalizing our being transgender and not actually valuing or recognizing our personhood.
It can even be requests to change our appearance to make cisgender people more comfortable.
Ultimately, entitlement comes from the idea that transgender people exist for the entertainment, comfort, or curiosity of cisgender people.
And whether it’s intended or not, even the best allies can perpetuate this kind of attitude in their day-to-day interactions with trans folks.
So how can we break down entitlement and make the world a safer place for trans folks?
Well, to start, here are eight things trans people don’t owe you – and why these everyday examples of entitlement are so problematic.
1. Details About Their Body or Any Plans They Have for It
Whoa, whoa, whoa. My body? My business. Don’t ask me about what my plans are unless I’ve brought them up myself.
I can’t recall a single time back when I identified as cisgender that someone asked me, “Please describe in intimate detail what your genitals look like and what you hope they’ll look like in the future.”
Why are transgender people somehow fair game for invasive questions like these?
Just because I’m trans, that doesn’t mean I owe the world a detailed blueprint of what my medical transition is going to look like, assuming I even opt for a medical transition. That’s a personal question between me, my doctors, and those that I choose to share it with.
While I agree with the writer to a point I feel that some education is in the best interest of everyone. But the point where education becomes intrusive I will let you know or I will send you to a place where you can find out that information.
2. Their Birth Name or Any Details About Who They Were Prior to Transitioning
Translation: Please tell me about a time in your life that you had no intention of sharing – and give me private details about it, too!
Again, sensitive information that could be triggering or painful is not something a trans person owes you by virtue of being trans. Your curiosity does not trump their right to privacy, ever.
Questions like these bother me because the moment someone learns that I’m transgender, they treat my past like a scandalous secret that is somehow more interesting or valuable than the person that I’ve fought to become today.
I will share my past with you if I want to and when I’m ready.
Please focus on who I am in the present – I promise, the person I am now is much more interesting.
I have said it before, I am very proud of Allen he did a wonderful Job keeping me safe. I knowthis sds like talking about yourself in third person. If you look at it from my point of view Allen did a wonderful job. He kept all of us safe and when the time came to protect us he took a leap of faith and did what was needed to be done. Allen stood aside and let me come out when it was safe. In the end Allen took a chair and let me drive for a while. So I am not worried if you ask I think it is better if you do. But once again this is my time this is my life and Allen did a fine job and that is all I will say about it.
3. A Friendship or Relationship So That You Can Prove That You’re Open-Minded
I’m not going to be a pawn in some kind of social justice credibility game. So stop introducing me as your “transgender friend” and pulling a Vanna White when we meet someone new.
Real talk: You are not a better person, a better ally, or a better activist because you know or fuck a trans person.
This is not proof of how radical you are or evidence of how open-minded you are.
And if you ever get called out for transphobia and pull the “I can’t be transphobic, my best friend/my partner is trans” card, I will drop you so fast that you won’t know what hit you.
I’m not your token, and I’m definitely not your shield from criticism.
Ok, so you want me as a friend I do come with a warning label. I have no room for those who commit ADULTERY in any form. You made a promise and until you are released from that promise BY THE COURT, keep your dick in your pants and your legs crossed. I have no room for the people who hurt children ot their spouse. TO BE CLEAR, until you have had this done to you you will never know the pain of it and you might never know the anger of the pain for staying to long. I have no room for those who rape, sexually assault anyone, and if you think a bastard ho hurts a child like this LET ME BE CLEAR it would be better for you to have your gut opened and your intestines pull out and left to dry…….Than to think i would talk to a person like that! Oh one last thing I HAVE AN ANSWER for EVERYTHING….you might not like my answers. I believe in Karma and God!
4. A Gender Studies 101 Education
I get that you want to learn more about trans people.
Gender identity, gender expression – gender is a vast and complex topic, and it’s fascinating, too! You might have a lot of questions, and who better to ask than someone you trust?
But think about it. Chances are, you are not the only friend that I have. I have hundreds of friends who are just as fascinated and have just as many questions as you.
The reality: Trans people are constantly bombarded with questions and expected to educate others by virtue of being trans.
So before you demand the resources and energy of a trans person for your own personal benefit, why not seek out existing resources online? The transgender tag on Everyday Feminism is a great place to start.
This tells trans people that you not only want to learn, but that you respect their time.
Um read my Blog! if you are unsure ask me I don’t care in fact I love it. I want to teach others so someday you might not ask your questions to the younger generations of Trans. Plus better to walk in education than you wallow in stupidity!
5. A Sensational and Tragic Account of Their Life Story
My life is not an Oprah Winfrey special.
If you’re asking questions about my past because you want to hear a sad story, that tells me that you view me as entertainment before you view me as a person.
Well that is not true for me. I want you to know what we go through. I want you to know that my life is just as crazy as your in so many many areas. I want you to know that like the writer I am a living human being. I have my ups and downs, I have good days and bad days. But most of all I am very approachable and I love to talk to people. So get to know me, if you see me talk to me, but be polite I have children and sometimes they are with me.
“I get that this isn’t the name that you’re using, but don’t you see how hard this is for me?”
“Your grandparents don’t need this drama right now. Can’t you come out later?”
Transgender people should never be made to feel like their identity is an inconvenience or burden. They should never be guilted into apologizing for who they are or making their needs known.
Trans people do not owe you an apology for being honest about their identity. Trans people do not owe you an apology because their transness is unfamiliar and “difficult” to you. Trans people do not owe you an apology just for existing.
If you don’t have something supportive to say, please process your feelings on your own time.
I love what was written here!
7. Justification for Why or When They Are (Or Aren’t) Transitioning
Transition is about my comfort – not yours.
So asking me to explain why I’m making certain choices about my body, as if I have to defend them to you; asking me why I can’t wait for hormones or surgery until it’s a more convenient time for you; or pushing me to make decisions that will make you feel more at ease instead of supporting me are not okay.
These are gestures that tell me that you prioritize your happiness and comfort over mine.
Trans people should not have to transition in a way that makes everyone around them happy.
Their transitions (or lack thereof) should be guided by their own needs, their own desires, and what makes them feel best – not by cisgender people in their lives who just happen to have an inappropriate opinion on something so personal.
Trans people do not owe anyone a justification for their choices when it comes to their bodies and their (a)gender(s).
The truth of the matter is that while this may affect you, trans people are the ones who are most impacted by transitioning. And at the end of the day, they have to live with the choices that they make.
Those choices might impact you, but they aren’t about you.
Like I have said I am very open I want to help you understand me and others like me. The more you understand and see the value of a person is not what lies between their legs the more you will see that it is what lies between their ears. For me I know that asking questions is many peoples way to understand something unusual to them. So don’t be scared ask me and I will tell you, remember you might not like the answer I give.
Transgender people, just like anyone else, get to set boundaries in their lives, and those boundaries should be respected. The truth is, transgender people don’t owe you anything.
The problem with entitlement and the many ways that it surfaces is that it erases the humanity of trans people. It treats us like an object, a prop, a source of entertainment, or something to impose demands upon before we are ever fully recognized as autonomous human beings.
When you dehumanize trans people in this way, whether subtle or overt, you give the rest of the world permission to disrespect or even hurt us because we are seen as exploitable – something that people can use for their own purposes instead of actual human beings.
If you feel that you are owed something from a trans person – their body, their time, their decisions – it’s time to reflect. Toxic expectations do not exist in a vacuum. They feed into a culture that denies transgender people their agency and views them as inherently less-than.
This might seem overwhelming. You might be thinking, “Wow, can I interact with a trans person at all without seeming entitled? Am I doomed no matter what I do?”
What it boils down to is this: We want to be seen as whole people, just like anyone else.
So deep breaths. I promise we’re not fragile. Just treat us with respect, be open to learning from mistakes, and apologize when you make them. And, you know, don’t ask about our
genitals. You really need to stop doing that.
Like I said I will answer anything from anyone and I do it others who might not have the ability to do so don’t have to. Please know who you are talking to and the right time to ask. What I mean is that sometimes asking me in the middle of Coles (supermarket) is not the right place and my response might be a little rude. So choose your timing and the way you ask me. I hope you will understand that here you have two points of view the writers and mine. Both are different and both of us have our own reasons for our views. RESPECT. I love you for who you are please do the same for me and we will be kind to each other that is all I ask of you.